A Validation to A Shuttered Ego or A Self-Destructive Pattern?

14:48 Unknown 0 Comments


There’s always one guy that you always knew was completely wrong for you in every possible sense, but you still went for it – if for no other reason, maybe because there is always something incredibly hot about sleeping with someone that you know you definitely shouldn’t. For me, that guy was Craig. Arrogant, sleazy, immoral and definitely unavailable in every possible way. I’ve known Craig for more than a year now but never gave into any of his advances… that was until I broke up with Serge.

 The details of how I know Craig are unnecessary – but I never liked him. His unjustified and needless arrogance is always borderline insultive to anyone around him and his luck of any trace of moral framework makes him one of the least likeable people I have ever met in my life. As much as I always hated everything about him… I couldn't help but find it just as intoxicating. His advances towards me began almost a year ago and there was nothing subtle, romantic or sweet about them. There is always something flattering about a guy wanting you and expressing it – even in the despicable way that Craig did it. But as much as I turned him down, time after time, the tension between us was growing - so much that a friend once said you could cut it with a knife. And time after time, I found myself thinking about sleeping with him – afterall, some of the best sex I ever had was with guys I was never meant to be with. The last time I turned him down was right after Serge broke up with me. I was vulnerable and emotional, but couldn’t even think about sleeping with anyone else at the time…

But as it is very well-known by now, I never had self-discipline going for me as a virtue, and after a night of drinking I found myself in Craig’s bed. After all the tension that was building up over the last few months, there I was having some of the best sex I ever did with a man I practically hated. After I woke up from my drunken night with Craig, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had pushed me to give in to him this time round – was it the alcohol, the tension that had been building up between us for months now… or was it more than that? Was Craig a validation to my shuttered ego after my break-up with Serge? Was I too vulnerable (and drunk) – and did Craig happen to be there at the right place and time? Whatever it was, I kept going back for more over the next couple of months… over and over again I found myself having some of the hottest sex and then hating myself for it – how can something that felt so good at the time, feel so wrong afterwards?

 Then along came Gerald (see What We Are Not) and I made a point of ending and erasing the whole mistake with Craig – cold turkey. And I was relieved to do it, completely forgot about him and was able to fully enjoy my fling with Gerald… until it was over. And then, like clockwork, I found myself in Craig’s bed once again. I won’t be tempted to say in Craig’s arms… that was never the case, we never had that type of relationship – it was just sex and then one of us was in a cab back home. I couldn’t understand what it was that was drawing me back to him time after time, wanting more. But what I did know was that I needed someone to slap me back into reality – so I reached out to Sandra. 

  Admittedly I was embarrassed to tell her that I had fallen back into the same trap with Craig for the second time – her disapproval of my affair the first time still made me blush with shame, but I had no choice. To my great embarrassment she didn’t sound surprised at all – “I knew you would do this” she said to me somewhere between my overwhelming shame and her reasoning, “you do the same thing every time. You find the worst possible guy for you, when you are at your most vulnerable, and you go back to him over and over again. Why do you do this to yourself?” And just like that I lost the earth beneath my feet – it was one thing to have a brief affair that was wrong; it was quite another to realise that I do this every time.

 After I left Sarah that afternoon, I couldn’t shake the thought. She was right – I went back to Craig after both Serge and Gerald. I did the same with Matt – I knew how wrong he was for me and I kept going back for more (see Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?). And in light of a trusted friend’s opinion, I couldn’t help but wonder: Was Craig not just a validation to my shuttered ego, was he the sequence to my overly repeated, self-destructing, devastatingly painful pattern? And if so, did Craig fit a sick, distorted relationship pattern that I had developed, or did he fit my in-between relationship pattern? Was he a safety net that I kept going back to when all else failed?



 Either way, I couldn’t afford to explore the answer to those questions. I had to break that pattern – it was sick and painful. And at the end of the day, the more I came in contact with Craig, the more danger I ran of getting emotionally attached to him – and that’s definitely something I didn’t want. So I decided to break my pattern right then and there – I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist texting and reaching out to him when I felt like it, so I took drastic measures. I deleted every evidence of Craig’s existence – every text message, phone call and trace of contact detail on my phone. I’m sure his huge ego didn’t take the blow very well and it’s not easy for me either (of course I would never admit that out loud – I have my own ego to look after). But at the end it was worth it, because just like that, I finally managed to break my pattern – whatever that was.


Do you have a pattern in the men you pick or relationships you tend to get into? If so, what is it? Is it healthy, or self-destructive, like mine? 

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What We Are Not

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 You know the jitters you get when you go on a first date? The nerve-wrecking anxiousness of what to wear, what to say, how to behave? Every girl is familiar with it. My experience with Gerald was nothing like that… It was one of those rare occasions where you feel that for some inexplicable reason, the person that you met an hour ago and who’s now halfway through their second drink, is someone you’ve known for years. I met Gerald online and was talking to him for quite a while before arranging our first date – and it was clear we’d hit it off really well even before we met. So when we finally met, it came as no surprise that I got ahead of myself and even after the first couple of times of seeing him I managed to picture myself in a proper relationship with him. Afterall, we never ran out of things to say, he was smart, charming, he made me laugh and the sex was out of this world – what could go wrong right?

 With everything going great a month into dating Gerald, I was in no hurry to call it a relationship. I was going with the flow and enjoying it. I didn’t feel the need to rush into anything, if it was meant to be it would eventually be. But that was until I found out I was running out of time – a few weeks later Gerald dropped a bomb. I woke up one morning to an unsettling text saying that he was moving to America in 3 weeks’ time, for a few months, and he had no interest in having a long distance relationship, so it would be better to keep it casual until he leaves.  And I was suddenly confronted with one of the biggest controversies that’s all too familiar to the female species – I couldn’t have Gerald the way I wanted to… so I suddenly wanted him more.  I tried to reason with him – I said we weren’t yet in a relationship and it wasn’t really long distance, it was just 2-3 months. I said we can forget about calling it exclusive for now but stay in touch when he’s away and see how it goes. But he wouldn’t listen – he said that he knew himself too well and it wouldn’t work. He didn’t give me any options so with the danger of getting attached, and eventually hurt, I agreed to keep seeing him for the next few weeks until he leaves. I knew I ultimately wanted more from him but just like my fellow hopeless romantics before me I dove into something that had absolutely no hope to turn into anything real.

 The three weeks came and passed and soon it was the night before the big day. I was feeling awkward – expiration dating was something I’d done in the past, but I didn’t know how to end it. So when he called me that night, somewhere over a long conversation and a bittersweet taste in my mouth, I said “so I guess this is goodbye then?” And then something amazing happened – he changed his mind. He said to me, “Let’s just keep in touch and see how it goes”. That was all I wanted – now I had a chance to give it a shot and I was determined to make it work. But despite my best intentions and hopes, this was the last time we ever spoke as anything more than mere acquaintances.



 From the next day onwards, the ocean in between us drove us apart faster than his flight to Washington. I did my best to stay in touch with him but he just wasn’t bothered. He would hardly reply to my texts and would never text first. I barely knew what was going on in his life and he had no interest in what was going on in mine. Ignoring all better judgement and reason, I was still holding on. I didn’t know what we were anymore, but I knew what we weren’t – we definitely weren’t anywhere close to making it work. I liked him enough to hold on for about 5-6 weeks. I kept saying to myself that if I do happen to meet someone else then I would give that a shot, but in the meantime I wasn’t ready to let go of a guy I really liked. I tried to keep Gerald in the background and move on with my dating life, but I realised I liked him way too much to move on – and he couldn’t care less.

 After losing it one night and making myself seem like a needy, clingy teenage girl, driving him even further away, I decided it was time let it go. I didn’t do it to clear up things between us – it was crystal clear on his side of the planet. I did it so that I could move on. I decided to write a long text and tell him the truth – I didn’t mind waiting another month for him to come back, but we weren’t on the same page, and he was holding me back. He completely agreed of course. I eventually realised I did the right thing – a little bit too late. I knew I held onto too many things in my life for way longer than I should have – things that meant a lot to me and things that hurt me. There was no point in holding onto someone I barely knew, just to get hurt in the end. Admittedly, it did upset me a bit more than I thought it would have – but that’s what happens when a crush doesn’t work out.



 A couple of weeks after it all ended, I can’t help but wonder: did I really like Gerald that much or did I find comfort in the fact that it was so easy with him when he was here? Was I too scared to enter the dating world again after taking a break that I held onto the first guy I dated after Serge, so much, that I was willing to fight for him even when I knew there was no hope? I may never be able to answer that, but one thing is certain – whether I like it or not, it’s about time I get out of my comfort zone and start dating again!


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Getting Back Your Things After a Break-Up

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  It's all fun and games when a relationship is new and you are slowly trying to make your way in your guy's life... and his house. So leaving some stuff over at his place is always a good way to start (see Is an Honest Place Better Than  a  Great Place?). But what happens when the relationship is over and you don't only have a toothbrush and a hairdryer as break-up casualties, but a whole suitcase of clothes a box full of cosmetics? As playful and fun as it is making yourself at home at your new boyfriend's place, it's twice as painful and excruciating having to get your stuff back..

 Almost 5 months after my break-up with Serge, I was almost in peace with the idea of writing off my belongings as break-up casualties and calling it a day rather than going through the heart-wrenching task of having to walk back into a house that felt like home to me less than half a year ago to claim back my clothes. I figured that if I can go without them for almost half a year, I clearly don't need them. Unfortunately, in situations like this, it never helps to have a rational friend - Sarah insisted that this was an experience that I had to go through in order to close that chapter of my life and learn. I recall her saying over dinner on Thursday night "I want you to do this and I want to be the one to drive you there. Plus you have stuff worth over 500 pounds there!". When I realized there was no fighting her over this I gave Serge a quick call and arranged to drop by on Friday afternoon to finally pick up my boxes.

 Needless to say I barely slept the night before, but the real drama actually began when we were getting close to his neighborhood. I could feel my heart beating faster and my stomach in knots throughout the hour-long car drive to Serge's place. I was creating imaginary scenarios in my head about how I would face him. I felt resentment and anxiousness growing inside of me. I knew that there was only two ways this would go down - either I would see him and feel even more resentment for everything that he did to me or I would see him, in the same place that we spent our weekends together, and feel the heartache of the break up all over again. Either way, I knew that after leaving his place, the peace of mind that I had after not having talked to him for so long and letting time heal my wounds, would be long gone.



The more we drove through the old familiar roads and I started recognizing all the places that Serge and I used to go to - like the small Italian restaurant just around the corner from his - the more it hit me: everything looked the same and yet everything had changed... All the memories that came rushing back made my heart break a little more, but the whole area seemed like an abandoned battlefield. And I couldn't decide if it was a bittersweet feeling or if it was simply painful. Before I had time to decide we pulled into his driveway and Serge was letting us into the building .. that's probably when my breath was cut short and went into an auto-pilot mode.

 Sarah and I didn't spent more than 5 minutes in the flat. As soon as I entered a huge surge of emotions swept through me - and I had to keep it all bottled up until I got out of there, The light in his flat looked so different post-war. I was looking around in horror - every room was full of memories and it was too much to take in. I was hoping that I would resent everything around me but there was no hate, there was no anger - I just missed everything that flat represented and everything it had meant for me, My memories from that place were bittersweet, but for some reason, I could only see the good ones around me, I tried to concentrate on my breathing and the lump that had formed in my throat making it hard for me to swallow - warning me that I wouldn't be able to keep the tears from streaming down my face for much longer. I had to go up to the guest bedroom where the first box was full of my clothes. When I noticed a piece missing and asked where it was he went in his room looking for it. I recall him calling out to me that he couldn't find it and to go have a look. I looked at Sarah and shook my head in shock "I can't go in there" - if I had kept it together in every other room, getting into his bedroom would have been the final blow. The last thing I needed was to see the bed that I shared with him, knowing he shares it with someone else now. I decided I didn't care what was missing, I had to get out of there that instant. Sarah and I picked up a box each and started making our way out. I politely thanked Serge for keeping my stuff and while he was showing us out the door and saying goodbye I felt his hand on my back for a split second. And the world stopped spinning and I could feel the tears burning my eyes. I couldn't' turn to face him, rushed through the door that Sarah held open for me and said a quick goodbye on my way out. She called the lift, and as soon as I got in, I knelt on top of the box full of my failed-relationship leftovers and cried. I cried for the good times and I cried for the bad times - I cried for everything that was over, for the things that I lost and wanted back and for the things that hurt me. But most of all I cried for a piece of my heart that I left behind in that house when I closed the door behind me for the last time that I would never get back. And Sarah patiently caressed my hair while I was crying my eyes out -  first in the lift, then through the parking lot and finally on most of the car-ride home.



By now I know why I had to do this - I knew that was me closing that chapter for good. I don't know if my heart caught up with my brain yet, but I'll come to terms with it. There's nothing left unsaid, nothing to ponder upon. I now know that I can resent Serge from time to time all I want, but he would always have a piece of my heart. Even if two days later I still feel his hand around my back, making all the emotions surge through me again and bringing tears to my eyes, I know deep down that this is the end of an era. And after all, if after more than a year of being together, entering that house made me feel nothing, then it would have been a waste of a year. At least now I know that I don't regret anything.

Have you had a similar experience? How did you deal with claiming back all your belongings after a break-up? Comment and let me know!

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Cheating – The Other Side of the Coin

14:04 Unknown 2 Comments






  It took me quite a while to sit down and put this topic into words. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know how I felt about it, maybe it’s because I didn’t even want to admit it, but for whatever reason, this took place more than half a year ago, whilst I was still with Serge. Cheating has been one of the main themes of my blog the last few years. Every time I went over this topic, I was usually the ‘other woman’ – I was seeing a guy that already gad a girlfriend. So I wasn’t exactly on the receiving end of it. But as luck has it, there came a time when I was actually cheated on. And I decided that even though it’s a topic that really hurt me, it was about time to share with you and explain how being on the other side of the coin felt.

 Serge started cheating on me about mid-November and it went on until the beginning of this year. If I were honest, I probably could sense something was wrong straight away, but I only knew for sure he was cheating on me by mid-December. By the time I went away for a weekend trip to Italy with Serge, as my Christmas present to him, I was positive that he was seeing another woman at the same time. I always knew that I wasn’t what Serge was looking for, not in the long term at least, but I always believed that he would end things before moving on, instead of cheating on me. During those months, we were going through a rough patch and we also spent quite a while apart because of travelling. By the time Serge came back from a two-week holiday in November, I could sense that something had changed. In a way I felt us growing apart, but then again there were behaviours that threw me off and at the time, didn’t know how to interpret – he would hold me more, he’d spend more time cuddling and would pay a lot more attention to me. At first I was naïve and actually thought that he missed me – I thought to myself “what do you know, distance does make the heart grow fonder!” Now, months after everything ended, I couldn’t’ help but wonder – was I actually that naïve or did I secretly know that he overcompensated for something that he did wrong and was just trying to postpone my own heartache from finding out by turning a blind eye to the situation? Maybe I’ll never know the answer to that, but ignore it I did, until one evening when I couldn’t any longer. 



 After coming home from work, I saw a text from Serge saying “I’ll meet you outside Edgware Station at 8”. Before I had time to reply to the text, he called me and came up with a long story of meeting a friend that he hasn’t seen for months and then accidentally sending me the message. Two minutes into the call I knew he was lying right through his teeth – so I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Shamefully, I started keeping a closer eye and I’m embarrassed to admit, but I even looked through his phone. So I found out about Laura – as far as I could tell they were dating since mid- November and had met up quite a few times. I was quite sure he hadn’t brought her to his flat – my belongings were everywhere and I knew he never moved anything. Every time I came back everything was exactly where I left it. So for that I was positive. I never found out whether he went to her place or just met with her somewhere else – and by now I don’t even want to know. I know I’m at risk of sounding cheesy and completely predictable here, but if you want to know the truth about how it felt – it felt as if someone had pushed a dagger in my heart and knocked all of the oxygen out of my lungs. It was so overwhelming, that even now, if I close my eyes for a split second and remember everything, my breath is still cut short and I can still feel the pain.

 By this point you are probably wondering why I stayed with him for six more months, until he eventually broke up with me. There were actually a number of sad reasons to that. For one, I thought that he wanted to be with me. If he went through the trouble of hiding it from me, it meant that he didn’t want me to find out and leave him. And I tried to sneak it into the conversation many times and one way or the other asked him quite a few times whether he was cheating on me. I hate myself a little for writing this, but the reason I asked him every time wasn’t because I wanted to know the truth – I already knew it. I asked because I wanted him to lie about it. Every time he denied it, it was a confirmation that he didn’t want me to leave him – if he cared enough to lie about it, he cared enough to be with me so it gave me a reason not to leave him. That’s not the only reason – I was secretly hoping that it was a stupid fling and it would end, so I waited it out. And in a more twisted and masochistic way, I was actually punishing myself. I was seeing a guy that was cheating on his girlfriend with me for years – realistically, what did I expect to happen? It was karma – I was being punished for being the ‘other woman’ (see “Being theOther Woman” and “Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?”), and it felt horrible and heart breaking, but I felt like I deserved it. So I stayed and I let Serge cheat on me, because Matt cheated on his girlfriend with me and I deserved to know how that felt. Writing about this feels dumb and stupid, but I just thought that it was karma taking its course on me and I had it coming. But above all this, I stayed mostly because I was a fool in love who didn’t know better – and that’s the painful truth.



 After it all ended with it, he finally admitted to it. And what’s more than that, he told me that he cheated on me because he was looking for something more and “if it had worked out with her, I would have broken up with you”. So maybe I deserved it, because of what I did in the past, or maybe I didn’t, because if anything, I treated Serge right throughout our relationship. So whether it was karma or just sheer foolishness on my end for not confronting him and leaving him, I now know how it feels to be cheated on – and it’s soul-wrenching, heart-breaking and deeply traumatising.  By now I know that I will never tolerate cheating on me again – I’ve done it once, I punished myself for it and I won’t allow it again. But to this day, I still can’t help but wonder – “is the habit of being with someone stronger than the love you feel for them – so much that you can’t imagine being without them even when they humiliate you and make you feel insufficient by their side?” I guess the answer for me was yes back then, but not anymore. And that’s what it’s all about – making mistakes and learning from them.


Did you ever have a similar experience? Did you stay with a cheating boyfriend and why? Comment and let me know. 

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Dating Break

14:40 Unknown 0 Comments




 Getting out of a relationship and learning to live on your own and depend just on yourself is always hard and it definitely takes some getting used to. It is therefore unavoidable to think that you need to jump into a new relationship so that you avoid rocking the boat too much and continue living the way you have been used to - with someone by your  side.. But once the shock and grief are gone, you come to realise that living on your own and getting on with your life as an individual, as opposed to a couple, is actually quite refreshing and enjoyable. 

 As soon as I got out of my relationship with Serge (see The Heartbreak), I was in a hurry to start dating again. I was so used to being with someone, to spending a good 3 nights with someone by my side and plan every weekend with them, that I just didn't know how to do it on my own anymore. And I decided that I wouldn't have to - I would get into a new relationship ASAP and stop spending weekends on my own and waking up every Saturday morning lost. Of course my friends are always there, but it's not like I ever lost touch with them even when I was with Serge in the first place. So I jumped back into the dating game. I tried to date my rebound - and even though he was a nice guy, we are just two completely different people so that didn't work. And then I became a serial dater, dating a different guy every two days, a good few of them making it to second dates and only a handful to third dates. The same old boring routine of chit-chatting and getting to know each other over the same questions started: "Where are you from?", "What do you do?", "Do you have any siblings?", blah blah blah.. And then one Saturday morning, after yet another boring and unsurprising Friday night date, I woke up, glanced over at the empty side of the bed next to me and couldn't help but wonder: "Is the fear of waking up to this, day after day, enough to make me continue serial dating, when I just simply can't find the energy or will to do it anymore?"... and even worse: "will someone ever be good enough for a relationship?"



And then I decided right then and there that I just couldn't keep doing this anymore. Nothing was wrong with the guys and the dates weren't bad... I just couldn't do it anymore. I was in a relationship for more than a year and gave all I could to one person and I just didn't have anything more to give. It's not that the guys weren't good enough. I just didn't want to go through all that again... not yet anyway. It wasn't them, it was me. And not only did I not need to jump into another relationship, subconsciously I actually didn't even want to.Otherwise I would have stuck to dating a couple of the guys that were good enough and pursue it. I had to date me for a while. And I did just that. I came to terms with the fact that it's ok not to be in a relationship and I started enjoying it. I stopped feeling helpless when I didn't make my plans with anyone during the weekends and once I did that I realised that it was actually refreshing. I embraced being alone and did more things for myself and gradually I learnt how to live on my own again and make my own plans. And I don't need to date anyone... it's fine if I don't want to. 

Will this change? Probably yes, but maybe not for quite a while. I think I got to a point where, for the time being, I have nothing more to give to anyone. Maybe next time I should learn to keep a piece of me just for myself, so that I don't find myself in a situation where I have nothing left to go on with when it's over. But for now, I'm content with having learnt that it's fine not to want to date anyone and it's fine to want to just be by yourself... for as long as you want. Because at the end of the day, this is the most important relationship you will ever have. And who knows, maybe I will meet someone during this phase that will just swipe me off my feet and I will forget everything and fall in love all over again..
But I'd like to keep my feet firmly on the ground and reality has taught me that no one will come knocking on my door to do that. 

Did you ever find yourself in a situation where you simply just don't want to date anyone? How did you get back to dating after a relationship was over? Comment and let me know!

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Dating Advice To My Younger Self

09:00 Unknown 0 Comments



It is undeniable that we only learn from our mistakes. If you can’t say ‘been there, done that – never again!’, then you probably don’t know first hand what it feels like to make one mistake after the other and taking an oath never to do it again because it just hurts too much. But looking back at the countless failures and mistakes made through the years, I couldn’t help but wonder: How much do I know now that I didn’t know back then? And would it make a difference if someone had told me this before, or would I just go and make my own mistakes anyway?  Chances are, I would probably go ahead and make the same mistakes, just because I’m stubborn and never listen to anyone. But if I could actually talk to my younger self, then I would definitely have lots to tell me. And for those of you out there that wonder what we do wrong and what lessons we need to learn, here’s a list of the most important ones: 

1. More is Less – Stop overdressing and stop wearing three layers of make-up just to impress a guy. It just doesn’t work like that. The most beautiful look is the natural one. No one said go out in sweatpants, but keep your outfit simple and comfortable and your makeup natural. No guy ever said: “She looked amazing with three layers of foundation on!”. And if they did say that, trust me, it was no compliment!

 2.  Be Confident – The sexiest thing on a woman is confidence. Wear a smile instead of high heels and believe in yourself. Walk down the street and look straight ahead, not at your feet. Believe in your strengths and embrace your weaknesses. Have a positive outlook and killer attitude. Red lipstick won’t make up for it!
       
 3. You deserve more than you think you do – so many times I settled for less than I was worth, and I probably will do it a few more before I learn. We simply don’t think that we are worth a lot so we just settle for what we get. So many of us just settle and get comfortable in a less than ideal situation, just because we feel like there’s nothing better out there. Newsflash: there is! And you are worth it! (note: L’Oréal did not sponsor me for this!). If he made you cry, he’s not worth your tears – so get up and get out of there. You’ll find something better.

      
 4. If you fancy him, go get him – don’t play hard to get, it’s not attractive and it’s a waste of time and energy. If you like the guy, just tell him. The games are just tiring and pointless. Don’t be shy – just tell him. At the end of the day, if he doesn’t feel the same then you’d rather know sooner rather than later so you can move on. Afterall, nothing  ventured nothing gained!     
      
 5. If you are not a priority from the beginning, you will never be – I had to find this out in the very hard way. I stuck around Matt for years waiting for him his girlfriend and make me his priority (see Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?). And surprise surprise – it never happened! Don’t waste as many years as I did, life’s too short. Find someone who will make you their priority.

 6. A big age difference will catch up on you – It’s all fun and games dating older men – the charm, the experience, the life lessons. But it’s almost inevitable not to get attached (see How much difference does a 20-year age difference really make?). And more often than not, you two will have different goals and priorities in life – or the very least, different time spans. And you will get hurt.

 7. Trust your gut feeling – This is something we tend to ignore a lot of the time. The night before Serge broke up with me, I recall myself having a drink with Sarah and saying to her “I don’t know why but for some reason I feel something unsettling. Nothing happened, it’s just a gut feeling”. I almost immediately dismissed it and tried not to think about it. If your gut feeling tells you that something is wrong, then don’t waste any time dismissing it. Look into it – because almost certainly there is something wrong.
       
8. If he’s too good looking, he’s probably not good in bed - Admittedly this is a vain one. And it is not based on a deep philosophy or theory. It’s almost like an observation I made over the years. If they are too good looking, they never had to look for sex – it just always happened. So they tend to rely too much on their good looks and not skills. So more often than not, they are not the best lovers.
      
9. There’ no Prince Charming – And no he won’t come to rescue you on his white horse. Learn to rescue yourself! And I cannot emphasize this enough! Stop looking for the perfect guy, he doesn’t exist. And the sooner you realize this, the faster you can start looking for something real. Look for someone to love with all his flaws and imperfections. Find someone with all its negative traits and decide whether you can leave with them or not – that’s the real thing!

10. Don’t expect anyone to love you, if you don’t learn to love yourself first – if you are not happy in your own skin and you are not happy with yourself – why would anyone else be? If don’t love who you are, how do you expect anyone else to do it? No one will do it for you. Learn to love yourself, because that’s the most important relationship you will have for your whole life. All else will just fall into place.

There you have it – an honest conversation that I would have with the younger me, telling her all the lessons I have learnt and all the things she should know before she gets her heart broken over and over again – but she won’t listen to me, she’s too stubborn and she’ll go ahead and get hurt anyway.

What would you say to your younger self? What dating advice would you give to a younger version of you before you go ahead and get hurt? 

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Starting Over... Yet Again

05:47 Unknown 0 Comments



Break-ups are traumatic. They take everything you have, they take a piece of your heart and you are left back to square one. They leave you empty, broken-hearted and alone. But this is not a post to remind anyone how a break-up or a broken heart feels (that was the purpose of the last one, see TheHeartbreak). This article is to remind everyone that there is a way to move on. And hopefully through my experience some of you, feeling lost right now, may actually find their way around and start standing on their feet again.

 It took me about two weeks after my break-up to hit rock bottom. I felt sorry for myself, cried myself to sleep for nights on-end, felt lost and alone and I was convinced that there was no way out of it. I knew that after everything that happened, I had hit rock bottom. And when that happens, there is nowhere to go but up. So I woke up one morning and made a decision: I could either stay in that state and feel sorry for myself, lock myself in that mindset and be miserable, or I could make a conscious decision to be happy. It was around that time that I realized how much happiness is actually a conscious decision. Tough times are going to come, for everyone. But you can either put your pieces slowly back together and try to move on or you can just stay there. It was only then that I realized how you can change your put of view on things, just by wanting to.


Pampering Yourself
 So I decided to take it day by day. I woke up every morning and started being positive. I made a conscious effort to smile more. I made a conscious effort to talk to the people around me more and try and stop alienating myself from everyone and everything. And then I started treating myself right, slowly but surely. I joined the gym again and took out all my frustration and anger every afternoon there. And it worked miracles! I started eating more healthily and tried to drink and smoke less. And then I started throwing money at myself. I went shopping and bought new clothes, I moved houses and booked the most expensive facial at the best beauty salon. I was essentially pampering a damaged ego and the more money I threw at it, the more validating it felt. And it worked! Needless to say I was left penniless last month, but it worked.


Loving yourself
 And whilst taking care of the outside was enjoyable, I knew I needed to take care of the inside as well. That’s when I made effort to come to peace with myself. I gradually realized that I spent a good amount of time loving and caring for someone that didn’t do the same in return. So it was about to time I loved me and cared for me. I didn’t regret anything, but realized that I can’t blame myself for everything. Instead, I felt proud of myself. I knew I was honest and did the best I could in a relationship that just didn’t work out. And I had to stop blaming myself for the fact that it didn’t work out. And then I let of all the resentment and anger towards my ex go. Holding onto harsh feelings would have hurt no one but me. I stopped wishing him a life on unhappiness and misery. I have better things to occupy my mind with – like how to succeed in everything I want. I started yoga again and it helped me calm down and be more positive. And day by day it got easier and easier. And I have to put less and less effort these days.

Rebounding
 Naturally, I also had the cliché reaction to a break-up: I rebounded. I briefly dated a guy I met online for a while. We had a nice time, but I’m in no state to take anything seriously or invest in anyone but myself. But hot revenge sex always works… at least for a little while.

And with a couple weeks’ progress and boosted ego I pushed my boundaries and decided to invite my ex out for drinks. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea I ever had, but it made me realize that I owned my break-up and showed me that I did everything right. It might have set me a couple of steps back and poured salt on some fresh wounds, but it was worth it.


Don’t get me wrong, none of this works like a magic wand. It takes effort and there will be a lot of going back and forth in your head. Give it time and effort though, and it will work slowly but gradually. It doesn’t heal you forever. It is my personal belief that a break-up wound always remains open, but with time and effort you numb it and learn to live with what’s left of you. Six weeks later, it still takes effort, but not as much anymore. In a way it comes naturally. As soon as I realized that my happiness was my decision, I knew I had to take it. And now I’m in a new flat, following a new diet (most days) and having a new mind set (almost every day). I will still cry myself to sleep some nights and feel my bed empty, but they are fewer and fewer. And it is only natural. I started embracing it now. It is only natural to grieve after a break-up. But there is nothing to hold you back from moving on besides yourself!

Have you been through a traumatic break-up? How did you move on? 

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The Heartbreak

14:07 Unknown 1 Comments



I usually aim at writing every post with something new that I learnt after every dating experience. However, I want to make this article slightly different – this one is for everyone out there that had their hearts broken recently and can’t shake the one thought that torments them every waking moment: “I feel so alone… I’m going through this alone”. You are not – so many of us are going or have gone through it, and know exactly how it feels. And hopefully this post will make some difference – it won’t saw the pieces of your heart back together and it won’t bring him back – but maybe, just maybe, you’ll realise that you are not going through this alone. So maybe for tonight, it might ease the pain a bit.

 Serge decided to break-up with me on a Friday afternoon. I went to his place after work, to spend the weekend at his place, like every weekend. He had been thinking about it all week, so the minute I got in, he made some small talk with me and then said in a serious tone “We need to talk”. I knew right there and then what was coming. My break up with Serge was a sudden but expected one – we are two people at two very different stages of our lives (see How much difference doesa 20 year age difference really make?). Needless to say that the rest 3 days are a blur in my head due to the massive influx of emotions that overwhelmed me – and due to the immense quantity of alcohol I consumed. If it was coming out of a cheesy chick flick, at that moment I would say that I literally heard my heart cracking. But it’s not true. I once read that a heartbreak wasn’t after a cheesy break-up story – but after a biological phenomenon. Your body mimics the symptoms of a heart attack – hence the name. So all I remember is a loud ringing in my ears, shortness of breath and a feeling of not being able to move. I wish I could say that I cried and shouted and did everything that you would think would happen in a movie break up. But I didn’t. I was too much in shock to even process the thought. So before it all hit me (I knew it would, eventually), I decided to pick up my things and head out. I vaguely recall him telling me that I had my things in his bedroom and me replying that I was in no state to pick up anything. So I left.

 That night I naturally decided to get drunk. What I remember is a haze of tears, anger, feeling of betrayal, and denial.  I spent hours staring at a blank wall, lost in my thoughts, or crying with every little detail. I’m not sure how much I cried or for what, but I remember feeling that I would never be able to get over that. My emotions were bigger than me – they were bigger than my will to fight for anything and they were bigger than my inner strength. I felt like I lost the ground beneath my feet. The most intense feeling that I remember feeling is that of not belonging anywhere – not belonging in my best friend’s arms, who was desperately trying to console me, not belonging with anyone around me besides him, not belonging in my friend’s bed who kindly shared with me and held me until I felt asleep. It was a constant feeling of not being supposed to be anywhere but with him.



 The first couple of nights I woke up in the middle of the night at least 5 times looking for him, realizing that he’s not there and breaking into tears until I was so exhausted that I had to go back to sleep. I hated waking up – and I know that’s the hardest part for everyone – because it felt like a slap all over again. It all came rushing back to me and once again I felt overwhelmed – it was the realisation that it wasn’t a dream, it was all real! It was easy and peaceful being blissfully asleep, but then I woke up and had to deal with it all over again, like it was the first time. You somehow drag yourself during the days and settle in your feeling of misery, but you absolutely dread the minute you are going to sleep, because you hate waking up and feeling everything all over again.

 I’m not going to lie and say I was the bigger person and didn’t call him – I did. I called and cried and screamed and asked him to reconsider. I insulted him when he didn’t and we spoke for hours that got us nowhere. Looking back would I have called him again? Probably - I needed to get off my chest all the things that I couldn’t when he broke up with me. I used to cry with every little thing that reminded me of him – and it was everything! The breakfast we shared on Saturday mornings, the TV shows that we both enjoyed watching, the lazy Sundays that we spent, and so on. So it’s like your heart breaks over and over again just by getting through the day. You expect to see them somewhere, you expect your phone to ring – you run to it every time it rings and get pissed off that it’s not him. The first few days following a break-up, every breath you take makes your whole body ache… but you are not alone, and you are not the only one going through it.

The person that actually helped in easing the intense feeling of loneliness is Eva, a colleague of mine, who had been through this before and knew exactly how it felt even before I said anything. A couple of weeks later, at a house party, I happened to meet an 18-year old boy who was going through his first break-up. I knew how it felt and I knew what would help – so I opened up to him. I hated making myself say everything all over again, I hated making myself feel it all over again. But I knew what would help, and if it was going to help him even for one hour, I was more than willing. So I talked to him, and told him everything he was feeling before he even said it himself. And to my surprise he teared up and hugged me, and I knew that it was all worth it.

So you are not alone. I know how it feels – and it’s not exactly the same for everyone, but it’s along the same lines. This article is not meant to show how I started getting over it and what helped – I will do this in the next one – this one is to let every broken hearted person out there know that they are not alone. And this helps. At least a little, tiny bit.


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