The One-Night-Stand That Turned into a Relationship?... Never Happened!!

18:04 Unknown 6 Comments

It’s all too nice and comforting thinking that you met a man, took him home slept with him (had a great time!)… and then woke up and made you breakfast. What’s better than that? You worked it out in the bedroom, you know that works and then you take it on from there. You bought the car, took it for a test drive, established it works and now you are ready for the ride… Yeah well, sorry to snap you out of that, but that never works! Chances are, if you actually happen to wake up at the guy’s place, not only will you not have breakfast served, but you will be rushing around trying to find your clothes and get on your way to walk the ‘walk of shame’. Now before you say ‘what does she know?’, let me tell you my story…

About a week or so ago Sarah and I decided to go out for a few drinks at a club somewhere behind Regent Street. Everything was great, the music, the cocktails, we were dancing our heels off and having a great time… Until Ronald and Adam showed up; two very handsome, slightly older and more than slightly drunk gentlemen. Within an hour we had found out that both were high school teachers (and undoubtedly very desired by 16 year olds), single and very fun to be around. Within the next hour Sarah was dancing with Ronald and I was with Adam. (Just a small note here: I’m not the type of girl that picks up guys in a bar. I’ve done that, years ago. I’m fed up with that. BUT, there was something about this guy… I really liked Adam, I enjoyed talking to him and yes, he was a great kisser. And for me to say I liked someone from the first time I meet them… let’s just say that’s next to impossible).

Two hours later we were in a cab with them going to Adam’s place…. After spending about two or so hours locked up in Adam’s room with him, I knew I suddenly had a crush. I haven’t had a crush for ages. He was sweet and attentive, responsible and yet incredibly charming. Around 5 o’clock in the morning it was time to go home and it was around that time that he asked for my number. By that time I knew that if he had my number I would be checking my phone for the next week expecting a message from him and get extremely disappointed if I didn’t receive a text. I had a choice: I could just give it to him without a second thought and risk the disappointment or I could refuse and write this whole day off as a great night with a nice twist. I chose neither. I suddenly told him ‘Look, I’m not one of those type of girls that you bring home and then ask for their phone number pretending you are going to text, just because it’s the polite thing to do. If you actually want to text me, then you’ll get my number’. He said ‘Give me your number, I promise I’ll text tomorrow’. And that was it. Those were the last words he said to me… ever! He never texted of course. I knew he wouldn’t from the minute I gave him my number, but I knew I wanted him to text so much that I would sacrifice the risk. I spent the whole of the next day somewhere between last night’s haze and my mind-consuming thoughts, trying to figure out why he never texted. So here are the reasons why a one-night-stand will never turn into a relationship, or he will never text:

1. He was drunk: this means he probably doesn’t remember you (well that’s extreme), but at least he doesn’t remember everything clearly. His mind was cloudy and he might have said things he didn’t mean.

2. You were drunk: Now most of us think that when we are drunk we become more courageous and bring out the best in us… well, maybe. But we also think we are the best dancers, the best looking people and the best in bed. By no means am I undermining your skills and abilities in any of the three. I believe you are probably great in all three. But, when we are drunk we tend to overestimate our abilities in all those three departments. So at the end of the day, even though we were more joyful and fun we probably weren’t as great as we remember ourselves to be. And the guys don’t remember us the way we falsely remember ourselves.

3. It’s awkward: The whole let’s get in cab and go home, make out at the backseat, with probably a bit over the clothes action is all too passionate and spontaneous; especially when in danger of being seen by the cab driver, but by the time you get home, get in bed and get it over with, you will probably have sobered up and just realized you are lying naked, next to a stranger. Chances are you don’t even remember his name. So what do you do then? You don’t say ‘Well that was great… whatever your name is. Now let’s hangout and see if we are each other’s soulmate!’ NO! You get up awkwardly, while the guy is probably having a shower or pretending to be asleep, you pull on your fancy clothes and get on your way with the walk of shame.

4. He might have been lying: I know this sucks. But did he say he’s single, employed and with money in the bank? Well I’m sorry to break it to you, but he might be cheating on someone, while being unemployed and probably in debt as well. I know I’m taking it to the extremes here, but did you think about the fact that he might be rebounding? Or he might not want to be in a relationship? He could have been lying to get what he wanted, independently of how persuasive he was!

5. It’s a one-night-stand: I think this says it all. It’s supposed to be a one night thing! It’s not a ‘let’s start a relationship the wrong way round!’ It’s supposed to be passion between two people that know nothing about each other and that’s pretty much it. It says it all. If he had met you in a club and wanted to get to know you he would ask to take you out, not take you to bed.

There you have it, the top 5 reasons why a one-night-stand is not the beginning of a relationship and will never turn into one! It’s too bad, but for all of you out there who think that it might have been a good start, I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s not. If you are into the ‘one-night-stand kind of scene’ then that’s great. Go out and enjoy yourselves. But if what you are looking for is a relationship, then one-night-stands is nowhere near what you are looking for.

As for me and Sarah… we learnt the hard way, but now we know. And we just added another great experience to our list.

What did you think? Did you have a one night stand that turned into a relationship? Comment and let me know!! Remember to like my facebook page for the latest updates!

6 comments:

Rebound... To Be or Not To Be?

15:00 Unknown 3 Comments

I got this email from a reader earlier today asking about advice and I have to say that the topic intrigued me so I decided to share it with you all:

Dear City Girl,

I would like your advice on this amazing guy I met. To make a long story short, we I met him randomly in a club and we clicked immediately. Funny, unassuming, relaxed and most of all… he gave me butterflies (cheesy, I know). It was an instant connection, something which is very rare for me. So what’s the problem?, you will ask.

I think I’m his rebound. We have a lot of fun together and so far I can really rely on him. But I can see several signs that he’s not over his ex yet. He still wears a ring she gave him, I often catch him staring off into space and when I ask him if he is okay, he snaps at me. I think what annoys me the most though is the picture I found in his drawer of them two hugging. I know those are memories he cherishes and that’s why I feel so selfish.

I am crazy about him. I can’t think of anyone else but him. Is it too selfish that I want him to think of only me? Is it too selfish that I don’t want to be his rebound while he’s my first love? I want me to be what he is to me.

Should I talk to him about it? What do you think I should do?

Looking forward to your response,

I-don’t-want-to-be-a-rebound-girl

Dear I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-A-Rebound Girl,

How easy is to actually find someone that gives you butterflies? As cheesy as that sounds, we all love it. Connecting with someone is really rare. I know because I’m exactly like you when it comes to men. It’s great that you actually have such a deep connection with your first love.

However, we all come with baggage. In this case the baggage is an ex-girlfriend. I understand how frustrating this is and how heart-breaking it can be at times. Being with someone that has not fully recovered from his past relationship can be really difficult and of course, a great obstacle to the potential of your relationship. But, you have to understand that falling in love with someone for the first time is all too exciting and fresh, but this is not the case for him. And even though for you, the love scene might be a clean slate, it seems that he’s been around for a while before you showed up. It’s only reasonable that he might be recovering from a past love, without this necessarily meaning that you are just a rebound. If he made you trust him and showed to you that you can rely on him, then I doubt that this is just something temporary and completely insignificant to him. I know it might be bothering you, but you need to talk to him about it… if this behavior doesn’t stop in a few months or so.

You can get him to talk about her, if this will make you more comfortable with the situation. Personally, I never like opening the ‘ex-files’ with a current boyfriend, but this is not for everyone. If you ask more about her, for example how their relationship was, how they broke up or how long they were together then this might give you some indication of whether he will be able to get over her sometime soon. For example if the break up was amicable, then chances are he might still be heartbroken about her, but he will soon get over it because he agreed to the break up.

I don’t think it’s selfish at all to want him to think about you… and only you. But, as I have argued elsewhere (see ‘Where does the love go?’), we are never really over our past relationships, we never really stop loving our ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. We are always, in a way, ‘haunted of spirits from relationships past’. What you need to do however, is not concentrate on how to make him forget her, but on how to make him love you more. You need to get closer to him in every way possible and make him your best friend as well as your lover. You see he will start ‘staring off into space’ a lot less and maybe take off the ring, place it in a drawer… he will not get rid of it though. Don’t expect that. He might keep the photograph as well. I always keep souvenirs of my past relationships, I never throw them away. I consider them a parting gift.

All in all, you might not have the perfect relationship in your hands as it is, but if this is someone you really want, don’t throw it away. Talk to him about it if this behavior does not stop, but if you keep him close to you with every means possible, then you will see that things will change without opening the ‘ex-files’. Just keep in mind, that there is a time limit. If you see that a few months have gone by and you still feel like the rebound, then there is something wrong, and you might need to face the possibility that walking away might be the only solution. But until then, give him some time to heal and recover… because if you think about it, aren’t we all recovering from something…. Drugs, alcohol, OCDs… past loves?

Hope this helped,

City Girl xox

What do you think? Did I give the right advice? Do you agree with me or do you think she should just walk away now before things get even more complicated? I'd love to hear your response on this!

3 comments:

What Guys Are Really Looking For

16:17 Unknown 2 Comments

As Girls we probably know what we are looking for in a guy (well, most of the time), but we often find ourselves wondering: What are guys looking for? This can be a tricky question. I am planning on writing a post about what women are looking for a in a guy, but when it comes to a guy's point of view who can say it better than them? Today while doing some research I bumped into this post of "What guys are really looking for" and I absolutely loved it! I think it's quite short, precise, straight to the point and 100% true! Have a look and tell me what you think! Do you agree or not? Maybe there's something you want to add as well! Feel free and tell me what you feel a guy is looking for and if think there's more to it that this post:
Click on the link below to read the article!
>What Guys Are Really Looking For

2 comments:

How To Get Over A Break-Up

03:19 Unknown 2 Comments

This is going to be a long post, I have a lot to say on the subject and this doesn’t even cover everything!

I wanted to write this post for some time now, but I felt I wasn’t ready for it. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to tell people how to get over their break ups, given the fact that I haven’t properly gotten over mine yet and I don’t know when I will. But I know that I’m on a good way. I really hope this post helps some of you since I know that many of you are going through this and I know firsthand how much it sucks. This is a very recent story and one that still breaks my heart, but it was about time I tell you how I deal(t) with my breakup and hopefully it will be a wakeup call for some of you, as it was for me.

You probably know my recent stories up to now, and how I came to feel heartbroken (if not see Just sex… or something more? and Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you). My break up became official around a month ago at 3.30 in the morning… through Skype! I know it sucks, but when you live an ocean away this is the only way to go. That night I cried myself to sleep until 5.30 in the morning, I woke up around 7.30 and cried myself to sleep all over again. This pattern was repeated every hour until 12 at noon when I finally woke up with swollen eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed so I switched off my cell phone and got under the covers for the next two days. I only got up for a trip to the fridge and then back again. I cried myself to sleep and drowned in my own thoughts. Two days later I decided it was about time to take some drastic action. I was about to exchange my old guy for three new ones: Jack, Ben & Jerry. Such a cliché right? But if it worked for so many others it would work for me as well! So I got up, threw a coat on top of my pyjamas and dragged my feet to the nearest supermarket. When I made it to the cashier with two cartons of Chunky Monkey and a bottle of whisky, some crisps and a few other delicacies the man behind the till looked down at my to-be purchases, looked up at my poor sense of fashion and my swollen eyes and said: “You know this won’t bring him back”…. And SNAP! What had just happened? I was speechless… there it was, pity from the man behind the till at my local store; Pity from someone who didn’t even know me. That was the last straw, I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself anymore or make anyone else feel sorry for me. I rushed back home and decided to become a human being again: I took a shower, put on some proper clothes and threw the overused pajamas in the wash, changed bed sheets (god knows how much that was needed after two days of literally living in my sheets!). Note that this by no means ceased the pain that I felt: but the world wouldn’t stop spinning for my grief and life didn’t stop there! I decided that if I need to get through this I needed to put my restlessness into something healthier. I threw myself into work straight away: I worked 16 hours a day, was ahead at every module at university and attended all my classes. I couldn’t stop working for even an hour because the minute I did I would choke on my tears. I realize that my method wasn’t that healthy but at least it was healthier than eating up two cartons of Chunky Monkey and downing a bottle of whisky while feeling sorry for myself at the same time.

I know how break ups are: did I want to talk to him? Yes every minute of every day. Did I talk to him: embarrassingly yes I tried. Not because I thought it would change something but because it would give me some kind of closure. He was someone I used to talk to every day, about everything and about anything. It was unbelievably hard to just shut him down. But I learnt to deal with the pain that came with a heartbreak: it’s unbelievably painful, sometimes it hurts so much you can literally feel the pain physically, you feel like you are body is collapsing and you choke on air, you have to stop your mind from wandering off otherwise your tears will drop down your cheeks, it’s unbelievably hard to talk about your feelings to anyone and to expect them to understand. Sometimes you don’t even want to talk about it because if you do, it means that it really happened. Every now and then my friends still ask: ‘Do you feel better?’ and my response is always the same: ‘No but I got used to it’. It is my personal belief that we don’t ever get over our past loves. We still love them but somehow, with the passage of time, we learn to deal with the pain and get used to it: after all, time is the best cure.

That was my personal break up story, and of course I’m still not over it. The pain and the tears might not be that bad now but they are still there… and I know it will take a long time to get over them. I still go on with my life and I feel more and more like myself every day. I’m not ready to start dating though, even though I met a great guy, who has been amazing from the very first day I met him. I will probably write about him soon, but he’s the type of guy that Nathan was (See After how much pain do we become 'emotionally unavailable'?).

There are numerous post-break up behaviors that many of you are going through and it can be different from mine, but still unhealthy:

1. Post-break up sex : this is ‘junk sex’. This is an effort to replace your ex with another or too many other guys, but it seems impossible. It’s a physical way to get over your grief, but it never works… when it comes to this just think that exercise is a much healthier way to let it all out and not feel hopeless

2. Empting the entire content of the fridge: this refers to eating out everything that the fridge contains, even if it’s expired or gone bad. Even if it’s something you wouldn’t normally eat. To get over this just think: if you can’t bring him back the way you are, do you think that 10 extra pounds will?

3. Drunk dialing your ex: Oh god, Do I even need to elaborate on this one? You will regret it the next morning! When you decide to drink make sure you have someone to hold your phone at all times and refrain from giving it back to you even if you ask with tears in your eyes.

4. Trashing your ex to common friends: most of the things you say, you don’t even mean them. And no matter how the relationship ended, remember that you used to love and respect that person, don’t talk bad about them to anyone. Respect them at all times.

If you are engaging in any of the above, don’t despair. It is normal. But you have to cut it out immediately and move on with your life. It’s not going to hurt any less if you do any of the above, it will just prolong the time of your pain. You have to accept it, deal with it in a healthy way and move on.

Do you have any more bad break up behavior? Did you get over it? How? Comment and let me know how you dealt with your break up or how you are still struggling with it.

P.S. Below is the song that got me through the heartbreak. I know it's a sad one but I really love it. You might like it as well: