It is undeniable that we only learn from our mistakes. If you can’t say ‘been there, done that – never again!’, then you probably don’t know first hand what it feels like to make one mistake after the other and taking an oath never to do it again because it just hurts too much. But looking back at the countless failures and mistakes made through the years, I couldn’t help but wonder: How much do I know now that I didn’t know back then? And would it make a difference if someone had told me this before, or would I just go and make my own mistakes anyway?  Chances are, I would probably go ahead and make the same mistakes, just because I’m stubborn and never listen to anyone. But if I could actually talk to my younger self, then I would definitely have lots to tell me. And for those of you out there that wonder what we do wrong and what lessons we need to learn, here’s a list of the most important ones: 

1. More is Less – Stop overdressing and stop wearing three layers of make-up just to impress a guy. It just doesn’t work like that. The most beautiful look is the natural one. No one said go out in sweatpants, but keep your outfit simple and comfortable and your makeup natural. No guy ever said: “She looked amazing with three layers of foundation on!”. And if they did say that, trust me, it was no compliment!

 2.  Be Confident – The sexiest thing on a woman is confidence. Wear a smile instead of high heels and believe in yourself. Walk down the street and look straight ahead, not at your feet. Believe in your strengths and embrace your weaknesses. Have a positive outlook and killer attitude. Red lipstick won’t make up for it!
       
 3. You deserve more than you think you do – so many times I settled for less than I was worth, and I probably will do it a few more before I learn. We simply don’t think that we are worth a lot so we just settle for what we get. So many of us just settle and get comfortable in a less than ideal situation, just because we feel like there’s nothing better out there. Newsflash: there is! And you are worth it! (note: L’Oréal did not sponsor me for this!). If he made you cry, he’s not worth your tears – so get up and get out of there. You’ll find something better.

 5. If you are not a priority from the beginning, you will never be – I had to find this out in the very hard way. I stuck around Matt for years waiting for him his girlfriend and make me his priority (see Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?). And surprise surprise – it never happened! Don’t waste as many years as I did, life’s too short. Find someone who will make you their priority.

 6. A big age difference will catch up on you – It’s all fun and games dating older men – the charm, the experience, the life lessons. But it’s almost inevitable not to get attached (see How much difference does a 20-year age difference really make?). And more often than not, you two will have different goals and priorities in life – or the very least, different time spans. And you will get hurt.

8. If he’s too good looking, he’s probably not good in bed - Admittedly this is a vain one. And it is not based on a deep philosophy or theory. It’s almost like an observation I made over the years. If they are too good looking, they never had to look for sex – it just always happened. So they tend to rely too much on their good looks and not skills. So more often than not, they are not the best lovers.

      

9. There’ no Prince Charming – And no he won’t come to rescue you on his white horse. Learn to rescue yourself! And I cannot emphasize this enough! Stop looking for the perfect guy, he doesn’t exist. And the sooner you realize this, the faster you can start looking for something real. Look for someone to love with all his flaws and imperfections. Find someone with all its negative traits and decide whether you can leave with them or not – that’s the real thing!

10. Don’t expect anyone to love you, if you don’t learn to love yourself first – if you are not happy in your own skin and you are not happy with yourself – why would anyone else be? If don’t love who you are, how do you expect anyone else to do it? No one will do it for you. Learn to love yourself, because that’s the most important relationship you will have for your whole life. All else will just fall into place.

  

This morning I woke up to an email from a girl, asking me how she should behave to make a good impression, and to be ‘girlfriend material’, which, unsurprisingly, got me thinking about being perfect. We always look for Prince Charming, that one perfect guy who will swipe us off our feet and make us ride off into the sunset with him.  But, as idealistic (and unrealistic!) that is, let’s quit talking about Prince Charming for a second, and reflect back on ourselves.

 Which one of you can actually stand up and honestly say she fits the criteria for Cinderella? After reading that email, I was shocked. I thought that by now, all girls of a certain age and dating experience must have realized that the fairy is not exactly coming true with Prince Charming and Cinderella (or Sleeping Beauty for that matter), primarily because both characters simply don’t exist! It seems that a lot of girls have a distorted image of how they should be, and naturally, feel like they fall short of some unrealistic criteria that they impose on themselves. And who’s to blame them? Movies, fairytales and magazines put so much pressure on us, giving us a view of how a girl/woman should look, act, talk to impress and to be considered elegant and desirable. So I don’t know about all of you out there, but if it helps, I will tell you about myself!

  I’m not a princess, in fact I fall from grace with a loud ‘thud’ and probably land on my ass. And that happens a lot. I can’t walk gracefully on heels to save my life; in fact, I trip over completely flat surfaces, even wearing trainers. I will never have the perfect hair for all occasions; in fact, my hair is so big and messy that I’m lucky to get it under control most days. I will never have the perfect body and I don’t even need to, I’m not going to be on Next Top Model. Most of the time I’ll just say the first thing that comes to my mind without even thinking, which more often than not, is extremely embarrassing... but honestly who cares! I’m not going out trying to be a Princess, I will laugh my heart out and not care if everyone is staring if I feel like it. In fact, I believe that if I had to identify myself with someone, it would be Bridget Jones. Having watched that movie more than 50 times, I can see myself in so many things, that I feel like I’m laughing at myself every time. And I don’t even care. I will say one thing and mean another, I will embarrass myself, throw my Marlborough lights a million times in the drain before I finally manage to quit smoking, spend whole days in my bed just because I’m bored to get up and get dressed. I will binge eat every time I get nervous, wear a mismatching pair of socks and definitely not always have perfectly shaved legs. And the list goes on and on, but my point is that there is no such thing as a perfect little girl, that will make men go crazy for her because she simply fits all the criteria.

  Let’s face it: there will always be people that will turn us down, no matter how you look, sound, wear, etc. And for the reader that emailed me, if your goal is to impress with who you are, how can you judge who you should be, if there will always be people that won’t like you? So what does it even matter? And it’s so exhausting trying to be someone that you are not, it’s just not worth the trouble. And frankly, who would want that? There are not many people like you in this world, so instead of spending time trying to  impress other people, how about doing things to impress yourself? Maybe instead of trying to be ever so elegant, try to learn a new skill, a new language, or write a paper. It doesn’t matter, as long as it pleases you.

  And keeping all the instances that we fall short of the princess criteria, how about stop looking for Prince Charming? If we are not perfect, and no one said we should be, why is it that we keep looking for a perfect guy? Imagine how much better this world would be, if we found that one guy who is perfect for us and love him to the point that it doesn’t even matter anymore? Maybe I sound too idealistic now, but having fallen hard for two guys who definitely were not Prince Charming, with the standards that most women set, I learnt that it doesn’t matter. Because in the end, when you fall for someone, you will realise he’s probably far from meeting the criteria that you had set before falling in love, but you won’t care at all. And the sooner all girls realise this, the better. Just as you are not perfect, stop looking for that perfect guy who is going to look like Brad Pitt and behave like Edward Cullen. Who wants that? I wouldn’t fall for anyone like that, it’s just simply creepy - and I don't want to risk the 'glowing' part! Besides, the whole point of falling in love with someone is falling for all of their imperfections that seem perfect to you.

So to the reader that emailed me this morning asking how she can be the ‘perfect girl’ and to all of you out there who have this question: that girl does not exist! You are perfect just the way you are. You have flaws but so does everyone. And learn to love them, because how else do you expect someone else to do so if you can’t do it yourself? Learn to love yourself before expecting someone else to do that, and everything else will fall into place. Because afterall, the most important relationship, the most complex one and significant one is the one you have with yourself; and if you find someone to love you for that, then that’s just fabulous!

 What do you think? Is there a way that a girl should act, dress, talk to impress? Or is it better to just be yourself? Comment and let me know!

I once read somewhere that a threesome is one of the most common sexual fantasies amongst people. And it is true, that asking around you will find out that either most people have had a threesome, or want to... at least in theory. When it comes to me, a threesome is one of my sexual fantasies as well... but I can’t help wondering why I turned down the opportunity to make it come true. Naturally therefore, this story differs from my previous ones, as it doesn’t only involve me and a guy I dated, but also his wife.

 I met Aaron probably 4 months ago, during the busiest time of my final year. He’s 37 and had just moved to London from the States. But Aaron is married. At the time he was separated, his wife had not moved to London and from what he told me, he had an open relationship with her throughout their marriage. As much as I respect their choices, the only reason I thought it was acceptable to date him, was the fact that he was separated. But, what impressed me mostly was how patient he was with me, when I couldn’t meet up with him and after seeing him briefly a couple of times I had to take off for a month. I didn’t think much of it at the time, because I was sure that we would lose touch by the time I returned to London. In my mind there was no way that he would wait for me until I came back. So imagine my surprise when Aaron not only waited for me to return to London, but he also kept in touch with me for two months while I was away.  Despite having my doubts about dating him, I thought that someone that waited for so long to see me was worth a shot.

 A week after my return to London, I arranged to see him for a quick drink somewhere between our busy schedules. I was about to tell him that I wasn’t sure about dating him, and maybe it would be best to just leave it, but little did I know.. He informed me that his wife had moved to London to a new job, and they were back together, but still in an open relationship. My first thought was that I was putting myself in a mess... again! Really, had I not learnt anything from my experience with Mat and Nick? You never get involved with a man who shares his feelings for you... it always ends badly! Anyhow, thinking that I have learnt my lesson and half way through preparing my polite refusal to date him again, he dropped a bomb: “I showed my wife some photos of you and she wants to meet you. How about we go for a drink, all three of us?” He showed me photos of her, to which I had to admit she was drop dead gorgeous and then he  informed me that she was bisexual. Before I had time to process everything, he asked me if I wanted to join them... in bed. I was shocked, but the proposal somehow intrigued me.  I always wanted to try a threesome, it’s one of my greatest fantasies... then why the hell did I feel like this wasn’t the right thing to do? I wanted to say yes and no at the same time, so in order to avoid sounding like a complete psycho I said I would think about it.

 I came back home the same day feeling confused but excited. I started discussing it with Kate, who stopped me halfway and said “You are not seriously considering it right?” and then she walked out on me. After contemplating it for a while, I decided it was time to call in more help. I invited Shayla and Vivi last night and over some wine I decided to tell them the whole story. Both of them admitted that a threesome was one of their biggest sexual fantasies, but each one of them wanted it differently: Vivi would prefer two guys to join her and Shayla wasn’t sure she could do it with people she knew, so she would rather be with two people that she would never have to face again. I on the other hand, disagreed. My ideal fantasy would be another guy and a girl. So why was I still thinking about it? When Vivi asked if I wanted to do it, I said ‘I don’t know’, and then she said in a serious tone: “Don’t do it then. If you wanted to do it, you would know”.

 By now I know I won’t do it. As much as the proposal intrigues me and excites me, I decided not to jump into something I’m not quite sure about. But if a threesome has always been on the top of my sexual fantasies list, I can’t help but wonder... what really makes me say no? Am I really that old-fashioned or is this something I don’t want to do with practically two strangers? Are threesomes really that exciting for me or was I so jaded that I wanted to do something completely different when I delayed saying no?

 After some time, I realised that a threesome is an amazing idea in theory... but in practice, at least for me, all the right conditions need to take place. I would never have a threesome with two strangers. I will probably say yes, when it’s a man that I know and I trust and have another girl join us. Or maybe it will never happen. But at least now I know that I made the right choice. Magic might happen outside your comfort zone, but maybe I’m not ready to jump so far away from it. 

 What do you think about threesomes? Ever had one? Is it as exciting as they make it be or is it way overrated? Comment and let me know!

  

 Love can be a torture... it might bring you sleepless nights, heartache, tears and it can drive you crazy with jealousy. So if there was a question, you would definitely answer that love hurts! The emotional pain that comes with love is an undeniable, and almost inseparable, part of falling in for someone. But... what happens when we cease to talk about the emotional pain that comes with love and begin to ponder on the physical pain that can come with sex. Just to make it clear from the beginning, this post is strictly about having sex and pushing your boundaries, with consent from both participants (or potentially more!). This post has nothing to do with any form of abuse in a relationship, without consent.

 Having made that clear, I now turn to ask you: when was the last time you pushed your boundaries during sex? If you have to stop and think about it, it’s probably been too long... or maybe never. As I have not so recently discovered, magic happens outside your comfort zone.... when it comes to sex as well. It’s definitely true that you never know what you like and what you don’t until you have tried it; however, there will always be a few things that you definitely know whether you are curious to try or whether you will never want to. And pushing your boundaries when it comes to sex is definitely one of those things. I know that for some of you my story might seem completely ‘mild’ and for some of you it might seem extreme, but for me... it was definitely pushing my boundaries.

  I started wondering how sex would be if it was a little more adventurous or a little more painful somewhere around my first year of sleeping with Mat (see Just sex... or something more?). Sure, Mat would give me the occasional ‘tug of the hair’, which I liked, but he never went beyond that. Naturally, when I asked him one night to try pulling a bit harder, he jumped right into it without thinking too much about it. Not long after that, pulling my hair, which seemed more than enough before, was not sufficient to satisfy my curiosity. It was around that time that I asked Mat to try spanking me... and to my pleasant surprise I found out that the harder he spanked me, the more I liked it. It wasn’t long before I started asking him to experiment with more things... Handcuffing, blindfolding, spanking and slapping in the face, choking... sometimes everything combined. Mat never refused to try anything I wanted to, and even though he never admitted to it, I believe that he discovered that he liked the same things when I asked him to try them with me. I remember myself asking Mat plenty of times to slap me harder, or choke me, when he was sometimes holding back. I remember plenty of times waking up the next morning with bruises, but in a way that’s the best part. It’s a little reminder of the time I had spent with him.

 So rough sex, whatever its definition might be, can be pleasurable and sometimes extreme, but... can it be compatible with love? If lovemaking is synonymous with gentleness and romanticism, how can choking and spanking be another way of making love and not just indulging to our animalistic nature? Can it be, that against popular opinion, slapping and handcuffing you is another way of showing his love for you? One night, somewhere between my haze from the time I spent with Mat and the memories that were keeping me awake, I couldn’t help but wonder... Is there a fine line that separates lovemaking from pure, wild sex? And if so, why did I feel like I was falling more and more in love with Mat after every night I spent with him, when naturally, we had crossed that line long ago? When a few months passed by, I realized that it didn’t matter how much he hurt me or humiliated me during sex... what really mattered was that we both liked it. So what if I was submissive? He loved being the dominant one. And what if I liked pain a little too much? He liked hurting me. I came to realize that the distorted relationship I had with Mat, was heavily based on our mutual desire for pushing our boundaries. You can love someone and still have sex with them the way you enjoy it. Love making is not all about romanticism; It’s about two people sharing mutual desires... and from my experience the more extreme the desires, the more intimate sex becomes.

If you don’t know what you like until you have tried it, then it should go without saying that you don’t know what you don’t like without trying it. At least that’s what had to happen in order to discover where I draw my line. But because I would still like to keep some of my privacy when it comes to these things, I will refrain from narrating that experience. But what I will tell you is this: don’t be afraid to try out new things; even things you never thought you would be doing. But keep in mind one thing: most of the time you have to give up control to someone else in these situations, so make sure you trust the other person 100% before exploring new territories when it comes to sex. Plus, you won’t enjoy it properly until you know that you are safe in the hands of the man you let take control of you.

  As for me, I haven’t trusted anyone as much as I trusted Mat until now, so I refrained from making sex more adventurous. But sooner or later I’m sure I’ll start trying new things again with someone that I trust; but until then... go out have fun, be safe and don’t be afraid to try new things... and then come back and leave a comment or send an email! I’d love to hear from you. Do you have any similar experiences? Comment and let me know! 

  I recall, only a few years ago, that falling in love was never scary or intimidating. It was fun, it was easy and it was simple. Being with someone only meant hanging out with them more often than usual and the occasional make out session in secret places where no one would find us. When did it all stop being fun? When did fun turn into a slump and when did easy and simple turn into tears and heartache? One minute you can’t wait to fall in love because it’s just easy and joyous and the next you tread the moment you get attached to someone because you know the pain that follows!

 Looking back at my failed relationships I only saw one heartache followed by yet another, greater one. But a few years ago, if I was to break up with someone it wasn’t a big deal. It was a ‘let’s stay friends’ and then no one kept in touch but it was just fine!  A few years ago, when I met my friend Javier, I realized that love doesn’t have to be complicated and difficult. He had been through a lot in his life, but then he was happily married and in love. He had it all. He was my role model. However, when one day, about three months ago, he told me that he and his partner were ‘taking a break’ I was shaken to the core! I realized that no matter how much we love each other, it’s never going to get easier. Not even after 6 years of living with each other! Love is always going to take effort and pain to make it work. ‘I love him, I really do… But it just got so hard’, I recall him telling me one day over coffee. I know he does, but that didn’t stop me from wondering: Does the pain and heartache we feel over someone ever go away or do they just get greater the more we love that person? For me, Javier was always the person that had all the answers and could use reason better than any of us could. But ‘taking a break’ is a sign that something went very wrong. I remember when ‘break’ used to be a good thing: coffee break, spring break. Now it’s just ‘break up’, ‘break down’…

 I just can’t help wondering: when did it all change? Did the pain come with age? It used to be phone conversations until 4 in the morning, now it’s just a girl crying over a phone with a half-empty bottle of ‘Jack Daniels’ wishing him to call. It used to be silly giggles and stupid jokes and now it’s bad sarcasm and tears we try so hard to hide! I still wonder why I still cry myself to sleep every night over Mat, with tears that no one will ever be allowed to see, but I was more than willing to trade any old boyfriend for anything more exciting that came my way without even second guessing it! Was my life better then? Why does it feel different now? Why does it feel like I’m choking on air every time I remember him? We didn’t even have many good memories together, but somehow I was happy to throw away boyfriends that offered me nothing but fond memories! Did I get off track somewhere? Did we all get bored with the happy endings and decided to trade in ‘Prince Charming’ for ‘Jesus of Suburbia’? Why can’t we just be happy?

  And if we do accept that the laughs and jokes are meant to be replaced by heartache and tears as we get older… do we ever get used to it? Or, horror of horrors, do we even choose it? Do we become addicted to the exquisite pain that comes with wanting someone so much that your heart literally aches? Do we need the pain to reassure us that we are actually in love and fear living without the one we want? Maybe we are designed to believe that unless we feel the pain and cry ourselves to sleep night after night over the same person, then we don’t really know how to love. No one said relationships don’t take effort… but do they really have to take so much?

  And last but not least, why does ‘falling out love’ mean feeling hollow? We used to fall out of love and go on with our lives as if nothing had happened. Now we fall out of love and we feel empty. No tears, no feelings, no memories… it’s all blank. Where did all the feelings go? I’m starting to feel that maybe there’s a certain amount of love, tears and pain that we allowed to feel or shed for each person and once we cross that limit then maybe it all just goes blank. Maybe after having felt a tremendous amount of pain that comes from love ourselves need to feel nothing for some time before going back to normal again.

 So maybe we are designed to feel the pain and the tears to learn from love. We need to live through the bad in order to appreciate the better things that will come our way…. Because after all, good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place.

COMMENT and tell me your experiences on how your feelings have changed when falling in love over the years. Tell me what you’ve learnt or what you felt.

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  I have a list of all the blog posts I am doing, one right after the other… and this one was nowhere on the list. I had to write this post though because of what I realized today. My most popular article is by far ‘Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?’ and you will not believe how many people read that each day… and how many emails I receive asking me about that. I was under the impression that I’m one of the few girls that experienced what it’s like being the other woman and thinking he will leave his girlfriend for me. But I just found out otherwise.  I get emails on a daily basis, all asking me the same thing in a hundred different ways: ‘He said he loves me…’ , ‘He doesn’t love his wife anymore, he said he’ll leave her…’, ‘He is staying with her for a little while longer because she’s going through a rough patch’, and the list is endless. They all finish with the same question however:  ‘Do you think he will leave her for me?’… It just breaks my heart every time I have to answer the same thing to them: ‘No he won’t!’

 I decided to write this post to all those women out there, who think that he will leave his girlfriend for them and who are, what is commonly known as, the 'other woman'. I know exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is. I’ve been through that and I’m still not over it, but we can’t keep telling ourselves the same lie over and over again because we think something is going to change. It’s not easy to admit, but here is what it feels like being the other woman:

  Cynical would definitely not be at the top of my list when I talk about dating. However, after waking up one morning and finding myself amongst the ‘Top 10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs Of the Year’, I have to admit it got me thinking a lot! Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to find myself in that list; however I can’t help wondering: Are we becoming cynical without realizing it? Let’s face it; we are living in an era where romance has already died! Personally I think that if someone offers me their seat on the bus it’s romantic; on the other hand, if someone was waiting for me at home with candles and a bunch of rose petals saying ‘I Love You’ I would probably find it too cheesy, fake, pretentious, and the list goes on and on. Ok, yes that makes me cynical… but can you blame me? How often do we find the knight on the white horse, the perfect guy, our Mr. Dreamy? I’m just being realistic!

  Personally, heartbreak after heartbreak, I learnt not to expect too much from men, because more often than not, I get disappointed! Have a look through my past dating failures: Mat never broke up with his girlfriend (Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?), Nick is happily married (Can you fall in love with twopeople at the same time ? and  Do we need to change to be in a relationship), Chris ended up dating 9 girls in 3 weeks (When is it too soon to get excited?), and so on. Of course you will probably say ‘that’s because you still haven’t met the right guy’, and you are probably right… but until then, I’ll keep thinking of the person that give up their seats for me as Prince Charming!

 

  

  I don’t know if cynicism is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I’d say it makes us more realistic, we learn to not trust people easily (and that’s a hard-learnt lesson!), to be cautious before placing our heart in the hands of someone who blurted ‘I love you’ way too soon but on the other hand, we dismiss everything way too soon, and one day we might actually do the same thing with the right person! Maybe I was too cynical when I broke up with Nathan (After how much pain do we become emotionallyunavailable? ), just because he was too nice, because he said ‘I want to make you happy’ whenever I asked what he wanted out of our relationship, but I just couldn’t help it. Maybe we are programmed to think that unless there are some obstacles in our relationship, love life or dating then it is not real. I’m starting to think that we create a certain addiction to the pain we go through when someone breaks our hearts but we still hang on to him and it is that pain that makes us cynical, realistic, and pessimistic.

      

   However, having said all that, I think there’s something incredible about someone who is optimistic about what the future holds, someone who knows that her Prince Charming is out there, even if she has to kiss a lot of frogs before finding him. There are some people like that who brighten up our life and pass on to us their positive energy… if only I was one of them. I do believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don’t believe in fairytales anymore, and I don’t trust people easily, which is not a bad thing, in my opinion… So yes, I am cynical after all, and might I add: proud of it!

I would love to know what you think though, am I cynical? Are you cynical? And what do you think of the blog making it to the ‘10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs’ of the year? COMMENT below and tell me what you think! 

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  Love is selfish. I know it’s hard to hear, and you are probably thinking that loving someone is the least selfish thing you can do: you give them all you have, you sometimes change for them, and you compromise and want to make them happy. All this is true, but really, do you do all that for him or for you? You may change everything about you, but you still wouldn't do it for the sake of the other person, you would do it for the way you feel when you are with him. You love him because he makes you feel in a certain inexplicable, unimaginable, magical way – and that is perfectly fine. However, in a relationship, we draw our lines and expect someone to love us in a specific way and love us ‘under some certain conditions’: Don’t cheat on us, love only us, treat us in a certain way, etc etc. And this is all rational…. But what happens when you love someone the way he wants you to love him? Can you love someone so unconditionally that you give him everything he wants, any time he wants so that he can be happy, regardless of your own feelings? Can we put someone else above ourselves?

 My story with Mat is by now very well known (see Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?), and even though is towards its end, every once in a while I can’t help thinking: how different things would be if I was willing to love Mat the way he wanted me to? For those of you that don’t know yet, Mat has a girlfriend now, and I asked him to break up with her otherwise we are over. Of course he didn't break up, and Mat and I are history now. However… was I able to love Mat the way he wanted me to love him? Was I able to put him above myself? To do that, it would require to accept him being in another relationship and be with him when he wanted me to and the way he wanted me to. It would mean putting my needs and wants aside to make him happy. I would have to compromise with being the other woman, not complain and still be there for him for when he wanted me to. It sounds harsh on me, but loving someone so unselfishly means that you would be happy just because he would be! Happiness wouldn't be something that you would acquire based on how much the other person gave you (emotionally and/or materially) but based on how much the other person was getting from you –seeing them happy would make you happy and content. It probably sounds completely irrational right now, but pause for a minute and think about it. How many times did you feel bad because your loved one was sad or upset? How many times did that bring you down and upset you? And during those times, you would probably give up whatever you were doing (Even if you were out with friends ) and go to him to make him feel better? That is giving him love without expecting something in return, just because you love them. The kind of unconditional love I’m talking about takes this to a whole different extent. The irrationality of this love puts the other person above and beyond you throughout the relationship.

  Just to make this clear, I was never able to do this throughout a relationship, but for a short while I put Mat above me and my needs and wants. I accepted him being in another relationship and was there the way he wanted me to be there. Mat was going through a rough patch this past few months, regarding a lot of things in his life and the last thing I wanted was to upset him even more with the fact that I wanted him to break up with his girlfriend. So I decided that for those few months I would put him above me and be there for him without making his life even more difficult. I was the first person he would turn to when he needed to talk to someone about something. There were times when he was upset or angry about something and took it out on me, but I knew it would blow away so I was patient. He would come back and apologize immediately of course, but somehow the fact that I could make him feel better, just by being there; talking to him, holding him (even though he didn't belong to me) was enough for the moment. I was content with making him happy and when those feelings of anger and sadness (because I didn't have him for myself) sneaked in, I would hide them well and he would rarely see how upset I was. Now you are thinking: what kind of a relationship was it if you weren't happy but you pretended to be? And you are absolutely right. But a person that is willing to do this throughout a relationship is someone that, in my opinion, deserves to be respected and admired. They managed to put someone else’s happiness above their own; they were happy simply because their other half was. How many of us can say as much?

  Even though I love Mat with all of my heart, I know I will never be able to love someone the way they want me to love them. My love will always have a selfish side… the side where I want them to love me in a certain way and not give up everything for them. But even though I know myself well and the fact that I will never be able to love someone in such a way, I can’t help wondering once in a while: Would I have kept Mat with me if I loved him in such a way?... And if not forever, would I even be able to postpone, or even avoid, the heartache I’m feeling now that everything is over? Could I love him unconditionally? Because if unconditional love does exist, in my opinion, is something very similar to the love I described above.

I would be very interested to read your opinions on this, in the comment section below. Let me know what unconditional love is for you or if you ever experienced something similar to what I have described. CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and never miss an update!! 

  

 I have to admit that one of the main reasons for not posting so often is the fact that I have been in a mess for the past one and a half months. Frankly being a dating blogger and giving so many advices on dating should mean that I know what I’m saying, but when it comes to this post… I honestly don’t know where I’m standing. But, I realized that I can make my mistakes over and over again, and still learn from them each time… so I’m about to tell you about another of my big mistakes.

  It’s been about a month and a half since I came back home for summer holidays and naturally I had to dive into yet another love-story-gone-wrong.  I hope you remember Mat (if not then see, Just sex… Or something more?), because Mat turned out to be the highlight of this summer’s love failure. Of course he had to call me as soon as I came back, I was expecting that; what I wasn’t expecting was the fact that I ran to him as soon as he called! I should have known better, I’ve been down that road before! And I could sense trouble from the very first time that we met up… once you develop feelings for your fuck buddy things go wrong…. Wait a minute, scratch that: once you develop feelings for someone who is in a relationship things are bound to go wrong! Yes, you heard that one well: Mat is now in a relationship! So what on earth am I doing with him? I guess when you fall in love with someone reason has no part in the whole process. And so meet up we did, but this time I wasn’t going to put up with him being in a relationship… That’s another thing I’ve done before and I’m not willing to go through that pain again… So I chose to give him an ultimatum: "You leave her or I leave you". It wasn’t so simple though: I was going over and over it in my mind for weeks and when I finally said it, it was more like begging than threatening…  The thing is, I’m not one to threaten because when it comes to telling someone to leave their girlfriend: either he lives her and then at every little obstacle he just brings up the topic and you are the bitch that made him leave his girlfriend or he doesn’t, and then you are the bitch that wanted him to leave his girlfriend… either way it’s never a good thing. However, this time I had to tell Mat to leave her, mostly because it hurts me too much…. It’s excruciating imagining that he’s with someone else when he’s not with me, when I know that he won’t go out with me because he’s  scared of someone seeing us together or when we have to meet him in the middle of the night when it’s too late for his girlfriend to show up uninvited. Of course you would think: anyone in their right mind would never get into this mess in the first place… but then again, how many of you have fallen in love and followed what your brain said instead of your heart?

 Even though I did the unforgivable: asking him to leave his girlfriend (honestly what right do I have breaking up two people? But to my defense: a) he’s been thinking to break up for a while and b) I fell so in love with him it seemed like the only possible solution..) I knew how it should be played in order to maximize my chances of winning him over: no pressure, give him time, make him miss you, be positive, show him you care… And actually I did that.. for the first three weeks! After that I started getting impatient, asking him more often, pressuring him… and even though I tried to hide it I used to cry almost every day for him, I would lock myself in my room and just cry my eyes out until my eyes burnt and I had literally ran out of tears. Looking back at it now: Was he actually worth so many tears? Did I let my desire to live with him what I missed all the while I was away get bigger than him? Did he disappoint me, not because of his own fault, but because of my vast expectations? Relationship or no relationship, and regardless his feelings for me, Mat was never available for a relationship with me… and I wasn’t either.

 It’s been almost  6 weeks since I asked him to break up with his girlfriend and he still hasn’t decided… By now I know he won’t leave her, I just can’t bring myself to tell him that I want to ‘break up’ with him once and for all. Mostly I’m just staying here to confirm my suspicion that he won’t leave her… If I back up now and later on he decides to live her, I will be devastated. Even though I know the things he’s contemplating right now, I can tell you with absolute certainty the reasons why he (and most other men) will never leave their girlfriend for me (or anyone else out there that hopes the same as I do):

1.  Habit: even if he’s not head over heels with her, you have to give her credit for the one thing she offers him what you don’t : certainty! Men are creatures of habit, if they are used to her and they can live their life without much trouble with her, then why leave her? Leaving her and starting a new relationship with you (or me in this case) would cost them much more effort than just being with her and having an affair on the side with you as well. He will never leave the certainty of his girlfriend and dive into the unknown with us, no matter how much we want to believe in fairy tales.

2.  He can have you both, why bother changing that: Like they say, he can have his cake and eat it too! If he can juggle you both, why would he leave one? It just doesn’t make sense! Why would he change anything when everything is perfect? He doesn’t feel guilty, he can have his affair and then go back to his girlfriend and his friends! He has everything for granted, he will never dream of changing anything.

3. His friends: In my case this is a huuuuge factor. His current girlfriend is good friends with many of his friends. And the girlfriends of his friends. If he broke up with her and jumped into a relationship with me then he would be the jerk that left the good girl… and of course I would be the bitch that made them break up. This is another issue that I’m not sure I would be ready to deal with (when the time is right I promise to write a post on how to handle his friends). But I know this much: I love him enough to give it a go!

 Even though I know all the reasons he won’t leave her, I am just staying here, in desperate hope that he will find one reason to beat all of the above and choose me over her. I’m reaching for the stars here, aren’t I? (CLICK HERE to find out what happens with Mat when the next update comes up!) I know it’s hopeless, but once again I know I’ll have my heart in pieces and I can’t do anything to stop that. My only choice is to leave him before he does… not that it’s going to hurt any less. It’s like I’m watching a car crash happening in slow motion and I can’t do anything to stop it! Sometimes I have to swallow back my tears when I’m with him and I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs whenever he kisses my forehead.. And it’s all the little things that drive me crazy.. All the little things that I’m going to have to learn to do without.  All in all, now you know the whole story. I’m not sure what you’ve learn from it and I’m not sure what I’ve learnt either… but I’m not going to lose hope: Everything happens for a reason… right? If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the whole situation please comment and let me know, I’m a bit lost as you can see. Tell me about any similar experiences you may have had as well, and please if anyone out there knows someone who left their girlfriends for the woman he was in an affair with please let me know! I need to know if such men actually exist! CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and learn first how it turns out with Mat. Also follow me on bloglovin’ to read the posts as soon as they come up! 

NOTE: Due to the high popularity of this article, I just published a follow up: 'Being the other Woman'. Click on it to read it if you can relate! 
Comment and let me know what you think and how you feel! :) 

  

   Friend, boyfriend, fuck buddy, husband, partner… Friend, girlfriend, mistress, wife…. Why do we always need to use the labels? This is my first post that I don’t tell a story about myself, but instead about my friend Vivi and her experience with someone. Maybe I sound too self-centered, so I realized it’s about time I give other peoples' experiences as well!! Yesterday, while we were out shopping in London and stopped for a nice Mcflurry, Vivi decided it was about time to tell me her concerns over a guy she’s seeing, which brought up a lot of questions in my mind, which I naturally decided to share with you.

   At the beginning of this year Vivi was going out with a guy named Dan. Their relationship was short and brief and never clear how it ended. The closest thing she could come to a conclusion was that he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Months after that ended, she met a really nice guy called Ed. Since she met Ed I remember her being quite happier and smiling more often, but when she talks about him she always says ‘we are just friends’.  When I saw them together  a couple of times, they were being really flirty with each other (I didn't stalk them, I just bumped into them! I always need material for my blog, but I wouldn't go that far… hopefully!), but she always kept saying that nothing was going on and they were just friends. That was until one day, she came up to me while I was in the library revising (no way to get out of exams!) and she told me that she spent the night at his place. I knew there was something more to it than ‘just friends’, but she seemed quite skeptical about it. “We had a really nice time, he cooked for me and he makes me laugh… .we made out and then fell asleep together, but I don’t want to have sex with him or be in a relationship with him”. She kept saying that nothing more was going to happen and that he was great and made her laugh but they should just be friends. I didn't want to contradict her then because I knew the subject would make her uncomfortable and waited until she came to talk to me about it.

   So yesterday, somewhere between Urban Outfitters and Topshop she turned and told me “I still spend a lot of time with him, I miss him when I don’t see him for a few days and we talk every day, but  I don’t know what’s going on”. Naturally I asked her what she wanted from him and she frowned for a minute until she said “Well, I know I don’t want a relationship with him, or to have sex, but  I like him,  I like to hang out with him and I like to make out with him sometimes and sleep together… I don’t know what this is! I have to figure out if I want him as a friend or a boyfriend”.  Now it was my turn to frown and ask her “Why? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t you have fun the way you and him want to?” , to which she answered “Well, I don’t know what to tell people, are we friends or are we a couple?” By that point I was in deep thought and I pointed out that none of it matters, it doesn't matter what she will tell people, they can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I remember her saying “Deep inside we all care what other people think, even if we pretend not to” … I had to admit she was right. So I gave her the best advice I could “Do whatever you want, tell people you are just friends. Whatever you do in the privacy of your house is your own business”. Just when I thought the conversation was over and I had solved the problem (maybe I shouldn't think too much of myself!) she turned and said “But I don’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t know what we are, we are not just friends, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, we are not fuck buddies… we are just something!” That was when I started thinking about labels.

  As much as I would like to think so, it’s not just Vivi that wants labels, it’s most of us. If we don’t know what’s going on with the guy, if we can’t point our finger and name it, then suddenly we get uncomfortable. What will everyone else think? What are we doing?  Truth is, most of the time we don’t have everything clear in our minds; if we are not somewhere between dating and a relationship, then we are somewhere between friends and fuck buddies, and if we are not somewhere between couple and friends, we are somewhere between a relationship and a break up…. Why does it always have to be something?

  We girls are, by nature, perfectionists. We need to be able to define and explain everything perfectly, so it is only natural that when it comes to relationships we want the same thing. But after my afternoon of shopping with Vivi, I couldn't help but wonder: Why do we need labels to make it work? Why can’t we just go with the flow? Maybe, labels, just like in fashion, make us ‘wear’ it comfortably and with confidence, enabling us to show it off and share it with the world. Boyfriend, friend, fuck buddy, lover, husband… maybe it’s like Prada, Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and so on. Maybe it’s because of the way we grew up, in a society that judges everything, we need to be able to explain ourselves to anyone that asks for an explanation.  Later on, after contemplating on the subject for a few hours, I got a text from Vivi saying “I just realized, that’s exactly what I did wrong with Dan. I tried to put a label on him (boyfriend) that he wasn't ready for. That’s why it ended so soon!” and I had to admit, she was right! Dan ran off because Vivi wanted to jump into something that he wasn't ready for. I guess labels aren't always good after all. If Vivi had gone with the flow back then, maybe she would have hit it off with Dan, but we’ll never know.

   So my advice to all of you out there that are somewhere between relationships, dating, friends, fuck buddies and so on, is: if you are enjoying what you are doing, then just go with the flow. Don’t be in hurry to put a label on it; that will come on its own. Right now, there might not be a label for it; it might as well just be… something, or anything. Eventually all the pieces will fall into place... Until then, laugh at the confusion and live for the moment.The important thing is if you are enjoying it, then that’s all that matters. And when it comes to what others think… well, the less they know the better!

By the way, please send me your stories to get inspired from and I will create posts from your stories as well, with conclusions and advises (if I can find any!). You can contact me at livefornow1992@gmail.com

Comment and tell me if you are experiencing something similar, and how much you like labels!