One of the most common questions, if not the most common one, that every woman wonders, in every relationship, is “is he cheating on me?”, or “is he thinking of cheating on me?” or even “will he cheat on me at some point”? And no matter how you phrase it, the ultimate question, behind every woman’s suspicion, is the same: “Is there something that he wants or needs that he’s not getting from me? Am I good enough?”.  Of course it’s obvious that behind such questions, there is always self-doubt… and as much as we hate to admit it, all of us (or definitely the good majority of women) wonder this every now and then in our relationships.

 One of the things that I liked from the very beginning with my relationship with Serge, was the honesty. It’s probably the first relationship that buried those questions so far at the back of my mind, that I had almost forgotten their existence. He never gave me any reason to doubt him and he made it crystal clear from the very beginning how much he detested cheating. And so my mind was put to rest… Until one day I had reason to doubt everything. While spending one lazy afternoon in Serge’s bed reading a book, while he was downstairs watching a movie, I heard a notification on his phone. I hadn’t noticed until then, that his phone was charging right next to me, with him nowhere to be seen. It didn’t even cross my mind to go through his phone or even see who texted him, but the minute I turned my head towards the pages of my book again, I realized that it wasn’t a text message. It was a Tinder notification. And suddenly I was furious. I’m not one to pry, I wouldn’t dare open the message; but that didn’t stop me from heading downstairs and snapping at him. He didn’t even sweat it, he laughed and merely said with great ease “Tinder is still on my phone? I completely forgot I had it!” And just like that, he locked his phone and put it on the table next to him. He did it so skilfully that I thought to myself ”how silly of me to think that he would pick up girls from tinder to cheat on me”.  

And I remained in that mind-set for two weeks after his first Tinder message. Until one night, I came back late from work, exhausted, but after dinner, there it was again; the message notification, three of them, one right after the other… all three from tinder, from a sender named “KT”. And that was it; I lost it. I was infuriated and started shouting at him, asking questions, firmly believing that he was lying to me. For one thing, I was definitely angry at him for exchanging messages with random girls from Tinder, and not even admitting to it. Three messages in a row from a girl on Tinder, wasn’t a conversation starter, it was definitely a response. But on a whole different level, I was angry at myself, and taking it out on him. I was angry at myself for letting him fool me the first time, and for believing his excuses. I was angry at how naïve I was. I recall me shouting at him “stop lying to me!” and him saying “I’m not!” I told him to delete it; he said he would, but he wouldn’t do it right there in front of me. I said, “if you are not replying to them, then show me. Open the message in front of me”, but he wouldn’t. As if I needed that confirmation to know that he was lying.  So when we went to bed that night, I waited for him to get in the shower so that I could go snooping for his phone. I need to stop and clarify here, that I’m not that kind of girl – I respect someone’s privacy and it’s none of my business messing around their phone. But my anger and curiosity took over the best of me that night. He was so good with words, that he almost made me think I’m crazy, even after seeing all those notifications. So I wasn’t going to have it – I’m not a psychotic bitch, I don’t get possessive or jealous, especially without reason. So I needed to prove that to myself. And while all these thoughts were taking over my mind, I suddenly found myself with his phone unlocked (I’ve known the password for months and still didn’t attempt to snoop before that!) and looking at the tinder application on the homepage. I opened it without even giving it another second of thought, and there I was, all of my suspicions confirmed, proving to myself that I’m not crazy: A few minutes before I got home, he had messaged a girl on Tinder: “How is  your evening going? Do you have anything planned? Xx”. And that message was following a long conversation with her, which started days ago – which unfortunately I didn’t have time to read. And there I was with the confirmation in my hands, and waiting for my mind to be put at ease; I wasn’t crazy afterall. But instead, for the first time in my relationship with Serge, I felt cold sweat dripping down my back and a surge of jealousy that was overwhelming.

 I didn’t know how to bring up the conversation again – I couldn’t tell him I snooped around in my phone and I couldn’t tell him one more time “I just know that you are talking with girls, don’t lie to me!” – he would just say I’m crazy. But then again, I couldn’t not talk to him about it. By the time he got out of the shower, I was pacing restlessly around the bedroom, trying to calm myself. Naturally he noticed it, so he asked me “what’s wrong?”, to which I just blurted out “Why are you talking to girls on Tinder? Stop lying to me, I know that you are, just tell me why!” Once again, this led to him denying everything. But there was one thing that he said, which I had to admit he was right: “Look at this place! Your stuff is everywhere, your clothes, make up, accessories; you think I would bring another girl in here with all your stuff around my house?” When this conversation led to yet another fight, and us sleeping in two different rooms, I couldn’t put it off my mind. I kept asking myself why he was chatting to other girls, I kept wondering whether there was something that he wanted, I started doubting myself. I somehow knew that right now he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, and he wasn’t dating anyone else, not yet at least, but I couldn’t help but wonder: Is he looking for someone new, to start dating and get rid of me as soon as he finds her? Or is chatting to girls on Tinder, merely for an ego boost, something to pass his time and make him feel better about himself? And ultimately, why am I not good enough that he has to go look for other girls? In either case, it all came down to me questioning what I’m doing wrong. With a twenty year age gap, I somehow highly doubted that he was just looking for sex with someone else; but maybe, just maybe, he was looking for someone that he would actually have a future with, in contrast to me. And that scared me, probably more than the fact that he might just be looking for sex. Somehow thinking about it rationally, I knew it was just an ego boost, a way to pass his time when he had nothing better to do and feel better about himself. And that was confirmed, when two days after that, even though the topic wasn’t brought up again, Tinder was gone from his phone.

 I was going to end this post by just drawing the conclusion myself, but this time, I have a definite answer, and it proves me right. A few hours ago, over an early Sunday dinner and a light conversation about dating, I brought up the topic again and half jokingly I said “All men look for an ego boost every now and then. Girls do it too. But I know that’s why you were talking to girls on Tinder”. And this time, for the first time, he didn’t deny it: “Correct, but that’s very rarely, and it’s just a chat. And that’s when I’m with a friend and we just do it as a joke”. I knew there was still a bit of lie in what he said, but he had admitted to it, and I didn’t want to push the topic anymore. I was suddenly more at ease with the idea, and although I don’t particularly like it, I just laughed and told him: “Look, I don’t get why you need an ego boost. You are 42 and you get to fuck a 23 year old, that should be enough of an ego boost”. It made him laugh in agreement; but I didn’t need his approval on that one – I was sure that was true from the very beginning. So I was finally at ease, and even though I don’t like the idea of him looking for an ego boost through pointless conversations with random Tinder girls, I know that at this point, he's content – and that’s enough for now.

 What do you think? Did you ever go through the same experience? How did you deal with your boyfriend chatting to girls on dating websites/applications? 

 If your job takes up most of your time and you find it impossible to look for the perfect date on a regular basis, then you are not alone; half of London is in your shoes! Fortunately, there are ways to fit 20 dates in about an hour and a half (given that you can make time for that at least). With the speed and flexibility, lack of awkwardness and convenience that speed dating provides nowadays, it should come as no surprise that I decided to give it another go. This time I chose a different experience with DateinaDash.com. When it comes to speed dating, the relief that comes before the dates is priceless: no long conversations with people you might not like, no awkward silences, no pressure on whether your date will like your outfit – there are more than twenty dates here, someone is bound to love it! Even with the avoidance of the nerve-wrecking anxiousness that comes with first dates, DateinaDash.com has a lot more to offer during their speed dating events.

  I attended their speed dating event last Friday, at Mahiki in Mayfair. At this point I need to stop and admire the choice of venue! With a wonderful interior, friendly staff and drinks to die for, Mahiki was, in my opinion, the best choice of venue for the event. Upon arrival we were all greeted by the friendliest host, who made sure everyone knew their way around and had a name tag. He was there all along to ensure the event run smoothly and made the last traces of nervousness vanish by a couple of witty jokes. Arrival of participants was at 7.30, which gave us all half an hour before the speed dating started, to mingle and briefly meet all the singletons of the evening. Possibly the most pleasantly striking feature of such events is the wide variety of people you get to meet, of different ages and backgrounds, which makes the conversations ever more interesting. Plus, the great number of people that were at the event (44), meant that you didn’t have to spend a second with anyone you didn’t want to talk to, and it still gave you a pool of people to interact with.

  Before the dating started, everyone was given a card to write down the names of their dates and tick whether they liked them. There was a selection of three boxes to tick: ‘Yes’, ‘No’ and ‘Friend’; giving you a choice of whether you wanted to see that person again and under what conditions! The card also gave a few dating ‘Dos’ and ‘Don’ts’, just in case someone was nervous about what was acceptable to do during dating, as well as a few ice breaker questions, which gave a good push to any conversation that reached a standstill. Once all the ladies were seated, the bachelors started rotating clockwise between the women, spending three minutes at each table. This gave everyone just enough time to get to meet the other person, get a glimpse of their character and decide whether they wanted to meet them again or not! It also didn’t give enough time to interact for a long time with anyone you didn’t want to and the three minutes definitely prevented any potential awkward silences. Of course with some dates, three minutes can seem like an hour and with other it can seem like a second, but either way all is part of a worthwhile experience. A ten minute break was given to all daters halfway through the speed dating, which allowed everyone to get some drinks and mingle some more. This was a good chance to carry on any conversations that were interrupted when time run out during the speed dating. By this time, everyone was more comfortable, all the anxiety had vanished and people were mingling mindlessly making new friends, and potentially new dates!

 After the event had finished, the matches were made without the singletons lifting a finger. The welcoming host collected all the cards and within twelve hours made all the matches and sent an email to all the participants. In the email you get all your matches from the event, both as dates and as friends. And if you happen to log in your account on DateinaDash.com you can even send them a direct message and start the conversation going… where you left off! Tempted yet? On top of all these, DateinaDash.com offers these events at the great price of 20 pounds, and a wide variety of events to choose from! But make sure to book your event ASAP, because tickets are running out fast! 

For more information on the events and prices visit: www.dateinadash.com

*This is a sponsored post. Many thanks to DateinaDash.com for the invitation. All the opinions are my own. 

 In a relationship, there comes a point, when a woman will probably start wondering if everything is normal. And it comes as no surprise, that most of us, take as points of comparison other couples. Usually, if you sit and have a conversation with your girlfriends and realize that their relationship works differently from yours, there will come a point when the unavoidable question will pop on your mind as well: “is my relationship normal if we do things differently?” And it also comes as no surprise that most of us ask that question every now and then, because for some weird, unexplained reason we think that relationships should follow a specific recipe, a one-size-fits-all formula.

  As an unspoken girl rule, when two girlfriends meet up for a catch-up it is unavoidable to escape the boy-talk. So when I met Vivi for a drink a few weeks ago, whom I haven’t had a chance to catch up with for a few months, I was pleasantly surprised to hear how well her dating life was going. She had a met a guy whom she actually likes – something that happens next to never – and was dating him for a few good months. She told me how things are going perfectly well for the two of them and how surprised she was to meet someone that was on the same page as her. I recall her telling me: “We are both very busy people. We make time for each other but we give each other their own space. I see him every weekend, and we don’t talk in between. We have other things to do and we just catch up once a week when we meet up”. I remember being very surprised: “I get how busy you are, but how can you not talk at all during the week?” I recall her dismissing the question by just saying that it works for both of them and she’s happy – “after all, I like him but we are just dating”. When I got home that night, I couldn’t take her words off my mind. I was happy for her that she found something that works for her, but talking to someone you are dating for a few months just once a week seemed quite weird to me. With the fast-paced London life and crazily demanding jobs, I don’t think that anyone of us can say we are not busy. But how can you be so busy that you can’t find 10 minutes in a day to talk to the guy you are seeing? And if the real reason is not the busy schedule then what is?

I kept comparing her relationship to mine and thinking which one of the two of us has got it all wrong. I am not the type to text and call every hour, and we definitely don’t talk to each other all day long. But there’s going to be at least one phone call before we go to bed at night, just to catch up with each other. I usually don’t look for more contact throughout the day simply because that’s enough. But if I don’t get to talk to Serge at least once per day, I’ll usually be quite upset or worried the day afterwards. It was like her dating life made me question mine: am I too needy for wanting to call Serge at least once a day or did she put way too much distance between herself and the guy she’s dating? When I couldn’t understand how Vivi could make it work by only talking to him once a week, I dismissed the thought and decided that if it works for her, that’ great. Maybe each couple does write their own rules and no one else needs to understand them.

 A few days ago, after I got home at night after a long day and warmed up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie, I got a panicky phone call from Vivi. To make a long conversation short, apparently falling for someone can write off all the rules that you had created. She came to a point where she realized she had actually fallen for the guy and seeing him or talking to him just once a week was no longer enough. “I do have a lot of things to do every day, and I’m still quite happy with him… but I think I do want more contact with him. I realise that I miss him more and more every day”. As much as I wanted to help her, I wasn’t the person to talk to about this topic. I told her that the best she could do was try to talk to him a bit more, maybe text him every other day and see how it goes. Afterall, maybe this was something he wanted as well. Turns out a couple of days later she talked to him and they called their relationship exclusive and now she’s never been happier.

 But even after everything finished, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How did she come to change her mind after just a few weeks, when everything seemed to be working so perfectly for her? How can she suddenly not be happy with something that days earlier she found ideal? And ultimately, when it comes to relationships, does each couple make their own rules or is there really a one-size-fits-all formula that apply to all relationships? It is often said that falling for someone is a constant feeling of wanting more… more contact, more time with them, more reciprocation to your feelings. So if that is true, Vivi’s reaction shouldn’t come as a surprise to me. I could never see her as being needy or chasing a guy around constantly, but there’s nothing surprising about falling for someone and wanting to keep in touch with them on a regular basis. I guess the only reason that I was surprised by her, is simply because I know that usually she’s more rational than emotional, in contrast to me.

 So maybe each couple does write their own rules… up to an extent. Maybe there’s a limit to how much distance you can put between yourself and the person you are dating. Some couples text every hour, some are constantly on the phone with each other, and some meet up every day. I know Vivi would never be like that, simply because it’s extremely out for character for her. And as for me, this is not who I am either. I do get more emotional that she does, and I probably would fall for someone more easily than she will. But I would always need my space and some 'me time'. But I’ll still need to keep in touch with the person I’m seeing, at least once a day… even if that sounds needy to people that have written their rules differently. I guess not changing who you are just to be in a relationship is exactly what allows you a margin for flexibility, but then again falling for someone is often a feeling of wanting to keep the other person close to you… at least once a day.

What do you think? Does Each Couple Write Their Own Rules? What are your rules? Comment and let me know!

If you have been following my blog for some time now, you would probably now that the chances of me dating a man of the same age as mine, are next to zero; you will also probably know that the man I’m currently dating and I have an almost 20 year age difference. I talked about Dating An Older Man in a previous post, but seeing as I am probably getting a lot more attached to this topic than I initially thought I would have, I wanted to write this post and share it with you. 

 I recently wrote a post about how it felt falling for Serge, but up until that point I hadn’t admitted it to him. That was until about two weeks ago. There comes a point when you realize that you are in love with someone... there are also those moments that you wonder whether you should tell them or not. And then there are the moments that you never expect to tell them... but somehow it just comes. Naturally, for me it had to be the latter. About two weeks ago, I invited Serge over for a home-cooked meal and a movie, and just when I thought the whole evening had  gone by perfectly and he was getting ready to leave, I started getting an unsettling feeling. I knew I wanted to tell him for a while, but I never thought that would be the night that I would actually do it. I could feel my hands sweating once again and my breathing getting faster. I thought that if I could just calm myself down I wouldn’t have to tell him anything, and I could put it off for another day. But because in those moments the words usually escape my mouth long before my brain has the time to process the thought, I stood in front of him, and blurted: “I want to tell you... I’m in love with you”. I seem to faintly recall him asking whether I was feeling ok before I said anything; undoubtedly he could see me having a panic attack, as much as I tried to hide it. His response was probably the precise reason why so many of us are scared of uttering those words out loud: He said “that’s lovely”, gave me a tight hug and a kiss. I’m not sure how much I recall from my haze, but I think I was so shocked I actually muttered ‘lovely?’ under my breath. I also must have not been very good at hiding my edginess and astonishment, because he remarked that I looked a bit panicky. I tried to collect myself as much as possible for the next minute, said thank you for coming over and kissed him goodnight. When I closed the door I paced around the house for the next 30 minutes replaying what I could remember from the whole scene to myself and scolding myself for saying it. To make a long story short, after discussing it with a few friends and thinking it through rationally, I realized why what I did was a big mistake and how naive I was. Unfortunately, these are things that I should have thought about before and not after saying it!!

 As much as I’m glad that he didn’t dump me on the spot as soon as I said it, I can’t help but wonder what will happen next. Coming to think about it, unless something goes extremely wrong in this relationship, I’m probably not going to break up with him anytime soon, simply because I am not looking for anything more. So naturally, the only way this will end is by him waking up one day and realizing that it’s about time to look for what most men want at this age: a woman to settle down with and start a family. As much as I am not that woman, and I would never want to be for at least the next 10 years of my life, I can’t deny the fact that this thought scares the hell out of me. And as much as I wish that this was all in my head, I know it’s not; even he admitted it earlier on in our relationship: I’m just a distraction from the reality that he should be looking for someone to settle down. By now I have accepted the fact that one day he will want to look for something more with someone that can actually give him what he is looking for – but how soon is that day going to be? And I could probably talk to him about everything, but the one question that I need to ask, is precisely that one that I could never bring myself to say: Will you stay with me long enough to make up for the fact that I’m going to get my heart broken once you have had enough of the ‘distraction’? But even if I had the chance to get an answer to this, I am not sure that it’s not too late. Maybe I already got too emotionally invested, no matter what the answer might have been.  

 So maybe at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter when this will end, but maybe I shouldn’t have revealed all my cards. If I had thought this through, I wouldn’t have said ‘I’m in love with you’ and I would save me some of my dignity and this overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. But I guess, this way I’ll know better next time. And as for when this ends, I guess it doesn’t really matter now. If I keep worrying about this, I’ll forget to enjoy this relationship for what it is, even if it has an expiration date... and even if it’s not in a long time from now.

 What’s your opinion on this? Did you ever say ‘I’m in love with you’ before thinking it through? And where did it get you? Comment and let me know!

  

 As we get older, and move from relationship to relationship it is unavoidable that we will see some patterns repeating themselves. Most of us found ourselves (probably in every relationship we ever had) being disappointed in our guy for the same things over and over again. As if wondering what goes on in our minds and what we feel goes wrong with our guys wasn’t enough, there comes a time when we have to learn the awful truth: there’s always two sides to every story; we don’t just get disappointed in our guys, they get disappointed in us as well.

 As women, we are, by nature, designed to obsess about every little thing. We are well known for overanalyzing each and every detail, creating imaginary scenarios in our minds and then overreacting to them as well. So there comes a point in every relationship when we feel like something is off – even if everything is perfectly normal. Maybe he doesn’t call often enough, maybe he seems like he doesn’t care, maybe we think he doesn’t want us enough.... and maybe, just maybe this is all in our head. Just like most women out there, I tend to overthink every little detail: “Why hasn’t he called in the past few hours?”, “He doesn’t seem to be pretty into me lately”, “Maybe he’s losing interest, am I doing something wrong?”. Most of the times these are things we wonder, or obsess about to our friends but usually never tell the guy what goes on in our head – primarily because everything is a creation of our imagination; and we knew this all along! But even if this is the case, we all know perfectly well that our insecurities have their own way to manifest themselves, and these little obsessions are the most common one. But I just didn’t know how much until I got a guy’s point of view on this. One morning, over coffee at Serge’s place, he opened his ex-files. As much as this is completely unnecessary in a new relationship, there is something intriguing about finding out about your guy’s past relationships, and what went wrong – the very least, this could help you figure out a dating pattern. But, I wasn’t prepared at all for what I found out.

Apparently, our dating behaviour changes from bad to worst as we get older, and as soon as we hit early to mid 30s and our biological clock starts ticking, it gets the worst it can get. Here I was, placing all on my hopes on the illusion that I will learn from my dating mistakes as I get older and possibly be able to balance a proper relationship in 10 years time ... when it all came tumbling down. Apparently not only do we not learn anything from our past dating failures, but we get impatient... and start believing that emotional manipulation is the way to go when it comes to keeping a guy. As soon as Serge said that to me, I dismissed it as an overgeneralization of his past dating failures. But even when I got home, I still kept over obsessing about that topic (as a woman naturally would do), so I figured I’ll use my good old friend google to look into it. And I couldn’t believe it... there it was, my worst dating fear coming to life: all sorts of blog posts, comments and even famous magazine articles, all talking about the exact same thing – emotionally manipulating the men we are in a relationship with through the use of drama, dominating them, making them wait, withholding sex, underestimating them, making them jealous, instructing them on how to do things, and the lists went on and on. As I stared in horror at the countless webpages, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this going to be me in ten years time, is there any way to avoid it, or horror of horrors .... is that me already? Yes, we do like to play little games, make our men jealous from time to time, just to get some more attention or make them chase us a little, and maybe even subtly suggesting how they should change a few things we don’t like ... but is this taking a whole new dimension and overwhelming all the men we are dating? And as if this wasn’t bad enough, Serge gave me yet another reason why women in their 30s have more dating failures than successes: most of them start dating with an ultimate goal in their mind – to get married and start a family. Of course this is reasonable, but apparently, the pursuit of that goal, makes women rush into things, and forgetting to actually enjoy the relationship. At least that’s one thing that we girls in our 20s have over women in their 30s: we just enjoy the relationship for what it is and not for what it can turn into in the near future.   But the more I got to think about it, the more infuriated I got: not only did I get personally offended after this conversation, but it seems like most guys out there blame us for whatever goes wrong in the relationship.

 And just when I thought it wouldn’t get any worse, Serge gave me the old time classic reason that women find themselves single in their mid-30s: they are waiting for Prince Charming. I recall him saying:”About 3-4 months into the relationship, they realize that the guy is not Prince Charming, he can’t be there whenever she needs him, he has his own life, his own job and his own responsibilities... and that’s about the time they break up with him”. Now that’s an argument I actually couldn’t refute; that’s something that does happen and I have seen it; it’s something I even wrote about before in my blog (see Why are we still single?).  But even so, standing there, completely shocked and losing all faith in a normal stable relationship, I couldn’t find any answers to all the questions that kept going through my mind: Why are you dating me? Why are you even dating in general? And even worse, Are you expecting me to turn into one of those women in a few months time? Are you expecting me to explode in a couple of months because you are not Prince Charming or maybe start manipulating you to get what I want? And by now I know I won’t find any answers to those questions; even Kate was shocked when she heard all this, asking me the exact same questions to which I have no idea how to answer.

 Despite all this, I decided to stick around; not so much to prove him wrong and confirm that all womankind is not mentally imbalanced and psychotic, but mostly because I have to prove myself right. I may not even make a difference to him, but I’m not going to back down just because he thinks that we are all crazy women looking to get married with Prince Charming (or turn any guy into Prince Charming), have his babies and settle down in a fairytale-like relationship. Afterall, as naive as I sound saying this, who wouldn’t get bored of Prince Charming? Every woman wants a guy who has flaws; they are the best part and you just learn to love them. As for the emotional manipulation – I guess some women must do that, and some guys can’t put up with this, but honestly at this point, the only thing that counts is to be honest, respect the guy you are with and show him that you are his, not make him doubt it and keep him in a constant fear that you might run away ... and everything else will eventually fall into place. At least that’s what we have to keep believing, otherwise we might just give up on dating right here and now, because we are all doomed.

 Ever had that kind of experience with your man or heard of similar stories? Comment and let me know