Dating a Single Father

18:00 Unknown 0 Comments



This is not one of the most controversial topics when it comes to dating, and definitely not one of the most uncommon ones. But simple as it may seem, after I found myself dating men with children twice in the past 6 months, I realised that in reality, it’s a way more complex topic than we think. Just to clarify what I’m talking about: this article is about single men with children – they might have been married before or just had a long-term girlfriend, but at present they are single fathers. If you found yourself dating a single father you would have realised the baggage that comes with them and if this was your first time (and possibly had a significant age difference as well), you noticed that they are not as easy to date as men without children. So this is the story of Jeff and Ronnie, both of them single fathers.

  Jeff is 31 and father to two children, one boy and one girl, both under the age of 5. The story with Jeff is simple and plain – we started dating and about a fortnight into it I received a text saying “I don’t have time for a relationship, my kids keep me crazy busy. Is casual sex ok?” I was itching to reply “Since you put it so nicely, how could I refuse?”...that never happened! I said no it was not ok, I never indicated that was what I was looking for and he never did either. So when I said no he said ‘Ok, I will delete your number” and that was that. I didn’t put much thought into it, I just wrote him off as just another jerk. When I met Ronnie though, I had to rethink the whole ‘dating men with children’ situation.

 Ronnie is 29 and father of a boy, aged two and a half. (I just need to mention here how weird it is for me to introduce in an article a guy and his children – I guess there’s a first for everything!) I met Ronnie about two weeks ago – he is one of my friend’s housemate and when I stayed over at hers for the weekend Ronnie and I became quite close. Well more than that actually: one of the nights I was there they threw a house party and we ended up sleeping together, both a bit drunk. I was ready to write the whole thing off as a one-night-stand by the next morning, when I saw that Ronnie wanted to actually get to know me. I wasn’t sure at first , given my past single father experience, but then I started getting into him and decided to give it a go.



  The weekend went by so fast and when I returned to my fast-paced city-life I was surprised to find out that Ronnie still wanted to keep in touch and started texting me. So about ten days went by with back and forth funny and flirty texting - comfortable and easy going - when he decided to drop a bomb-question.  A couple of days ago, during a lazy afternoon, I received a text from Ronnie “ I have to ask you something: Do you see this as friends with benefits or do you like me more than that?” You know when you are dating a guy and this question keeps racing through your mind until you finally have to ask it? It didn’t even occur to me this time! I liked talking to Ronnie, I liked kissing him and sleeping with him and I liked getting to know him – but I never thought beyond that. Most girls would love to have the guy clarify the big question this early, but I just didn’t know what to say! So I simply said: “I don’t just want to be friends with benefits, I tried that and it didn’t end well (my tragic end with Mat kept ringing a bell in my mind at that point), but I don’t know yet how I see this. I might like you more than that, but I’m just getting to know you so I can’t tell yet..” And just when I thought I had escaped the uncomfortable question easily, Ronnie let it all out “I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I’m almost thirty years old and a dad. I know what I want and I’m looking to settle down. I fancy you and I enjoy getting to know you, but I get that you are in your early 20s and you need to live your life now”.  I have to admit I was anxious now, so I had to tell him the truth: I’m not ready to settle down, there are so many things I want to do with my life: I need to finish my masters, get a job, travel around, find myself... How could I know what I want now? So to make a long story short, after a conversation Ronnie and I decided that we’ll take it as it goes, and pretty much we are on the same page... for now.

 But what troubles me is not what’s going to happen with Ronnie in the future. He’s great until now and I’ll just take things as they come...  but after our conversation I couldn’t keep myself from thinking about what had happened with Jeff and comparing the two. Jeff is not just the jerk I thought he was – he’s someone that clearly knows what he wants, and he knows I wasn’t it. So he just thought he’d get the best out of our short dating-life. And it’s reasonable: they are looking to settle down; they are dads. They have huge responsibilities and priorities; the last thing they want to worry about is a troubled dating life. But even if they are the one type of guy that knows what they want, I can’t help but wondering: How can we be on the same page? If I don’t have those responsibilities, and what I want to do right now is live life to the fullest, how can a single father and I make it work? and even worse, could it be that I like the idea of a single father because of the responsibility and experience that comes with them, but deep down I know that it will never work? and if so, why do I keep dating them?



 Just like with most of my dating choices, I know why I choose them: they are a form of challenge. Something so different from me and from what I know that I have to try. Plus, I like the idea of sleeping with a man that has two different sides to him in two different situations – as weird as this sounds. And there’s another major factor that all girls should keep in mind when it comes to dating single fathers: you will always come second! And of course, it’s reasonable – their priority is their children. But just like I don’t know how to behave around children, I don’t know how to behave with a man whose life revolves around a child. Maybe I’m not cut out for this, or maybe I’m too young for it. But either way, I decided to still see Ronnie for the coming future for as long as this lasts. As long as we are on the same page, we might as well stick to it – whether this lasts a week or a month. As long as we are both having fun then there is nothing more to question right now!

 What is your opinion about dating single fathers? Would you do it or have you done it? And what did you think of it? How did it turn out? Comment and let me know!!



0 comments:

How To ‘Handle’ Your Man

12:07 Unknown 0 Comments


With one of the most regularly asked dating questions being how to treat or behave towards your man when in a relationship it was unavoidable for me to write a post on the subject. Many of you might misjudge the title and ask ‘how can there be a certain way to behave with all guys’? Everyone is different right? Yes, that’s true. But in most cases, there are a few things that every girl should keep in my mind when it comes to her man. From my experience, and from my friend’s experiences, I noticed that there are some specific matters that keep coming up all the time when it comes to relationships and the ways girls behave when dealing with their men. So after making the same mistakes over and over (and over again), I finally learnt a couple of things that I’d like to share with you. So here are the ways of how to deal with your man, and a few ways to ‘handle’ him:

Don’t Hurt his Ego

Probably the most important thing you have to remember when it comes to your man. Men are, from nature, proud. Most of them are proud to the point where they won’t even come to say sorry even when they are wrong; they will simply come back to you and pretend like everything is ok when they know they are wrong in a fight. I made that mistake with Mat once and I don’t think he ever saw me again the same after that. One night, somewhere between a fight and the tears I was fighting to keep back I started shouting and telling him that he was a ‘miserable low-life’ who will never be happy because he doesn’t have the balls to go after whatever he wants from his life. I actually said that! Next thing I knew I looked up at him and he was in tears, which naturally made me cry as well and started apologising immediately. But it was too late; the damage was done. Matt never looked at me the same way again and I can’t forgive myself for that. I didn’t just hurt his ego; I killed it. I don’t think anyone ever spoke to him so bluntly and brutally before. So when it comes to this, learn from my mistake and make sure you don’t hurt your man’s ego, it’s the one thing that men are really proud about!

Understand That He Will Never Say ‘I’m sorry’

This very much relates to my previous point, but the sooner you understand this, the better! He just won’t do it. You might be having the biggest fight and he might be 100% wrong... but he will never admit it. So learn to deal with it and don’t pursue an apology. Instead, what you should do is look for those little signs that for him scream ‘I’m sorry!’ He will probably come back to you after a fight when he’s wrong and pretend that nothing is wrong. He might also put in some extra effort be a little sweeter than usually, or more attentive; he might come back with your favourite ice cream or movie and hold you all night long. So instead of expecting a ‘I’m sorry card’ with the ‘I’m sorry’ flowers, which will never arrive learn to appreciate the little signs that show you how sorry he is.

Let him do the chase

 From nature, men are predators. This is what they are supposed to do and you better let them. Don’t chase after your guy all the time, don’t take charge all the time... let him chase you. This will not only make him feel better, but he will also love you more for it. Let him miss you and let him ask you out... make him fight for it. They love a good challenge and they love the chase too.

Give him his space

This is where most women have trouble with a lot of the time. Stop bombarding him with 10 messages an hour – no you don’t have to talk every minute of every day. You don’t need to spend every waking minute together and you definitely don’t need to be sleeping at his place every night of the week. Let him do his thing, let him go out and have a guys-night-out if he wants to. If you have a fight, let him cool down – he will come back eventually when he’s ready. If you don’t do that, he will feel like he can’t breathe and eventually leave you to find his space. Maybe it helps to see it this way: being with someone doesn’t mean not having a life, it simply means making room for the other person in your own life. You both have your lives besides each other, and that needn’t change. Jut accommodate each other in your lives, don’t change them completel

Stay on good term with his friends

Just like your girlfriends’ opinions mean a lot to you, so do the opinions of his friends. So you have every reason to approach his friends and keep a good relationship with them. If you manage to get along perfectly then you have all the forces going with you. So don’t underestimate them and for your sake don’t try to make your guy distance his friends.... he will choose them over you. Encourage your man to spend time with his friends and even invite them over for a home-cooked meal while they watch their favourite football team. They will love you for it, and your guy will be proud of you. If his friends keep telling him what a ‘great girl’ he has, how can he even imagine leaving you?

 So this is a list of all the ways you can ‘handle’ your man to keep him next you longer and always stay on good terms with him. Do you have any more to add to this list or do you disagree with anything? Comment and let me know!



0 comments:

His Point Of View: ‘Should I leave my girlfriend?’

13:30 Unknown 3 Comments

It’s all so nice and convenient when it’s just us girls talking, giving our opinions to each other, and assuming that every time he will decide not to leave his girlfriend. But this time, I don’t want you to rely on just what I’m saying or my experiences. This time I want to give you a man’s point of view... because it’s one thing to read what I think on the topic, and it’s quite another to think what a man has to say. And because this topic seems to be the most popular one on my website, I was more than thrilled when John emailed me with his dating adventures, which fall along the same lines as most of my readers concerns.  So this is what John wrote to me and what I replied:



Hi-

My name is John. I am 23 years old, and currently a senior in high school. You probably think this is very strange that I am emailing you, but I am in desperate need of help. I went to the damn internet for help, because all my friends are trying to tell me what to do, but I can't help but question what they say. So I am going to tell you my story, and hopefully you can help me out. 


I have been dating this girl for over a year now. She is my best friend, and a really great girlfriend. She is super attractive, nice, outgoing, athletic and funny. She is basically my dream girl. I fell in love with her, and even lost my virginity to her. It's the cliche bullshit you see in the movies. I am one of the captains of our football team, and she is the popular, beautiful girl everyone knows and loves. We are basically that power couple, that everyone always awes over. Now, there is another girl. Her name is Nadia, and my god the sun shines down on that girl. Nadia has this something in her, that nobody I have ever met has. She has this charm to her that just makes you want to talk to her all day. I never get bored of hearing her voice, or looking into her eyes. Nadia and I have been very close friends every since my girlfriend, Helen, and I have been together. I didn't start developing feelings for Nadia till this past September. Over the summer she and I had a really weird talk while we were drunk about what it would be like if were together. Ever since then it has been a constant battle between Nadia and Helen. I love Helen, I really do. But in the past couple of months I have noticed we lost the spark we use to have, we aren't the same couple and we are fighting a lot more. Also, Nadia and I have gotten closer than ever. I sometimes enjoy talking to her more than my own girlfriend. It's bad. I know that. I am basic emotionally cheating on my girlfriend, and if you gave me a couple of shots probably physically very soon. I know Nadia is into me, she tends to get drunk quite a lot and express her feelings over the phone. I am just really torn. I am comfortable with Helen, and I know what we are like. I know what to expect with her, and we know how to deal with one another by now. I think I am more scared of not having someone, I think that is what is holding me back from breaking up with Helen. I don't know if I love Helen anymore, all I know is I can't get Nadia out of my head. Can you please help me out? 



 Hello John,

I can't tell you how glad I am to have received this email from you. You give me a different point of view and something that so many women are worrying about. Despite being in the same situation, you don't want to cheat on your girlfriend and  have an affair with someone else, for both their sakes. And I admire you for that; not many men would choose the high road when it comes to girlfriend and mistress.

Now, deep down you know what I'm going o tell you - do all three of you a favour and leave Helen. It is evident love her, and of course you would after being in a relationship with her and going through so much together, but you are just not in love with her anymore. You are falling for someone else, and there's nothing wrong with that - as long as you are honest with everyone. If you stay with Helen, chances are you will have an affair with Nadia in the end... and this is how it will end up: You won't leave Helen, because you can have them both now, but you will feel torn, about cheating on Helen and about not being able to truly be with Nadia. You will hurt Nadia, more than anyone, because she will be there waiting for you to leave Helen and putting up with everything. And finally, you will hurt Helen too, whether she finds out or not.
 But, if you leave Helen, you will be able to cherish the good moments that you had with her before your relationship deteriorated. You won't end up fighting all the time, like you do now, but you will know that whatever you had was great, but now it's over. You will be able to move on to someone else that you truly like and in the end you will set Helen free to move on, if you are not in love with her.
Finally, I want to thank you for being honest with how you feel. I know it's easy to be with Helen after so much time, and most men fear being alone. But this is life, you have to take a risk or two and it might not always end up where you want it to and you might get hurt somewhere on the way, but it's all part of the experience. You will live through something with Nadia unique and different.. for as long as it lasts. Helen is your comfort zone right now, but magic happens outside your comfort zone.

So all in all, I would advice you to break up with someone that you are not really in love with and be grateful for all the good memories you had together. But it's time for something new and don't be scared; Nadia is someone you like and someone you might end up with and be crazy in love - and there is nothing wrong with this.

Please do email me back if you need anything else, or to tell me if I have helped at all. I really wish everything turns out for the best and you make the right choices for all three of you.


Best wishes,
 Dating City Girl

 For a minute there, I thought everything would turn out great this time. I thought that since
he had asked, he would probably the one man that wouldn’t follow the usual pattern, that he would change it, leave Helen for the girl he has fallen for and all three of them would move on with their lives, happier than before. But, a couple of days later, John replied to my email. Unfortunately, he didn’t fail to fall short of the high expectations that I had, and do the same mistake that all men do: choose comfort. So this is what he said to me:

 Hello-


Thanks for the advice. I am still confused with how I feel, but I am sure that it will work out in the end. I am still with Helen, and I actually just told Nadia that maybe we need to distance ourselves. I don't want to hurt her, she doesn't deserve that. I am sticking with Helen, and seeing how this all plays out. I will of course keep you updated, and yes you can use my email


Thanks for the help
John

As much as I was hoping for one guy to prove me wrong, unfortunately John proved me right. I wanted to believe that at least this time it would be real, he would go for the girl he had fallen for and risk it. But as reality proves it, they never do leave their girlfriends. So there you have it, not just my point of view, but a guy’s point of view as well, who faces the same dilemma.

Did you think my reply was good? What did you think he should have done? COMMENT and let me know! 

3 comments:

Who's a Perfect Little Girl?

12:06 Unknown 0 Comments

  

This morning I woke up to an email from a girl, asking me how she should behave to make a good impression, and to be ‘girlfriend material’, which, unsurprisingly, got me thinking about being perfect. We always look for Prince Charming, that one perfect guy who will swipe us off our feet and make us ride off into the sunset with him.  But, as idealistic (and unrealistic!) that is, let’s quit talking about Prince Charming for a second, and reflect back on ourselves.

 Which one of you can actually stand up and honestly say she fits the criteria for Cinderella? After reading that email, I was shocked. I thought that by now, all girls of a certain age and dating experience must have realized that the fairy is not exactly coming true with Prince Charming and Cinderella (or Sleeping Beauty for that matter), primarily because both characters simply don’t exist! It seems that a lot of girls have a distorted image of how they should be, and naturally, feel like they fall short of some unrealistic criteria that they impose on themselves. And who’s to blame them? Movies, fairytales and magazines put so much pressure on us, giving us a view of how a girl/woman should look, act, talk to impress and to be considered elegant and desirable. So I don’t know about all of you out there, but if it helps, I will tell you about myself!

  I’m not a princess, in fact I fall from grace with a loud ‘thud’ and probably land on my ass. And that happens a lot. I can’t walk gracefully on heels to save my life; in fact, I trip over completely flat surfaces, even wearing trainers. I will never have the perfect hair for all occasions; in fact, my hair is so big and messy that I’m lucky to get it under control most days. I will never have the perfect body and I don’t even need to, I’m not going to be on Next Top Model. Most of the time I’ll just say the first thing that comes to my mind without even thinking, which more often than not, is extremely embarrassing... but honestly who cares! I’m not going out trying to be a Princess, I will laugh my heart out and not care if everyone is staring if I feel like it. In fact, I believe that if I had to identify myself with someone, it would be Bridget Jones. Having watched that movie more than 50 times, I can see myself in so many things, that I feel like I’m laughing at myself every time. And I don’t even care. I will say one thing and mean another, I will embarrass myself, throw my Marlborough lights a million times in the drain before I finally manage to quit smoking, spend whole days in my bed just because I’m bored to get up and get dressed. I will binge eat every time I get nervous, wear a mismatching pair of socks and definitely not always have perfectly shaved legs. And the list goes on and on, but my point is that there is no such thing as a perfect little girl, that will make men go crazy for her because she simply fits all the criteria.

  Let’s face it: there will always be people that will turn us down, no matter how you look, sound, wear, etc. And for the reader that emailed me, if your goal is to impress with who you are, how can you judge who you should be, if there will always be people that won’t like you? So what does it even matter? And it’s so exhausting trying to be someone that you are not, it’s just not worth the trouble. And frankly, who would want that? There are not many people like you in this world, so instead of spending time trying to  impress other people, how about doing things to impress yourself? Maybe instead of trying to be ever so elegant, try to learn a new skill, a new language, or write a paper. It doesn’t matter, as long as it pleases you.



  And keeping all the instances that we fall short of the princess criteria, how about stop looking for Prince Charming? If we are not perfect, and no one said we should be, why is it that we keep looking for a perfect guy? Imagine how much better this world would be, if we found that one guy who is perfect for us and love him to the point that it doesn’t even matter anymore? Maybe I sound too idealistic now, but having fallen hard for two guys who definitely were not Prince Charming, with the standards that most women set, I learnt that it doesn’t matter. Because in the end, when you fall for someone, you will realise he’s probably far from meeting the criteria that you had set before falling in love, but you won’t care at all. And the sooner all girls realise this, the better. Just as you are not perfect, stop looking for that perfect guy who is going to look like Brad Pitt and behave like Edward Cullen. Who wants that? I wouldn’t fall for anyone like that, it’s just simply creepy - and I don't want to risk the 'glowing' part! Besides, the whole point of falling in love with someone is falling for all of their imperfections that seem perfect to you.

So to the reader that emailed me this morning asking how she can be the ‘perfect girl’ and to all of you out there who have this question: that girl does not exist! You are perfect just the way you are. You have flaws but so does everyone. And learn to love them, because how else do you expect someone else to do so if you can’t do it yourself? Learn to love yourself before expecting someone else to do that, and everything else will fall into place. Because afterall, the most important relationship, the most complex one and significant one is the one you have with yourself; and if you find someone to love you for that, then that’s just fabulous!


 What do you think? Is there a way that a girl should act, dress, talk to impress? Or is it better to just be yourself? Comment and let me know!

0 comments:

Should I End It?

15:34 Unknown 0 Comments



Dear Dating City Girl,

  I am writing because I’m currently in what seems to be a dead end. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. We had one of those relationships that most people wish to have; we were best friends and lovers. We had the best of times together and we had the worst of times together. We loved each other so much. We had our ups and downs, both of them were intense. But now, it’s been a few months that I feel that things have changed, on both ends. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him. But I don’t know if it’s because of habit or if I’m still in love with him. The past few months are kind of a haze for me. It feels like we are drifting apart. We are still together, but not really. We don’t talk to each other as much, we fight most of the time when we do and it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. I used to miss him every time I didn’t get to see him even for two days. Now I just don’t care that much. Sometimes I’m just bored. And when we are together, it rarely feels the same. There used to be a time when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and we would never run out of things to say. Now I sometimes catch him staring at the ceiling lost in his thoughts, and sometimes I try to win him back, but sometimes I just don’t care to bother. Every time I fight for us to go back to the way we were, I find myself wondering whether I do it because I really want him in my life, if I miss the way we were or maybe just the idea of it, or if I just do it out of habit, just because I’m so used to being with him. I haven’t loved anyone else the way I love him... but the thing is I don’t know if I even love him that way anymore. Am I falling out of love?  I’m so lost. I’m thinking that maybe I should end it, but I don’t know if I should and for what. Please help me.

Lost-and-confused




Dear lost-and-confused,

Thank you for your email. I’ve been there, and I was in such a state of confusion that I didn’t know what to do. It’s one of those times, that you can actually hear your brain scream louder than your heart, because your emotions don’t consume you anymore. Your mind is ‘split’, but not your heart. The only thing that you are heart is probably telling you, is that you should let go. What you are thinking though is that you love him, and that’s out of the question, but probably for the wrong reason. You will always love him, but staying with him because you are just used to it is a different matter. It’s not fair to you or to him, so do yourselves a favour and break it off. You don’t have to wait until it’s too late, and all your good memories get replaced by fights or nights that you both sat next to each other but felt miles apart. I get where you are coming from, but sometimes these things come to an end, and it’s better to end it on good terms, rather than waiting until you both get tired of each other and come to the point where you can’t stand each other.


 You should also keep in mind that the feeling of confusion that you feel right now, that feeling of not really wanting to bother... that’s falling out of love. I’ve been through that and it took me a while to realize what it was. There’s no specific feeling that can describe it,
besides emptiness. It’s sort of a time period that you go through a phase where you feel blank. You don’t feel hurt or heartbroken, but you don’t feel in love, happy or content. You basically and literally feel nothing. And once in a while, every blue moon, you feel depressed. You recall all the good memories that you had with the person who is probably laying next to you in bed, look at him and miss the good moments that are long gone. However, when that feeling comes you know that what you miss most of all, is the idea of him, or the idea of you two together. What you don’t miss is him specifically. You are in love with the idea of love, but not with the person. That’s how you know you are falling out of love. And if that’s what you are going through, it’s better to end it sooner rather than later... And let me tell you why!

 Imagine three months from now, you two fighting and shouting every day. And every time you two decide to meet it’s more of a burden to you than it is a pleasure. You two either fight to the point where you don’t talk to each other for months or you go to the other extreme where you ignore each other’s presence. It’s like there is an elephant in the room that you don’t talk about. And for what? So that you spend so much time replacing all the good memories you had together with fights, tears or just ignorance and at the end possibly even hatred. Do you really want to get there? I don’t think so. So do both of you a favour and end it now. You’ll see that when your recover from the break up, you will still be able to reserve for each other the respect that you both deserve and you will look back to your relationship and recall fond memories instead of just fights and tears.


  It’s great that you managed to share so many good years together, but good things sometimes do end, and you might both love each other but what you two had is over. So let go sooner rather than later, whatever happens from now is just too little too late. Get back on your feet and look ahead, both of you, go on with your lives, don’t get stuck in a dead-end relationship.

I hope I have helped you and that you will decide to do what’s best for you in the end.

Lots of love,


Dating City Girl 

What do you think? Have I given he right advice? What would you do differently? Comment and let me know!!

0 comments:

Tinder... Swipe left or right?

15:18 Unknown 1 Comments


 With Tinder making such a massive appearance in the world of dating, I found it unavoidable not to write anything about it. I actually avoided writing anything about it because I felt that I couldn’t make my mind up about how I feel, but after a while I decided that maybe it’s time to put my thoughts down in writing.

For those of you who don’t know - and I imagine it’s very few of you - Tinder is a dating application. It’s really easy to use, you sign up with Facebook, a few photos of you get uploaded and then you go through a list of guys, swiping left if you don’t like them and right if you do. If two of you swipe right to each other then it’s a match and you can start talking to each other. It’s basically an application that lets you decide solely on looks, and occasionally people may write a couple of sentences about themselves, or a quote. It’s nothing more than that.


Swiping Right for.. Tinder!

 Tinder is easy to use, it’s simple and the best thing about it is that you don’t get random messages from people you don’t like or weirdos that keep texting you because you never replied to them. You choose who you talk to.

 I downloaded Tinder maybe a year ago, and I found myself flipping through photos of numerous guys pointlessly for nights on end. I actually dated a couple of guys for a while from Tinder, but it didn’t work out. Gabriel was the first guy I met from Tinder ( see When is it Too Early to Start Liking Someone?) and Aaron was the second (see Threesomes...Three Times the Pleasure or the Trouble?). None of them worked out for separate reasons, but I had a good time with both of them while it lasted. Many of my friends started using Tinder after that. Shayla for example, met a guy through Tinder quite recently and things have been going quite well. One of my friends however, got introduced to Tinder tonight! She knew all about it, but never actually bothered to download it. When we had the conversation about the most fashionable dating application of the day, Vivi suddenly told us that she never used it. We had her signed up in five minutes and there she was tindering away all night long...



Swipe Left for... Tinder!

I have to admit, it was somehow exciting seeing someone that had not used Tinder getting carried away with it on the first night of using it. In fact, she got so absorbed that she hardly spoke to us for an hour.  After sometime I decided to go see what was going on and I found her looking at photos and swiping left within milliseconds of looking at someone. When I asked her why she never swiped right she said ‘No one is my type’. How is that even possible? She swiped through photos of all types of men: blondes, brunettes, tall, short, with beard, clean-shaven, blue-eyed, dark-eyed, and the list goes on and on. How could she not find anyone she liked?

 And suddenly the excitement that I had for introducing her to Tinder, faded away. I knew that Vivi is really picky when it comes to guys, but while I watched  her aimlessly swiping left to tens of guys and then looking up to her expressionless face, I couldn’t help but wonder: How vain do we really become with this application? We look at someone and decide we don’t like them because his nose is too big, or his hair is too long, or his beard is too long, or because he’s making a silly face or wearing a bright coloured T-shirt. But honestly, are all these grounds for dismissal? We tend to forget that all these are people, and someone that you might have thought has a big nose, might turn out to be the real deal. We learn to take a look on someone and decide whether we like them or not, but whatever happened to physical contact? I walk around London and see people fetching their morning Startbucks while flipping through photos on Tinder, but what do they really think about when they flip through those photos?

 And that’s the least of it. Apparently, having talked to both guys and girls that have used Tinder, I found out that there are two main opinions out there about men and women on tinder: The men are just looking to get laid and apparently, the women on Tinder are emotionally fucked up!  Who says these things? As if it’s not enough that both sexes fall into gender social construction every minute of every day in the real world, we have to go through the stereotyping in the world of Tinder as well?

 After a while, Vivi looked up and just said ‘This is sad’. She switched off her phone and threw it on the couch. And seriously, who’s to blame her? This is sad! We judge people based on their appearance in two photographs and then we expect to find Prince Charming. Let me tell you, you won’t find him riding his horse and posing with his sword in hand for his Tinder profile photo. So put your phone down and look around you. You might miss bumping into someone in the middle of the street that you could potentially like because you have your face glued on your phone. Whatever happened to the good old fashioned way of meeting guys? A simple, ‘the weather seems promising today’ to the cute guy next to you at your local Starbucks, might gain you a good conversation and potentially a date.

 You can keep tinder if it’s just for fun, but for all of you out there that expect to find a real relationship out of it, let me tell you it’s even harder than the real world. As for me,  I might still log on Tinder every now and then before falling asleep at night for a few minutes, but I don’t believe that anything serious might come out of it. And maybe I will meet a few more guys, but I stopped thinking that’s the way to go. I just do it for fun now and if anything good comes out of it then great and if not... I didn’t have high standards for this application to begin with.


 What do you think? Have you used Tinder? Please comment and share your experience with me! 

1 comments:

Dating an Older Man

16:41 Unknown 0 Comments

 I usually use a different man for every post I write and narrate my story. This time I won’t; and the primary reason for this is that every single man I ever dated was older than me. Some of them with as few years difference as 5 and some of them up to 16 years of age difference. And I know I’m not alone, I know there are a lot of you out there who prefer dating older men, for different reasons. But all of you that have dated an older man know there is a bad side to it, as well as the benefits. This post will give you the reasons for dating an older man, how to handle them and why more often than not, dating an older man doesn’t work out!

Dating an older man: Why we do it

 Well this should be straight forward. An older man is more mature. At every age, from the teenage years until young adulthood, it is commonly known that women are more mature than men. So it is only natural for a woman to turn to an older man, who will at least have the same level of maturity as her, if not even more. Another reason is that they have experience, in every aspect of life. You can count on him to give you a good advice and listen to you. But experience comes with age in every aspect... So naturally, an older man can be expected to be much better in bed than a guy in his twenties. To put it not so mildly: he’s been around the block and knows how to use his cock. You can expect an older man not only to give you multiple orgasms but also to teach you lot of things in bed that you probably had no idea until now.

 Above all, an older man is charming. But, unless you are the kind of girl that goes for older men, you won’t be able to understand this. Trying to explain this to many of my friends I realised I was short of words... which makes me wonder: why is it so hard to explain what is charming about the men we choose? What is it about an older man? Is it the small wrinkles around his eyes every time he smiles or the grey hair that just started showing? After having dated older men for the past 6 years, I still can’t decide.


Dating an Older Man: How To Do It

   If you are interests include staying out until 5 in the morning every night, mixing cheap brands of wine and vodka just to get wasted or your number one hobby is ‘shoes’ then dating an older man is definitely not for you. For the rest of you, if you happen to date an older man, you should know that there would be a number of different places that he would choose to go different your friends', and he would probably be in a different state in his life. So while he doesn’t expect you to tell him how many children you want to have in the future, because you simply have no idea yet, he definitely does not want to hear about your friend who got wasted and threw up all over the night bus. How about finding a common topic of conversation? It is only natural that you would have less knowledge on most topics, and that’s ok. That’s one of the reasons you choose him anyway, you learn from someone that knows more from you. Don’t be scared to be naive sometimes; once again, it’s fine. You are still learning, and he probably will find that adorable. Try to relate to him with your experience, to find out his interests and show interest, you’ll learn something new with him all the time.

 Do you ever wonder what is the reason an older man chooses to date us? He likes taking charge, so let him. It’s beautiful most of the time. He knows you are a strong independent woman, but he’s gone around the block way more many times that you have. Let him protect you, let him care and watch and learn. Enjoy it. You can let him take control if you trust him; you will find pleasure in it and he will secretly love it.

 I sometimes find it hard to understand why older men will choose us... but after thinking about it for a while, I came to think of it as a fair deal: you both get something out of it. He likes you because you are young, fresh, full of energy and life, and you remind him of years past. And you like him because he’s mature, charming and possibly (in the best of cases) you see in him something you want to become in a few years time.  So if possible, let him inspire you. He probably knows what he wants from life and hopes that you will be the same in a few years. You might see in him a path you want to follow.


Dating an Older Man: Why It doesn’t work out

 As you probably have seen for yourself, if you do date older men, more often than not, it doesn’t last for long. You might be the one to end it, or he might be the one, but it really doesn’t matter because often it’s due to one of the most common reasons.

 If your relationship with an older man has ended it could be primarily because you are in two different places at the moment. And that’s only natural: he’s been where you are, and you are yet to get where he is now. He’s probably going to be one step one ahead of you whatever you do in life. You both probably want different things – and it’s only natural. I would say that something is wrong if you both were on the same page. But that’s what’s beautiful about it! Yes, this might be expirational dating, and you know this isn’t going anywhere from the minute you jump into a relationship with an older man. No, he is not Prince Charming and he is not the man of your dreams – you probably won’t get married, have lots of babies nor ride off into the sunset. Also, you might find yourself falling in love with him, much before he does- if he does. Again, that’s only natural: you are young, naive and still learning. I know I’ve been there. It doesn’t always end nicely – he might leave you, long before you see it coming or you mind leave him,, because you realise this is doomed. You might get hurt, but when it’s all over, you’ll know it was a great experience – I always see it this way. You learn a lot more than you thought you could in a relationship and you mostly have good memories – and don’t get me started on how much you can learn in bed. He might make you consider doing things that didn’t even cross your mind.

I know what you are thinking: ‘if I know it’s doomed even before it starts, why bother?’ And you are right! But unless you have been there, you won’t know why it’s worth doing it. If you have been there, I hope this article has helped you find some reasoning in what you do; and also helped you see you are not alone. If you haven’t been there, maybe now there’s a chance you’ll consider something new. And if not, then it’s just something more to learn about dating.


 Have you ever dated an older man? How was your experience? How far did the relationship go? Comment and let me know your thoughts!!! 

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Threesomes: three times... the pleasure or the trouble?

09:07 Unknown 1 Comments




I once read somewhere that a threesome is one of the most common sexual fantasies amongst people. And it is true, that asking around you will find out that either most people have had a threesome, or want to... at least in theory. When it comes to me, a threesome is one of my sexual fantasies as well... but I can’t help wondering why I turned down the opportunity to make it come true. Naturally therefore, this story differs from my previous ones, as it doesn’t only involve me and a guy I dated, but also his wife.

 I met Aaron probably 4 months ago, during the busiest time of my final year. He’s 37 and had just moved to London from the States. But Aaron is married. At the time he was separated, his wife had not moved to London and from what he told me, he had an open relationship with her throughout their marriage. As much as I respect their choices, the only reason I thought it was acceptable to date him, was the fact that he was separated. But, what impressed me mostly was how patient he was with me, when I couldn’t meet up with him and after seeing him briefly a couple of times I had to take off for a month. I didn’t think much of it at the time, because I was sure that we would lose touch by the time I returned to London. In my mind there was no way that he would wait for me until I came back. So imagine my surprise when Aaron not only waited for me to return to London, but he also kept in touch with me for two months while I was away.  Despite having my doubts about dating him, I thought that someone that waited for so long to see me was worth a shot.


 A week after my return to London, I arranged to see him for a quick drink somewhere between our busy schedules. I was about to tell him that I wasn’t sure about dating him, and maybe it would be best to just leave it, but little did I know.. He informed me that his wife had moved to London to a new job, and they were back together, but still in an open relationship. My first thought was that I was putting myself in a mess... again! Really, had I not learnt anything from my experience with Mat and Nick? You never get involved with a man who shares his feelings for you... it always ends badly! Anyhow, thinking that I have learnt my lesson and half way through preparing my polite refusal to date him again, he dropped a bomb: “I showed my wife some photos of you and she wants to meet you. How about we go for a drink, all three of us?” He showed me photos of her, to which I had to admit she was drop dead gorgeous and then he  informed me that she was bisexual. Before I had time to process everything, he asked me if I wanted to join them... in bed. I was shocked, but the proposal somehow intrigued me.  I always wanted to try a threesome, it’s one of my greatest fantasies... then why the hell did I feel like this wasn’t the right thing to do? I wanted to say yes and no at the same time, so in order to avoid sounding like a complete psycho I said I would think about it.

 I came back home the same day feeling confused but excited. I started discussing it with Kate, who stopped me halfway and said “You are not seriously considering it right?” and then she walked out on me. After contemplating it for a while, I decided it was time to call in more help. I invited Shayla and Vivi last night and over some wine I decided to tell them the whole story. Both of them admitted that a threesome was one of their biggest sexual fantasies, but each one of them wanted it differently: Vivi would prefer two guys to join her and Shayla wasn’t sure she could do it with people she knew, so she would rather be with two people that she would never have to face again. I on the other hand, disagreed. My ideal fantasy would be another guy and a girl. So why was I still thinking about it? When Vivi asked if I wanted to do it, I said ‘I don’t know’, and then she said in a serious tone: “Don’t do it then. If you wanted to do it, you would know”.

 By now I know I won’t do it. As much as the proposal intrigues me and excites me, I decided not to jump into something I’m not quite sure about. But if a threesome has always been on the top of my sexual fantasies list, I can’t help but wonder... what really makes me say no? Am I really that old-fashioned or is this something I don’t want to do with practically two strangers? Are threesomes really that exciting for me or was I so jaded that I wanted to do something completely different when I delayed saying no?

 After some time, I realised that a threesome is an amazing idea in theory... but in practice, at least for me, all the right conditions need to take place. I would never have a threesome with two strangers. I will probably say yes, when it’s a man that I know and I trust and have another girl join us. Or maybe it will never happen. But at least now I know that I made the right choice. Magic might happen outside your comfort zone, but maybe I’m not ready to jump so far away from it. 

 What do you think about threesomes? Ever had one? Is it as exciting as they make it be or is it way overrated? Comment and let me know!
  


1 comments:

Spicing up online dating: TICKR

05:05 Unknown 0 Comments




 As much as it is unavoidable to exclude online dating, when it comes to relationships in the past few years, all of us must admit that every now and then we find it boring and way too monotonous. When a normal profile becomes as boring to read as any of the Twilight books, and when you find yourself swiping to the left on your dating mobile application, one cannot help but wonder if anything new is coming to spice up online dating a little bit! How many times did we really look at someone’s dating profile picture and think whether he really is as good looking as the photo, or whether this was just taken on a good angle? How many times did you go out on a date and realized that your date is just no how you thought he would be, or maybe he doesn’t sound as you thought he would sound. As weird as this may seem, the voice of a man is one of the first things that a woman notices. So what if there was a way to overcome those little drawbacks of online dating?

 Tickr is a new dating website that allows you to do a lot more than read someone’s profile picture. It allows you to see them in motion – by including a video!  By ending the ambiguous nature of hook-up apps and getting rid of inaccurate algorithms and laborious compatibility questions like other dating sites, Tickr gives users access to the strongest tool at their disposal – gut instinct.



So How Does It Work?

Members create short videos (up to 30 seconds) displaying their interests, hobbies and personalities, earning 'ticks' if they are liked and 'icks' if they are not. A video can be just about anything, from talking, dancing, fooling around or even singing, if you are feeling confident! And here’s the best part: you don’t have to sit around to think of a video to film to upload on Tickr. You can just use any video you might find in your phone that you happen to like, and upload it easily, as the website also has its own iphone application. You could just Tickr on-the-go. Once members mutually tick each other - it's a match and the conversation can then begin through text or video messaging.  As well as browsing securely through videos, Tickr also provides a complete user experience - members can use the site to book dates through partners such as online restaurant site Bookatable, plus many more.
 On top of the numerous facilities outlined above, tickr combines a stylish website design with an ease of use to any user, making it easy to navigate around, entertaining to read the profiles and avoiding the monotonous search of online dating profiles that other websites tend to have.


How Can I Join?


 It’s simple and it’s easy... and if you hurry up it’s free as well! For a limited amount of time, Tickr is free to join. Just visit: www.trustyourtickr.com and receive a free, lifetime membership. It’s something new, something exciting and who knows? Maybe Mr. Right is right there! After that, standard monthly membership will be £10.  

0 comments:

Crossing over to the 'wild' side

16:53 Unknown 0 Comments




 Love can be a torture... it might bring you sleepless nights, heartache, tears and it can drive you crazy with jealousy. So if there was a question, you would definitely answer that love hurts! The emotional pain that comes with love is an undeniable, and almost inseparable, part of falling in for someone. But... what happens when we cease to talk about the emotional pain that comes with love and begin to ponder on the physical pain that can come with sex. Just to make it clear from the beginning, this post is strictly about having sex and pushing your boundaries, with consent from both participants (or potentially more!). This post has nothing to do with any form of abuse in a relationship, without consent.

 Having made that clear, I now turn to ask you: when was the last time you pushed your boundaries during sex? If you have to stop and think about it, it’s probably been too long... or maybe never. As I have not so recently discovered, magic happens outside your comfort zone.... when it comes to sex as well. It’s definitely true that you never know what you like and what you don’t until you have tried it; however, there will always be a few things that you definitely know whether you are curious to try or whether you will never want to. And pushing your boundaries when it comes to sex is definitely one of those things. I know that for some of you my story might seem completely ‘mild’ and for some of you it might seem extreme, but for me... it was definitely pushing my boundaries.


  I started wondering how sex would be if it was a little more adventurous or a little more painful somewhere around my first year of sleeping with Mat (see Just sex... or something more?). Sure, Mat would give me the occasional ‘tug of the hair’, which I liked, but he never went beyond that. Naturally, when I asked him one night to try pulling a bit harder, he jumped right into it without thinking too much about it. Not long after that, pulling my hair, which seemed more than enough before, was not sufficient to satisfy my curiosity. It was around that time that I asked Mat to try spanking me... and to my pleasant surprise I found out that the harder he spanked me, the more I liked it. It wasn’t long before I started asking him to experiment with more things... Handcuffing, blindfolding, spanking and slapping in the face, choking... sometimes everything combined. Mat never refused to try anything I wanted to, and even though he never admitted to it, I believe that he discovered that he liked the same things when I asked him to try them with me. I remember myself asking Mat plenty of times to slap me harder, or choke me, when he was sometimes holding back. I remember plenty of times waking up the next morning with bruises, but in a way that’s the best part. It’s a little reminder of the time I had spent with him.

 So rough sex, whatever its definition might be, can be pleasurable and sometimes extreme, but... can it be compatible with love? If lovemaking is synonymous with gentleness and romanticism, how can choking and spanking be another way of making love and not just indulging to our animalistic nature? Can it be, that against popular opinion, slapping and handcuffing you is another way of showing his love for you? One night, somewhere between my haze from the time I spent with Mat and the memories that were keeping me awake, I couldn’t help but wonder... Is there a fine line that separates lovemaking from pure, wild sex? And if so, why did I feel like I was falling more and more in love with Mat after every night I spent with him, when naturally, we had crossed that line long ago? When a few months passed by, I realized that it didn’t matter how much he hurt me or humiliated me during sex... what really mattered was that we both liked it. So what if I was submissive? He loved being the dominant one. And what if I liked pain a little too much? He liked hurting me. I came to realize that the distorted relationship I had with Mat, was heavily based on our mutual desire for pushing our boundaries. You can love someone and still have sex with them the way you enjoy it. Love making is not all about romanticism; It’s about two people sharing mutual desires... and from my experience the more extreme the desires, the more intimate sex becomes.

Where do you draw the line?


If you don’t know what you like until you have tried it, then it should go without saying that you don’t know what you don’t like without trying it. At least that’s what had to happen in order to discover where I draw my line. But because I would still like to keep some of my privacy when it comes to these things, I will refrain from narrating that experience. But what I will tell you is this: don’t be afraid to try out new things; even things you never thought you would be doing. But keep in mind one thing: most of the time you have to give up control to someone else in these situations, so make sure you trust the other person 100% before exploring new territories when it comes to sex. Plus, you won’t enjoy it properly until you know that you are safe in the hands of the man you let take control of you.

  As for me, I haven’t trusted anyone as much as I trusted Mat until now, so I refrained from making sex more adventurous. But sooner or later I’m sure I’ll start trying new things again with someone that I trust; but until then... go out have fun, be safe and don’t be afraid to try new things... and then come back and leave a comment or send an email! I’d love to hear from you. Do you have any similar experiences? Comment and let me know! 

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