Where does the love go?
I never stopped asking myself: ‘What happens
after we break up?’ It seems somehow irrational because the logical answer
would be ‘you move on and find someone else to love’… But can we love everyone
the same? To put it differently… Can you
love your next boyfriend the same way you love(d) your ex? And this raises an
even bigger question… Do we even stop loving someone even after the
relationship has ended?
Most of us have probably lived through a
ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cant-live-without-each-other love… and for
many of us this has ended. For the second time throughout my blog’s history I
am going to narrate someone else’s story.
Hannah and I have been living together for a year now and I can say with
a lot of certainty that I know her well by now. She is one of the most
disciplined people I know, including emotional discipline as well. That’s one
thing I admire about her; seriously, how many of us can say as much! When she
broke up with her boyfriend of two years (Steve) she said to me: ‘I gave myself
one whole day to cry and get over him’… and just like that she was over him! I
couldn’t believe my eyes; when I’m going through a break up I can cry for days
and days, not get out of the house for weeks and probably the idea of eating
the entire content of my fridge would seem inevitable. Even if I give myself
some time limit to get over someone I know I don’t work this way; I would
probably suppress my tears and then choke on them when I least expect it! Anyhow,
that’s how Hannah is and I admire her for that. She didn’t take long to move
on, within a month she was with someone else and she has been with him for the
past year and a half. She is in one of those kind of relationships that each
and every one of us would love to be in: they fight like siblings, laugh like
best friends and love each other. Whenever we spoke of her ex she would always
say that she cares about him but what they had is over and they would never get
back together. All in all Hannah has the kind of relationships we wish we had;
but we end up with bittersweet memories, broken hearts that take forever to
fall back together and ex boyfriends that become strangers… We never know what
happened to the love we had with that person.
However, one late night somewhere between
confession time between the two friends Hannah told me: ‘ I see Steve
sometimes… is it weird that I still feel attracted to him?’ Knowing Hannah for the past two years I have
to say that this was something I never expected to hear from her. I recall her asking ‘I’m with someone else, I
shouldn’t be attracted to my ex… right?’ This was a question I wasn’t ready to
answer for myself, let alone for someone else. How much do we get over someone
after we break up? And, dear I say it, do we ever get over our past loves or
are we haunted forever by spirits of relationships past? Did I ever get over
Nick? (Can you fall in love with two people at the same time? and Do we need to change to be in a relationship?) Do I love Mat the same way I love(d) Nick?
Just like Hannah had to see Steve again to realize that the love she had for
him never went away, I had to run into Nick to feel the same thing. When I run
into Nick this summer I realized that even though we are over I’m always going to
love him and care about him; he would always have a place in my heart and even
though he will soon be married to someone else, I sincerely hope he is happy.
So I might not be over him afterall, and Hannah might not be over Steve… Maybe
we are never over our great loves, but as time goes by we get used to living
without them and love them from somewhere afar. I guess getting over someone
just means learning to live with the wounds they left you with when they
departed and then find the strength to move on. So maybe we are indeed haunted
by spirits of relationships past but we choose to move on, because it’s the
right thing to do. We give them a part of our heart to keep forever, but learn
to survive with what’s left of it.
After I talked to Hannah again, I realized
that the answer she was looking for was simply ‘there’s nothing wrong with
still loving someone you’ve been with for so long simply because now you are
with someone else’.
Earlier this afternoon, while I was
contemplating on the subject I asked Kate for her opinion and realized she had
a different point of view on the subject: ‘I guess you can stop loving someone,
depending on the way the relationship ended. If he cheated on you it’s normal
to just move on and get over him’. I, on the other hand, have a completely
different opinion on this: It doesn’t matter how a relationship has ended, once
some time has gone by and your anger has subsided you realize that even through
the betrayal you feel, the love is still there and it always will be. You might
never get over the fact that he cheated on you, but you won’t get over him
either… it will just be a bittersweet memory. Which one of the two do you agree
with? And do you think we actually ever get over someone and stop loving them?
Where does the love go… Does it ever vanish? COMMENT and let me know your
thoughts on the subject. CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and keep up with all the updates!
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