Just sex… or something more?

16:16 Lissa Reed 0 Comments

  “Can it be just sex?”: The eternal question that tortures every single woman who wants to have some fun but not get emotionally involved with anyone. If you had asked me 3 years ago I would have answered in a split second, without even thinking about it “of course it can be just sex, you don’t need to get emotionally involved!” Well, three years later I have to admit, with great regret, that I might not have been right.  I have been trying to solve this great mystery with friends and it seems that everyone’s opinion varies on the subject. So I decided that maybe I should give my experience on this topic and try to draw some conclusions out of it.

  His name was Mat, and I have known him for years, but I was never actually friends with him. I always thought that he seemed like a nice guy, a good laugh, but never actually thought more of him.  He was the first to approach me, first as a friend and then flirting subtly with me. I had to give it to him; this guy was smart. He knew how to play the game without making too obvious what he was after. He was really nice, he would talk to me quite often (but not all the time, so he gave me some breathing space as well!) and most of all he made me laugh. Unfortunately at the time, I was not looking for a relationship, and little did I know that neither was he.  Yes, I did reciprocate the flirting, but when we went out a few times, I kept some safe distance, just to make it clear that I wasn't up for dating.

  When a few months had passed by, it was time to have a serious conversation with Mat. I got ready to turn him down nicely (and let’s just say a little part of me took pleasure in it, it gave me that feeling of having someone chase after me… I know what you are thinking, and yes I’m embarrassed!). Imagine my surprise when Matt looked at me with a smile and said “I don’t want a relationship either!” I felt humiliated and embarrassed for my overconfidence and arrogance! But to my great surprise he added: “What do you say to just having some fun?” and winked. No one had ever asked me that before, but I always believed that casual sex was no big deal. And I was right, for the next two years it wasn't.  Matt and I had a great time together. We would meet up whenever someone was available, no commitment, we could date other people if we wanted to, if we had to cancel then no one would moan over it or complain, and the sex… oh the sex was just great! With no feelings there were no insecurities and with no insecurities… everything was possible! I wouldn't care if I looked good doing this or that, or if I was perfectly waxed, if I had enough make up on and so on and so forth. I would just go there and it would be great every time! I had no insecurities about trying anything new and I would just be myself, both in the bedroom (or kitchen, office, car, couch, etc ) and outside of it! And when we weren’t having sex, we would be having a good laugh over a glass of wine and a nice pleasant conversation. Being with him was just easy and fun, and I never questioned wanting anything more from him… until I came to London. Imagine how difficult it is to stay in a long distance relationship for years… almost impossible. Now you would think since two people in love couldn’t manage to save their relationship from the distance, what chance did we stand to save our ‘relationship’? So naturally, when I came to London I thought it was all over, and I thought that the past two years were great, a lot of fun, but that it's time to move on. I wished Matt all the best, told him we’ll talk and catch up every now and then and that was it. Well, little did I know, that my story with Matt did not come to an end there, but it was just the beginning of a very messed up situation.

  As I spent a few months in London, I realized that I started to miss Matt and even though we would talk every now and then, I wanted to see him. Apparently Matt was thinking the same thing because as soon as I went back for Christmas, Matt wanted to see me. And this time it wasn't the usual ‘just sex and a nice conversation’ routine, but there was something I never experienced with Matt before: romance! He poured me a glass of wine, lit the candles and held me close to him for hours before making love to me. I never used that word before to describe having sex with Matt, but apparently while I was away something had changed. Not to mentioned he said he missed me more than 10 times. I couldn't believe it… Had the distance made me fall in love with Matt, or have I been in love with him all along and just didn't realize it because he was so available to me? After that night we both realized that whatever it was we were doing had gotten out of control, and we both independently but simultaneously decided to keep some distance from each other. After a few months have passed by, I came to realize that I still care about Matt, and that every time I go back home I’m going to want to see him, and I wish him all the best. We both started dating other people after that, and even though we do keep in touch we know that a relationship between me and him would never work out. We are just way too different to be compatible.

  After my experience with Matt it seemed that my beliefs had been shaken to the core and that I had to rethink the whole ‘sex without emotion’ situation. It is in fact, scientifically proven that while making love women excrete a hormone that makes them fall in love with the man. So could it be, that we are in fact, by nature, programmed to not be able to have casual sex? And if so, if we are later meant to fall for each guy that we sleep with, why does casual sex feel so good? And to make it clear, I am not talking about one night stands; one night stands are a different situation. When I say casual sex, I refer to having a fuck buddy. So can we date our fuck buddy? And if we can’t, just like I can’t date Matt, why does the sex with someone that we are not meant to be with, feel so good?

  I had this conversation over and over again with many friends. I recall Sandra one day telling me over coffee “I never had a fuck buddy, but I don’t think that it is impossible to have sex without falling in love! I guess it depends on each person”. When I asked Javier he took one look at me and said “I never fell in love with anyone that I had casual sex with. It’s perfectly possible! And might I add, amazing!” If my friends are right, why did I fall in love with my fuck buddy? Finally I had to talk to Vivi to get an answer that would contradict them. “Well I could never have casual sex. I have to be in love with someone to have good sex, otherwise I won’t do it at all” she said one day somewhere between revising and falling asleep on some past papers. After a mixture of opinions I couldn't help but wonder: “What does it take to have casual sex with someone? And is there a thin line that separates casual sex and making love with someone? Had my almost three year sex relationship with Matt stepped well over that line, or was it all about timing? Maybe if you are sleeping with someone for that long, you are meant to develop some feelings for them at some point and maybe casual sex, just like milk, has an expiration date.

  So for all of you out there, who are having casual sex and enjoying the hell out of it (I know, it’s great!) take some caution and think about the person you are sleeping with. If you had to leave them right now, how much would you miss them? Because ladies, speaking from experience those feelings don’t warn you before showing up; and you will realize you have them when it’s too late to do anything about it!
 Let me know if any of you had any similar experiences with casual sex? Could you keep it just casual or did you fall for that person? Comment and let me know! 
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