I never stopped asking myself: ‘What happens after we break up?’ It seems somehow irrational because the logical answer would be ‘you move on and find someone else to love’… But can we love everyone the same?  To put it differently… Can you love your next boyfriend the same way you love(d) your ex? And this raises an even bigger question… Do we even stop loving someone even after the relationship has ended?

 Most of us have probably lived through a ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cant-live-without-each-other love… and for many of us this has ended. For the second time throughout my blog’s history I am going to narrate someone else’s story.  Hannah and I have been living together for a year now and I can say with a lot of certainty that I know her well by now. She is one of the most disciplined people I know, including emotional discipline as well. That’s one thing I admire about her; seriously, how many of us can say as much! When she broke up with her boyfriend of two years (Steve) she said to me: ‘I gave myself one whole day to cry and get over him’… and just like that she was over him! I couldn’t believe my eyes; when I’m going through a break up I can cry for days and days, not get out of the house for weeks and probably the idea of eating the entire content of my fridge would seem inevitable. Even if I give myself some time limit to get over someone I know I don’t work this way; I would probably suppress my tears and then choke on them when I least expect it! Anyhow, that’s how Hannah is and I admire her for that. She didn’t take long to move on, within a month she was with someone else and she has been with him for the past year and a half. She is in one of those kind of relationships that each and every one of us would love to be in: they fight like siblings, laugh like best friends and love each other. Whenever we spoke of her ex she would always say that she cares about him but what they had is over and they would never get back together. All in all Hannah has the kind of relationships we wish we had; but we end up with bittersweet memories, broken hearts that take forever to fall back together and ex boyfriends that become strangers… We never know what happened to the love we had with that person.

 However, one late night somewhere between confession time between the two friends Hannah told me: ‘ I see Steve sometimes… is it weird that I still feel attracted to him?’  Knowing Hannah for the past two years I have to say that this was something I never expected to hear from her.  I recall her asking ‘I’m with someone else, I shouldn’t be attracted to my ex… right?’ This was a question I wasn’t ready to answer for myself, let alone for someone else. How much do we get over someone after we break up? And, dear I say it, do we ever get over our past loves or are we haunted forever by spirits of relationships past? Did I ever get over Nick? (Can you fall in love with two people at the same time? and  Do we need to change to be in a relationship?) Do I love Mat the same way I love(d) Nick? Just like Hannah had to see Steve again to realize that the love she had for him never went away, I had to run into Nick to feel the same thing. When I run into Nick this summer I realized that even though we are over I’m always going to love him and care about him; he would always have a place in my heart and even though he will soon be married to someone else, I sincerely hope he is happy. So I might not be over him afterall, and Hannah might not be over Steve… Maybe we are never over our great loves, but as time goes by we get used to living without them and love them from somewhere afar. I guess getting over someone just means learning to live with the wounds they left you with when they departed and then find the strength to move on. So maybe we are indeed haunted by spirits of relationships past but we choose to move on, because it’s the right thing to do. We give them a part of our heart to keep forever, but learn to survive with what’s left of it.

 After I talked to Hannah again, I realized that the answer she was looking for was simply ‘there’s nothing wrong with still loving someone you’ve been with for so long simply because now you are with someone else’. 

 Earlier this afternoon, while I was contemplating on the subject I asked Kate for her opinion and realized she had a different point of view on the subject: ‘I guess you can stop loving someone, depending on the way the relationship ended. If he cheated on you it’s normal to just move on and get over him’. I, on the other hand, have a completely different opinion on this: It doesn’t matter how a relationship has ended, once some time has gone by and your anger has subsided you realize that even through the betrayal you feel, the love is still there and it always will be. You might never get over the fact that he cheated on you, but you won’t get over him either… it will just be a bittersweet memory. Which one of the two do you agree with? And do you think we actually ever get over someone and stop loving them? Where does the love go… Does it ever vanish? COMMENT and let me know your thoughts on the subject. CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and keep up with all the updates! 

  

 I have to admit that one of the main reasons for not posting so often is the fact that I have been in a mess for the past one and a half months. Frankly being a dating blogger and giving so many advices on dating should mean that I know what I’m saying, but when it comes to this post… I honestly don’t know where I’m standing. But, I realized that I can make my mistakes over and over again, and still learn from them each time… so I’m about to tell you about another of my big mistakes.

  It’s been about a month and a half since I came back home for summer holidays and naturally I had to dive into yet another love-story-gone-wrong.  I hope you remember Mat (if not then see, Just sex… Or something more?), because Mat turned out to be the highlight of this summer’s love failure. Of course he had to call me as soon as I came back, I was expecting that; what I wasn’t expecting was the fact that I ran to him as soon as he called! I should have known better, I’ve been down that road before! And I could sense trouble from the very first time that we met up… once you develop feelings for your fuck buddy things go wrong…. Wait a minute, scratch that: once you develop feelings for someone who is in a relationship things are bound to go wrong! Yes, you heard that one well: Mat is now in a relationship! So what on earth am I doing with him? I guess when you fall in love with someone reason has no part in the whole process. And so meet up we did, but this time I wasn’t going to put up with him being in a relationship… That’s another thing I’ve done before and I’m not willing to go through that pain again… So I chose to give him an ultimatum: "You leave her or I leave you". It wasn’t so simple though: I was going over and over it in my mind for weeks and when I finally said it, it was more like begging than threatening…  The thing is, I’m not one to threaten because when it comes to telling someone to leave their girlfriend: either he lives her and then at every little obstacle he just brings up the topic and you are the bitch that made him leave his girlfriend or he doesn’t, and then you are the bitch that wanted him to leave his girlfriend… either way it’s never a good thing. However, this time I had to tell Mat to leave her, mostly because it hurts me too much…. It’s excruciating imagining that he’s with someone else when he’s not with me, when I know that he won’t go out with me because he’s  scared of someone seeing us together or when we have to meet him in the middle of the night when it’s too late for his girlfriend to show up uninvited. Of course you would think: anyone in their right mind would never get into this mess in the first place… but then again, how many of you have fallen in love and followed what your brain said instead of your heart?

 Even though I did the unforgivable: asking him to leave his girlfriend (honestly what right do I have breaking up two people? But to my defense: a) he’s been thinking to break up for a while and b) I fell so in love with him it seemed like the only possible solution..) I knew how it should be played in order to maximize my chances of winning him over: no pressure, give him time, make him miss you, be positive, show him you care… And actually I did that.. for the first three weeks! After that I started getting impatient, asking him more often, pressuring him… and even though I tried to hide it I used to cry almost every day for him, I would lock myself in my room and just cry my eyes out until my eyes burnt and I had literally ran out of tears. Looking back at it now: Was he actually worth so many tears? Did I let my desire to live with him what I missed all the while I was away get bigger than him? Did he disappoint me, not because of his own fault, but because of my vast expectations? Relationship or no relationship, and regardless his feelings for me, Mat was never available for a relationship with me… and I wasn’t either.

 It’s been almost  6 weeks since I asked him to break up with his girlfriend and he still hasn’t decided… By now I know he won’t leave her, I just can’t bring myself to tell him that I want to ‘break up’ with him once and for all. Mostly I’m just staying here to confirm my suspicion that he won’t leave her… If I back up now and later on he decides to live her, I will be devastated. Even though I know the things he’s contemplating right now, I can tell you with absolute certainty the reasons why he (and most other men) will never leave their girlfriend for me (or anyone else out there that hopes the same as I do):

1.  Habit: even if he’s not head over heels with her, you have to give her credit for the one thing she offers him what you don’t : certainty! Men are creatures of habit, if they are used to her and they can live their life without much trouble with her, then why leave her? Leaving her and starting a new relationship with you (or me in this case) would cost them much more effort than just being with her and having an affair on the side with you as well. He will never leave the certainty of his girlfriend and dive into the unknown with us, no matter how much we want to believe in fairy tales.

2.  He can have you both, why bother changing that: Like they say, he can have his cake and eat it too! If he can juggle you both, why would he leave one? It just doesn’t make sense! Why would he change anything when everything is perfect? He doesn’t feel guilty, he can have his affair and then go back to his girlfriend and his friends! He has everything for granted, he will never dream of changing anything.

3. His friends: In my case this is a huuuuge factor. His current girlfriend is good friends with many of his friends. And the girlfriends of his friends. If he broke up with her and jumped into a relationship with me then he would be the jerk that left the good girl… and of course I would be the bitch that made them break up. This is another issue that I’m not sure I would be ready to deal with (when the time is right I promise to write a post on how to handle his friends). But I know this much: I love him enough to give it a go!

 Even though I know all the reasons he won’t leave her, I am just staying here, in desperate hope that he will find one reason to beat all of the above and choose me over her. I’m reaching for the stars here, aren’t I? (CLICK HERE to find out what happens with Mat when the next update comes up!) I know it’s hopeless, but once again I know I’ll have my heart in pieces and I can’t do anything to stop that. My only choice is to leave him before he does… not that it’s going to hurt any less. It’s like I’m watching a car crash happening in slow motion and I can’t do anything to stop it! Sometimes I have to swallow back my tears when I’m with him and I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs whenever he kisses my forehead.. And it’s all the little things that drive me crazy.. All the little things that I’m going to have to learn to do without.  All in all, now you know the whole story. I’m not sure what you’ve learn from it and I’m not sure what I’ve learnt either… but I’m not going to lose hope: Everything happens for a reason… right? If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the whole situation please comment and let me know, I’m a bit lost as you can see. Tell me about any similar experiences you may have had as well, and please if anyone out there knows someone who left their girlfriends for the woman he was in an affair with please let me know! I need to know if such men actually exist! CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and learn first how it turns out with Mat. Also follow me on bloglovin’ to read the posts as soon as they come up! 

NOTE: Due to the high popularity of this article, I just published a follow up: 'Being the other Woman'. Click on it to read it if you can relate! 
Comment and let me know what you think and how you feel! :) 

  

  Let me just say, from the very beginning, that when it come to this question I’m an absolute NO NO NO! However, there seems to be a great debate whether a couple can break up and still remain friends. Many people would tell me ‘Yes, it’s perfectly possible’, so after I broke up with Garrick, a guy I used to be in a (rather short) relationship with, I decided that I could try to remain friends with him, even if I never really thought it would be possible… Well, I was right, it was a complete disaster!

  I met Garrick through a group of common friends about a year after I came to London. He was a nice guy and we immediately hit it off. We had a nice relationship for as long as it lasted, it was easy going and laid back, we had fun, not very serious. It all lasted about five months. Garrick was a nice, easy going guy, a great laugh and the kind of person you would love to have with you on a night out in town.  We would go out for drinks, dinner, dancing or stay in with good food and a movie and we would still have a great time! Even though I very much liked Garrick we broke up about 5 months later due to too much fighting. We decided to break it off before it was too late and all the good memories were replaced from our fights. I was quite sad after it ended, but I knew it was for the best. And then I made the oh so unforgivable mistake of suggesting we stay friends! Seriously, what was I thinking? I knew it would be a disaster the minute I heard the words come out of my mouth!

I always knew why two people are not meant to be friends after they break up. For some unknown reason though I decided that maybe it could work out. Well, every single theory I had about why two people should never be friends after they break up, came out to be true (surprise surprise!!). Firstly, being friends with someone should be easy, effortless and not awkward and complicated. Every time Garrick and I decided to meet up as friends, even with other friends around, it was just plain awkward. We would exchange a couple of words and then look the other way or start fidgeting nervously. The most extensive conversation we would have would be about the weather or my studies or his work, but that was about it. And of course we would never look each other straight in the eyes.  Besides the whole awkwardness, for me being friends with an ex is basically like being together, but without sex. If the relationship was never very serious and it was more like an easy going fun relationship where you just like to spend time with each other, but not live together (like my relationship with Garrick), then nothing changes besides the fact that you are not having sex anymore.

 Another reason for opposing the ‘friends with an ex’ situation is the fact that you might ‘slip’ once and sleep with them again! Now, just to be sure that this is definitely a reason for NOT being friends with an ex, I had to test my luck there as well; so when one night we went out with a group of friends and Garrick happened to be there, after one too many drinks we ended up back at my place… just the two of us. We both realized what a big mistake that was the next morning, but by then it was too late. Now, there are two reasons of why you should never have sex with an ex: if it’s good then you are reminded of what you lost and you just start missing him and possibly wanting to get back together. And if it’s bad, well you just had sex with an ex, which makes you seem the sad girlfriend that can’t get over him. When guys do it though, it’s never considered to be much of a deal. If anything, it gives them credit for ‘winning the girl’ all over again.  

 And of course, there is always the matter of jealousy! What happens when one of the two meets someone else? Will you get jealous? Will you be fine with it? And let’s say that maybe, just maybe, you have absolutely no problem with him dating someone else; how much more complicated would that make the friendship between you two? And worse of the worst, will you be able to talk about their new relationship like friends are supposed to? I really don’t have an answer for that, because Garrick and I decided that being friends wasn't a good idea after we slept together that night. I wish him the best and hope he is happy, but not keeping contact with him was the best decision for both of us!  

  It is my personal belief that a break up between two people comes about because they need their distance from each other, they need time for themselves. If two people remain friends after they break up then nothing changes. Even though it is clear to me how two former lovers can never remain friends, when it comes to relationships, I couldn't help but wonder: why is it that it’s possible to turn a friendship into a relationship, but not do the reverse? Maybe it’s nature’s twisted way of making us push some people out of our lives in order to let new ones in; or maybe it’s the fact that if you broke up with someone to begin with then you know he’s no good for you, so you choose not to have him in your life! Whatever the reason is however, you should know that being friends with an ex might be good in theory, it might also seem easy when it first starts, but it’s always an excuse to keep someone next to you that you are not ready to let go off – someone that you know you can’t work it out with so you choose the next best thing in order to keep them next to you. Unfortunately, it never turns out to be good news!!

 Did you manage to stay friends with an ex? Did you make an attempt and failed? Comment and let me know! Also don’t forget to contact me with your own stories that I can use for future posts at livefornow1992@gmail.com.

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 You have to excuse my delay for this post but life has been hectic these days. With exams over and summer preparations I hardly found time to research for the material of my next post. But, I haven’t forgotten, and spent the past few days carrying out a sort of experiment for this post. As you can see from the title of the post I’m going to try and explore the issue that most women drive themselves crazy over and put the maximum effort possible to look their best, in order to get a guy…. Those women also, falsely, think that that’s all it takes! Well I’m here to prove them wrong!

   Last week I decided that I’m running out of material for my blog, so I did what I had to for some research, I decided to start dating again. I called Sandra out for a drink, put on a nice dress, pretty make up and went for a drink. I thought that going out somewhere near Liverpool Street around 6ish would probably guarantee me a date for the weekend. But when I got there and started a pleasant conversation with my friend I realized that I wasn’t very into looking for guys, I preferred to just sit and have a drink with a friend. So I said to myself “Maybe if I’m lucky someone will come and talk to me and I won’t have to get out of my way tonight to meet someone”. However after a couple of hours, it turned out to be more of a girls-night out. When Sandra had to go, I was a bit tired, but decided to stay and have another drink and maybe find someone I like for a date this weekend. That didn’t turn out so well and I kept wondering what was wrong. I had worn my nice dress, had my hair and make up nicely done, but no one would come and talk to me. I’m not saying that I’m expecting that every time I go out someone will come and talk to me, but (not to brag) I’m used to finding someone for a chat and a drink whenever I feel like it. An hour later I decided that it was game over so I dragged my tired ass home, without any material for the next post or a date! I thought to myself that it was bad luck, but I would be able to get a date probably in the next few days, so I didn’t look much into it.

  It wasn’t until two days afterwards when I was invited to a friend’s place for dinner that I realized what went wrong the night before. I was invited to Vivi’s place for home-cooked dinner and a nice movie, so thinking it was just a girls night, I put on an old pair of jeans and a shirt, no make up, hair tied back and wore my glasses, but I didn’t care; if I was going to spend the evening in I might as well be comfortable. It wasn’t until I arrived at her house that I realized that she had another two friends over; two tall, brunette guys that apparently were her flatmate’s friends. I’m not one to turn down company, so I figured the more the merrier, we could hang out and watch a movie all together. Imagine my surprise when by the end of the night one of them asked me out. I actually had to ask him if he was serious! What was he thinking? I was dressed in rugs, my hair looked as if I had just woken up and I was even wearing my glasses. Even though we had a great time hanging out that night, I had to reject the date, because he just wasn’t my type; it would be really wrong of my to lead him on. Later that night, once I got back home, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why was it that someone was willing to ask me out even though I was dressed in little more than rugs? And why was it that when I was dressed up with perfect hair no one asked me out? Could it be that  the first impression men get does not come from looks?  Thinking about it now I realized there’s something much more important than looks – body language!! The night that I went out with Sandra, I was only interested in having a nice time with my girlfriend and even when she left I was not in the mood to actually flirt, so my body language was uninviting and distant. I would look in my drink, or look around bored, maybe take a quick peek at my watch from time to time. Honestly, who would approach someone that looks like that? On the other hand, the night that I spent in Vivi’s house, even though I wasn’t looking for a date I was smiling and relaxed and in wanted to be around good company; so my body language was inviting, warm and relaxed. After I spent years and years trying to look my best every time I was going on a date with someone I suddenly realized that it takes a lot less than that to impress someone!

    However, do not let my conclusion mislead you! Dressing up and looking your best is not bad at all! Most women dress up because they like it and because it boosts their confidence – that’s the reason I do it. But, when it comes to actually trying to impress someone, it’s not so much how much lipstick you have on but exactly how you are sitting when talking to him! For instance, if you have your back to him and you just turn your head sideways to talk to him then it looks as if you are not interested at all. If you are sitting exactly opposite him and facing him straight then you are making him feel like he’s about to close a business deal. The right way to face a man that you want to make an impression on or flirt with, is sit facing him, but tilt your body slightly sideways! What your body language says now: I like you enough to actually sit on only one of my ass cheeks and wake up tomorrow with back pain (well, that was mostly free style translation but you get the meaning)!

  That was just an example of how your body language can be inviting to someone and not distant or indifferent (yes I’ve done my homework on that one).           So ladies, by all means keep dressing up, styling up your hair and having the perfect make up, but when it comes to meeting someone remember that all of that wouldn’t matter if you actually don’t have the right attitude and the right body language. And of course if you do have the body language, the perfect appearance is an extra bonus for the lucky guy ;)

 I actually read into the whole body language issue when it comes to dating so feel free to comment and ask me questions about it. Also, tell me your general thoughts on the subject and don’t forget to like my facebook page! CLICK HERE for the facebook page! 

Again apologies for the late upload of this post, will try not to repeat it! J

                                                                                                           

  After numerous posts I decided it’s about time I tell you a little bit about myself: I can be a little bit selfish, I’m impatient and I need to always be right, I push people to bring out the best in them, I push myself and I’m a perfectionist: if I’m going to do something I’ll do it right or not at all. So having said all that about me, I wouldn't change myself to be with anyone, even if I only pointed the negative aspects of my character (I do have good qualities as well, but if I wrote them down now it would seem like I’m bragging!). But what about the times that we actually change to make someone love us or stay with us without even realizing it? What happens when we lose ourselves just to keep someone with us?

  For the sake of this article, the most suited relationship example I have to give is my ‘relationship’ with Nick. I talked about Nick in another post as well (you can read about it on "Can you fall in love with two people at the same time?") , but I think it’s about time to give you some more details on it… As you know my relationship with Nick was kind of an ‘on-and-off affair’ and the only reason I didn't put an end to it sooner is because I was madly in love with him. But I never realized how much I was caught up in the relationship until the very end. I always felt like Nick had some kind of power over me (I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the only way I can describe it). I am usually talkative and sarcastic and make jokes about everything, I laugh a lot and if you know me you’ll know I’ll never run out of things to say. But when it came to Nick, I felt powerless. Every time I found myself with him, I would be acting like a good student under a strict teacher… which is ridiculous! Yes we talked, but I was never quite myself… and that’s the least of it. Every time Nick called, I would make myself available to him, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I would just give up everything to meet up with him. When he was mad, he would shout at me and we would have a fight… usually I would end up in tears and nodding in agreement to what he was saying. Again, if you know me you should know that I almost never cry, let alone in front of others. I would never contradict him, whatever he said, I would think it was right.

  One day I recall him telling me that what we had wouldn't last and he wanted to end it. For the first time in my life, I actually begged him to stay with me, but he didn't  Two months later he came back to me, and I welcomed him back in my life as if nothing ever happened. Having said all that, for me to be so compromising and willing to do anything for him, you would think that I must have been having a hell of a time when I was with him… wrong again. I remember myself mostly miserable during my relationship with Nick and not happy. I would either feel guilty that I was with him, or neglected by him most of the time. He did care about me, but he had a weird way of showing it. He loved me, but he would never say it. Of course you would think that if someone loves you, they don’t have to say it all the time… and you are right. But sometimes, a girl actually needs to hear these 3 little words, out loud! Nick was distant… and yet so close. I must sound completely out of my mind right now, and truth is, I was! It’s so hard putting it down in words, but if you have lived through something similar you should know how hard it is to actually explain it. Every time Nick did something bad and I would just accept it and patiently wait for him I felt my mind screaming at me “Come on! What are you doing?” But apparently my heart had a different opinion…

  After almost two and a half years of torture with Nick, I still hadn't learnt my lesson. So finally, when he pulled one of his “This isn't going anywhere, we have to end it” situations and I still waited for months for him to come back, when he didn't I thought it was finally all over. I was broken hearted, but I wanted to respect him. He had chosen this and if he was happy, I wouldn't try to get back into his life again. One night though, more than five months later, Nick called me and said he missed me and straight away, without even thinking, I said I missed him too and I wanted to see him. Just when I was starting to move on, Nick had dragged me back into that mess again, and I found myself crying in my bathroom, but still not having the courage (or the will for that matter) to tell him that I couldn't see him. When I couldn't do it, it was time for an intervention… My best friend, Kate, even though opposing my whole affair with Nick from the very beginning, after she found me crying in my bathroom like a helpless dog calmly told me: “I’m not going to tell you not to go back to him again, that never worked in the past and it won’t work now either. But take a step back and look at yourself and what he did to you”. And that was it. I suddenly realized it; I had lost myself in my desperate effort to keep Nick next to me. I had lost control over my feelings, and apparently over my actions as well. Having lost control, I did the only thing I could to get it back… I let Nick go. It took me three years, countless desperate efforts from my best friend, and a hard slap from reality after seeing my bloodshot eyes in the mirror to realize that I wasn't me anymore… I remember thinking to myself “If I had met me know I wouldn't recognize me”. That wasn't me, that wasn't who I was and who I was supposed to be. I turned into a pathetic little person… and for what? To make someone love me, someone that I couldn't be with to begin with.  Maybe I needed to lose myself to finally realize who I am and at the end to find out just how much am I really prepared to give up to be with someone. Maybe we all need to lose ourselves, to hit rock bottom in order to find our way back to the top and be ourselves again.

   After a few months I started feeling like myself again, but from time to time, I still wonder: does our mind automatically change our behavior in order to accommodate that huge influx of feelings that come with falling madly in love? Is it all a manifestation of our body to shelter us from the pain that is about to come once we show the true side of our character? Maybe if I had shown my true character to Nick he wouldn't have stayed with me that long. He knew I would be there and so he kept coming back… I was a safe bet. But is that really what I want to be? Every girl deserves someone that will love her for who she is; that is not to say we shouldn't compromise. Because just like we expect someone to accept us with all our flaws, we should be prepared to accept someone else’s flaws as well. But compromising means meeting somewhere in the middle and feeling comfortable.  After thinking it over, I realized that it’s ok to change when you are with someone… but it’s not ok to change for someone. Some people bring out the best in ourselves and make us see our flaws clearly, flaws which we could potentially correct, and that would be great. But we should change as long as we are comfortable with it; as long as we feel that we are becoming the better person that we can become… Because if you think about it, relationships are great, glamorous and fun, but the most important relationship you will ever have, the most amazing and challenging one is the one you have with yourself… and if you can find someone that will meet you somewhere in between, well that’s just beautiful!

Have you ever had a similar experience? Maybe you would be able to put it down in words better than I could. Comment and let me know how you lost yourself and what did you do to get back control? 

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   Friend, boyfriend, fuck buddy, husband, partner… Friend, girlfriend, mistress, wife…. Why do we always need to use the labels? This is my first post that I don’t tell a story about myself, but instead about my friend Vivi and her experience with someone. Maybe I sound too self-centered, so I realized it’s about time I give other peoples' experiences as well!! Yesterday, while we were out shopping in London and stopped for a nice Mcflurry, Vivi decided it was about time to tell me her concerns over a guy she’s seeing, which brought up a lot of questions in my mind, which I naturally decided to share with you.

   At the beginning of this year Vivi was going out with a guy named Dan. Their relationship was short and brief and never clear how it ended. The closest thing she could come to a conclusion was that he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Months after that ended, she met a really nice guy called Ed. Since she met Ed I remember her being quite happier and smiling more often, but when she talks about him she always says ‘we are just friends’.  When I saw them together  a couple of times, they were being really flirty with each other (I didn't stalk them, I just bumped into them! I always need material for my blog, but I wouldn't go that far… hopefully!), but she always kept saying that nothing was going on and they were just friends. That was until one day, she came up to me while I was in the library revising (no way to get out of exams!) and she told me that she spent the night at his place. I knew there was something more to it than ‘just friends’, but she seemed quite skeptical about it. “We had a really nice time, he cooked for me and he makes me laugh… .we made out and then fell asleep together, but I don’t want to have sex with him or be in a relationship with him”. She kept saying that nothing more was going to happen and that he was great and made her laugh but they should just be friends. I didn't want to contradict her then because I knew the subject would make her uncomfortable and waited until she came to talk to me about it.

   So yesterday, somewhere between Urban Outfitters and Topshop she turned and told me “I still spend a lot of time with him, I miss him when I don’t see him for a few days and we talk every day, but  I don’t know what’s going on”. Naturally I asked her what she wanted from him and she frowned for a minute until she said “Well, I know I don’t want a relationship with him, or to have sex, but  I like him,  I like to hang out with him and I like to make out with him sometimes and sleep together… I don’t know what this is! I have to figure out if I want him as a friend or a boyfriend”.  Now it was my turn to frown and ask her “Why? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t you have fun the way you and him want to?” , to which she answered “Well, I don’t know what to tell people, are we friends or are we a couple?” By that point I was in deep thought and I pointed out that none of it matters, it doesn't matter what she will tell people, they can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I remember her saying “Deep inside we all care what other people think, even if we pretend not to” … I had to admit she was right. So I gave her the best advice I could “Do whatever you want, tell people you are just friends. Whatever you do in the privacy of your house is your own business”. Just when I thought the conversation was over and I had solved the problem (maybe I shouldn't think too much of myself!) she turned and said “But I don’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t know what we are, we are not just friends, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, we are not fuck buddies… we are just something!” That was when I started thinking about labels.

  As much as I would like to think so, it’s not just Vivi that wants labels, it’s most of us. If we don’t know what’s going on with the guy, if we can’t point our finger and name it, then suddenly we get uncomfortable. What will everyone else think? What are we doing?  Truth is, most of the time we don’t have everything clear in our minds; if we are not somewhere between dating and a relationship, then we are somewhere between friends and fuck buddies, and if we are not somewhere between couple and friends, we are somewhere between a relationship and a break up…. Why does it always have to be something?

  We girls are, by nature, perfectionists. We need to be able to define and explain everything perfectly, so it is only natural that when it comes to relationships we want the same thing. But after my afternoon of shopping with Vivi, I couldn't help but wonder: Why do we need labels to make it work? Why can’t we just go with the flow? Maybe, labels, just like in fashion, make us ‘wear’ it comfortably and with confidence, enabling us to show it off and share it with the world. Boyfriend, friend, fuck buddy, lover, husband… maybe it’s like Prada, Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and so on. Maybe it’s because of the way we grew up, in a society that judges everything, we need to be able to explain ourselves to anyone that asks for an explanation.  Later on, after contemplating on the subject for a few hours, I got a text from Vivi saying “I just realized, that’s exactly what I did wrong with Dan. I tried to put a label on him (boyfriend) that he wasn't ready for. That’s why it ended so soon!” and I had to admit, she was right! Dan ran off because Vivi wanted to jump into something that he wasn't ready for. I guess labels aren't always good after all. If Vivi had gone with the flow back then, maybe she would have hit it off with Dan, but we’ll never know.

   So my advice to all of you out there that are somewhere between relationships, dating, friends, fuck buddies and so on, is: if you are enjoying what you are doing, then just go with the flow. Don’t be in hurry to put a label on it; that will come on its own. Right now, there might not be a label for it; it might as well just be… something, or anything. Eventually all the pieces will fall into place... Until then, laugh at the confusion and live for the moment.The important thing is if you are enjoying it, then that’s all that matters. And when it comes to what others think… well, the less they know the better!

By the way, please send me your stories to get inspired from and I will create posts from your stories as well, with conclusions and advises (if I can find any!). You can contact me at livefornow1992@gmail.com

Comment and tell me if you are experiencing something similar, and how much you like labels!