I have a list of all the blog posts I am doing, one right after the other… and this one was nowhere on the list. I had to write this post though because of what I realized today. My most popular article is by far ‘Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?’ and you will not believe how many people read that each day… and how many emails I receive asking me about that. I was under the impression that I’m one of the few girls that experienced what it’s like being the other woman and thinking he will leave his girlfriend for me. But I just found out otherwise.  I get emails on a daily basis, all asking me the same thing in a hundred different ways: ‘He said he loves me…’ , ‘He doesn’t love his wife anymore, he said he’ll leave her…’, ‘He is staying with her for a little while longer because she’s going through a rough patch’, and the list is endless. They all finish with the same question however:  ‘Do you think he will leave her for me?’… It just breaks my heart every time I have to answer the same thing to them: ‘No he won’t!’

 I decided to write this post to all those women out there, who think that he will leave his girlfriend for them and who are, what is commonly known as, the 'other woman'. I know exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is. I’ve been through that and I’m still not over it, but we can’t keep telling ourselves the same lie over and over again because we think something is going to change. It’s not easy to admit, but here is what it feels like being the other woman:

  It’s all too nice and comforting thinking that you met a man, took him home slept with him (had a great time!)… and then woke up and made you breakfast. What’s better than that? You worked it out in the bedroom, you know that works and then you take it on from there. You bought the car, took it for a test drive, established it works and now you are ready for the ride… Yeah well, sorry to snap you out of that, but that never works! Chances are, if you actually happen to wake up at the guy’s place, not only will you not have breakfast served, but you will be rushing around trying to find your clothes and get on your way to walk the ‘walk of shame’. Now before you say ‘what does she know?’, let me tell you my story…

  

  About a week or so ago Sarah and I decided to go out for a few drinks at a club somewhere behind Regent Street. Everything was great, the music, the cocktails, we were dancing our heels off and having a great time… Until Ronald and Adam showed up; two very handsome, slightly older and more than slightly drunk gentlemen.  Within an hour we had found out that both were high school teachers (and undoubtedly very desired by 16 year olds), single and very fun to be around. Within the next hour Sarah was dancing with Ronald and I was with Adam. (Just a small note here: I’m not the type of girl that picks up guys in a bar. I’ve done that, years ago. I’m fed up with that. BUT, there was something about this guy… I really liked Adam, I enjoyed talking to him and yes, he was a great kisser. And for me to say I liked someone from the first time I meet them… let’s just say that’s next to impossible). 

 Two hours later we were in a cab with them going to Adam’s place…. After spending about two or so hours locked up in Adam’s room with him, I knew I suddenly had a crush. I haven’t had a crush for ages. He was sweet and attentive, responsible and yet incredibly charming. Around 5 o’clock in the morning it was time to go home and it was around that time that he asked for my number. By that time I knew that if he had my number I would be checking my phone for the next week expecting a message from him and get extremely disappointed if I didn’t receive a text. I had a choice: I could just give it to him without a second thought and risk the disappointment or I could refuse and write this whole day off as a great night with a nice twist. I chose neither. I suddenly told him ‘Look, I’m not one of those type of girls that you bring home and then ask for their phone number pretending you are going to text, just because it’s the polite thing to do. If you actually want to text me, then you’ll get my number’. He said ‘Give me your number, I promise I’ll text tomorrow’. And that was it. Those were the last words he said to me… ever! He never texted of course. I knew he wouldn’t from the minute I gave him my number, but I knew I wanted him to text so much that I would sacrifice the risk. I spent the whole of the next day somewhere between last night’s haze and my mind-consuming thoughts, trying to figure out why he never texted. So here are the reasons why a one-night-stand will never turn into a relationship, or he will never text:

1. He was drunk: this means he probably doesn’t remember you (well that’s extreme), but at least he doesn’t remember everything clearly. His mind was cloudy and he might have said things he didn’t mean.

2. You were drunk:  Now most of us think that when we are drunk we become more courageous and bring out the best in us… well, maybe. But we also think we are the best dancers, the best looking people and the best in bed. By no means am I undermining your skills and abilities in any of the three. I believe you are probably great in all three. But, when we are drunk we tend to overestimate our abilities in all those three departments. So at the end of the day, even though we were more joyful and fun we probably weren’t as great as we remember ourselves to be. And the guys don’t remember us the way we falsely remember ourselves.

3. It’s awkward: The whole let’s get in cab and go home, make out at the backseat, with probably a bit over the clothes action is all too passionate and spontaneous; especially when in danger of being seen by the cab driver, but by the time you get home, get in bed and get it over with, you will probably have sobered up and just realized you are lying naked, next to a stranger. Chances are you don’t even remember his name. So what do you do then? You don’t say ‘Well that was great… whatever your name is. Now let’s hangout and see if we are each other’s soulmate!’ NO! You get up awkwardly, while the guy is probably having a shower or pretending to be asleep, you pull on your fancy clothes and get on your way with the walk of shame.

4. He might have been lying: I know this sucks. But did he say he’s single, employed and with money in the bank? Well I’m sorry to break it to you, but he might be cheating on someone, while being unemployed and probably in debt as well. I know I’m taking it to the extremes here, but  did you think about the fact that he might be rebounding? Or he might not want to be in a relationship? He could have been lying to get what he wanted, independently of how persuasive he was!

5. It’s a one-night-stand: I think this says it all. It’s supposed to be a one night thing! It’s not a ‘let’s start a relationship the wrong way round!’ It’s supposed to be passion between two people that know nothing about each other and that’s pretty much it. It says it all. If he had met you in a club and wanted to get to know you he would ask to take you out, not take you to bed.

There you have it, the top 5 reasons why a one-night-stand is not the beginning of a relationship and will never turn into one! It’s too bad, but for all of you out there who think that it might have been a good start, I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s not. If you are into the ‘one-night-stand kind of scene’ then that’s great. Go out and enjoy yourselves. But if what you are looking for is a relationship, then one-night-stands is nowhere near what you are looking for.

As for me and Sarah… we learnt the hard way, but now we know. And we just added another great experience to our list.

What did you think? Did you have a one night stand that turned into a relationship? Comment and let me know!! Remember to like my facebook page for the latest updates! 

Dear City Girl,

I would like your advice on this amazing guy I met. To make a long story short, we I met him randomly in a club and we clicked immediately. Funny, unassuming, relaxed and most of all… he gave me butterflies (cheesy, I know). It was an instant connection, something which is very rare for me. So what’s the problem?, you will ask.

I think I’m his rebound. We have a lot of fun together and so far I can really rely on him. But I can see several signs that he’s not over his ex yet. He still wears a ring she gave him, I often catch him staring off into space and when I ask him if he is okay, he snaps at me. I think what annoys me the most though is the picture I found in his drawer of them two hugging. I know those are memories he cherishes and that’s why I feel so selfish.

I am crazy about him. I can’t think of anyone else but him. Is it too selfish that I want him to think of only me? Is it too selfish that I don’t want to be his rebound while he’s my first love? I want me to be what he is to me.

Should I talk to him about it? What do you think I should do?

Looking forward to your response,

I-don’t-want-to-be-a-rebound-girl

 

Dear I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-A-Rebound Girl,

 How easy is to actually find someone that gives you butterflies? As cheesy as that sounds, we all love it. Connecting with someone is really rare. I know because I’m exactly like you when it comes to men. It’s great that you actually have such a deep connection with your first love.

 However, we all come with baggage. In this case the baggage is an ex-girlfriend. I understand how frustrating this is and how heart-breaking it can be at times. Being with someone that has not fully recovered from his past relationship can be really difficult and of course, a great obstacle to the potential of your relationship. But, you have to understand that falling in love with someone for the first time is all too exciting and fresh, but this is not the case for him. And even though for you, the love scene might be a clean slate, it seems that he’s been around for a while before you showed up.  It’s only reasonable that he might be recovering from a past love, without this necessarily meaning that you are just a rebound. If he made you trust him and showed to you that you can rely on him, then I doubt that this is just something temporary and completely insignificant to him. I know it might be bothering you, but you need to talk to him about it… if this behavior doesn’t stop in a few months or so.

 You can get him to talk about her, if this will make you more comfortable with the situation. Personally, I never like opening the ‘ex-files’ with a current boyfriend, but this is not for everyone. If you ask more about her, for example how their relationship was, how they broke up or how long they were together then this might give you some indication of whether he will be able to get over her sometime soon. For example if the break up was amicable, then chances are he might still be heartbroken about her, but he will soon get over it because he agreed to the break up.

 I don’t think it’s selfish at all to want him to think about you… and only you. But, as I have argued elsewhere (see ‘Where does the love go?’), we are never really over our past relationships, we never really stop loving our ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. We are always, in a way, ‘haunted of spirits from relationships past’. What you need to do however, is not concentrate on how to make him forget her, but on how to make him love you more. You need to get closer to him in every way possible and make him your best friend as well as your lover. You see he will start ‘staring off into space’ a lot less and maybe take off the ring, place it in a drawer… he will not get rid of it though. Don’t expect that. He might keep the photograph as well. I always keep souvenirs of my past relationships, I never throw them away. I consider them a parting gift.  

All in all, you might not have the perfect relationship in your hands as it is, but if this is someone you really want, don’t throw it away. Talk to him about it if this behavior does not stop, but if you keep him close to you with every means possible, then you will see that things will change without opening the ‘ex-files’. Just keep in mind, that there is a time limit. If you see that a few months have gone by and you still feel like the rebound, then there is something wrong, and you might need to face the possibility that walking away might be the only solution. But until then, give him some time to heal and recover… because if you think about it, aren’t we all recovering from something…. Drugs, alcohol, OCDs… past loves?

Hope this helped,

City Girl xox

What do you think? Did I give the right advice? Do you agree with me or do you think she should just walk away now before things get even more complicated? I'd love to hear your response on this!

This is going to be a long post, I have a lot to say on the subject and this doesn’t even cover everything!

I wanted to write this post for some time now, but I felt I wasn’t ready for it. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to tell people how to get over their break ups, given the fact that I haven’t properly gotten over mine yet and I don’t know when I will. But I know that I’m on a good way. I really hope this post helps some of you since I know that many of you are going through this and I know firsthand how much it sucks. This is a very recent story and one that still breaks my heart, but it was about time I tell you how I deal(t) with my breakup and hopefully it will be a wakeup call for some of you, as it was for me.

 You probably know my recent stories up to now, and how I came to feel heartbroken (if not see Just sex… or something more? and Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you). My break up became official around a month ago at 3.30 in the morning… through Skype! I know it sucks, but when you live an ocean away this is the only way to go. That night I cried myself to sleep until 5.30 in the morning, I woke up around 7.30 and cried myself to sleep all over again. This pattern was repeated every hour until 12 at noon when I finally woke up with swollen eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed so I switched off my cell phone and got under the covers for the next two days. I only got up for a trip to the fridge and then back again. I cried myself to sleep and drowned in my own thoughts. Two days later I decided it was about time to take some drastic action. I was about to exchange my old guy for three new ones: Jack, Ben & Jerry. Such a cliché right? But if it worked for so many others it would work for me as well! So I got up, threw a coat on top of my pyjamas and dragged my feet to the nearest supermarket. When I made it to the cashier with two cartons of Chunky Monkey and a bottle of whisky, some crisps and a few other delicacies the man behind the till looked down at my to-be purchases, looked up at my poor sense of fashion and my swollen eyes and said: “You know this won’t bring him back”…. And SNAP! What had just happened? I was speechless… there it was, pity from the man behind the till at my local store; Pity from someone who didn’t even know me. That was the last straw, I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself anymore or make anyone else feel sorry for me. I rushed back home and decided to become a human being again: I took a shower, put on some proper clothes and threw the overused pajamas in the wash, changed bed sheets (god knows how much that was needed after two days of literally living in my sheets!). Note that this by no means ceased the pain that I felt: but the world wouldn’t stop spinning for my grief and life didn’t stop there! I decided that if I need to get through this I needed to put my restlessness into something healthier. I threw myself into work straight away: I worked 16 hours a day, was ahead at every module at university and attended all my classes. I couldn’t stop working for even an hour because the minute I did I would choke on my tears. I realize that my method wasn’t that healthy but at least it was healthier than eating up two cartons of Chunky Monkey and downing a bottle of whisky while feeling sorry for myself at the same time.

 I know how break ups are: did I want to talk to him? Yes every minute of every day. Did I talk to him: embarrassingly yes I tried. Not because I thought it would change something but because it would give me some kind of closure. He was someone I used to talk to every day, about everything and about anything. It was unbelievably hard to just shut him down. But I learnt to deal with the pain that came with a heartbreak: it’s unbelievably painful, sometimes it hurts so much you can literally feel the pain physically, you feel like you are body is collapsing and you choke on air, you have to stop your mind from wandering off otherwise your tears will drop down your cheeks, it’s unbelievably hard to talk about your feelings to anyone and to expect them to understand. Sometimes you don’t even want to talk about it because if you do, it means that it really happened.  Every now and then my friends still ask: ‘Do you feel better?’ and my response is always the same: ‘No but I got used to it’. It is my personal belief that we don’t ever get over our past loves. We still love them but somehow, with the passage of time, we learn to deal with the pain and get used to it: after all, time is the best cure.

 That was my personal break up story, and of course I’m still not over it. The pain and the tears might not be that bad now but they are still there… and I know it will take a long time to get over them. I still go on with my life and I feel more and more like myself every day. I’m not ready to start dating though, even though I met a great guy, who has been amazing from the very first day I met him. I will probably write about him soon, but he’s the type of guy that Nathan was (See After how much pain do we become 'emotionally unavailable'?).

 There are numerous post-break up behaviors that many of you are going through and it can be different from mine, but still unhealthy:

Sixteen year old boys are not usually known for discussing their emotions with anyone- especially not their mother. So, I was pleasantly surprised when my son sent me a text message of a personal nature recently.  My son could be described as a late bloomer, and has just recently started dating a young lady.  They went to homecoming together, and, according to his text message to me, he kissed her there for the first time.  When I asked him how it was, his reply brought tears to my eyes: “better than ice cream”. My tears were not only for his innocent romanticism, but also because I can foresee the awful heartbreak that is inevitably coming his way.

 Heartbreak sucks.  I remember my first like it was yesterday (see Dear Thirteen Year Old Me), and it still stings a bit to remember almost thirty years later.  The sad thing is that I know there is nothing I can do to prepare him for what is coming, just as I was unprepared to have my heart broken again recently (see Psycho-Chicks and the Men that Create Them). I know that break ups are part of life, and that enduring them is the only way to grow stronger, but, the mom in me knows that I’m going to have to be restrained from killing this girl when she hurts my boy. (Disclaimer in case she dies in some mysterious manner- I’m not guilty and I’m sure I have an alibi!)

 But, break-ups don’t always have to be so awful.  Here, I list some of the not-so-heartbreaking reasons that my relationships have ended:

So, there you have it. For every heartbreaking reason that a relationship ends, there could be a more ridiculous reason than you have ever considered. And, I wonder why I’m single….

  Cynical would definitely not be at the top of my list when I talk about dating. However, after waking up one morning and finding myself amongst the ‘Top 10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs Of the Year’, I have to admit it got me thinking a lot! Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to find myself in that list; however I can’t help wondering: Are we becoming cynical without realizing it? Let’s face it; we are living in an era where romance has already died! Personally I think that if someone offers me their seat on the bus it’s romantic; on the other hand, if someone was waiting for me at home with candles and a bunch of rose petals saying ‘I Love You’ I would probably find it too cheesy, fake, pretentious, and the list goes on and on. Ok, yes that makes me cynical… but can you blame me? How often do we find the knight on the white horse, the perfect guy, our Mr. Dreamy? I’m just being realistic!

  Personally, heartbreak after heartbreak, I learnt not to expect too much from men, because more often than not, I get disappointed! Have a look through my past dating failures: Mat never broke up with his girlfriend (Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?), Nick is happily married (Can you fall in love with twopeople at the same time ? and  Do we need to change to be in a relationship), Chris ended up dating 9 girls in 3 weeks (When is it too soon to get excited?), and so on. Of course you will probably say ‘that’s because you still haven’t met the right guy’, and you are probably right… but until then, I’ll keep thinking of the person that give up their seats for me as Prince Charming!

 

  

  I don’t know if cynicism is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I’d say it makes us more realistic, we learn to not trust people easily (and that’s a hard-learnt lesson!), to be cautious before placing our heart in the hands of someone who blurted ‘I love you’ way too soon but on the other hand, we dismiss everything way too soon, and one day we might actually do the same thing with the right person! Maybe I was too cynical when I broke up with Nathan (After how much pain do we become emotionallyunavailable? ), just because he was too nice, because he said ‘I want to make you happy’ whenever I asked what he wanted out of our relationship, but I just couldn’t help it. Maybe we are programmed to think that unless there are some obstacles in our relationship, love life or dating then it is not real. I’m starting to think that we create a certain addiction to the pain we go through when someone breaks our hearts but we still hang on to him and it is that pain that makes us cynical, realistic, and pessimistic.

      

   However, having said all that, I think there’s something incredible about someone who is optimistic about what the future holds, someone who knows that her Prince Charming is out there, even if she has to kiss a lot of frogs before finding him. There are some people like that who brighten up our life and pass on to us their positive energy… if only I was one of them. I do believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don’t believe in fairytales anymore, and I don’t trust people easily, which is not a bad thing, in my opinion… So yes, I am cynical after all, and might I add: proud of it!

I would love to know what you think though, am I cynical? Are you cynical? And what do you think of the blog making it to the ‘10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs’ of the year? COMMENT below and tell me what you think! 

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  Love is selfish. I know it’s hard to hear, and you are probably thinking that loving someone is the least selfish thing you can do: you give them all you have, you sometimes change for them, and you compromise and want to make them happy. All this is true, but really, do you do all that for him or for you? You may change everything about you, but you still wouldn't do it for the sake of the other person, you would do it for the way you feel when you are with him. You love him because he makes you feel in a certain inexplicable, unimaginable, magical way – and that is perfectly fine. However, in a relationship, we draw our lines and expect someone to love us in a specific way and love us ‘under some certain conditions’: Don’t cheat on us, love only us, treat us in a certain way, etc etc. And this is all rational…. But what happens when you love someone the way he wants you to love him? Can you love someone so unconditionally that you give him everything he wants, any time he wants so that he can be happy, regardless of your own feelings? Can we put someone else above ourselves?

 My story with Mat is by now very well known (see Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?), and even though is towards its end, every once in a while I can’t help thinking: how different things would be if I was willing to love Mat the way he wanted me to? For those of you that don’t know yet, Mat has a girlfriend now, and I asked him to break up with her otherwise we are over. Of course he didn't break up, and Mat and I are history now. However… was I able to love Mat the way he wanted me to love him? Was I able to put him above myself? To do that, it would require to accept him being in another relationship and be with him when he wanted me to and the way he wanted me to. It would mean putting my needs and wants aside to make him happy. I would have to compromise with being the other woman, not complain and still be there for him for when he wanted me to. It sounds harsh on me, but loving someone so unselfishly means that you would be happy just because he would be! Happiness wouldn't be something that you would acquire based on how much the other person gave you (emotionally and/or materially) but based on how much the other person was getting from you –seeing them happy would make you happy and content. It probably sounds completely irrational right now, but pause for a minute and think about it. How many times did you feel bad because your loved one was sad or upset? How many times did that bring you down and upset you? And during those times, you would probably give up whatever you were doing (Even if you were out with friends ) and go to him to make him feel better? That is giving him love without expecting something in return, just because you love them. The kind of unconditional love I’m talking about takes this to a whole different extent. The irrationality of this love puts the other person above and beyond you throughout the relationship.

  Just to make this clear, I was never able to do this throughout a relationship, but for a short while I put Mat above me and my needs and wants. I accepted him being in another relationship and was there the way he wanted me to be there. Mat was going through a rough patch this past few months, regarding a lot of things in his life and the last thing I wanted was to upset him even more with the fact that I wanted him to break up with his girlfriend. So I decided that for those few months I would put him above me and be there for him without making his life even more difficult. I was the first person he would turn to when he needed to talk to someone about something. There were times when he was upset or angry about something and took it out on me, but I knew it would blow away so I was patient. He would come back and apologize immediately of course, but somehow the fact that I could make him feel better, just by being there; talking to him, holding him (even though he didn't belong to me) was enough for the moment. I was content with making him happy and when those feelings of anger and sadness (because I didn't have him for myself) sneaked in, I would hide them well and he would rarely see how upset I was. Now you are thinking: what kind of a relationship was it if you weren't happy but you pretended to be? And you are absolutely right. But a person that is willing to do this throughout a relationship is someone that, in my opinion, deserves to be respected and admired. They managed to put someone else’s happiness above their own; they were happy simply because their other half was. How many of us can say as much?

  Even though I love Mat with all of my heart, I know I will never be able to love someone the way they want me to love them. My love will always have a selfish side… the side where I want them to love me in a certain way and not give up everything for them. But even though I know myself well and the fact that I will never be able to love someone in such a way, I can’t help wondering once in a while: Would I have kept Mat with me if I loved him in such a way?... And if not forever, would I even be able to postpone, or even avoid, the heartache I’m feeling now that everything is over? Could I love him unconditionally? Because if unconditional love does exist, in my opinion, is something very similar to the love I described above.

I would be very interested to read your opinions on this, in the comment section below. Let me know what unconditional love is for you or if you ever experienced something similar to what I have described. CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and never miss an update!! 

I never stopped asking myself: ‘What happens after we break up?’ It seems somehow irrational because the logical answer would be ‘you move on and find someone else to love’… But can we love everyone the same?  To put it differently… Can you love your next boyfriend the same way you love(d) your ex? And this raises an even bigger question… Do we even stop loving someone even after the relationship has ended?

 Most of us have probably lived through a ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cant-live-without-each-other love… and for many of us this has ended. For the second time throughout my blog’s history I am going to narrate someone else’s story.  Hannah and I have been living together for a year now and I can say with a lot of certainty that I know her well by now. She is one of the most disciplined people I know, including emotional discipline as well. That’s one thing I admire about her; seriously, how many of us can say as much! When she broke up with her boyfriend of two years (Steve) she said to me: ‘I gave myself one whole day to cry and get over him’… and just like that she was over him! I couldn’t believe my eyes; when I’m going through a break up I can cry for days and days, not get out of the house for weeks and probably the idea of eating the entire content of my fridge would seem inevitable. Even if I give myself some time limit to get over someone I know I don’t work this way; I would probably suppress my tears and then choke on them when I least expect it! Anyhow, that’s how Hannah is and I admire her for that. She didn’t take long to move on, within a month she was with someone else and she has been with him for the past year and a half. She is in one of those kind of relationships that each and every one of us would love to be in: they fight like siblings, laugh like best friends and love each other. Whenever we spoke of her ex she would always say that she cares about him but what they had is over and they would never get back together. All in all Hannah has the kind of relationships we wish we had; but we end up with bittersweet memories, broken hearts that take forever to fall back together and ex boyfriends that become strangers… We never know what happened to the love we had with that person.

 However, one late night somewhere between confession time between the two friends Hannah told me: ‘ I see Steve sometimes… is it weird that I still feel attracted to him?’  Knowing Hannah for the past two years I have to say that this was something I never expected to hear from her.  I recall her asking ‘I’m with someone else, I shouldn’t be attracted to my ex… right?’ This was a question I wasn’t ready to answer for myself, let alone for someone else. How much do we get over someone after we break up? And, dear I say it, do we ever get over our past loves or are we haunted forever by spirits of relationships past? Did I ever get over Nick? (Can you fall in love with two people at the same time? and  Do we need to change to be in a relationship?) Do I love Mat the same way I love(d) Nick? Just like Hannah had to see Steve again to realize that the love she had for him never went away, I had to run into Nick to feel the same thing. When I run into Nick this summer I realized that even though we are over I’m always going to love him and care about him; he would always have a place in my heart and even though he will soon be married to someone else, I sincerely hope he is happy. So I might not be over him afterall, and Hannah might not be over Steve… Maybe we are never over our great loves, but as time goes by we get used to living without them and love them from somewhere afar. I guess getting over someone just means learning to live with the wounds they left you with when they departed and then find the strength to move on. So maybe we are indeed haunted by spirits of relationships past but we choose to move on, because it’s the right thing to do. We give them a part of our heart to keep forever, but learn to survive with what’s left of it.

 After I talked to Hannah again, I realized that the answer she was looking for was simply ‘there’s nothing wrong with still loving someone you’ve been with for so long simply because now you are with someone else’. 

 Earlier this afternoon, while I was contemplating on the subject I asked Kate for her opinion and realized she had a different point of view on the subject: ‘I guess you can stop loving someone, depending on the way the relationship ended. If he cheated on you it’s normal to just move on and get over him’. I, on the other hand, have a completely different opinion on this: It doesn’t matter how a relationship has ended, once some time has gone by and your anger has subsided you realize that even through the betrayal you feel, the love is still there and it always will be. You might never get over the fact that he cheated on you, but you won’t get over him either… it will just be a bittersweet memory. Which one of the two do you agree with? And do you think we actually ever get over someone and stop loving them? Where does the love go… Does it ever vanish? COMMENT and let me know your thoughts on the subject. CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and keep up with all the updates! 

  

 I have to admit that one of the main reasons for not posting so often is the fact that I have been in a mess for the past one and a half months. Frankly being a dating blogger and giving so many advices on dating should mean that I know what I’m saying, but when it comes to this post… I honestly don’t know where I’m standing. But, I realized that I can make my mistakes over and over again, and still learn from them each time… so I’m about to tell you about another of my big mistakes.

  It’s been about a month and a half since I came back home for summer holidays and naturally I had to dive into yet another love-story-gone-wrong.  I hope you remember Mat (if not then see, Just sex… Or something more?), because Mat turned out to be the highlight of this summer’s love failure. Of course he had to call me as soon as I came back, I was expecting that; what I wasn’t expecting was the fact that I ran to him as soon as he called! I should have known better, I’ve been down that road before! And I could sense trouble from the very first time that we met up… once you develop feelings for your fuck buddy things go wrong…. Wait a minute, scratch that: once you develop feelings for someone who is in a relationship things are bound to go wrong! Yes, you heard that one well: Mat is now in a relationship! So what on earth am I doing with him? I guess when you fall in love with someone reason has no part in the whole process. And so meet up we did, but this time I wasn’t going to put up with him being in a relationship… That’s another thing I’ve done before and I’m not willing to go through that pain again… So I chose to give him an ultimatum: "You leave her or I leave you". It wasn’t so simple though: I was going over and over it in my mind for weeks and when I finally said it, it was more like begging than threatening…  The thing is, I’m not one to threaten because when it comes to telling someone to leave their girlfriend: either he lives her and then at every little obstacle he just brings up the topic and you are the bitch that made him leave his girlfriend or he doesn’t, and then you are the bitch that wanted him to leave his girlfriend… either way it’s never a good thing. However, this time I had to tell Mat to leave her, mostly because it hurts me too much…. It’s excruciating imagining that he’s with someone else when he’s not with me, when I know that he won’t go out with me because he’s  scared of someone seeing us together or when we have to meet him in the middle of the night when it’s too late for his girlfriend to show up uninvited. Of course you would think: anyone in their right mind would never get into this mess in the first place… but then again, how many of you have fallen in love and followed what your brain said instead of your heart?

 Even though I did the unforgivable: asking him to leave his girlfriend (honestly what right do I have breaking up two people? But to my defense: a) he’s been thinking to break up for a while and b) I fell so in love with him it seemed like the only possible solution..) I knew how it should be played in order to maximize my chances of winning him over: no pressure, give him time, make him miss you, be positive, show him you care… And actually I did that.. for the first three weeks! After that I started getting impatient, asking him more often, pressuring him… and even though I tried to hide it I used to cry almost every day for him, I would lock myself in my room and just cry my eyes out until my eyes burnt and I had literally ran out of tears. Looking back at it now: Was he actually worth so many tears? Did I let my desire to live with him what I missed all the while I was away get bigger than him? Did he disappoint me, not because of his own fault, but because of my vast expectations? Relationship or no relationship, and regardless his feelings for me, Mat was never available for a relationship with me… and I wasn’t either.

 It’s been almost  6 weeks since I asked him to break up with his girlfriend and he still hasn’t decided… By now I know he won’t leave her, I just can’t bring myself to tell him that I want to ‘break up’ with him once and for all. Mostly I’m just staying here to confirm my suspicion that he won’t leave her… If I back up now and later on he decides to live her, I will be devastated. Even though I know the things he’s contemplating right now, I can tell you with absolute certainty the reasons why he (and most other men) will never leave their girlfriend for me (or anyone else out there that hopes the same as I do):

1.  Habit: even if he’s not head over heels with her, you have to give her credit for the one thing she offers him what you don’t : certainty! Men are creatures of habit, if they are used to her and they can live their life without much trouble with her, then why leave her? Leaving her and starting a new relationship with you (or me in this case) would cost them much more effort than just being with her and having an affair on the side with you as well. He will never leave the certainty of his girlfriend and dive into the unknown with us, no matter how much we want to believe in fairy tales.

2.  He can have you both, why bother changing that: Like they say, he can have his cake and eat it too! If he can juggle you both, why would he leave one? It just doesn’t make sense! Why would he change anything when everything is perfect? He doesn’t feel guilty, he can have his affair and then go back to his girlfriend and his friends! He has everything for granted, he will never dream of changing anything.

3. His friends: In my case this is a huuuuge factor. His current girlfriend is good friends with many of his friends. And the girlfriends of his friends. If he broke up with her and jumped into a relationship with me then he would be the jerk that left the good girl… and of course I would be the bitch that made them break up. This is another issue that I’m not sure I would be ready to deal with (when the time is right I promise to write a post on how to handle his friends). But I know this much: I love him enough to give it a go!

 Even though I know all the reasons he won’t leave her, I am just staying here, in desperate hope that he will find one reason to beat all of the above and choose me over her. I’m reaching for the stars here, aren’t I? (CLICK HERE to find out what happens with Mat when the next update comes up!) I know it’s hopeless, but once again I know I’ll have my heart in pieces and I can’t do anything to stop that. My only choice is to leave him before he does… not that it’s going to hurt any less. It’s like I’m watching a car crash happening in slow motion and I can’t do anything to stop it! Sometimes I have to swallow back my tears when I’m with him and I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs whenever he kisses my forehead.. And it’s all the little things that drive me crazy.. All the little things that I’m going to have to learn to do without.  All in all, now you know the whole story. I’m not sure what you’ve learn from it and I’m not sure what I’ve learnt either… but I’m not going to lose hope: Everything happens for a reason… right? If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the whole situation please comment and let me know, I’m a bit lost as you can see. Tell me about any similar experiences you may have had as well, and please if anyone out there knows someone who left their girlfriends for the woman he was in an affair with please let me know! I need to know if such men actually exist! CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and learn first how it turns out with Mat. Also follow me on bloglovin’ to read the posts as soon as they come up! 

NOTE: Due to the high popularity of this article, I just published a follow up: 'Being the other Woman'. Click on it to read it if you can relate! 
Comment and let me know what you think and how you feel! :) 

  

  Let me just say, from the very beginning, that when it come to this question I’m an absolute NO NO NO! However, there seems to be a great debate whether a couple can break up and still remain friends. Many people would tell me ‘Yes, it’s perfectly possible’, so after I broke up with Garrick, a guy I used to be in a (rather short) relationship with, I decided that I could try to remain friends with him, even if I never really thought it would be possible… Well, I was right, it was a complete disaster!

  I met Garrick through a group of common friends about a year after I came to London. He was a nice guy and we immediately hit it off. We had a nice relationship for as long as it lasted, it was easy going and laid back, we had fun, not very serious. It all lasted about five months. Garrick was a nice, easy going guy, a great laugh and the kind of person you would love to have with you on a night out in town.  We would go out for drinks, dinner, dancing or stay in with good food and a movie and we would still have a great time! Even though I very much liked Garrick we broke up about 5 months later due to too much fighting. We decided to break it off before it was too late and all the good memories were replaced from our fights. I was quite sad after it ended, but I knew it was for the best. And then I made the oh so unforgivable mistake of suggesting we stay friends! Seriously, what was I thinking? I knew it would be a disaster the minute I heard the words come out of my mouth!

I always knew why two people are not meant to be friends after they break up. For some unknown reason though I decided that maybe it could work out. Well, every single theory I had about why two people should never be friends after they break up, came out to be true (surprise surprise!!). Firstly, being friends with someone should be easy, effortless and not awkward and complicated. Every time Garrick and I decided to meet up as friends, even with other friends around, it was just plain awkward. We would exchange a couple of words and then look the other way or start fidgeting nervously. The most extensive conversation we would have would be about the weather or my studies or his work, but that was about it. And of course we would never look each other straight in the eyes.  Besides the whole awkwardness, for me being friends with an ex is basically like being together, but without sex. If the relationship was never very serious and it was more like an easy going fun relationship where you just like to spend time with each other, but not live together (like my relationship with Garrick), then nothing changes besides the fact that you are not having sex anymore.

 Another reason for opposing the ‘friends with an ex’ situation is the fact that you might ‘slip’ once and sleep with them again! Now, just to be sure that this is definitely a reason for NOT being friends with an ex, I had to test my luck there as well; so when one night we went out with a group of friends and Garrick happened to be there, after one too many drinks we ended up back at my place… just the two of us. We both realized what a big mistake that was the next morning, but by then it was too late. Now, there are two reasons of why you should never have sex with an ex: if it’s good then you are reminded of what you lost and you just start missing him and possibly wanting to get back together. And if it’s bad, well you just had sex with an ex, which makes you seem the sad girlfriend that can’t get over him. When guys do it though, it’s never considered to be much of a deal. If anything, it gives them credit for ‘winning the girl’ all over again.  

 And of course, there is always the matter of jealousy! What happens when one of the two meets someone else? Will you get jealous? Will you be fine with it? And let’s say that maybe, just maybe, you have absolutely no problem with him dating someone else; how much more complicated would that make the friendship between you two? And worse of the worst, will you be able to talk about their new relationship like friends are supposed to? I really don’t have an answer for that, because Garrick and I decided that being friends wasn't a good idea after we slept together that night. I wish him the best and hope he is happy, but not keeping contact with him was the best decision for both of us!  

  It is my personal belief that a break up between two people comes about because they need their distance from each other, they need time for themselves. If two people remain friends after they break up then nothing changes. Even though it is clear to me how two former lovers can never remain friends, when it comes to relationships, I couldn't help but wonder: why is it that it’s possible to turn a friendship into a relationship, but not do the reverse? Maybe it’s nature’s twisted way of making us push some people out of our lives in order to let new ones in; or maybe it’s the fact that if you broke up with someone to begin with then you know he’s no good for you, so you choose not to have him in your life! Whatever the reason is however, you should know that being friends with an ex might be good in theory, it might also seem easy when it first starts, but it’s always an excuse to keep someone next to you that you are not ready to let go off – someone that you know you can’t work it out with so you choose the next best thing in order to keep them next to you. Unfortunately, it never turns out to be good news!!

 Did you manage to stay friends with an ex? Did you make an attempt and failed? Comment and let me know! Also don’t forget to contact me with your own stories that I can use for future posts at livefornow1992@gmail.com.

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