Falling For Someone ... How It Really Feels
Maybe this will sound a little silly because everyone has
their own different way of dealing with this situation. But what happens when
falling for someone is an almost foreign concept to you, catches you by
surprise and ultimately, scares the hell out of you? If you happen to be like
me, you probably find it almost impossible to even genuinely like a guy, let
alone fall in love with them. But sometimes, once in a blue moon, a guy comes
along, changes the way we feel and puts our cynical perspective to shame.
In my life, I have
probably been in love twice; the first was with Nick (see Do we need to changeto be in a relationship?), but I was so young and it was such a complicated
situation; it doesn’t even count for me. The second one, and most recent one is
with Mat (see Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you? and Just sex... orsomething more?). But falling for Mat wasn’t a typical dating story, where you
start falling for someone gradually and you see it coming. Having sex with no
feelings for more than a year with Mat, it was only natural that even when I
developed feelings I didn’t realize it until it was too late. It wasn’t until
almost two years later, when Sarah brought it to my attention and said “you are
in love with him”, that I realized I had actually fallen for him. So naturally,
being with someone for a while and falling in love gradually with him... is a
concept foreign to me; one that I wouldn’t be able to recognize even if it
slapped me in the face.
I’ve been dating
Serge (see Are we exclusive ... yet?) for a little longer than three months
now. I had forgotten how pleasant it feels to actually be with someone that is
easy going and makes you enjoy spending time with them. With Mat, most of the
time we would either be fighting, having sex or just trying to avoid the
‘elephant in the room’ and talk about irrelevant topics, which was, frankly,
just exhausting. To make a short story long, it wasn’t long ago when I started
feeling like I actually missed Serge when we weren’t together and started being
restless and impatient until the next time we met. But when you are busy,
especially in the middle of an exam season, such thoughts might occur every now
and then. but you never pay much attention; so mostly I used to shelve it at
the back of my mind and just get busy with studying. Today, however, was
different. With revision taking up all of my days, the only way I could spend
some time with Serge and still get some work done was to spend the day at his
place, studying. All was good, he was working and I was getting quite a lot of
work done as well, until I started feeling my hands getting sweating. About
half an hour later, I got an unsettling feeling and couldn’t keep myself
concentrated more than five minutes. For some inexplicable reason I felt an
urge to get up, get my things and make a run for it. I had no idea what made me
feel so anxious and I didn’t know how to keep this overwhelming feeling under
control. I woke up and started pacing around the house, trying to think and
then ... it hit me. I was shelving away all those thoughts the past few weeks,
when really what I should have realized was that I was falling for him. And
that’s the least of it; as soon as I realized what I was feeling I freaked out
and got scared. The urge to run away was becoming more and more appealing and
my hands kept shaking and sweating. For a split second, I thought about telling
him; I have the worst timing possible anyway and I just needed to get it off my
chest. But then again, how do you say this: “sorry to disturb you while you are
working, but I think I’m falling in love with you. Now if you will excuse me I
need to throw up and then make a run for it”. Writing this down now just makes
me laugh, but a few hours ago it seemed like the most viable solution. I knew
that if I opened my mouth to say anything at that point those would have been
the exact words, so I did my best to stay silent.
Not knowing what to
do or how to deal with it, I decided to turn to a friend for some advice. I
called Sarah while she was at work, made her go out of the office and told her
exactly what had happened. When I said I was planning on telling him she tried
to bring me back to my senses: “you do this every time. As if it’s not enough
that you have the worst possible timing in everything, you just run from
everything that could potentially make you happy”. After lecturing me for ten
minutes about making bad choices, she decided (and I agreed with her) that the
best thing to do was to enjoy this feeling, even if it’s scary as hell, calm
down and not say anything until the right time comes. After we hung up, I was
much calmer and realized that my solutions were neither feasible (without seem
like a psycho) nor well-timed. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling; let alone
saying it out loud. First, I would need to take some time to think about it and
figure out what I actually feel and what I want. But even when (and if) I
decide to finally tell him, there’s more to consider than just myself. With an
almost 20-year age difference, two failed marriages and fifteen years more
dating experience than me, I couldn’t help but wonder: will he think of me as
young and naive for falling for him so soon?... or worse, what if we are not on
the same page anymore? And if we are perfectly fine and I’m more than happy
with where we are now, why would I want to change that? I don’t want anything
to change after saying this to him, I’m perfectly happy with everything as it
is.... So why can’t I get this off my mind? Why does it feel like I need to
face my fear, go out there and tell him ‘I’m falling in love with you’, even if
nothing will change?
Even though every
time I opened my mouth I was scared it would come out, I managed to avoid the
potential humiliation of saying it out loud and finally made my way back home.
When I told the whole story to Kate, she said to me “I’m not surprised, I saw
it coming”.... well why the hell didn’t you say something before?! She then
added “It’s only a big deal if you make it seem like a big deal. Just tell him
casually, no grand gestures needed”. And she is right; I would never do it over
a candle lit dinner .... I would probably say it at the worst possible timing
when I’m ready, but at least I know it’s honest. And maybe I’ll give myself
some time and swallow the urge to say it every time I see him; afterall he
might not feel the same yet, and it’s only natural. I’d rather wait rather than
make myself seem vulnerable and needy.
And even if it doesn’t turn out in the best way possible, I would know
that I fell for someone that makes me want to learn, teaches me new things,
gives me the best orgasms of my life and makes me think twice; and that’s
probably worth my while.
Have you been in the same situation? How did you manage to
tell the other person that you were in love? How did it turn out? Comment and
let me know.
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