Just sex… or something more?
“Can it be just sex?”: The
eternal question that tortures every single woman who wants to have some fun
but not get emotionally involved with anyone. If you had asked me 3 years ago I
would have answered in a split second, without even thinking about it “of course it
can be just sex, you don’t need to get emotionally involved!” Well, three years
later I have to admit, with great regret, that I might not have been
right. I have been trying to solve this
great mystery with friends and it seems that everyone’s opinion varies on the
subject. So I decided that maybe I should give my experience on this topic and
try to draw some conclusions out of it.
His name was Mat, and I have known him for
years, but I was never actually friends with him. I always thought that he seemed
like a nice guy, a good laugh, but never actually thought more of him. He was the first to approach me, first as a
friend and then flirting subtly with me. I had to give it to him; this guy was
smart. He knew how to play the game without making too obvious what he was
after. He was really nice, he would talk to me quite often (but not all the
time, so he gave me some breathing space as well!) and most of all he made me
laugh. Unfortunately at the time, I was not looking for a relationship, and
little did I know that neither was he. Yes, I did reciprocate the flirting, but when
we went out a few times, I kept some safe distance, just to make it clear that
I wasn't up for dating.
When a few months had passed by, it was time
to have a serious conversation with Mat. I got ready to turn him down nicely
(and let’s just say a little part of me took pleasure in it, it gave me that
feeling of having someone chase after me… I know what you are thinking, and yes I’m embarrassed!).
Imagine my surprise when Matt looked at me with a smile and said “I don’t want
a relationship either!” I felt humiliated and embarrassed for my overconfidence
and arrogance! But to my great surprise he added: “What do you say to just
having some fun?” and winked. No one had ever asked me that before, but I
always believed that casual sex was no big deal. And I was right, for the next
two years it wasn't. Matt and I had a great time together. We would meet up
whenever someone was available, no commitment, we could date other people if we
wanted to, if we had to cancel then no one would moan over it or complain, and
the sex… oh the sex was just great! With no feelings there were no insecurities
and with no insecurities… everything was possible! I wouldn't care if I looked
good doing this or that, or if I was perfectly waxed, if I had enough make up
on and so on and so forth. I would just go there and it would be great every time!
I had no insecurities about trying anything new and I would just be myself,
both in the bedroom (or kitchen, office, car, couch, etc ) and outside of it!
And when we weren’t having sex, we would be having a good laugh over a glass of
wine and a nice pleasant conversation. Being with him was just easy and fun,
and I never questioned wanting anything more from him… until I came to London. Imagine
how difficult it is to stay in a long distance relationship for years… almost
impossible. Now you would think since two people in love couldn’t manage to
save their relationship from the distance, what chance did we stand to save our
‘relationship’? So naturally, when I came to London I thought it was all over,
and I thought that the past two years were great, a lot of fun, but that it's time to move on. I wished Matt all the best, told him we’ll talk and catch up
every now and then and that was it. Well, little did I know, that my story with
Matt did not come to an end there, but it was just the beginning of a very
messed up situation.
As I spent a few months in London, I realized
that I started to miss Matt and even though we would talk every now and then, I
wanted to see him. Apparently Matt was thinking the same thing because as soon
as I went back for Christmas, Matt wanted to see me. And this time it wasn't the usual ‘just sex and a nice conversation’ routine, but there was something I
never experienced with Matt before: romance! He poured me a glass of wine, lit
the candles and held me close to him for hours before making love to me. I never
used that word before to describe having sex with Matt, but apparently while I
was away something had changed. Not to mentioned he said he missed me more than
10 times. I couldn't believe it… Had the distance made me fall in love with
Matt, or have I been in love with him all along and just didn't realize it
because he was so available to me? After that night we both realized that
whatever it was we were doing had gotten out of control, and we both
independently but simultaneously decided to keep some distance from each other.
After a few months have passed by, I came to realize that I still care about Matt,
and that every time I go back home I’m going to want to see him, and I wish him
all the best. We both started dating other people after that, and even though
we do keep in touch we know that a relationship between me and him would never
work out. We are just way too different to be compatible.
After my experience with Matt it seemed that
my beliefs had been shaken to the core and that I had to rethink the whole ‘sex
without emotion’ situation. It is in fact, scientifically proven that while
making love women excrete a hormone that makes them fall in love with the man.
So could it be, that we are in fact, by nature, programmed to not be able to
have casual sex? And if so, if we are later meant to fall for each guy that we
sleep with, why does casual sex feel so good? And to make it clear, I am not talking
about one night stands; one night stands are a different situation. When I say
casual sex, I refer to having a fuck buddy. So can we date our fuck buddy? And
if we can’t, just like I can’t date Matt, why does the sex with someone that we
are not meant to be with, feel so good?
I had this conversation over and over again
with many friends. I recall Sandra one day telling me over coffee “I never had
a fuck buddy, but I don’t think that it is impossible to have sex without falling
in love! I guess it depends on each person”. When I asked Javier he took one
look at me and said “I never fell in love with anyone that I had casual sex with.
It’s perfectly possible! And might I add, amazing!” If my friends are right,
why did I fall in love with my fuck buddy? Finally I had to talk to Vivi to get
an answer that would contradict them. “Well I could never have casual sex. I
have to be in love with someone to have good sex, otherwise I won’t do it at
all” she said one day somewhere between revising and falling asleep on some
past papers. After a mixture of opinions I couldn't help but wonder: “What does
it take to have casual sex with someone? And is there a thin line that
separates casual sex and making love with someone? Had my almost three year sex
relationship with Matt stepped well over that line, or was it all about timing?
Maybe if you are sleeping with someone for that long, you are meant to develop
some feelings for them at some point and maybe casual sex, just like milk, has
an expiration date.
So for all of you out there, who are having
casual sex and enjoying the hell out of it (I know, it’s great!) take some caution
and think about the person you are sleeping with. If you had to leave them
right now, how much would you miss them? Because ladies, speaking from
experience those feelings don’t warn you before showing up; and you will
realize you have them when it’s too late to do anything about it!
Let me know if any of you had any similar
experiences with casual sex? Could you keep it just casual or did you fall for
that person? Comment and let me know!
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