In a world where a girl faking her orgasm is as natural as faking her hair colour, it is no wonder that so many women keep wondering how much of our relationships are we really faking! Personally I never questioned how much faking goes on in a relationship before hearing Shayla’s story.

  Shayla and I had been friends for a few years when she met Ricky. Both Shayla and I had a pretty busy schedule, which meant that we only rarely had time to sit and talk about her relationship. She and Ricky met last year around this time and they jumped into a relationship quite fast. I remember bringing this to her attention and her saying: “Well I feel comfortable with him, I never felt like that with anyone else”. I guess at the time that was enough for me. As long as she was happy I was happy for her and that was pretty much it. 

 Somewhere between a month into their relationship and our pile of work Shayla and I had some time to grab a coffee and talk, when she told me: ‘Sex is not that great with Ricky. I’ve  been faking my orgasms with him the first few times and now I have to keep doing it, because I did it before and if I don’t, he’ll realize that something is wrong. I can’t just tell him you are not good at it!” I was speechless, everything seemed to be going so well and then she suddenly dropped a bomb on me. I had no idea what to tell her except: ‘You know nothing’s going to change unless you talk to him about it though, right?’ I remember her saying she would talk to him about it before leaving that afternoon, but truth is she never talked to me about this again and I didn’t want to bring it up.

 What really got me thinking though was what happened a few months later. When Shayla came to talk to me about a month ago she wasn’t happy in her relationship. She seemed sceptical and confused. She told me: “He’s doesn’t do things he says he will do, he’s irresponsible and forgetful; he’s unpredictable. I tried talking to him about it months ago but nothing’s changed, so I gave up. I just pretend nothing’s wrong and that I’m happy, but really I’m not”. That's when it hit me: Faking doesn't stop at orgasms. Have we gone past faking orgasms... are we faking entire relationships now? In a world where it’s natural for women to fake as much as possible- we fake our hair colour, our cup-size, hell we’ve even faked fur! – is it possible that we can fake our emotions too? How much do we really settle for and for what reason? It is true that women all around settle for a lot less than they deserve, out of fear of dying old and alone. So many think that if they are in a relationship they might as well do the best they can to stay there because this is as good as it gets... Is it better to fake it than be alone?

 When I  couldn’t decide, I turned to Javier: “I never faked a thing in my life... let alone an orgasm! If I’m not happy where I am and I can’t change it I just leave. I know I’ll find somewhere else what I deserve”. Javier made me smile, and then I realised it: The fear of being alone is admittedly a great one among single women all over the world, but (for me at least) settling is not an option. As long as you realize that you deserve much better and you don’t settle for anything, you’ll find someone else and there will be no need to fake anything.

 So maybe we can fake our hair colour, our cup-size, fur or even orgasms (but still not advisable!), but in reality, there’s no chance we can fake our emotions! Sooner or later it will catch up on you and you’ll end up hating yourself and looking for a way to get out of the hell-hole you put yourself in. So ladies, better get out of there before it gets too late. Oh and if you are wondering, Shayla didn’t settle: she stopped faking it and broke up with Ricky. Bu I knew she wouldn’t settle, it was a matter of time before she realized it. She still loves him of course, but she’s realized that the only way to be happy is to let him go and move on with her life!

What are your views on faking? Do you fake more than orgasms? Would you settle for anything less than you deserve out of fear of being alone? Comment and let me know!

  I have a list of all the blog posts I am doing, one right after the other… and this one was nowhere on the list. I had to write this post though because of what I realized today. My most popular article is by far ‘Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?’ and you will not believe how many people read that each day… and how many emails I receive asking me about that. I was under the impression that I’m one of the few girls that experienced what it’s like being the other woman and thinking he will leave his girlfriend for me. But I just found out otherwise.  I get emails on a daily basis, all asking me the same thing in a hundred different ways: ‘He said he loves me…’ , ‘He doesn’t love his wife anymore, he said he’ll leave her…’, ‘He is staying with her for a little while longer because she’s going through a rough patch’, and the list is endless. They all finish with the same question however:  ‘Do you think he will leave her for me?’… It just breaks my heart every time I have to answer the same thing to them: ‘No he won’t!’

 I decided to write this post to all those women out there, who think that he will leave his girlfriend for them and who are, what is commonly known as, the 'other woman'. I know exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is. I’ve been through that and I’m still not over it, but we can’t keep telling ourselves the same lie over and over again because we think something is going to change. It’s not easy to admit, but here is what it feels like being the other woman:

  It’s all too nice and comforting thinking that you met a man, took him home slept with him (had a great time!)… and then woke up and made you breakfast. What’s better than that? You worked it out in the bedroom, you know that works and then you take it on from there. You bought the car, took it for a test drive, established it works and now you are ready for the ride… Yeah well, sorry to snap you out of that, but that never works! Chances are, if you actually happen to wake up at the guy’s place, not only will you not have breakfast served, but you will be rushing around trying to find your clothes and get on your way to walk the ‘walk of shame’. Now before you say ‘what does she know?’, let me tell you my story…

  

  About a week or so ago Sarah and I decided to go out for a few drinks at a club somewhere behind Regent Street. Everything was great, the music, the cocktails, we were dancing our heels off and having a great time… Until Ronald and Adam showed up; two very handsome, slightly older and more than slightly drunk gentlemen.  Within an hour we had found out that both were high school teachers (and undoubtedly very desired by 16 year olds), single and very fun to be around. Within the next hour Sarah was dancing with Ronald and I was with Adam. (Just a small note here: I’m not the type of girl that picks up guys in a bar. I’ve done that, years ago. I’m fed up with that. BUT, there was something about this guy… I really liked Adam, I enjoyed talking to him and yes, he was a great kisser. And for me to say I liked someone from the first time I meet them… let’s just say that’s next to impossible). 

 Two hours later we were in a cab with them going to Adam’s place…. After spending about two or so hours locked up in Adam’s room with him, I knew I suddenly had a crush. I haven’t had a crush for ages. He was sweet and attentive, responsible and yet incredibly charming. Around 5 o’clock in the morning it was time to go home and it was around that time that he asked for my number. By that time I knew that if he had my number I would be checking my phone for the next week expecting a message from him and get extremely disappointed if I didn’t receive a text. I had a choice: I could just give it to him without a second thought and risk the disappointment or I could refuse and write this whole day off as a great night with a nice twist. I chose neither. I suddenly told him ‘Look, I’m not one of those type of girls that you bring home and then ask for their phone number pretending you are going to text, just because it’s the polite thing to do. If you actually want to text me, then you’ll get my number’. He said ‘Give me your number, I promise I’ll text tomorrow’. And that was it. Those were the last words he said to me… ever! He never texted of course. I knew he wouldn’t from the minute I gave him my number, but I knew I wanted him to text so much that I would sacrifice the risk. I spent the whole of the next day somewhere between last night’s haze and my mind-consuming thoughts, trying to figure out why he never texted. So here are the reasons why a one-night-stand will never turn into a relationship, or he will never text:

1. He was drunk: this means he probably doesn’t remember you (well that’s extreme), but at least he doesn’t remember everything clearly. His mind was cloudy and he might have said things he didn’t mean.

2. You were drunk:  Now most of us think that when we are drunk we become more courageous and bring out the best in us… well, maybe. But we also think we are the best dancers, the best looking people and the best in bed. By no means am I undermining your skills and abilities in any of the three. I believe you are probably great in all three. But, when we are drunk we tend to overestimate our abilities in all those three departments. So at the end of the day, even though we were more joyful and fun we probably weren’t as great as we remember ourselves to be. And the guys don’t remember us the way we falsely remember ourselves.

3. It’s awkward: The whole let’s get in cab and go home, make out at the backseat, with probably a bit over the clothes action is all too passionate and spontaneous; especially when in danger of being seen by the cab driver, but by the time you get home, get in bed and get it over with, you will probably have sobered up and just realized you are lying naked, next to a stranger. Chances are you don’t even remember his name. So what do you do then? You don’t say ‘Well that was great… whatever your name is. Now let’s hangout and see if we are each other’s soulmate!’ NO! You get up awkwardly, while the guy is probably having a shower or pretending to be asleep, you pull on your fancy clothes and get on your way with the walk of shame.

4. He might have been lying: I know this sucks. But did he say he’s single, employed and with money in the bank? Well I’m sorry to break it to you, but he might be cheating on someone, while being unemployed and probably in debt as well. I know I’m taking it to the extremes here, but  did you think about the fact that he might be rebounding? Or he might not want to be in a relationship? He could have been lying to get what he wanted, independently of how persuasive he was!

5. It’s a one-night-stand: I think this says it all. It’s supposed to be a one night thing! It’s not a ‘let’s start a relationship the wrong way round!’ It’s supposed to be passion between two people that know nothing about each other and that’s pretty much it. It says it all. If he had met you in a club and wanted to get to know you he would ask to take you out, not take you to bed.

There you have it, the top 5 reasons why a one-night-stand is not the beginning of a relationship and will never turn into one! It’s too bad, but for all of you out there who think that it might have been a good start, I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s not. If you are into the ‘one-night-stand kind of scene’ then that’s great. Go out and enjoy yourselves. But if what you are looking for is a relationship, then one-night-stands is nowhere near what you are looking for.

As for me and Sarah… we learnt the hard way, but now we know. And we just added another great experience to our list.

What did you think? Did you have a one night stand that turned into a relationship? Comment and let me know!! Remember to like my facebook page for the latest updates! 

Dear City Girl,

I would like your advice on this amazing guy I met. To make a long story short, we I met him randomly in a club and we clicked immediately. Funny, unassuming, relaxed and most of all… he gave me butterflies (cheesy, I know). It was an instant connection, something which is very rare for me. So what’s the problem?, you will ask.

I think I’m his rebound. We have a lot of fun together and so far I can really rely on him. But I can see several signs that he’s not over his ex yet. He still wears a ring she gave him, I often catch him staring off into space and when I ask him if he is okay, he snaps at me. I think what annoys me the most though is the picture I found in his drawer of them two hugging. I know those are memories he cherishes and that’s why I feel so selfish.

I am crazy about him. I can’t think of anyone else but him. Is it too selfish that I want him to think of only me? Is it too selfish that I don’t want to be his rebound while he’s my first love? I want me to be what he is to me.

Should I talk to him about it? What do you think I should do?

Looking forward to your response,

I-don’t-want-to-be-a-rebound-girl

 

Dear I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-A-Rebound Girl,

 How easy is to actually find someone that gives you butterflies? As cheesy as that sounds, we all love it. Connecting with someone is really rare. I know because I’m exactly like you when it comes to men. It’s great that you actually have such a deep connection with your first love.

 However, we all come with baggage. In this case the baggage is an ex-girlfriend. I understand how frustrating this is and how heart-breaking it can be at times. Being with someone that has not fully recovered from his past relationship can be really difficult and of course, a great obstacle to the potential of your relationship. But, you have to understand that falling in love with someone for the first time is all too exciting and fresh, but this is not the case for him. And even though for you, the love scene might be a clean slate, it seems that he’s been around for a while before you showed up.  It’s only reasonable that he might be recovering from a past love, without this necessarily meaning that you are just a rebound. If he made you trust him and showed to you that you can rely on him, then I doubt that this is just something temporary and completely insignificant to him. I know it might be bothering you, but you need to talk to him about it… if this behavior doesn’t stop in a few months or so.

 You can get him to talk about her, if this will make you more comfortable with the situation. Personally, I never like opening the ‘ex-files’ with a current boyfriend, but this is not for everyone. If you ask more about her, for example how their relationship was, how they broke up or how long they were together then this might give you some indication of whether he will be able to get over her sometime soon. For example if the break up was amicable, then chances are he might still be heartbroken about her, but he will soon get over it because he agreed to the break up.

 I don’t think it’s selfish at all to want him to think about you… and only you. But, as I have argued elsewhere (see ‘Where does the love go?’), we are never really over our past relationships, we never really stop loving our ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. We are always, in a way, ‘haunted of spirits from relationships past’. What you need to do however, is not concentrate on how to make him forget her, but on how to make him love you more. You need to get closer to him in every way possible and make him your best friend as well as your lover. You see he will start ‘staring off into space’ a lot less and maybe take off the ring, place it in a drawer… he will not get rid of it though. Don’t expect that. He might keep the photograph as well. I always keep souvenirs of my past relationships, I never throw them away. I consider them a parting gift.  

All in all, you might not have the perfect relationship in your hands as it is, but if this is someone you really want, don’t throw it away. Talk to him about it if this behavior does not stop, but if you keep him close to you with every means possible, then you will see that things will change without opening the ‘ex-files’. Just keep in mind, that there is a time limit. If you see that a few months have gone by and you still feel like the rebound, then there is something wrong, and you might need to face the possibility that walking away might be the only solution. But until then, give him some time to heal and recover… because if you think about it, aren’t we all recovering from something…. Drugs, alcohol, OCDs… past loves?

Hope this helped,

City Girl xox

What do you think? Did I give the right advice? Do you agree with me or do you think she should just walk away now before things get even more complicated? I'd love to hear your response on this!

  After numerous posts I decided it’s about time I tell you a little bit about myself: I can be a little bit selfish, I’m impatient and I need to always be right, I push people to bring out the best in them, I push myself and I’m a perfectionist: if I’m going to do something I’ll do it right or not at all. So having said all that about me, I wouldn't change myself to be with anyone, even if I only pointed the negative aspects of my character (I do have good qualities as well, but if I wrote them down now it would seem like I’m bragging!). But what about the times that we actually change to make someone love us or stay with us without even realizing it? What happens when we lose ourselves just to keep someone with us?

  For the sake of this article, the most suited relationship example I have to give is my ‘relationship’ with Nick. I talked about Nick in another post as well (you can read about it on "Can you fall in love with two people at the same time?") , but I think it’s about time to give you some more details on it… As you know my relationship with Nick was kind of an ‘on-and-off affair’ and the only reason I didn't put an end to it sooner is because I was madly in love with him. But I never realized how much I was caught up in the relationship until the very end. I always felt like Nick had some kind of power over me (I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the only way I can describe it). I am usually talkative and sarcastic and make jokes about everything, I laugh a lot and if you know me you’ll know I’ll never run out of things to say. But when it came to Nick, I felt powerless. Every time I found myself with him, I would be acting like a good student under a strict teacher… which is ridiculous! Yes we talked, but I was never quite myself… and that’s the least of it. Every time Nick called, I would make myself available to him, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I would just give up everything to meet up with him. When he was mad, he would shout at me and we would have a fight… usually I would end up in tears and nodding in agreement to what he was saying. Again, if you know me you should know that I almost never cry, let alone in front of others. I would never contradict him, whatever he said, I would think it was right.

  One day I recall him telling me that what we had wouldn't last and he wanted to end it. For the first time in my life, I actually begged him to stay with me, but he didn't  Two months later he came back to me, and I welcomed him back in my life as if nothing ever happened. Having said all that, for me to be so compromising and willing to do anything for him, you would think that I must have been having a hell of a time when I was with him… wrong again. I remember myself mostly miserable during my relationship with Nick and not happy. I would either feel guilty that I was with him, or neglected by him most of the time. He did care about me, but he had a weird way of showing it. He loved me, but he would never say it. Of course you would think that if someone loves you, they don’t have to say it all the time… and you are right. But sometimes, a girl actually needs to hear these 3 little words, out loud! Nick was distant… and yet so close. I must sound completely out of my mind right now, and truth is, I was! It’s so hard putting it down in words, but if you have lived through something similar you should know how hard it is to actually explain it. Every time Nick did something bad and I would just accept it and patiently wait for him I felt my mind screaming at me “Come on! What are you doing?” But apparently my heart had a different opinion…

  After almost two and a half years of torture with Nick, I still hadn't learnt my lesson. So finally, when he pulled one of his “This isn't going anywhere, we have to end it” situations and I still waited for months for him to come back, when he didn't I thought it was finally all over. I was broken hearted, but I wanted to respect him. He had chosen this and if he was happy, I wouldn't try to get back into his life again. One night though, more than five months later, Nick called me and said he missed me and straight away, without even thinking, I said I missed him too and I wanted to see him. Just when I was starting to move on, Nick had dragged me back into that mess again, and I found myself crying in my bathroom, but still not having the courage (or the will for that matter) to tell him that I couldn't see him. When I couldn't do it, it was time for an intervention… My best friend, Kate, even though opposing my whole affair with Nick from the very beginning, after she found me crying in my bathroom like a helpless dog calmly told me: “I’m not going to tell you not to go back to him again, that never worked in the past and it won’t work now either. But take a step back and look at yourself and what he did to you”. And that was it. I suddenly realized it; I had lost myself in my desperate effort to keep Nick next to me. I had lost control over my feelings, and apparently over my actions as well. Having lost control, I did the only thing I could to get it back… I let Nick go. It took me three years, countless desperate efforts from my best friend, and a hard slap from reality after seeing my bloodshot eyes in the mirror to realize that I wasn't me anymore… I remember thinking to myself “If I had met me know I wouldn't recognize me”. That wasn't me, that wasn't who I was and who I was supposed to be. I turned into a pathetic little person… and for what? To make someone love me, someone that I couldn't be with to begin with.  Maybe I needed to lose myself to finally realize who I am and at the end to find out just how much am I really prepared to give up to be with someone. Maybe we all need to lose ourselves, to hit rock bottom in order to find our way back to the top and be ourselves again.

   After a few months I started feeling like myself again, but from time to time, I still wonder: does our mind automatically change our behavior in order to accommodate that huge influx of feelings that come with falling madly in love? Is it all a manifestation of our body to shelter us from the pain that is about to come once we show the true side of our character? Maybe if I had shown my true character to Nick he wouldn't have stayed with me that long. He knew I would be there and so he kept coming back… I was a safe bet. But is that really what I want to be? Every girl deserves someone that will love her for who she is; that is not to say we shouldn't compromise. Because just like we expect someone to accept us with all our flaws, we should be prepared to accept someone else’s flaws as well. But compromising means meeting somewhere in the middle and feeling comfortable.  After thinking it over, I realized that it’s ok to change when you are with someone… but it’s not ok to change for someone. Some people bring out the best in ourselves and make us see our flaws clearly, flaws which we could potentially correct, and that would be great. But we should change as long as we are comfortable with it; as long as we feel that we are becoming the better person that we can become… Because if you think about it, relationships are great, glamorous and fun, but the most important relationship you will ever have, the most amazing and challenging one is the one you have with yourself… and if you can find someone that will meet you somewhere in between, well that’s just beautiful!

Have you ever had a similar experience? Maybe you would be able to put it down in words better than I could. Comment and let me know how you lost yourself and what did you do to get back control? 

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   Friend, boyfriend, fuck buddy, husband, partner… Friend, girlfriend, mistress, wife…. Why do we always need to use the labels? This is my first post that I don’t tell a story about myself, but instead about my friend Vivi and her experience with someone. Maybe I sound too self-centered, so I realized it’s about time I give other peoples' experiences as well!! Yesterday, while we were out shopping in London and stopped for a nice Mcflurry, Vivi decided it was about time to tell me her concerns over a guy she’s seeing, which brought up a lot of questions in my mind, which I naturally decided to share with you.

   At the beginning of this year Vivi was going out with a guy named Dan. Their relationship was short and brief and never clear how it ended. The closest thing she could come to a conclusion was that he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Months after that ended, she met a really nice guy called Ed. Since she met Ed I remember her being quite happier and smiling more often, but when she talks about him she always says ‘we are just friends’.  When I saw them together  a couple of times, they were being really flirty with each other (I didn't stalk them, I just bumped into them! I always need material for my blog, but I wouldn't go that far… hopefully!), but she always kept saying that nothing was going on and they were just friends. That was until one day, she came up to me while I was in the library revising (no way to get out of exams!) and she told me that she spent the night at his place. I knew there was something more to it than ‘just friends’, but she seemed quite skeptical about it. “We had a really nice time, he cooked for me and he makes me laugh… .we made out and then fell asleep together, but I don’t want to have sex with him or be in a relationship with him”. She kept saying that nothing more was going to happen and that he was great and made her laugh but they should just be friends. I didn't want to contradict her then because I knew the subject would make her uncomfortable and waited until she came to talk to me about it.

   So yesterday, somewhere between Urban Outfitters and Topshop she turned and told me “I still spend a lot of time with him, I miss him when I don’t see him for a few days and we talk every day, but  I don’t know what’s going on”. Naturally I asked her what she wanted from him and she frowned for a minute until she said “Well, I know I don’t want a relationship with him, or to have sex, but  I like him,  I like to hang out with him and I like to make out with him sometimes and sleep together… I don’t know what this is! I have to figure out if I want him as a friend or a boyfriend”.  Now it was my turn to frown and ask her “Why? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t you have fun the way you and him want to?” , to which she answered “Well, I don’t know what to tell people, are we friends or are we a couple?” By that point I was in deep thought and I pointed out that none of it matters, it doesn't matter what she will tell people, they can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I remember her saying “Deep inside we all care what other people think, even if we pretend not to” … I had to admit she was right. So I gave her the best advice I could “Do whatever you want, tell people you are just friends. Whatever you do in the privacy of your house is your own business”. Just when I thought the conversation was over and I had solved the problem (maybe I shouldn't think too much of myself!) she turned and said “But I don’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t know what we are, we are not just friends, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, we are not fuck buddies… we are just something!” That was when I started thinking about labels.

  As much as I would like to think so, it’s not just Vivi that wants labels, it’s most of us. If we don’t know what’s going on with the guy, if we can’t point our finger and name it, then suddenly we get uncomfortable. What will everyone else think? What are we doing?  Truth is, most of the time we don’t have everything clear in our minds; if we are not somewhere between dating and a relationship, then we are somewhere between friends and fuck buddies, and if we are not somewhere between couple and friends, we are somewhere between a relationship and a break up…. Why does it always have to be something?

  We girls are, by nature, perfectionists. We need to be able to define and explain everything perfectly, so it is only natural that when it comes to relationships we want the same thing. But after my afternoon of shopping with Vivi, I couldn't help but wonder: Why do we need labels to make it work? Why can’t we just go with the flow? Maybe, labels, just like in fashion, make us ‘wear’ it comfortably and with confidence, enabling us to show it off and share it with the world. Boyfriend, friend, fuck buddy, lover, husband… maybe it’s like Prada, Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and so on. Maybe it’s because of the way we grew up, in a society that judges everything, we need to be able to explain ourselves to anyone that asks for an explanation.  Later on, after contemplating on the subject for a few hours, I got a text from Vivi saying “I just realized, that’s exactly what I did wrong with Dan. I tried to put a label on him (boyfriend) that he wasn't ready for. That’s why it ended so soon!” and I had to admit, she was right! Dan ran off because Vivi wanted to jump into something that he wasn't ready for. I guess labels aren't always good after all. If Vivi had gone with the flow back then, maybe she would have hit it off with Dan, but we’ll never know.

   So my advice to all of you out there that are somewhere between relationships, dating, friends, fuck buddies and so on, is: if you are enjoying what you are doing, then just go with the flow. Don’t be in hurry to put a label on it; that will come on its own. Right now, there might not be a label for it; it might as well just be… something, or anything. Eventually all the pieces will fall into place... Until then, laugh at the confusion and live for the moment.The important thing is if you are enjoying it, then that’s all that matters. And when it comes to what others think… well, the less they know the better!

By the way, please send me your stories to get inspired from and I will create posts from your stories as well, with conclusions and advises (if I can find any!). You can contact me at livefornow1992@gmail.com

Comment and tell me if you are experiencing something similar, and how much you like labels!