After numerous posts I decided it’s about time I tell you a little bit about myself: I can be a little bit selfish, I’m impatient and I need to always be right, I push people to bring out the best in them, I push myself and I’m a perfectionist: if I’m going to do something I’ll do it right or not at all. So having said all that about me, I wouldn't change myself to be with anyone, even if I only pointed the negative aspects of my character (I do have good qualities as well, but if I wrote them down now it would seem like I’m bragging!). But what about the times that we actually change to make someone love us or stay with us without even realizing it? What happens when we lose ourselves just to keep someone with us?

  For the sake of this article, the most suited relationship example I have to give is my ‘relationship’ with Nick. I talked about Nick in another post as well (you can read about it on "Can you fall in love with two people at the same time?") , but I think it’s about time to give you some more details on it… As you know my relationship with Nick was kind of an ‘on-and-off affair’ and the only reason I didn't put an end to it sooner is because I was madly in love with him. But I never realized how much I was caught up in the relationship until the very end. I always felt like Nick had some kind of power over me (I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the only way I can describe it). I am usually talkative and sarcastic and make jokes about everything, I laugh a lot and if you know me you’ll know I’ll never run out of things to say. But when it came to Nick, I felt powerless. Every time I found myself with him, I would be acting like a good student under a strict teacher… which is ridiculous! Yes we talked, but I was never quite myself… and that’s the least of it. Every time Nick called, I would make myself available to him, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I would just give up everything to meet up with him. When he was mad, he would shout at me and we would have a fight… usually I would end up in tears and nodding in agreement to what he was saying. Again, if you know me you should know that I almost never cry, let alone in front of others. I would never contradict him, whatever he said, I would think it was right.

  One day I recall him telling me that what we had wouldn't last and he wanted to end it. For the first time in my life, I actually begged him to stay with me, but he didn't  Two months later he came back to me, and I welcomed him back in my life as if nothing ever happened. Having said all that, for me to be so compromising and willing to do anything for him, you would think that I must have been having a hell of a time when I was with him… wrong again. I remember myself mostly miserable during my relationship with Nick and not happy. I would either feel guilty that I was with him, or neglected by him most of the time. He did care about me, but he had a weird way of showing it. He loved me, but he would never say it. Of course you would think that if someone loves you, they don’t have to say it all the time… and you are right. But sometimes, a girl actually needs to hear these 3 little words, out loud! Nick was distant… and yet so close. I must sound completely out of my mind right now, and truth is, I was! It’s so hard putting it down in words, but if you have lived through something similar you should know how hard it is to actually explain it. Every time Nick did something bad and I would just accept it and patiently wait for him I felt my mind screaming at me “Come on! What are you doing?” But apparently my heart had a different opinion…

  After almost two and a half years of torture with Nick, I still hadn't learnt my lesson. So finally, when he pulled one of his “This isn't going anywhere, we have to end it” situations and I still waited for months for him to come back, when he didn't I thought it was finally all over. I was broken hearted, but I wanted to respect him. He had chosen this and if he was happy, I wouldn't try to get back into his life again. One night though, more than five months later, Nick called me and said he missed me and straight away, without even thinking, I said I missed him too and I wanted to see him. Just when I was starting to move on, Nick had dragged me back into that mess again, and I found myself crying in my bathroom, but still not having the courage (or the will for that matter) to tell him that I couldn't see him. When I couldn't do it, it was time for an intervention… My best friend, Kate, even though opposing my whole affair with Nick from the very beginning, after she found me crying in my bathroom like a helpless dog calmly told me: “I’m not going to tell you not to go back to him again, that never worked in the past and it won’t work now either. But take a step back and look at yourself and what he did to you”. And that was it. I suddenly realized it; I had lost myself in my desperate effort to keep Nick next to me. I had lost control over my feelings, and apparently over my actions as well. Having lost control, I did the only thing I could to get it back… I let Nick go. It took me three years, countless desperate efforts from my best friend, and a hard slap from reality after seeing my bloodshot eyes in the mirror to realize that I wasn't me anymore… I remember thinking to myself “If I had met me know I wouldn't recognize me”. That wasn't me, that wasn't who I was and who I was supposed to be. I turned into a pathetic little person… and for what? To make someone love me, someone that I couldn't be with to begin with.  Maybe I needed to lose myself to finally realize who I am and at the end to find out just how much am I really prepared to give up to be with someone. Maybe we all need to lose ourselves, to hit rock bottom in order to find our way back to the top and be ourselves again.

   After a few months I started feeling like myself again, but from time to time, I still wonder: does our mind automatically change our behavior in order to accommodate that huge influx of feelings that come with falling madly in love? Is it all a manifestation of our body to shelter us from the pain that is about to come once we show the true side of our character? Maybe if I had shown my true character to Nick he wouldn't have stayed with me that long. He knew I would be there and so he kept coming back… I was a safe bet. But is that really what I want to be? Every girl deserves someone that will love her for who she is; that is not to say we shouldn't compromise. Because just like we expect someone to accept us with all our flaws, we should be prepared to accept someone else’s flaws as well. But compromising means meeting somewhere in the middle and feeling comfortable.  After thinking it over, I realized that it’s ok to change when you are with someone… but it’s not ok to change for someone. Some people bring out the best in ourselves and make us see our flaws clearly, flaws which we could potentially correct, and that would be great. But we should change as long as we are comfortable with it; as long as we feel that we are becoming the better person that we can become… Because if you think about it, relationships are great, glamorous and fun, but the most important relationship you will ever have, the most amazing and challenging one is the one you have with yourself… and if you can find someone that will meet you somewhere in between, well that’s just beautiful!

Have you ever had a similar experience? Maybe you would be able to put it down in words better than I could. Comment and let me know how you lost yourself and what did you do to get back control? 

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   Friend, boyfriend, fuck buddy, husband, partner… Friend, girlfriend, mistress, wife…. Why do we always need to use the labels? This is my first post that I don’t tell a story about myself, but instead about my friend Vivi and her experience with someone. Maybe I sound too self-centered, so I realized it’s about time I give other peoples' experiences as well!! Yesterday, while we were out shopping in London and stopped for a nice Mcflurry, Vivi decided it was about time to tell me her concerns over a guy she’s seeing, which brought up a lot of questions in my mind, which I naturally decided to share with you.

   At the beginning of this year Vivi was going out with a guy named Dan. Their relationship was short and brief and never clear how it ended. The closest thing she could come to a conclusion was that he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Months after that ended, she met a really nice guy called Ed. Since she met Ed I remember her being quite happier and smiling more often, but when she talks about him she always says ‘we are just friends’.  When I saw them together  a couple of times, they were being really flirty with each other (I didn't stalk them, I just bumped into them! I always need material for my blog, but I wouldn't go that far… hopefully!), but she always kept saying that nothing was going on and they were just friends. That was until one day, she came up to me while I was in the library revising (no way to get out of exams!) and she told me that she spent the night at his place. I knew there was something more to it than ‘just friends’, but she seemed quite skeptical about it. “We had a really nice time, he cooked for me and he makes me laugh… .we made out and then fell asleep together, but I don’t want to have sex with him or be in a relationship with him”. She kept saying that nothing more was going to happen and that he was great and made her laugh but they should just be friends. I didn't want to contradict her then because I knew the subject would make her uncomfortable and waited until she came to talk to me about it.

   So yesterday, somewhere between Urban Outfitters and Topshop she turned and told me “I still spend a lot of time with him, I miss him when I don’t see him for a few days and we talk every day, but  I don’t know what’s going on”. Naturally I asked her what she wanted from him and she frowned for a minute until she said “Well, I know I don’t want a relationship with him, or to have sex, but  I like him,  I like to hang out with him and I like to make out with him sometimes and sleep together… I don’t know what this is! I have to figure out if I want him as a friend or a boyfriend”.  Now it was my turn to frown and ask her “Why? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t you have fun the way you and him want to?” , to which she answered “Well, I don’t know what to tell people, are we friends or are we a couple?” By that point I was in deep thought and I pointed out that none of it matters, it doesn't matter what she will tell people, they can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I remember her saying “Deep inside we all care what other people think, even if we pretend not to” … I had to admit she was right. So I gave her the best advice I could “Do whatever you want, tell people you are just friends. Whatever you do in the privacy of your house is your own business”. Just when I thought the conversation was over and I had solved the problem (maybe I shouldn't think too much of myself!) she turned and said “But I don’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t know what we are, we are not just friends, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, we are not fuck buddies… we are just something!” That was when I started thinking about labels.

  As much as I would like to think so, it’s not just Vivi that wants labels, it’s most of us. If we don’t know what’s going on with the guy, if we can’t point our finger and name it, then suddenly we get uncomfortable. What will everyone else think? What are we doing?  Truth is, most of the time we don’t have everything clear in our minds; if we are not somewhere between dating and a relationship, then we are somewhere between friends and fuck buddies, and if we are not somewhere between couple and friends, we are somewhere between a relationship and a break up…. Why does it always have to be something?

  We girls are, by nature, perfectionists. We need to be able to define and explain everything perfectly, so it is only natural that when it comes to relationships we want the same thing. But after my afternoon of shopping with Vivi, I couldn't help but wonder: Why do we need labels to make it work? Why can’t we just go with the flow? Maybe, labels, just like in fashion, make us ‘wear’ it comfortably and with confidence, enabling us to show it off and share it with the world. Boyfriend, friend, fuck buddy, lover, husband… maybe it’s like Prada, Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and so on. Maybe it’s because of the way we grew up, in a society that judges everything, we need to be able to explain ourselves to anyone that asks for an explanation.  Later on, after contemplating on the subject for a few hours, I got a text from Vivi saying “I just realized, that’s exactly what I did wrong with Dan. I tried to put a label on him (boyfriend) that he wasn't ready for. That’s why it ended so soon!” and I had to admit, she was right! Dan ran off because Vivi wanted to jump into something that he wasn't ready for. I guess labels aren't always good after all. If Vivi had gone with the flow back then, maybe she would have hit it off with Dan, but we’ll never know.

   So my advice to all of you out there that are somewhere between relationships, dating, friends, fuck buddies and so on, is: if you are enjoying what you are doing, then just go with the flow. Don’t be in hurry to put a label on it; that will come on its own. Right now, there might not be a label for it; it might as well just be… something, or anything. Eventually all the pieces will fall into place... Until then, laugh at the confusion and live for the moment.The important thing is if you are enjoying it, then that’s all that matters. And when it comes to what others think… well, the less they know the better!

By the way, please send me your stories to get inspired from and I will create posts from your stories as well, with conclusions and advises (if I can find any!). You can contact me at livefornow1992@gmail.com

Comment and tell me if you are experiencing something similar, and how much you like labels! 

  “Can it be just sex?”: The eternal question that tortures every single woman who wants to have some fun but not get emotionally involved with anyone. If you had asked me 3 years ago I would have answered in a split second, without even thinking about it “of course it can be just sex, you don’t need to get emotionally involved!” Well, three years later I have to admit, with great regret, that I might not have been right.  I have been trying to solve this great mystery with friends and it seems that everyone’s opinion varies on the subject. So I decided that maybe I should give my experience on this topic and try to draw some conclusions out of it.

  

  His name was Mat, and I have known him for years, but I was never actually friends with him. I always thought that he seemed like a nice guy, a good laugh, but never actually thought more of him.  He was the first to approach me, first as a friend and then flirting subtly with me. I had to give it to him; this guy was smart. He knew how to play the game without making too obvious what he was after. He was really nice, he would talk to me quite often (but not all the time, so he gave me some breathing space as well!) and most of all he made me laugh. Unfortunately at the time, I was not looking for a relationship, and little did I know that neither was he.  Yes, I did reciprocate the flirting, but when we went out a few times, I kept some safe distance, just to make it clear that I wasn't up for dating.

  When a few months had passed by, it was time to have a serious conversation with Mat. I got ready to turn him down nicely (and let’s just say a little part of me took pleasure in it, it gave me that feeling of having someone chase after me… I know what you are thinking, and yes I’m embarrassed!). Imagine my surprise when Matt looked at me with a smile and said “I don’t want a relationship either!” I felt humiliated and embarrassed for my overconfidence and arrogance! But to my great surprise he added: “What do you say to just having some fun?” and winked. No one had ever asked me that before, but I always believed that casual sex was no big deal. And I was right, for the next two years it wasn't.  Matt and I had a great time together. We would meet up whenever someone was available, no commitment, we could date other people if we wanted to, if we had to cancel then no one would moan over it or complain, and the sex… oh the sex was just great! With no feelings there were no insecurities and with no insecurities… everything was possible! I wouldn't care if I looked good doing this or that, or if I was perfectly waxed, if I had enough make up on and so on and so forth. I would just go there and it would be great every time! I had no insecurities about trying anything new and I would just be myself, both in the bedroom (or kitchen, office, car, couch, etc ) and outside of it! And when we weren’t having sex, we would be having a good laugh over a glass of wine and a nice pleasant conversation. Being with him was just easy and fun, and I never questioned wanting anything more from him… until I came to London. Imagine how difficult it is to stay in a long distance relationship for years… almost impossible. Now you would think since two people in love couldn’t manage to save their relationship from the distance, what chance did we stand to save our ‘relationship’? So naturally, when I came to London I thought it was all over, and I thought that the past two years were great, a lot of fun, but that it's time to move on. I wished Matt all the best, told him we’ll talk and catch up every now and then and that was it. Well, little did I know, that my story with Matt did not come to an end there, but it was just the beginning of a very messed up situation.

  

  As I spent a few months in London, I realized that I started to miss Matt and even though we would talk every now and then, I wanted to see him. Apparently Matt was thinking the same thing because as soon as I went back for Christmas, Matt wanted to see me. And this time it wasn't the usual ‘just sex and a nice conversation’ routine, but there was something I never experienced with Matt before: romance! He poured me a glass of wine, lit the candles and held me close to him for hours before making love to me. I never used that word before to describe having sex with Matt, but apparently while I was away something had changed. Not to mentioned he said he missed me more than 10 times. I couldn't believe it… Had the distance made me fall in love with Matt, or have I been in love with him all along and just didn't realize it because he was so available to me? After that night we both realized that whatever it was we were doing had gotten out of control, and we both independently but simultaneously decided to keep some distance from each other. After a few months have passed by, I came to realize that I still care about Matt, and that every time I go back home I’m going to want to see him, and I wish him all the best. We both started dating other people after that, and even though we do keep in touch we know that a relationship between me and him would never work out. We are just way too different to be compatible.

  After my experience with Matt it seemed that my beliefs had been shaken to the core and that I had to rethink the whole ‘sex without emotion’ situation. It is in fact, scientifically proven that while making love women excrete a hormone that makes them fall in love with the man. So could it be, that we are in fact, by nature, programmed to not be able to have casual sex? And if so, if we are later meant to fall for each guy that we sleep with, why does casual sex feel so good? And to make it clear, I am not talking about one night stands; one night stands are a different situation. When I say casual sex, I refer to having a fuck buddy. So can we date our fuck buddy? And if we can’t, just like I can’t date Matt, why does the sex with someone that we are not meant to be with, feel so good?

  I had this conversation over and over again with many friends. I recall Sandra one day telling me over coffee “I never had a fuck buddy, but I don’t think that it is impossible to have sex without falling in love! I guess it depends on each person”. When I asked Javier he took one look at me and said “I never fell in love with anyone that I had casual sex with. It’s perfectly possible! And might I add, amazing!” If my friends are right, why did I fall in love with my fuck buddy? Finally I had to talk to Vivi to get an answer that would contradict them. “Well I could never have casual sex. I have to be in love with someone to have good sex, otherwise I won’t do it at all” she said one day somewhere between revising and falling asleep on some past papers. After a mixture of opinions I couldn't help but wonder: “What does it take to have casual sex with someone? And is there a thin line that separates casual sex and making love with someone? Had my almost three year sex relationship with Matt stepped well over that line, or was it all about timing? Maybe if you are sleeping with someone for that long, you are meant to develop some feelings for them at some point and maybe casual sex, just like milk, has an expiration date.

  So for all of you out there, who are having casual sex and enjoying the hell out of it (I know, it’s great!) take some caution and think about the person you are sleeping with. If you had to leave them right now, how much would you miss them? Because ladies, speaking from experience those feelings don’t warn you before showing up; and you will realize you have them when it’s too late to do anything about it!

 Let me know if any of you had any similar experiences with casual sex? Could you keep it just casual or did you fall for that person? Comment and let me know! 

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 What happens when you meet a guy and he seems like he has it all? He’s gorgeous, clever, attentive and interesting! You think you have it all! You meet this guy and he is drop dead gorgeous, you get lucky and go on a date with him, maybe a second one if you are extremely lucky and then you realize not only this guy is hot, he has a great character as well…… Ding Ding Ding! You just hit the jackpot! …. Hmmm? Maybe too soon? Well this is my story with Chris. One of my readers asked me to write a post about getting excited with a guy too soon and Chris fits the purpose of this topic perfectly!

  

 I met Chris one day, first thing in the morning when I woke up! I found him in my corridor trying to fix something in the house. You can imagine my surprise when, on my way to the bathroom, somewhere between yawning and trying to keep my eyes open, I found someone in the corridor that looks like Leonardo Dicaprio. I froze (and mid-yawn might I add! Not very attractive!). I completely forgot we had someone coming that morning and my flatmate had let him in apparently. By the time he said ‘Goodmorning’ I realized my mouth was still hanging open! As you realize there was no way I would let that guy out of my house without at least exchanging phone numbers, so after I washed my face, brushed my teeth and put on some proper clothes (I was wearing teddy bear Pjs!) I offered him a cup of coffee and started chatting him up. We exchanged phone numbers and five days later we were on our first date.  He came and picked me up with his car and we drove around, he showed me around the area and we ended up somewhere in Greenwich for a beer. I couldn't believe it, he was great! He was intelligent, well-educated, slightly older (28), had a lot of great stories to tell and so on and so forth. Ok I will say one flaw that I saw from the very first moment (even though I wanted to think of him as perfect then!) : he was full of himself. But at the moment I thought everyone has flaws, being overconfident it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Well, it turns out it was in this case, so keep reading!

  By the end of the night, I was sure I had a crush! I couldn't remember when the last time I had a crush was; I was probably 12, and even then it was the cliché crush on a high-school teacher, which I soon grew out of and was too embarrassed about it to admit it to anyone! It was  like I was 12 again, I had butterflies in my stomach and I was smiling like an idiot to myself the whole night before I went to bed, not to mention thinking about him until I fell asleep! Even though I had the crush of a 12-year old, I knew better than to text him the next day or the day after, I waited the well-known-by now 48-hour rule, and then when I was contemplating whether to text him or not, my crush texted me! We started talking, and there's no need to mention I was smiling at my phone the entire time and I swear my heart skipped a bit every time I received a text from him! Well, before I knew it we were on a second and third date, and it was all going great; I was getting an adrenaline rush every time I saw him and I felt like flying every time he texted me. Well… this was soon to change!

  One night while my crush and I were having a glass of wine at my place (and I was thinking this is the night!! Wink, wink) we were talking about a new bar that he went to, the week before, when his sentence suddenly begun with “Gloria was with me and she liked it too”.  I took a moment to think about who Gloria was; I don’t think he ever mentioned her before, and he had mentioned most of his family members and friends in London. So of course I looked at him skeptically and said with great hesitation “Gloria…?”. By that moment I hoped she would turn out to be his long-lost sister that he just found out about and took her out for a drink to get to know each other! And then, as if talking about the weather, he calmly answered: “Yes, I was on a date”. I couldn't believe what my crush was saying; I was crashed! When my mouth dropped open he smiled cheekily and said “Well baby, I don’t think we ever said this was exclusive”. While for me the idea of dating someone else while I was with him felt like trying to breath under deep water, for Chris it seemed perfectly normal! That was it, even though my crush had crashed me, he had also slapped me back to reality. I got up, gathered myself and calmly but sternly told him “I appreciate your honesty, but please get up from my couch and get the fuck out of my house”; and then of course I smiled, I had to play it perfectly! He looked at me in shock; I don’t think any woman has kicked his pretty face out of the house before, but I wasn't going to take it!

  

  Well, after Chris left, I told my story to my friends who gave me a mixture of reactions. A couple of them burst out laughing at what had happened (which I had to admit was funny!) but the rest were in shock. Javier, always calm and collected shrugged and said “Well it’s a good thing you kicked him out” But then laughed and said “Well he has the looks to pull off that attitude!” I must say Javier left me wondering: “Do we get excited too soon with first dates because the guys know exactly what to say to make us fall for their bullshit? And if so, if we act like teenagers and have crushes every now and then, how careful should we be before we actually consider seriously dating someone?... How well do we ever know the men we go out with?” I couldn't have known that Chris was going to turn out to be a playboy, or I wouldn't go out with him, and I’m sure many of you found out things about your crushes that made you regret going out with them. When is it too soon to get excited? And of course, what are the deal breakers? For me dating multiple women at once definitely was a deal breaker! I never stopped to think twice about kicking his gorgeous green eyes out of my house. I knew that respect was something that I expected, and neither his pretty face, firm ass nor green eyes could buy it off!

So ladies, it’s healthy to have a crush every now and then, to have butterflies in your stomach, to have your heart skip a bit, but try not to get excited too soon, because speaking from experience… if he seems too good to be true, he probably is!!

 Comment and tell me your experiences and if you ever had a crush that ended badly! Also, did anyone of you find that Mr. Perfect that has it all? I’m actually really curious! Don't forget to like my facebook page and tell me what you think: https://www.facebook.com/newcitygirlondating?ref=ts&fref=ts