Is an Honest Place Better than a Great Place?

17:41 Unknown 0 Comments



 In a relationship, there comes an unavoidable time when you feel the need to compare your current situation with a past one: Does he behave like my ex? What is different in this relationship from my last one? Am I happier? And to be honest, unless you were a complete wreck while dating your ex or had some awful experience during that time, the answer is not black or white. Because there is no such thing as a flawless relationship or a couple with no problems, it makes one wonder whether a current relationship is better than the last one... or  simply an exchange of boyfriends with no meaningful difference.

 After a few months in my current relationship, it was unavoidable for me not to compare it with the one I with Mat. Looking back at the relationship I had with Mat, with all the ups and downs, I come to realize that, at times, he probably brought out the worst in me. When you are in love, especially when things don't go well, there comes a point where you don't even recognize yourself. There were times where if I could float out of my body and looked down on how I behaved with Mat, I would slap me in the face and probably shouted at me: "Wake up this is not you!". But this never happened, and I got lost in all the emotional turbulence I had to go through with Mat. There were huge fights, the type of fights that wake up the whole neighbourhood at 4am. And then there was great sex... the type of sex that pretty much wakes the whole neighbourhood at 4am again. If I didn't know better, I would have said that when Charles Dickens wrote: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times", he wrote it for us. When things were good, they were great. I would get lost in the moment and forget about everything else. It was like Mat used to have a way to swipe me off my feet and make me forget all my problems. It would be endless conversations until dawn, and he would make me laugh like no one had ever done before. It was probably the only guy that made me comfortable enough to be a hundred percent myself. Pretty cheesy right? It would sound like that to me as well if someone else said it... but it's true.



 But when things were bad with Mat, it was a disaster. I would lock myself in a room and stay there for days after a fight, or cry for a week. I would completely disregard everything that went on in my life at the moment and get lost in my thoughts everytime someone asked me to go out. I would call him, text him or leave angry voice mails. Then I would run to him first chance I got. Pretty sad right? But at least it's honest. And then there were the things with Mat that never changed throughout the ups and downs: it was a game all along. Who would call and when. The endless questions of: "Should I text or wait?", "Should I wait for a while to reply?", "He said he would call me but never did", "Should i leave a toothbrush at his place or am I invading his privacy?", "Am I too needy? What does he think? Why does he never tell me?". I would catch myself doing little things to get him to want me more, to think of me more, like spraying my perfume on his pillow when he's not looking... And it worked; he would wake up the next day and send me a text about how my scent was on his bedsheets long after I was gone. But it was exhausting... it was a constant battle between wanting to keep him as close to me as possible and wanting to let go so that I could find myself again. Finally there came a point where I realized that I couldn't afford anymore to struggle over whether he loved me enough or not, whether he was thinking of me or not, whether he was bored or not... If he was worth my while he would have been there, I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to keep him close to me.



 Then there's Serge. Things with him never were and never will be anything close to whatever I had with Mat. There are no crazy ups and downs... and things are never great nor horrible. Things are mostly good. There definitely are some downturns, but it's mostly small fights that get forgotten after a while... no angry messages, no shouting, no crying. It's probably the first time that I've had something so stable, in a very long time. But that's the least of it. Given a twenty years age difference and the two different stages of our lives right now, getting into a relationship with him seemed a lot like signing a contract. I didn't care much at the beginning, but the more I think about it now, the more it seems like it - a temporary thing, with an expiration date and a no-attachment tags that comes with it (at least according to him). With Mat, there was no such agreement, there was no expiration date and it was just living the moment, without thinking about the future. We both knew we didn't have one, just like I do now with Serge, but with Mat there was no acknowledgement of it. As much as it bothers me at times, I have to acknowledge that things are much simpler most of the time. But even when that gets overwhelming, there is one thing that I am relieved about: all the dating rules and games have gone out the window and I stopped walking on eggshells just to get a guy to like me back. I don't wonder if he will call me back or when I should text - I call whenever I feel like calling and so does he. He'll always pick up, and he'll always call whenever he says he will. If there's something that's been keeping me with Serge this whole time, it's how honest this whole thing is. The minute I started wondering whether leaving a toothbrush or a cleanser at his place would freak him out, I realised there was nothing to worry about. The first few times I pretended that I forgot a couple of things and said I would pick them up next time, until I realized that it made no difference to him. Until finally, I stopped leaving things at his place just because I wanted to make him think of me more often or make him want me - now it's just out of convenience. I don't need to carry all of essentials around London anymore.


 So there definitely are pros and cons in every relationship, but when it came to Mat and Serge, I couldn't help but wonder: was I better off in a relationship where I was madly in love, with all the ups and downs and insecurities that came with it or is it preferable to be with someone and know exactly what's going on with no games or rules? And ultimately, when it comes to relationships is all the emotional draining that comes with being madly in love with someone worth the effort or is honesty a much better place? I now realize that after having been through all the emotional turmoils with Mat, I am in no position to do that all over again, nor do I want to. It definitely is worth going through such a relationship if you never been through it, I would never change any of it given the chance. But right now, for me, an honest place is much better. It's easy going and everything is clear. And maybe falling for Serge is nowhere near to what it was with Mat, but I wouldn't change that either. I guess the answer to the questions would be: "it depends on what stage of your life you are at right now". And when it comes to me, I know that I am in the type of relationship that I need and want to be at this stage of my life.

 What do you think? Did you ever have any similar experiences? Did you manage to combine the two? Or is there always a choice? Comment and let me know.



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Does Each Couple Write Their Own Rules?

10:39 Unknown 2 Comments


 In a relationship, there comes a point, when a woman will probably start wondering if everything is normal. And it comes as no surprise, that most of us, take as points of comparison other couples. Usually, if you sit and have a conversation with your girlfriends and realize that their relationship works differently from yours, there will come a point when the unavoidable question will pop on your mind as well: “is my relationship normal if we do things differently?” And it also comes as no surprise that most of us ask that question every now and then, because for some weird, unexplained reason we think that relationships should follow a specific recipe, a one-size-fits-all formula.

  As an unspoken girl rule, when two girlfriends meet up for a catch-up it is unavoidable to escape the boy-talk. So when I met Vivi for a drink a few weeks ago, whom I haven’t had a chance to catch up with for a few months, I was pleasantly surprised to hear how well her dating life was going. She had a met a guy whom she actually likes – something that happens next to never – and was dating him for a few good months. She told me how things are going perfectly well for the two of them and how surprised she was to meet someone that was on the same page as her. I recall her telling me: “We are both very busy people. We make time for each other but we give each other their own space. I see him every weekend, and we don’t talk in between. We have other things to do and we just catch up once a week when we meet up”. I remember being very surprised: “I get how busy you are, but how can you not talk at all during the week?” I recall her dismissing the question by just saying that it works for both of them and she’s happy – “after all, I like him but we are just dating”. When I got home that night, I couldn’t take her words off my mind. I was happy for her that she found something that works for her, but talking to someone you are dating for a few months just once a week seemed quite weird to me. With the fast-paced London life and crazily demanding jobs, I don’t think that anyone of us can say we are not busy. But how can you be so busy that you can’t find 10 minutes in a day to talk to the guy you are seeing? And if the real reason is not the busy schedule then what is?




I kept comparing her relationship to mine and thinking which one of the two of us has got it all wrong. I am not the type to text and call every hour, and we definitely don’t talk to each other all day long. But there’s going to be at least one phone call before we go to bed at night, just to catch up with each other. I usually don’t look for more contact throughout the day simply because that’s enough. But if I don’t get to talk to Serge at least once per day, I’ll usually be quite upset or worried the day afterwards. It was like her dating life made me question mine: am I too needy for wanting to call Serge at least once a day or did she put way too much distance between herself and the guy she’s dating? When I couldn’t understand how Vivi could make it work by only talking to him once a week, I dismissed the thought and decided that if it works for her, that’ great. Maybe each couple does write their own rules and no one else needs to understand them.

 A few days ago, after I got home at night after a long day and warmed up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie, I got a panicky phone call from Vivi. To make a long conversation short, apparently falling for someone can write off all the rules that you had created. She came to a point where she realized she had actually fallen for the guy and seeing him or talking to him just once a week was no longer enough. “I do have a lot of things to do every day, and I’m still quite happy with him… but I think I do want more contact with him. I realise that I miss him more and more every day”. As much as I wanted to help her, I wasn’t the person to talk to about this topic. I told her that the best she could do was try to talk to him a bit more, maybe text him every other day and see how it goes. Afterall, maybe this was something he wanted as well. Turns out a couple of days later she talked to him and they called their relationship exclusive and now she’s never been happier.

 But even after everything finished, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How did she come to change her mind after just a few weeks, when everything seemed to be working so perfectly for her? How can she suddenly not be happy with something that days earlier she found ideal? And ultimately, when it comes to relationships, does each couple make their own rules or is there really a one-size-fits-all formula that apply to all relationships? It is often said that falling for someone is a constant feeling of wanting more… more contact, more time with them, more reciprocation to your feelings. So if that is true, Vivi’s reaction shouldn’t come as a surprise to me. I could never see her as being needy or chasing a guy around constantly, but there’s nothing surprising about falling for someone and wanting to keep in touch with them on a regular basis. I guess the only reason that I was surprised by her, is simply because I know that usually she’s more rational than emotional, in contrast to me.


 So maybe each couple does write their own rules… up to an extent. Maybe there’s a limit to how much distance you can put between yourself and the person you are dating. Some couples text every hour, some are constantly on the phone with each other, and some meet up every day. I know Vivi would never be like that, simply because it’s extremely out for character for her. And as for me, this is not who I am either. I do get more emotional that she does, and I probably would fall for someone more easily than she will. But I would always need my space and some 'me time'. But I’ll still need to keep in touch with the person I’m seeing, at least once a day… even if that sounds needy to people that have written their rules differently. I guess not changing who you are just to be in a relationship is exactly what allows you a margin for flexibility, but then again falling for someone is often a feeling of wanting to keep the other person close to you… at least once a day.

What do you think? Does Each Couple Write Their Own Rules? What are your rules? Comment and let me know!


2 comments:

London – Cocktail Dating with @SlowDating

12:04 Unknown 0 Comments



 In a city where our jobs and daily busy schedules take up most of our time, it is often next to impossible to find a date... or even worse make time for it! And even, if somehow miraculously this happens, more often than not, the guy you met turns out not be the one you had imagined... and honestly, who has time to do that all over again and again until you finally meet the one? So naturally any solution to this is more than welcome from all of us! With five dates within two hours, and a combination of a cocktail class, SlowDating.com probably offers one of the best solutions!

 We are all nervous on first dates, the pressure of having to talk to one person (who you barely know) for the entire evening, those awkward silences that make the seconds feel like hours, and the constant self-consciousness of all your insecurities can be pretty exhausting and nerve-wrecking. Before attending the speed dating event last Thursday, my biggest relief was probably not having to go through all of that for yet another first date. It wasn't until I arrived there that I realized that everyone had probably thought the same because no one had the first-date-nervousness; quite the opposite: the atmosphere was relaxed, friendly and cozy. Usually speed dating events start straight away with meeting the dates and last for two minutes. What was great this time around was the cocktail class that took place before the dating started. All 20 people (10 guys and 10 girls) were given a catalogue to pick the cocktail they wanted to mix and the one by one we all went inside the bar and made our own cocktail with the instruction of the bartender. Needless to say I spilled half the ingredients on me along with the ice, but at least it was a good icebreaker for the people I got to talk to afterwards. While each one was making their own cocktails, we all got to mingle and speak with the bachelors and bachelorettes of the event - needless to say, "which cocktail did you go for?" became the best ice breaker of the night! So the cocktail class proved a great idea, not just for learning new skills behind the bar, but also to get to meet the people before the speed dating starts.

 If you haven't met everyone by the time the cocktail class is over, don't worry, because now it's time for the speed dating to take place. Now usually, speed dating last two minutes with each person - but honestly how much conversation can you carry on in two minutes besides a typical greeting and a short question, such as 'what do you do for a living?'. SlowDating allows four minutes per date, which gives you just enough time to exchange a few more information with the other person to decide whether he is someone you would consider seeing again... but not enough time to have any awkward silences! Admittedly, meeting ten guys one right after the other, has the upside of enhancing your chances of landing a decent future date, but it can also become monotonous as you have to ask the same questions ten times over. However, the good thing is that with the cocktail class preceding the speed dating, every girl knew every guy more or less, so the speed dating gave us the chance to carry on the conversations we had left in the middle while mixing the cocktails. 


  On any normal date, you probably have to decide on the spot whether you like the other person or not, otherwise how will you be able to answer the possible end-of-first-date-question: "when can I see you again?". At the SlowDating events, no such decision is expected right on the spot. You get your own card, where you can make notes of each person you meet and then go back home, have a think about it, talk it over with your girlfriends (just to make sure it is the right decision) and then log in their website the next day and tick the guy you liked. Your personal information is absolutely confidential, unless there is a match with any of the guys you ticked, in which case he can see your number and email address. You can log in your account regularly to check whether you have any new matches and who has ticked you - or simply carry on with your busy life and if you do happen to have a match, let them make the first move (assuming they are not too shy!). 

 Given that this was my first speed dating event ever, I had no idea what to expect but I definitely wasn't disappointed. If you are a single woman, signing up for this even you can go in there and expect to have a nice time, meet new people and most probably land a couple of dates... at least with people that you know are worth seeing again!

If you would like to know more about SlowDating.com events visit their webpage and find the even closest to you: http://www.slowdating.com/index.aspx 

*Many Thanks to SlowDating.com for the invitation to the event. All the opinions are my own.

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