Dating is all too exciting and fun: text messaging each other every now and then, going out to new places and those first few kisses… but what happens when you start feeling those first jitters of actually liking someone? After how long is it normal to start liking someone? These are the stories of me and my most recent dating experience and Vivi's story. Having two completely contradictory experiences got me thinking on timing and feelings... where do we draw the boundaries between being naive and being cynical?

  I started going out with Gabriel about two weeks ago, after talking to him for a week before that. I haven’t been in the dating game for a long time; I spent a long time in an emotional mess with Mat and it took me a few good months to get over that as well. So the moment I decided to start dating again I never thought that I would actually like someone. I remember telling Sarah “Even if I want to find someone to like in such a short time after breaking it off with Mat, I don’t think I can. I’ve been through so much with him that I think I’m emotionally exhausted and it’s impossible for me to get into anything new for a long time”. After I went out with Gabriel for the second time, I knew I started liking him. This hasn’t happened to me in a long time; in fact last time this happened to me I was slapped back into reality when I found out he went on nine dates in three weeks (see When is it too soon to get excited?). That was when I realized I was naïve and decided to never do that again. Even though is all too nice to start liking someone after so much time, I can’t help but wonder: when is it too soon to like someone? Two weeks before I started seeing Gabriel, my friend Vivi started seeing Aaron. She went on a number of dates with him and she even spent the night with him, but even after that she still wasn’t sure how she felt. I recall her telling to me: “I should have known how I feel about him by now right? He said he likes me and I had to say I’m not sure yet, give me some time..” After listening to my friend’s story I felt even more naïve for liking someone so quickly. I guess after all the disappointment I’ve been through with Mat, I don’t want to be disappointed again.

 This afternoon I had a long conversation with Vivi, who told me that she broke it off with Aaron, because if she didn’t like him after a month of going out, she never would. I thought it was the right thing to do, but I couldn’t get the whole thing out of my mind for the rest of the day: we throw away guys because we think that a month is too long to decided whether we like them or not and we are scared because we start liking someone in less than a month…. Where do we draw the line? Is there a time limit that you are supposed to decided whether you like them or not, or is it gut instinct? Where do we draw the line between being cynical and being naive?

 As much as we try, I don’t think anyone can define or put a limit on their feelings. You don’t feel something because you have to; it’s not rational and most of the time our feelings just appear at the worst possible timing. I never thought that I would like someone after Mat, at least for a year or so, but I have and no one is to say this is wrong or not. You don’t need to try to decide what you feel because it’s about time you do, just like Vivi did, and you don’t need to feel naïve because you like someone too early, just like I did. After thinking about it, even Vivi had to admit “It’s not about time, it’s about how intense it feels to be with the other person” and she is right. At the end of the day, maybe I am naïve and maybe Vivi was too cynical as well. Maybe I’m about to have yet another disappointment, but I don’t mind. People will let us down many times, whether we like it or not… so why shouldn’t it be the same when it comes to dating? We should just take our chances and even if we make mistakes, that’s the only way to learn… and who knows, you might be in for a nice surprise after all! 

Did you ever like someone too fast? How did it end up? Comment and let me know! 

Like my page of facebook for the latest updates: The Dating Diary of A City Girl

Follow me on twitter: @DatingCityGirl

 I was never one to date online. I never liked the idea of it. But after moving to London and realizing that online dating has become even more common than picking up guys at bars I realized that I needed to reconsider. If some of you have doubts about online dating, then I know what you are thinking: what if he’s not the guy on the photos from his profile? What if he’s dangerous? What if he gets disappointed when he sees me? And the list goes on and on. But, living in world where our lunch gets instangrammed and our broken heart gets promoted through sad quotes on everyone’s facebook newsfeed… why not date online as well? So after I met a happily married couple from an online dating website I thought I should give it a shot (Even if it doesn’t work out I would still do it in the name of research!).  I decided I would meet someone, chat them online and then meet up with them just to see how awkward online dating would be!

  It didn’t take long for me to get accustomed to the website (I won’t give a name, this is no promotion of any particular website) and from there on I started chatting guys up or they would start chatting me up. Truth is, I am picky and I see lots of mistakes while online dating, which I will soon make a post out of. So for me to start talking to guys it meant that I really liked what I saw and read and that they didn’t seem weird (which is extremely common when online dating!). I met Jacob about three weeks into online dating and it didn’t take long for us to start talking on a daily basis. After a week or so of online chatting we decided to exchange numbers and the conversation went on there, and I must say it was quite pleasant. I usually lose interest in guys an hour after I start talking to them (I know it’s really bad!). It wasn’t long until we decided to meet up. I said ok when he suggested a day but as the day got closer I got anxious and scared… what if he’s someone else? What if I’m in danger? What if he doesn’t like me and he turns around and walks away?... I was about to cancel on him because I was too scared but then I realized that it’s stupid and I might as well get it over with. 

 

However, you I need to emphasize that STRANGER DANGER IS REAL and you need to take precautions for that: meet at a public place and trust your instinct when it comes to these things. If your gut tells you that you are not safe with this person then go with it! Leave immediately! Besides that, the rest of the fears are usually a lot more superficial. 

 So we met up in a public place for a drink. At first it was a bit awkward and we shook hands and I felt like I was on a job interview… but then again every first date is like a job interview. We stayed for a couple of hours, trying to learn more about each other, but it was nothing remarkable. I would have forgotten the whole day if there wasn’t one little thing that freaked me out in a way. The guy lied about his ethnicity. When I asked where he was from he said he was English. I knew he didn't look English, but I didn’t question it. When we met up and started talking about families he mentioned where his family was from (I don’t want to mention it here, for privacy reasons) and he just said that he lived a long time in England. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with wherever he was from, but why lie about it? I wouldn’t care if he told me, but when I realized he lied about it, it put me off immediately. He walked me to the station when it was time to say goodbye and then it was the awkward moment… to kiss or not to kiss? I wasn’t sure if I liked him or not, but I thought ‘what’s one kiss?’ I didn’t know what he was thinking so I just leaned slightly forward and waited to see his reaction. He leaned in and kissed me goodnight, we said we would meet again soon and then we never spoke again.

 Now I realize that this is not a great story and there’s nothing remarkable about it, but that was just the first time I met up with someone through online dating, and I realized there’s nothing to fuss about. Later when more guys started chatting me up, I talked to someone that had gone on a lot of online dates and he said ‘it is just like meeting someone in a bar, it’s no big deal’… and I had to admit he was right! You wouldn’t blindly trust someone just because you met them once in a bar, and it’s the same with online dating. After all, if you meet up and you decide you don’t like them then find an excuse and run for your life (well not run for your life, but you get the idea!).

 Even though my story has nothing remarkable, and the kiss wasn’t even that good. Sarah met up with probably the best kisser in the world (according to her!). One late night, she told me over the phone “I couldn’t stand listening to him one more second so I had to shut him up… turns out I chose the right way to do it!!” The guy was self-obsessed and adored himself more than words can say, but at least he knew what to do with his hands and lips! They spent together an hour and a half and they were in lip-lock for the bulk of it! They barely talked to each other after that, but when Sarah decided she wanted to be in a lip-lock with him for another hour she received a reply: “I’ve been a little messy lately and prefer to be alone for a while..”. It’s acceptable that he may not want to meet up with her, but come on man! We all go through personal issues, but if she barely knows you; you better it keep it to yourself! Just say I’m busy or come up with another lame excuse… on the other hand, despite the awkward reply, you gotta give it to the guy: he was honest! So Sarah’s first online date wasn’t exactly a dream come true either, but that’s not the point here. The point is that both she and I overcame the fear of it and tried it. If you are one of those people that want to do it but are just too scared and too hesitant, say to yourself: What do I have to lose? Honestly, absolutely nothing. As long as you are safe and responsible, then give it a go and see where it goes. I didn’t meet prince charming, but a really close friend of mine did, and they’ve been happily married for over 5 years now. And even if you don’t meet ‘The One’, you’ll meet new people, maybe have a couple of laughs or maybe sit around and count the minutes until he’s gone, but it’s all part of the process. It’s all going to be an experience and something to look back at and laugh later on. Don’t let the ‘awkwardness of online dating’ hold you back! Give it a go and see what comes out of it.

 All in all, I didn’t meet up with Jacob again and I don’t online date that much anymore. Maybe I didn’t like Jacob, maybe he was nice and I’m just not ready to date again or maybe I’m not cut out for online dating… but at least now I know, I gave it a try and who knows I might go back to it sometime!

Did you have any experiences with online dating? Feel free to share them with me and tell me how it turned out!

Don’t forget to like my facebook page for the latest updates on my blog and much more!! 

  I recall, only a few years ago, that falling in love was never scary or intimidating. It was fun, it was easy and it was simple. Being with someone only meant hanging out with them more often than usual and the occasional make out session in secret places where no one would find us. When did it all stop being fun? When did fun turn into a slump and when did easy and simple turn into tears and heartache? One minute you can’t wait to fall in love because it’s just easy and joyous and the next you tread the moment you get attached to someone because you know the pain that follows!

 Looking back at my failed relationships I only saw one heartache followed by yet another, greater one. But a few years ago, if I was to break up with someone it wasn’t a big deal. It was a ‘let’s stay friends’ and then no one kept in touch but it was just fine!  A few years ago, when I met my friend Javier, I realized that love doesn’t have to be complicated and difficult. He had been through a lot in his life, but then he was happily married and in love. He had it all. He was my role model. However, when one day, about three months ago, he told me that he and his partner were ‘taking a break’ I was shaken to the core! I realized that no matter how much we love each other, it’s never going to get easier. Not even after 6 years of living with each other! Love is always going to take effort and pain to make it work. ‘I love him, I really do… But it just got so hard’, I recall him telling me one day over coffee. I know he does, but that didn’t stop me from wondering: Does the pain and heartache we feel over someone ever go away or do they just get greater the more we love that person? For me, Javier was always the person that had all the answers and could use reason better than any of us could. But ‘taking a break’ is a sign that something went very wrong. I remember when ‘break’ used to be a good thing: coffee break, spring break. Now it’s just ‘break up’, ‘break down’…

 I just can’t help wondering: when did it all change? Did the pain come with age? It used to be phone conversations until 4 in the morning, now it’s just a girl crying over a phone with a half-empty bottle of ‘Jack Daniels’ wishing him to call. It used to be silly giggles and stupid jokes and now it’s bad sarcasm and tears we try so hard to hide! I still wonder why I still cry myself to sleep every night over Mat, with tears that no one will ever be allowed to see, but I was more than willing to trade any old boyfriend for anything more exciting that came my way without even second guessing it! Was my life better then? Why does it feel different now? Why does it feel like I’m choking on air every time I remember him? We didn’t even have many good memories together, but somehow I was happy to throw away boyfriends that offered me nothing but fond memories! Did I get off track somewhere? Did we all get bored with the happy endings and decided to trade in ‘Prince Charming’ for ‘Jesus of Suburbia’? Why can’t we just be happy?

  And if we do accept that the laughs and jokes are meant to be replaced by heartache and tears as we get older… do we ever get used to it? Or, horror of horrors, do we even choose it? Do we become addicted to the exquisite pain that comes with wanting someone so much that your heart literally aches? Do we need the pain to reassure us that we are actually in love and fear living without the one we want? Maybe we are designed to believe that unless we feel the pain and cry ourselves to sleep night after night over the same person, then we don’t really know how to love. No one said relationships don’t take effort… but do they really have to take so much?

  And last but not least, why does ‘falling out love’ mean feeling hollow? We used to fall out of love and go on with our lives as if nothing had happened. Now we fall out of love and we feel empty. No tears, no feelings, no memories… it’s all blank. Where did all the feelings go? I’m starting to feel that maybe there’s a certain amount of love, tears and pain that we allowed to feel or shed for each person and once we cross that limit then maybe it all just goes blank. Maybe after having felt a tremendous amount of pain that comes from love ourselves need to feel nothing for some time before going back to normal again.

 So maybe we are designed to feel the pain and the tears to learn from love. We need to live through the bad in order to appreciate the better things that will come our way…. Because after all, good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place.

COMMENT and tell me your experiences on how your feelings have changed when falling in love over the years. Tell me what you’ve learnt or what you felt.

Don’t forget to like my facebook page for all my latest updates!!! 

Dear Dating-City-Girl,

I’ve been in this relationship for two years and the first year or so was the best of my life. He adored me and never hesitated to show me, he talked to me like my best friend, loved me like a boyfriend and protected me like I was a child. Of course we had our ups and downs, but in general he was everything I was looking for. Our relationship was fiery and full of passion. However, during the last 5 months or so something changed. It’s weird saying this because we are still together and if I ask anyone they will say that we are still the same as we were a year ago. But I can feel the changes; maybe they are perceptible only to me. And it’s all the little things. I don’t feel like he loves me as before. I feel him drifting away. He never holds me anymore, he never kisses my forehead, he never caresses my hair… I know it seems stupid, but I can feel him emotionally drifting away. I want to find a way for him to love me like he used to. I’m still the same, I haven’t changed and I still love him the same, I can’t afford to lose him, even though I can feel like he doesn’t love me as before and we are heading towards a break up. He never said anything, but I feel it coming.. What do you think I should do? How can I get him to love me like he used to? I don’t want to lose him…

Looking forward to your response,

Crazy-In-Love

Dear Crazy-In-Love,

  Thank you for your question and I know how bad that feels! I also know that sometimes you might feel like you are going crazy, because nothing changes when you see it as an outsider, but you know, deep inside, everything changed! A bump in the road is never good, but this sounds like a lot more than a bump. There’s something wrong here, but he won’t let you know what’s going on. You should brace yourself for all possible answers. To begin with, I’m not going to tell you to go talk to him about it and solve it together.. You don’t need me to tell you this, you probably either tried to talk to him about it and he said you’re crazy, or you just know that if you do try to talk to him about it that’s what’s going to happen.  So what you need to do, is try to win him back all over again. You said in your email to me that he protected you as if you were a child… and from my experience that’s the key to most successful relationships. I know it sounds a bit weird, but what you need to do here is get that back. It is in men’s nature to be the ‘protectors’. There’s nothing more of a confirmation to their manhood than a girl showing that she needs them in order to be safe. Don’t confuse this with being needy however! You need to ‘play with his buttons’ and make him feel like you need him, but not don’t asphyxiate him. He needs his space, but you have to show him that he can have that, but that you are there too; that you need him to keep you safe, to make you whole. If he gets to feel this again, then you’ll start winning him back all over again.

 Now even though my proposed solution is somewhat hard, it will only work if the relationship is just in a slump, and not if something is vitally wrong! So what else can be going wrong? Well, you might need to face the fact that that type of behavior is attributed to the fact that he might be cheating. I’m definitely not saying he is!! But if he’s involved with someone else, then this might explain his more distant behavior. Maybe he feels guilty, so he avoids it, or he started having feelings for someone else and is distancing himself from you; in which case, you might need to understand that appealing to his protective side won’t work here. I don’t suggest that you ask him if he’s cheating, because the chances are very slim and you might worsen the situation as well. But this should be something you should keep at the back of your mind and look for other signs of cheating, e.g. late working nights, smell of female perfume when he enters the house, unreturned phone calls, etc etc.

Finally, it might just be the case that he doesn’t love you as much anymore… I know it sucks, but sometimes it happens. And one of the greatest pains that someone can feel in a relationship is his love fading away, when you still love him the same! If that’s the case, then I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to win him back. If someone stops loving you, then it’s sad and hurts like hell, but you just have to face it.

If you are wondering what to do now, and how to know the reason behind his behavior, then I would suggest starting by appealing to his protective side, and take it from there. See how that goes and then just keep in mind to check for signs of cheating (if there are any…). If he just doesn’t love you anymore though, you’ll soon realize it.. I wish you the best of luck and I hope I helped

Lots of love,

Dating City Girl

                                xoxo