When dating without expectations you open yourself to a world of unlimited opportunities and with a bi of luck, you might end up pleasantly surprised. Working in a male-dominated environment makes it impossible not to socialise predominantly with the opposite sex. But once in a blue moon there are the times that socialising turns into a little bit more than a quick drink after work on a Thursday night. Aidan and I struck up conversation on such occasion, followed by exchanging numbers, which quickly turned into mild flirting. By that point I thought this would possibly turn into a fling or possibly even casual sex… but definitely nothing prepared me for what was coming.

 After a few weeks of innocent flirting which I expected to turn into a drinks date and possibly casual sex, Aidan dropped a bomb… he wasn’t after casual sex or after a date… he was into power play and was looking for a submissive. After the initial shock, I was intrigued… I wanted to find out more, if for no other reason, just to satisfy my curiosity. Looking back at it, half a year later, I still don’t know what it was that drove me to say yes. Was I so jaded that I would try anything that came my way in search of a spark of excitement or did I actually trust Aidan enough to give up all control and dignity (in the bedroom)? I always liked a guy who knew how to take control but I always thought that I would be too nervous to give it all up and be completely vulnerable… until Aidan came my way.

 By the time Aidan came to my place for the first time, I knew that despite how nervous I felt, I wanted to let him do anything he wanted with my body. I haven’t made a habit of giving away too many explicit details in my posts, but it’s impossible to convey the experience without being a little bit graphic. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when he came over, as he had kept his cards close to his chest up until that night. But as I saw him undoing his tie and telling me to turn and put my hands behind my back, my heart was racing. After the first time, I was covered in sweat and body fluids, my mascara was running down my eyes and his tie left its mark on my wrists for days. I knew I was addicted to it – every time I looked down at the redness around my wrists or saw the bruises he left on my body it reminded me of how he made my blood flow faster through my veins and my heart race so fast I thought it would stop. I remembered how he pushed my boundaries to the limit and every time it all became too much to handle he would smoothly ran his fingers down my back and my body's reaction was immediate: my breathing returned to its regular pace and I no longer felt like my heart would stop.

 And that was when I realised it… not only did I trust this man to take advantage of my body any way he pleased, he also had the power to calm me down and make everything go away just by touching me. In retrospect, what startled me the most was not the experiences that Aidan introduced me, but how intense this sexual encounter was and ultimately all the trust that was building up between the two of us – and how close we started growing. I knew our arrangement was purely sexual, but after a while, I couldn’t help but wonder: If I was willing to let Aidan push my boundaries more than anyone had before, and let myself experience fantasies I never thought I would, could I trust him completely but manage to not fall in love with him? And could I possibly answer that question for myself before it's too late or would only time tell?

 I might not have been able to answer that question, but I knew that opportunities like this don’t come very often and people that you can completely trust in these scenarios are rare – so I wanted to make the best of it and experience as much as I possibly could when I had the chance to. So with that in mind, I stopped overthinking and over-analysing every possible scenario – instead I opened my mind to new experiences and decided to enjoy every minute of it…

Sometimes, when things get hard, and you see one dating failure succeeding another one, it’s hard not to lose hope and not to give up on your search for love all together. When it comes to dating, after seeing my catastrophes repeating themselves with different guys, I couldn’t help but wonder – In a city like London, where possibilities are limitless, why does it seem that when it comes to guys I only had one?  Why does it seem like every relationship/dating attempt I make will end in nothing, but a disaster and a complete waste of time? When I realised that I couldn’t answer that question, no matter how hard I tried, I decided to change my perspective on dating – or maybe I just gave up…

As a girl, every time I meet someone new, I don’t just try to establish whether the guy will be good to date for a couple of weeks or just sleep with for the night and then wave goodbye. I usually like to find out more about them and their lives – evaluating whether I could see myself with them in the foreseeable future. And if I go out with them a few times and I see that they might be a good match, I find no need in dating other guys, until I see where my current dating endeavour will lead. So, naturally, when I met Cristiano I applied the well-known, familiar dating routine I was so accustomed to. Little did I know that he would end up being worse than most of the rest ones. Not only did Cristiano represent the exact pattern of guys I always go for – arrogant, selfish and self-absorbed – but he proved to be a lot worse. Cristiano enjoyed making a spectacle out of his many conquests, by categorising them, undermining them and exposing the admiration they had for him. He liked to boast about the number of women he had slept with and how none of them meant anything to him, despite their best efforts. He liked to believe that simply because he had been cheated on and had his heart broken in the past, he had the right to treat women like objects. His sexual fetishes only verified his resentment towards all females. And when the short dating escapade between Cristiano and me ended – because as you can see, it is evident that it would never had lasted – I couldn’t help but notice a pattern between all guys. No guy is looking for the one when dating; no guy dates just one girl and sees it out until they see how the future looks with her. On the contrary, I came to realise that guys work very differently.

The dating pattern that guys tend to follow is neither meticulous nor calculative. Men live in constant fear of losing their freedom – so naturally they date girls randomly, just to have fun and long-term potential is nowhere near their train of thought when they go on the first few dates. Dating seems to be like a race when it comes to ‘the one’ for them – the girl that lasts the longer and puts up with their overactive dating life, will make the cut. But other than that, they have sex with multiple girls at the same period of time, they enjoy dating them and cuddling them – they like them all, but not enough to be with one. When it comes to men and women, as a general rule, it seems that the former like the idea of dating more than they like the people involved in the process, while the latter view dating as an unnecessary evil in search of a relationship. And once I realised that there’s a different mind-set to it, it made my life a lot easier…

I suddenly decided I had enough; I had lived through the same disappointment in the face of different guys and Cristiano was the icing on the cake – I wasn’t prepared to go through that anytime soon again.  If men can date differently, I can do the same! And just like that, I stopped dating one guy at a time, I stopped expecting a date to be more than what it was and I stopped trying to envision any future with any of them. I stopped caring if the guy I saw last night would text me or not, because I had 5 more texting me and I stopped caring when I would see him again because I had 3 more dates planned in the next week. On the contrary, I almost wished he wouldn’t want to see me again any time in the next two weeks simply because I had no time and he was so replaceable. I enjoyed seeing all the guys, but suddenly none of them were important. They were a number, they were a way to pass my time pleasantly, to have a drink, dinner, a movie or sex and then get on with my life. And just like that, I finally started to feel liberated and actually enjoyed each date for what it was. Dating ceased being a painful necessity to find ‘the one’ – it was a fun way to spend my time and there was no pressure on myself or any of the guys I was seeing.

 I’m not quite sure whether I gave up on looking for the right guy or if I just discovered the key to dating effortlessly and enjoying – but I know that I am not willing to trade it  with yet another disappointment. So dating like a man can be fun, but I don’t expect anything to come out of it anymore. So for the time being, dating without expectations is fun and effortless, and if at the end of the day something come out of it, then let it be – but I definitely don’t expect it to. 

There’s always one guy that you always knew was completely wrong for you in every possible sense, but you still went for it – if for no other reason, maybe because there is always something incredibly hot about sleeping with someone that you know you definitely shouldn’t. For me, that guy was Craig. Arrogant, sleazy, immoral and definitely unavailable in every possible way. I’ve known Craig for more than a year now but never gave into any of his advances… that was until I broke up with Serge.

 The details of how I know Craig are unnecessary – but I never liked him. His unjustified and needless arrogance is always borderline insultive to anyone around him and his luck of any trace of moral framework makes him one of the least likeable people I have ever met in my life. As much as I always hated everything about him… I couldn't help but find it just as intoxicating. His advances towards me began almost a year ago and there was nothing subtle, romantic or sweet about them. There is always something flattering about a guy wanting you and expressing it – even in the despicable way that Craig did it. But as much as I turned him down, time after time, the tension between us was growing - so much that a friend once said you could cut it with a knife. And time after time, I found myself thinking about sleeping with him – afterall, some of the best sex I ever had was with guys I was never meant to be with. The last time I turned him down was right after Serge broke up with me. I was vulnerable and emotional, but couldn’t even think about sleeping with anyone else at the time…

But as it is very well-known by now, I never had self-discipline going for me as a virtue, and after a night of drinking I found myself in Craig’s bed. After all the tension that was building up over the last few months, there I was having some of the best sex I ever did with a man I practically hated. After I woke up from my drunken night with Craig, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had pushed me to give in to him this time round – was it the alcohol, the tension that had been building up between us for months now… or was it more than that? Was Craig a validation to my shuttered ego after my break-up with Serge? Was I too vulnerable (and drunk) – and did Craig happen to be there at the right place and time? Whatever it was, I kept going back for more over the next couple of months… over and over again I found myself having some of the hottest sex and then hating myself for it – how can something that felt so good at the time, feel so wrong afterwards?

 Then along came Gerald (see What We Are Not) and I made a point of ending and erasing the whole mistake with Craig – cold turkey. And I was relieved to do it, completely forgot about him and was able to fully enjoy my fling with Gerald… until it was over. And then, like clockwork, I found myself in Craig’s bed once again. I won’t be tempted to say in Craig’s arms… that was never the case, we never had that type of relationship – it was just sex and then one of us was in a cab back home. I couldn’t understand what it was that was drawing me back to him time after time, wanting more. But what I did know was that I needed someone to slap me back into reality – so I reached out to Sandra. 

  Admittedly I was embarrassed to tell her that I had fallen back into the same trap with Craig for the second time – her disapproval of my affair the first time still made me blush with shame, but I had no choice. To my great embarrassment she didn’t sound surprised at all – “I knew you would do this” she said to me somewhere between my overwhelming shame and her reasoning, “you do the same thing every time. You find the worst possible guy for you, when you are at your most vulnerable, and you go back to him over and over again. Why do you do this to yourself?” And just like that I lost the earth beneath my feet – it was one thing to have a brief affair that was wrong; it was quite another to realise that I do this every time.

 After I left Sarah that afternoon, I couldn’t shake the thought. She was right – I went back to Craig after both Serge and Gerald. I did the same with Matt – I knew how wrong he was for me and I kept going back for more (see Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?). And in light of a trusted friend’s opinion, I couldn’t help but wonder: Was Craig not just a validation to my shuttered ego, was he the sequence to my overly repeated, self-destructing, devastatingly painful pattern? And if so, did Craig fit a sick, distorted relationship pattern that I had developed, or did he fit my in-between relationship pattern? Was he a safety net that I kept going back to when all else failed?

 Either way, I couldn’t afford to explore the answer to those questions. I had to break that pattern – it was sick and painful. And at the end of the day, the more I came in contact with Craig, the more danger I ran of getting emotionally attached to him – and that’s definitely something I didn’t want. So I decided to break my pattern right then and there – I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist texting and reaching out to him when I felt like it, so I took drastic measures. I deleted every evidence of Craig’s existence – every text message, phone call and trace of contact detail on my phone. I’m sure his huge ego didn’t take the blow very well and it’s not easy for me either (of course I would never admit that out loud – I have my own ego to look after). But at the end it was worth it, because just like that, I finally managed to break my pattern – whatever that was.

Do you have a pattern in the men you pick or relationships you tend to get into? If so, what is it? Is it healthy, or self-destructive, like mine? 

 You know the jitters you get when you go on a first date? The nerve-wrecking anxiousness of what to wear, what to say, how to behave? Every girl is familiar with it. My experience with Gerald was nothing like that… It was one of those rare occasions where you feel that for some inexplicable reason, the person that you met an hour ago and who’s now halfway through their second drink, is someone you’ve known for years. I met Gerald online and was talking to him for quite a while before arranging our first date – and it was clear we’d hit it off really well even before we met. So when we finally met, it came as no surprise that I got ahead of myself and even after the first couple of times of seeing him I managed to picture myself in a proper relationship with him. Afterall, we never ran out of things to say, he was smart, charming, he made me laugh and the sex was out of this world – what could go wrong right?

 With everything going great a month into dating Gerald, I was in no hurry to call it a relationship. I was going with the flow and enjoying it. I didn’t feel the need to rush into anything, if it was meant to be it would eventually be. But that was until I found out I was running out of time – a few weeks later Gerald dropped a bomb. I woke up one morning to an unsettling text saying that he was moving to America in 3 weeks’ time, for a few months, and he had no interest in having a long distance relationship, so it would be better to keep it casual until he leaves.  And I was suddenly confronted with one of the biggest controversies that’s all too familiar to the female species – I couldn’t have Gerald the way I wanted to… so I suddenly wanted him more.  I tried to reason with him – I said we weren’t yet in a relationship and it wasn’t really long distance, it was just 2-3 months. I said we can forget about calling it exclusive for now but stay in touch when he’s away and see how it goes. But he wouldn’t listen – he said that he knew himself too well and it wouldn’t work. He didn’t give me any options so with the danger of getting attached, and eventually hurt, I agreed to keep seeing him for the next few weeks until he leaves. I knew I ultimately wanted more from him but just like my fellow hopeless romantics before me I dove into something that had absolutely no hope to turn into anything real.

 The three weeks came and passed and soon it was the night before the big day. I was feeling awkward – expiration dating was something I’d done in the past, but I didn’t know how to end it. So when he called me that night, somewhere over a long conversation and a bittersweet taste in my mouth, I said “so I guess this is goodbye then?” And then something amazing happened – he changed his mind. He said to me, “Let’s just keep in touch and see how it goes”. That was all I wanted – now I had a chance to give it a shot and I was determined to make it work. But despite my best intentions and hopes, this was the last time we ever spoke as anything more than mere acquaintances.

 From the next day onwards, the ocean in between us drove us apart faster than his flight to Washington. I did my best to stay in touch with him but he just wasn’t bothered. He would hardly reply to my texts and would never text first. I barely knew what was going on in his life and he had no interest in what was going on in mine. Ignoring all better judgement and reason, I was still holding on. I didn’t know what we were anymore, but I knew what we weren’t – we definitely weren’t anywhere close to making it work. I liked him enough to hold on for about 5-6 weeks. I kept saying to myself that if I do happen to meet someone else then I would give that a shot, but in the meantime I wasn’t ready to let go of a guy I really liked. I tried to keep Gerald in the background and move on with my dating life, but I realised I liked him way too much to move on – and he couldn’t care less.

 After losing it one night and making myself seem like a needy, clingy teenage girl, driving him even further away, I decided it was time let it go. I didn’t do it to clear up things between us – it was crystal clear on his side of the planet. I did it so that I could move on. I decided to write a long text and tell him the truth – I didn’t mind waiting another month for him to come back, but we weren’t on the same page, and he was holding me back. He completely agreed of course. I eventually realised I did the right thing – a little bit too late. I knew I held onto too many things in my life for way longer than I should have – things that meant a lot to me and things that hurt me. There was no point in holding onto someone I barely knew, just to get hurt in the end. Admittedly, it did upset me a bit more than I thought it would have – but that’s what happens when a crush doesn’t work out.

 A couple of weeks after it all ended, I can’t help but wonder: did I really like Gerald that much or did I find comfort in the fact that it was so easy with him when he was here? Was I too scared to enter the dating world again after taking a break that I held onto the first guy I dated after Serge, so much, that I was willing to fight for him even when I knew there was no hope? I may never be able to answer that, but one thing is certain – whether I like it or not, it’s about time I get out of my comfort zone and start dating again!

It is undeniable that we only learn from our mistakes. If you can’t say ‘been there, done that – never again!’, then you probably don’t know first hand what it feels like to make one mistake after the other and taking an oath never to do it again because it just hurts too much. But looking back at the countless failures and mistakes made through the years, I couldn’t help but wonder: How much do I know now that I didn’t know back then? And would it make a difference if someone had told me this before, or would I just go and make my own mistakes anyway?  Chances are, I would probably go ahead and make the same mistakes, just because I’m stubborn and never listen to anyone. But if I could actually talk to my younger self, then I would definitely have lots to tell me. And for those of you out there that wonder what we do wrong and what lessons we need to learn, here’s a list of the most important ones: 

1. More is Less – Stop overdressing and stop wearing three layers of make-up just to impress a guy. It just doesn’t work like that. The most beautiful look is the natural one. No one said go out in sweatpants, but keep your outfit simple and comfortable and your makeup natural. No guy ever said: “She looked amazing with three layers of foundation on!”. And if they did say that, trust me, it was no compliment!

 2.  Be Confident – The sexiest thing on a woman is confidence. Wear a smile instead of high heels and believe in yourself. Walk down the street and look straight ahead, not at your feet. Believe in your strengths and embrace your weaknesses. Have a positive outlook and killer attitude. Red lipstick won’t make up for it!
       
 3. You deserve more than you think you do – so many times I settled for less than I was worth, and I probably will do it a few more before I learn. We simply don’t think that we are worth a lot so we just settle for what we get. So many of us just settle and get comfortable in a less than ideal situation, just because we feel like there’s nothing better out there. Newsflash: there is! And you are worth it! (note: L’Oréal did not sponsor me for this!). If he made you cry, he’s not worth your tears – so get up and get out of there. You’ll find something better.

 5. If you are not a priority from the beginning, you will never be – I had to find this out in the very hard way. I stuck around Matt for years waiting for him his girlfriend and make me his priority (see Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?). And surprise surprise – it never happened! Don’t waste as many years as I did, life’s too short. Find someone who will make you their priority.

 6. A big age difference will catch up on you – It’s all fun and games dating older men – the charm, the experience, the life lessons. But it’s almost inevitable not to get attached (see How much difference does a 20-year age difference really make?). And more often than not, you two will have different goals and priorities in life – or the very least, different time spans. And you will get hurt.

8. If he’s too good looking, he’s probably not good in bed - Admittedly this is a vain one. And it is not based on a deep philosophy or theory. It’s almost like an observation I made over the years. If they are too good looking, they never had to look for sex – it just always happened. So they tend to rely too much on their good looks and not skills. So more often than not, they are not the best lovers.

      

9. There’ no Prince Charming – And no he won’t come to rescue you on his white horse. Learn to rescue yourself! And I cannot emphasize this enough! Stop looking for the perfect guy, he doesn’t exist. And the sooner you realize this, the faster you can start looking for something real. Look for someone to love with all his flaws and imperfections. Find someone with all its negative traits and decide whether you can leave with them or not – that’s the real thing!

10. Don’t expect anyone to love you, if you don’t learn to love yourself first – if you are not happy in your own skin and you are not happy with yourself – why would anyone else be? If don’t love who you are, how do you expect anyone else to do it? No one will do it for you. Learn to love yourself, because that’s the most important relationship you will have for your whole life. All else will just fall into place.

 In a relationship, there comes a point, when a woman will probably start wondering if everything is normal. And it comes as no surprise, that most of us, take as points of comparison other couples. Usually, if you sit and have a conversation with your girlfriends and realize that their relationship works differently from yours, there will come a point when the unavoidable question will pop on your mind as well: “is my relationship normal if we do things differently?” And it also comes as no surprise that most of us ask that question every now and then, because for some weird, unexplained reason we think that relationships should follow a specific recipe, a one-size-fits-all formula.

  As an unspoken girl rule, when two girlfriends meet up for a catch-up it is unavoidable to escape the boy-talk. So when I met Vivi for a drink a few weeks ago, whom I haven’t had a chance to catch up with for a few months, I was pleasantly surprised to hear how well her dating life was going. She had a met a guy whom she actually likes – something that happens next to never – and was dating him for a few good months. She told me how things are going perfectly well for the two of them and how surprised she was to meet someone that was on the same page as her. I recall her telling me: “We are both very busy people. We make time for each other but we give each other their own space. I see him every weekend, and we don’t talk in between. We have other things to do and we just catch up once a week when we meet up”. I remember being very surprised: “I get how busy you are, but how can you not talk at all during the week?” I recall her dismissing the question by just saying that it works for both of them and she’s happy – “after all, I like him but we are just dating”. When I got home that night, I couldn’t take her words off my mind. I was happy for her that she found something that works for her, but talking to someone you are dating for a few months just once a week seemed quite weird to me. With the fast-paced London life and crazily demanding jobs, I don’t think that anyone of us can say we are not busy. But how can you be so busy that you can’t find 10 minutes in a day to talk to the guy you are seeing? And if the real reason is not the busy schedule then what is?

I kept comparing her relationship to mine and thinking which one of the two of us has got it all wrong. I am not the type to text and call every hour, and we definitely don’t talk to each other all day long. But there’s going to be at least one phone call before we go to bed at night, just to catch up with each other. I usually don’t look for more contact throughout the day simply because that’s enough. But if I don’t get to talk to Serge at least once per day, I’ll usually be quite upset or worried the day afterwards. It was like her dating life made me question mine: am I too needy for wanting to call Serge at least once a day or did she put way too much distance between herself and the guy she’s dating? When I couldn’t understand how Vivi could make it work by only talking to him once a week, I dismissed the thought and decided that if it works for her, that’ great. Maybe each couple does write their own rules and no one else needs to understand them.

 A few days ago, after I got home at night after a long day and warmed up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie, I got a panicky phone call from Vivi. To make a long conversation short, apparently falling for someone can write off all the rules that you had created. She came to a point where she realized she had actually fallen for the guy and seeing him or talking to him just once a week was no longer enough. “I do have a lot of things to do every day, and I’m still quite happy with him… but I think I do want more contact with him. I realise that I miss him more and more every day”. As much as I wanted to help her, I wasn’t the person to talk to about this topic. I told her that the best she could do was try to talk to him a bit more, maybe text him every other day and see how it goes. Afterall, maybe this was something he wanted as well. Turns out a couple of days later she talked to him and they called their relationship exclusive and now she’s never been happier.

 But even after everything finished, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How did she come to change her mind after just a few weeks, when everything seemed to be working so perfectly for her? How can she suddenly not be happy with something that days earlier she found ideal? And ultimately, when it comes to relationships, does each couple make their own rules or is there really a one-size-fits-all formula that apply to all relationships? It is often said that falling for someone is a constant feeling of wanting more… more contact, more time with them, more reciprocation to your feelings. So if that is true, Vivi’s reaction shouldn’t come as a surprise to me. I could never see her as being needy or chasing a guy around constantly, but there’s nothing surprising about falling for someone and wanting to keep in touch with them on a regular basis. I guess the only reason that I was surprised by her, is simply because I know that usually she’s more rational than emotional, in contrast to me.

 So maybe each couple does write their own rules… up to an extent. Maybe there’s a limit to how much distance you can put between yourself and the person you are dating. Some couples text every hour, some are constantly on the phone with each other, and some meet up every day. I know Vivi would never be like that, simply because it’s extremely out for character for her. And as for me, this is not who I am either. I do get more emotional that she does, and I probably would fall for someone more easily than she will. But I would always need my space and some 'me time'. But I’ll still need to keep in touch with the person I’m seeing, at least once a day… even if that sounds needy to people that have written their rules differently. I guess not changing who you are just to be in a relationship is exactly what allows you a margin for flexibility, but then again falling for someone is often a feeling of wanting to keep the other person close to you… at least once a day.

What do you think? Does Each Couple Write Their Own Rules? What are your rules? Comment and let me know!

  

 As we get older, and move from relationship to relationship it is unavoidable that we will see some patterns repeating themselves. Most of us found ourselves (probably in every relationship we ever had) being disappointed in our guy for the same things over and over again. As if wondering what goes on in our minds and what we feel goes wrong with our guys wasn’t enough, there comes a time when we have to learn the awful truth: there’s always two sides to every story; we don’t just get disappointed in our guys, they get disappointed in us as well.

 As women, we are, by nature, designed to obsess about every little thing. We are well known for overanalyzing each and every detail, creating imaginary scenarios in our minds and then overreacting to them as well. So there comes a point in every relationship when we feel like something is off – even if everything is perfectly normal. Maybe he doesn’t call often enough, maybe he seems like he doesn’t care, maybe we think he doesn’t want us enough.... and maybe, just maybe this is all in our head. Just like most women out there, I tend to overthink every little detail: “Why hasn’t he called in the past few hours?”, “He doesn’t seem to be pretty into me lately”, “Maybe he’s losing interest, am I doing something wrong?”. Most of the times these are things we wonder, or obsess about to our friends but usually never tell the guy what goes on in our head – primarily because everything is a creation of our imagination; and we knew this all along! But even if this is the case, we all know perfectly well that our insecurities have their own way to manifest themselves, and these little obsessions are the most common one. But I just didn’t know how much until I got a guy’s point of view on this. One morning, over coffee at Serge’s place, he opened his ex-files. As much as this is completely unnecessary in a new relationship, there is something intriguing about finding out about your guy’s past relationships, and what went wrong – the very least, this could help you figure out a dating pattern. But, I wasn’t prepared at all for what I found out.

Apparently, our dating behaviour changes from bad to worst as we get older, and as soon as we hit early to mid 30s and our biological clock starts ticking, it gets the worst it can get. Here I was, placing all on my hopes on the illusion that I will learn from my dating mistakes as I get older and possibly be able to balance a proper relationship in 10 years time ... when it all came tumbling down. Apparently not only do we not learn anything from our past dating failures, but we get impatient... and start believing that emotional manipulation is the way to go when it comes to keeping a guy. As soon as Serge said that to me, I dismissed it as an overgeneralization of his past dating failures. But even when I got home, I still kept over obsessing about that topic (as a woman naturally would do), so I figured I’ll use my good old friend google to look into it. And I couldn’t believe it... there it was, my worst dating fear coming to life: all sorts of blog posts, comments and even famous magazine articles, all talking about the exact same thing – emotionally manipulating the men we are in a relationship with through the use of drama, dominating them, making them wait, withholding sex, underestimating them, making them jealous, instructing them on how to do things, and the lists went on and on. As I stared in horror at the countless webpages, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this going to be me in ten years time, is there any way to avoid it, or horror of horrors .... is that me already? Yes, we do like to play little games, make our men jealous from time to time, just to get some more attention or make them chase us a little, and maybe even subtly suggesting how they should change a few things we don’t like ... but is this taking a whole new dimension and overwhelming all the men we are dating? And as if this wasn’t bad enough, Serge gave me yet another reason why women in their 30s have more dating failures than successes: most of them start dating with an ultimate goal in their mind – to get married and start a family. Of course this is reasonable, but apparently, the pursuit of that goal, makes women rush into things, and forgetting to actually enjoy the relationship. At least that’s one thing that we girls in our 20s have over women in their 30s: we just enjoy the relationship for what it is and not for what it can turn into in the near future.   But the more I got to think about it, the more infuriated I got: not only did I get personally offended after this conversation, but it seems like most guys out there blame us for whatever goes wrong in the relationship.

 And just when I thought it wouldn’t get any worse, Serge gave me the old time classic reason that women find themselves single in their mid-30s: they are waiting for Prince Charming. I recall him saying:”About 3-4 months into the relationship, they realize that the guy is not Prince Charming, he can’t be there whenever she needs him, he has his own life, his own job and his own responsibilities... and that’s about the time they break up with him”. Now that’s an argument I actually couldn’t refute; that’s something that does happen and I have seen it; it’s something I even wrote about before in my blog (see Why are we still single?).  But even so, standing there, completely shocked and losing all faith in a normal stable relationship, I couldn’t find any answers to all the questions that kept going through my mind: Why are you dating me? Why are you even dating in general? And even worse, Are you expecting me to turn into one of those women in a few months time? Are you expecting me to explode in a couple of months because you are not Prince Charming or maybe start manipulating you to get what I want? And by now I know I won’t find any answers to those questions; even Kate was shocked when she heard all this, asking me the exact same questions to which I have no idea how to answer.

 Despite all this, I decided to stick around; not so much to prove him wrong and confirm that all womankind is not mentally imbalanced and psychotic, but mostly because I have to prove myself right. I may not even make a difference to him, but I’m not going to back down just because he thinks that we are all crazy women looking to get married with Prince Charming (or turn any guy into Prince Charming), have his babies and settle down in a fairytale-like relationship. Afterall, as naive as I sound saying this, who wouldn’t get bored of Prince Charming? Every woman wants a guy who has flaws; they are the best part and you just learn to love them. As for the emotional manipulation – I guess some women must do that, and some guys can’t put up with this, but honestly at this point, the only thing that counts is to be honest, respect the guy you are with and show him that you are his, not make him doubt it and keep him in a constant fear that you might run away ... and everything else will eventually fall into place. At least that’s what we have to keep believing, otherwise we might just give up on dating right here and now, because we are all doomed.

 Ever had that kind of experience with your man or heard of similar stories? Comment and let me know 

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This is not one of the most controversial topics when it comes to dating, and definitely not one of the most uncommon ones. But simple as it may seem, after I found myself dating men with children twice in the past 6 months, I realised that in reality, it’s a way more complex topic than we think. Just to clarify what I’m talking about: this article is about single men with children – they might have been married before or just had a long-term girlfriend, but at present they are single fathers. If you found yourself dating a single father you would have realised the baggage that comes with them and if this was your first time (and possibly had a significant age difference as well), you noticed that they are not as easy to date as men without children. So this is the story of Jeff and Ronnie, both of them single fathers.

  Jeff is 31 and father to two children, one boy and one girl, both under the age of 5. The story with Jeff is simple and plain – we started dating and about a fortnight into it I received a text saying “I don’t have time for a relationship, my kids keep me crazy busy. Is casual sex ok?” I was itching to reply “Since you put it so nicely, how could I refuse?”...that never happened! I said no it was not ok, I never indicated that was what I was looking for and he never did either. So when I said no he said ‘Ok, I will delete your number” and that was that. I didn’t put much thought into it, I just wrote him off as just another jerk. When I met Ronnie though, I had to rethink the whole ‘dating men with children’ situation.

 Ronnie is 29 and father of a boy, aged two and a half. (I just need to mention here how weird it is for me to introduce in an article a guy and his children – I guess there’s a first for everything!) I met Ronnie about two weeks ago – he is one of my friend’s housemate and when I stayed over at hers for the weekend Ronnie and I became quite close. Well more than that actually: one of the nights I was there they threw a house party and we ended up sleeping together, both a bit drunk. I was ready to write the whole thing off as a one-night-stand by the next morning, when I saw that Ronnie wanted to actually get to know me. I wasn’t sure at first , given my past single father experience, but then I started getting into him and decided to give it a go.

  The weekend went by so fast and when I returned to my fast-paced city-life I was surprised to find out that Ronnie still wanted to keep in touch and started texting me. So about ten days went by with back and forth funny and flirty texting - comfortable and easy going - when he decided to drop a bomb-question.  A couple of days ago, during a lazy afternoon, I received a text from Ronnie “ I have to ask you something: Do you see this as friends with benefits or do you like me more than that?” You know when you are dating a guy and this question keeps racing through your mind until you finally have to ask it? It didn’t even occur to me this time! I liked talking to Ronnie, I liked kissing him and sleeping with him and I liked getting to know him – but I never thought beyond that. Most girls would love to have the guy clarify the big question this early, but I just didn’t know what to say! So I simply said: “I don’t just want to be friends with benefits, I tried that and it didn’t end well (my tragic end with Mat kept ringing a bell in my mind at that point), but I don’t know yet how I see this. I might like you more than that, but I’m just getting to know you so I can’t tell yet..” And just when I thought I had escaped the uncomfortable question easily, Ronnie let it all out “I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I’m almost thirty years old and a dad. I know what I want and I’m looking to settle down. I fancy you and I enjoy getting to know you, but I get that you are in your early 20s and you need to live your life now”.  I have to admit I was anxious now, so I had to tell him the truth: I’m not ready to settle down, there are so many things I want to do with my life: I need to finish my masters, get a job, travel around, find myself... How could I know what I want now? So to make a long story short, after a conversation Ronnie and I decided that we’ll take it as it goes, and pretty much we are on the same page... for now.

 But what troubles me is not what’s going to happen with Ronnie in the future. He’s great until now and I’ll just take things as they come...  but after our conversation I couldn’t keep myself from thinking about what had happened with Jeff and comparing the two. Jeff is not just the jerk I thought he was – he’s someone that clearly knows what he wants, and he knows I wasn’t it. So he just thought he’d get the best out of our short dating-life. And it’s reasonable: they are looking to settle down; they are dads. They have huge responsibilities and priorities; the last thing they want to worry about is a troubled dating life. But even if they are the one type of guy that knows what they want, I can’t help but wondering: How can we be on the same page? If I don’t have those responsibilities, and what I want to do right now is live life to the fullest, how can a single father and I make it work? and even worse, could it be that I like the idea of a single father because of the responsibility and experience that comes with them, but deep down I know that it will never work? and if so, why do I keep dating them?

 Just like with most of my dating choices, I know why I choose them: they are a form of challenge. Something so different from me and from what I know that I have to try. Plus, I like the idea of sleeping with a man that has two different sides to him in two different situations – as weird as this sounds. And there’s another major factor that all girls should keep in mind when it comes to dating single fathers: you will always come second! And of course, it’s reasonable – their priority is their children. But just like I don’t know how to behave around children, I don’t know how to behave with a man whose life revolves around a child. Maybe I’m not cut out for this, or maybe I’m too young for it. But either way, I decided to still see Ronnie for the coming future for as long as this lasts. As long as we are on the same page, we might as well stick to it – whether this lasts a week or a month. As long as we are both having fun then there is nothing more to question right now!

 What is your opinion about dating single fathers? Would you do it or have you done it? And what did you think of it? How did it turn out? Comment and let me know!!