In a world where a girl faking her orgasm is as natural as faking her hair colour, it is no wonder that so many women keep wondering how much of our relationships are we really faking! Personally I never questioned how much faking goes on in a relationship before hearing Shayla’s story.

  Shayla and I had been friends for a few years when she met Ricky. Both Shayla and I had a pretty busy schedule, which meant that we only rarely had time to sit and talk about her relationship. She and Ricky met last year around this time and they jumped into a relationship quite fast. I remember bringing this to her attention and her saying: “Well I feel comfortable with him, I never felt like that with anyone else”. I guess at the time that was enough for me. As long as she was happy I was happy for her and that was pretty much it. 

 Somewhere between a month into their relationship and our pile of work Shayla and I had some time to grab a coffee and talk, when she told me: ‘Sex is not that great with Ricky. I’ve  been faking my orgasms with him the first few times and now I have to keep doing it, because I did it before and if I don’t, he’ll realize that something is wrong. I can’t just tell him you are not good at it!” I was speechless, everything seemed to be going so well and then she suddenly dropped a bomb on me. I had no idea what to tell her except: ‘You know nothing’s going to change unless you talk to him about it though, right?’ I remember her saying she would talk to him about it before leaving that afternoon, but truth is she never talked to me about this again and I didn’t want to bring it up.

 What really got me thinking though was what happened a few months later. When Shayla came to talk to me about a month ago she wasn’t happy in her relationship. She seemed sceptical and confused. She told me: “He’s doesn’t do things he says he will do, he’s irresponsible and forgetful; he’s unpredictable. I tried talking to him about it months ago but nothing’s changed, so I gave up. I just pretend nothing’s wrong and that I’m happy, but really I’m not”. That's when it hit me: Faking doesn't stop at orgasms. Have we gone past faking orgasms... are we faking entire relationships now? In a world where it’s natural for women to fake as much as possible- we fake our hair colour, our cup-size, hell we’ve even faked fur! – is it possible that we can fake our emotions too? How much do we really settle for and for what reason? It is true that women all around settle for a lot less than they deserve, out of fear of dying old and alone. So many think that if they are in a relationship they might as well do the best they can to stay there because this is as good as it gets... Is it better to fake it than be alone?

 When I  couldn’t decide, I turned to Javier: “I never faked a thing in my life... let alone an orgasm! If I’m not happy where I am and I can’t change it I just leave. I know I’ll find somewhere else what I deserve”. Javier made me smile, and then I realised it: The fear of being alone is admittedly a great one among single women all over the world, but (for me at least) settling is not an option. As long as you realize that you deserve much better and you don’t settle for anything, you’ll find someone else and there will be no need to fake anything.

 So maybe we can fake our hair colour, our cup-size, fur or even orgasms (but still not advisable!), but in reality, there’s no chance we can fake our emotions! Sooner or later it will catch up on you and you’ll end up hating yourself and looking for a way to get out of the hell-hole you put yourself in. So ladies, better get out of there before it gets too late. Oh and if you are wondering, Shayla didn’t settle: she stopped faking it and broke up with Ricky. Bu I knew she wouldn’t settle, it was a matter of time before she realized it. She still loves him of course, but she’s realized that the only way to be happy is to let him go and move on with her life!

What are your views on faking? Do you fake more than orgasms? Would you settle for anything less than you deserve out of fear of being alone? Comment and let me know!

This is going to be a long post, I have a lot to say on the subject and this doesn’t even cover everything!

I wanted to write this post for some time now, but I felt I wasn’t ready for it. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to tell people how to get over their break ups, given the fact that I haven’t properly gotten over mine yet and I don’t know when I will. But I know that I’m on a good way. I really hope this post helps some of you since I know that many of you are going through this and I know firsthand how much it sucks. This is a very recent story and one that still breaks my heart, but it was about time I tell you how I deal(t) with my breakup and hopefully it will be a wakeup call for some of you, as it was for me.

 You probably know my recent stories up to now, and how I came to feel heartbroken (if not see Just sex… or something more? and Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you). My break up became official around a month ago at 3.30 in the morning… through Skype! I know it sucks, but when you live an ocean away this is the only way to go. That night I cried myself to sleep until 5.30 in the morning, I woke up around 7.30 and cried myself to sleep all over again. This pattern was repeated every hour until 12 at noon when I finally woke up with swollen eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed so I switched off my cell phone and got under the covers for the next two days. I only got up for a trip to the fridge and then back again. I cried myself to sleep and drowned in my own thoughts. Two days later I decided it was about time to take some drastic action. I was about to exchange my old guy for three new ones: Jack, Ben & Jerry. Such a cliché right? But if it worked for so many others it would work for me as well! So I got up, threw a coat on top of my pyjamas and dragged my feet to the nearest supermarket. When I made it to the cashier with two cartons of Chunky Monkey and a bottle of whisky, some crisps and a few other delicacies the man behind the till looked down at my to-be purchases, looked up at my poor sense of fashion and my swollen eyes and said: “You know this won’t bring him back”…. And SNAP! What had just happened? I was speechless… there it was, pity from the man behind the till at my local store; Pity from someone who didn’t even know me. That was the last straw, I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself anymore or make anyone else feel sorry for me. I rushed back home and decided to become a human being again: I took a shower, put on some proper clothes and threw the overused pajamas in the wash, changed bed sheets (god knows how much that was needed after two days of literally living in my sheets!). Note that this by no means ceased the pain that I felt: but the world wouldn’t stop spinning for my grief and life didn’t stop there! I decided that if I need to get through this I needed to put my restlessness into something healthier. I threw myself into work straight away: I worked 16 hours a day, was ahead at every module at university and attended all my classes. I couldn’t stop working for even an hour because the minute I did I would choke on my tears. I realize that my method wasn’t that healthy but at least it was healthier than eating up two cartons of Chunky Monkey and downing a bottle of whisky while feeling sorry for myself at the same time.

 I know how break ups are: did I want to talk to him? Yes every minute of every day. Did I talk to him: embarrassingly yes I tried. Not because I thought it would change something but because it would give me some kind of closure. He was someone I used to talk to every day, about everything and about anything. It was unbelievably hard to just shut him down. But I learnt to deal with the pain that came with a heartbreak: it’s unbelievably painful, sometimes it hurts so much you can literally feel the pain physically, you feel like you are body is collapsing and you choke on air, you have to stop your mind from wandering off otherwise your tears will drop down your cheeks, it’s unbelievably hard to talk about your feelings to anyone and to expect them to understand. Sometimes you don’t even want to talk about it because if you do, it means that it really happened.  Every now and then my friends still ask: ‘Do you feel better?’ and my response is always the same: ‘No but I got used to it’. It is my personal belief that we don’t ever get over our past loves. We still love them but somehow, with the passage of time, we learn to deal with the pain and get used to it: after all, time is the best cure.

 That was my personal break up story, and of course I’m still not over it. The pain and the tears might not be that bad now but they are still there… and I know it will take a long time to get over them. I still go on with my life and I feel more and more like myself every day. I’m not ready to start dating though, even though I met a great guy, who has been amazing from the very first day I met him. I will probably write about him soon, but he’s the type of guy that Nathan was (See After how much pain do we become 'emotionally unavailable'?).

 There are numerous post-break up behaviors that many of you are going through and it can be different from mine, but still unhealthy:

  

 I have to admit that one of the main reasons for not posting so often is the fact that I have been in a mess for the past one and a half months. Frankly being a dating blogger and giving so many advices on dating should mean that I know what I’m saying, but when it comes to this post… I honestly don’t know where I’m standing. But, I realized that I can make my mistakes over and over again, and still learn from them each time… so I’m about to tell you about another of my big mistakes.

  It’s been about a month and a half since I came back home for summer holidays and naturally I had to dive into yet another love-story-gone-wrong.  I hope you remember Mat (if not then see, Just sex… Or something more?), because Mat turned out to be the highlight of this summer’s love failure. Of course he had to call me as soon as I came back, I was expecting that; what I wasn’t expecting was the fact that I ran to him as soon as he called! I should have known better, I’ve been down that road before! And I could sense trouble from the very first time that we met up… once you develop feelings for your fuck buddy things go wrong…. Wait a minute, scratch that: once you develop feelings for someone who is in a relationship things are bound to go wrong! Yes, you heard that one well: Mat is now in a relationship! So what on earth am I doing with him? I guess when you fall in love with someone reason has no part in the whole process. And so meet up we did, but this time I wasn’t going to put up with him being in a relationship… That’s another thing I’ve done before and I’m not willing to go through that pain again… So I chose to give him an ultimatum: "You leave her or I leave you". It wasn’t so simple though: I was going over and over it in my mind for weeks and when I finally said it, it was more like begging than threatening…  The thing is, I’m not one to threaten because when it comes to telling someone to leave their girlfriend: either he lives her and then at every little obstacle he just brings up the topic and you are the bitch that made him leave his girlfriend or he doesn’t, and then you are the bitch that wanted him to leave his girlfriend… either way it’s never a good thing. However, this time I had to tell Mat to leave her, mostly because it hurts me too much…. It’s excruciating imagining that he’s with someone else when he’s not with me, when I know that he won’t go out with me because he’s  scared of someone seeing us together or when we have to meet him in the middle of the night when it’s too late for his girlfriend to show up uninvited. Of course you would think: anyone in their right mind would never get into this mess in the first place… but then again, how many of you have fallen in love and followed what your brain said instead of your heart?

 Even though I did the unforgivable: asking him to leave his girlfriend (honestly what right do I have breaking up two people? But to my defense: a) he’s been thinking to break up for a while and b) I fell so in love with him it seemed like the only possible solution..) I knew how it should be played in order to maximize my chances of winning him over: no pressure, give him time, make him miss you, be positive, show him you care… And actually I did that.. for the first three weeks! After that I started getting impatient, asking him more often, pressuring him… and even though I tried to hide it I used to cry almost every day for him, I would lock myself in my room and just cry my eyes out until my eyes burnt and I had literally ran out of tears. Looking back at it now: Was he actually worth so many tears? Did I let my desire to live with him what I missed all the while I was away get bigger than him? Did he disappoint me, not because of his own fault, but because of my vast expectations? Relationship or no relationship, and regardless his feelings for me, Mat was never available for a relationship with me… and I wasn’t either.

 It’s been almost  6 weeks since I asked him to break up with his girlfriend and he still hasn’t decided… By now I know he won’t leave her, I just can’t bring myself to tell him that I want to ‘break up’ with him once and for all. Mostly I’m just staying here to confirm my suspicion that he won’t leave her… If I back up now and later on he decides to live her, I will be devastated. Even though I know the things he’s contemplating right now, I can tell you with absolute certainty the reasons why he (and most other men) will never leave their girlfriend for me (or anyone else out there that hopes the same as I do):

1.  Habit: even if he’s not head over heels with her, you have to give her credit for the one thing she offers him what you don’t : certainty! Men are creatures of habit, if they are used to her and they can live their life without much trouble with her, then why leave her? Leaving her and starting a new relationship with you (or me in this case) would cost them much more effort than just being with her and having an affair on the side with you as well. He will never leave the certainty of his girlfriend and dive into the unknown with us, no matter how much we want to believe in fairy tales.

2.  He can have you both, why bother changing that: Like they say, he can have his cake and eat it too! If he can juggle you both, why would he leave one? It just doesn’t make sense! Why would he change anything when everything is perfect? He doesn’t feel guilty, he can have his affair and then go back to his girlfriend and his friends! He has everything for granted, he will never dream of changing anything.

3. His friends: In my case this is a huuuuge factor. His current girlfriend is good friends with many of his friends. And the girlfriends of his friends. If he broke up with her and jumped into a relationship with me then he would be the jerk that left the good girl… and of course I would be the bitch that made them break up. This is another issue that I’m not sure I would be ready to deal with (when the time is right I promise to write a post on how to handle his friends). But I know this much: I love him enough to give it a go!

 Even though I know all the reasons he won’t leave her, I am just staying here, in desperate hope that he will find one reason to beat all of the above and choose me over her. I’m reaching for the stars here, aren’t I? (CLICK HERE to find out what happens with Mat when the next update comes up!) I know it’s hopeless, but once again I know I’ll have my heart in pieces and I can’t do anything to stop that. My only choice is to leave him before he does… not that it’s going to hurt any less. It’s like I’m watching a car crash happening in slow motion and I can’t do anything to stop it! Sometimes I have to swallow back my tears when I’m with him and I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs whenever he kisses my forehead.. And it’s all the little things that drive me crazy.. All the little things that I’m going to have to learn to do without.  All in all, now you know the whole story. I’m not sure what you’ve learn from it and I’m not sure what I’ve learnt either… but I’m not going to lose hope: Everything happens for a reason… right? If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the whole situation please comment and let me know, I’m a bit lost as you can see. Tell me about any similar experiences you may have had as well, and please if anyone out there knows someone who left their girlfriends for the woman he was in an affair with please let me know! I need to know if such men actually exist! CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and learn first how it turns out with Mat. Also follow me on bloglovin’ to read the posts as soon as they come up! 

NOTE: Due to the high popularity of this article, I just published a follow up: 'Being the other Woman'. Click on it to read it if you can relate! 
Comment and let me know what you think and how you feel! :) 

  

  Let me just say, from the very beginning, that when it come to this question I’m an absolute NO NO NO! However, there seems to be a great debate whether a couple can break up and still remain friends. Many people would tell me ‘Yes, it’s perfectly possible’, so after I broke up with Garrick, a guy I used to be in a (rather short) relationship with, I decided that I could try to remain friends with him, even if I never really thought it would be possible… Well, I was right, it was a complete disaster!

  I met Garrick through a group of common friends about a year after I came to London. He was a nice guy and we immediately hit it off. We had a nice relationship for as long as it lasted, it was easy going and laid back, we had fun, not very serious. It all lasted about five months. Garrick was a nice, easy going guy, a great laugh and the kind of person you would love to have with you on a night out in town.  We would go out for drinks, dinner, dancing or stay in with good food and a movie and we would still have a great time! Even though I very much liked Garrick we broke up about 5 months later due to too much fighting. We decided to break it off before it was too late and all the good memories were replaced from our fights. I was quite sad after it ended, but I knew it was for the best. And then I made the oh so unforgivable mistake of suggesting we stay friends! Seriously, what was I thinking? I knew it would be a disaster the minute I heard the words come out of my mouth!

I always knew why two people are not meant to be friends after they break up. For some unknown reason though I decided that maybe it could work out. Well, every single theory I had about why two people should never be friends after they break up, came out to be true (surprise surprise!!). Firstly, being friends with someone should be easy, effortless and not awkward and complicated. Every time Garrick and I decided to meet up as friends, even with other friends around, it was just plain awkward. We would exchange a couple of words and then look the other way or start fidgeting nervously. The most extensive conversation we would have would be about the weather or my studies or his work, but that was about it. And of course we would never look each other straight in the eyes.  Besides the whole awkwardness, for me being friends with an ex is basically like being together, but without sex. If the relationship was never very serious and it was more like an easy going fun relationship where you just like to spend time with each other, but not live together (like my relationship with Garrick), then nothing changes besides the fact that you are not having sex anymore.

 Another reason for opposing the ‘friends with an ex’ situation is the fact that you might ‘slip’ once and sleep with them again! Now, just to be sure that this is definitely a reason for NOT being friends with an ex, I had to test my luck there as well; so when one night we went out with a group of friends and Garrick happened to be there, after one too many drinks we ended up back at my place… just the two of us. We both realized what a big mistake that was the next morning, but by then it was too late. Now, there are two reasons of why you should never have sex with an ex: if it’s good then you are reminded of what you lost and you just start missing him and possibly wanting to get back together. And if it’s bad, well you just had sex with an ex, which makes you seem the sad girlfriend that can’t get over him. When guys do it though, it’s never considered to be much of a deal. If anything, it gives them credit for ‘winning the girl’ all over again.  

 And of course, there is always the matter of jealousy! What happens when one of the two meets someone else? Will you get jealous? Will you be fine with it? And let’s say that maybe, just maybe, you have absolutely no problem with him dating someone else; how much more complicated would that make the friendship between you two? And worse of the worst, will you be able to talk about their new relationship like friends are supposed to? I really don’t have an answer for that, because Garrick and I decided that being friends wasn't a good idea after we slept together that night. I wish him the best and hope he is happy, but not keeping contact with him was the best decision for both of us!  

  It is my personal belief that a break up between two people comes about because they need their distance from each other, they need time for themselves. If two people remain friends after they break up then nothing changes. Even though it is clear to me how two former lovers can never remain friends, when it comes to relationships, I couldn't help but wonder: why is it that it’s possible to turn a friendship into a relationship, but not do the reverse? Maybe it’s nature’s twisted way of making us push some people out of our lives in order to let new ones in; or maybe it’s the fact that if you broke up with someone to begin with then you know he’s no good for you, so you choose not to have him in your life! Whatever the reason is however, you should know that being friends with an ex might be good in theory, it might also seem easy when it first starts, but it’s always an excuse to keep someone next to you that you are not ready to let go off – someone that you know you can’t work it out with so you choose the next best thing in order to keep them next to you. Unfortunately, it never turns out to be good news!!

 Did you manage to stay friends with an ex? Did you make an attempt and failed? Comment and let me know! Also don’t forget to contact me with your own stories that I can use for future posts at livefornow1992@gmail.com.

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  After numerous posts I decided it’s about time I tell you a little bit about myself: I can be a little bit selfish, I’m impatient and I need to always be right, I push people to bring out the best in them, I push myself and I’m a perfectionist: if I’m going to do something I’ll do it right or not at all. So having said all that about me, I wouldn't change myself to be with anyone, even if I only pointed the negative aspects of my character (I do have good qualities as well, but if I wrote them down now it would seem like I’m bragging!). But what about the times that we actually change to make someone love us or stay with us without even realizing it? What happens when we lose ourselves just to keep someone with us?

  For the sake of this article, the most suited relationship example I have to give is my ‘relationship’ with Nick. I talked about Nick in another post as well (you can read about it on "Can you fall in love with two people at the same time?") , but I think it’s about time to give you some more details on it… As you know my relationship with Nick was kind of an ‘on-and-off affair’ and the only reason I didn't put an end to it sooner is because I was madly in love with him. But I never realized how much I was caught up in the relationship until the very end. I always felt like Nick had some kind of power over me (I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the only way I can describe it). I am usually talkative and sarcastic and make jokes about everything, I laugh a lot and if you know me you’ll know I’ll never run out of things to say. But when it came to Nick, I felt powerless. Every time I found myself with him, I would be acting like a good student under a strict teacher… which is ridiculous! Yes we talked, but I was never quite myself… and that’s the least of it. Every time Nick called, I would make myself available to him, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I would just give up everything to meet up with him. When he was mad, he would shout at me and we would have a fight… usually I would end up in tears and nodding in agreement to what he was saying. Again, if you know me you should know that I almost never cry, let alone in front of others. I would never contradict him, whatever he said, I would think it was right.

  One day I recall him telling me that what we had wouldn't last and he wanted to end it. For the first time in my life, I actually begged him to stay with me, but he didn't  Two months later he came back to me, and I welcomed him back in my life as if nothing ever happened. Having said all that, for me to be so compromising and willing to do anything for him, you would think that I must have been having a hell of a time when I was with him… wrong again. I remember myself mostly miserable during my relationship with Nick and not happy. I would either feel guilty that I was with him, or neglected by him most of the time. He did care about me, but he had a weird way of showing it. He loved me, but he would never say it. Of course you would think that if someone loves you, they don’t have to say it all the time… and you are right. But sometimes, a girl actually needs to hear these 3 little words, out loud! Nick was distant… and yet so close. I must sound completely out of my mind right now, and truth is, I was! It’s so hard putting it down in words, but if you have lived through something similar you should know how hard it is to actually explain it. Every time Nick did something bad and I would just accept it and patiently wait for him I felt my mind screaming at me “Come on! What are you doing?” But apparently my heart had a different opinion…

  After almost two and a half years of torture with Nick, I still hadn't learnt my lesson. So finally, when he pulled one of his “This isn't going anywhere, we have to end it” situations and I still waited for months for him to come back, when he didn't I thought it was finally all over. I was broken hearted, but I wanted to respect him. He had chosen this and if he was happy, I wouldn't try to get back into his life again. One night though, more than five months later, Nick called me and said he missed me and straight away, without even thinking, I said I missed him too and I wanted to see him. Just when I was starting to move on, Nick had dragged me back into that mess again, and I found myself crying in my bathroom, but still not having the courage (or the will for that matter) to tell him that I couldn't see him. When I couldn't do it, it was time for an intervention… My best friend, Kate, even though opposing my whole affair with Nick from the very beginning, after she found me crying in my bathroom like a helpless dog calmly told me: “I’m not going to tell you not to go back to him again, that never worked in the past and it won’t work now either. But take a step back and look at yourself and what he did to you”. And that was it. I suddenly realized it; I had lost myself in my desperate effort to keep Nick next to me. I had lost control over my feelings, and apparently over my actions as well. Having lost control, I did the only thing I could to get it back… I let Nick go. It took me three years, countless desperate efforts from my best friend, and a hard slap from reality after seeing my bloodshot eyes in the mirror to realize that I wasn't me anymore… I remember thinking to myself “If I had met me know I wouldn't recognize me”. That wasn't me, that wasn't who I was and who I was supposed to be. I turned into a pathetic little person… and for what? To make someone love me, someone that I couldn't be with to begin with.  Maybe I needed to lose myself to finally realize who I am and at the end to find out just how much am I really prepared to give up to be with someone. Maybe we all need to lose ourselves, to hit rock bottom in order to find our way back to the top and be ourselves again.

   After a few months I started feeling like myself again, but from time to time, I still wonder: does our mind automatically change our behavior in order to accommodate that huge influx of feelings that come with falling madly in love? Is it all a manifestation of our body to shelter us from the pain that is about to come once we show the true side of our character? Maybe if I had shown my true character to Nick he wouldn't have stayed with me that long. He knew I would be there and so he kept coming back… I was a safe bet. But is that really what I want to be? Every girl deserves someone that will love her for who she is; that is not to say we shouldn't compromise. Because just like we expect someone to accept us with all our flaws, we should be prepared to accept someone else’s flaws as well. But compromising means meeting somewhere in the middle and feeling comfortable.  After thinking it over, I realized that it’s ok to change when you are with someone… but it’s not ok to change for someone. Some people bring out the best in ourselves and make us see our flaws clearly, flaws which we could potentially correct, and that would be great. But we should change as long as we are comfortable with it; as long as we feel that we are becoming the better person that we can become… Because if you think about it, relationships are great, glamorous and fun, but the most important relationship you will ever have, the most amazing and challenging one is the one you have with yourself… and if you can find someone that will meet you somewhere in between, well that’s just beautiful!

Have you ever had a similar experience? Maybe you would be able to put it down in words better than I could. Comment and let me know how you lost yourself and what did you do to get back control? 

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   Most of my posts tell the story of guys that I used to date and how it all turned out to be a disaster. This post however is not about one particular guy, but rather about why we are still single. This post is about us, and about how we see dating, what we do wrong and what we expect from guys. I have to say from now that I have no specific answer to that question, but what I do have is a set of theories on why we are still single (or rather, a bunch of questions taking over my mind), and I hope you can relate to at least one of them. Personally I can relate to most of them!

  I believe that one of the most important reasons that we are still single is the fact that most of us are stuck on that one guy, who is unavailable (either in another relationship, too old or is just not interested in a relationship). Most of you will scoff and deny that you are that kind of girl. But wait a minute, take a deep breath and think about it. Can you honestly tell me that you have never (at least at some point in your life) fell for a guy that was completely wrong for you? And can you deny that you spent at least a few months obsessing over that guy and hoping that somehow things would magically change and he would end up with you? It is my personal belief that women are programmed to fall for someone completely wrong for them, at least once in their life. Maybe that’s nature’s way of making us tougher and more tolerant. (Personally I made that mistake more than once). The big question however is why – Why do we fall for these guys? Are we so hopeful that we believe that maybe he will be the one, even though we can tell from the very beginning that he is bad news? Or do we have so much faith in ourselves that we see it as a mission, and we believe that we have to make this guy right for us, that we can change him for us, even though all evidence point to the contrary? No matter what the answer is to that question (and I have no answer, so if you do please comment and tell me!), the point is that we spent months, and possibly years stuck on that guy, who never ends up with us. He either ends up as an eternal (and eligible) bachelor, or with someone else, and we are left wondering why he didn't choose us!  My experience with Nick is a great example: I got so hung up on a guy for three whole years, in a situation that I knew I would never gain anything from, but I was still there, unwilling to get out and save myself!

   

  Another question that pops up in my mind every now and then is: “Do we have high expectations?” Are we still single, because we are expecting the knight on the white horse to come in and sweep us off our feet? Do we really believe that we can find that Mr. Perfect who will adore us and treat us like a princess, be gorgeous and always say the right thing at the same time, always agree with us and be our hero? And if we do believe that he’s out there, why can’t we find him? When it comes to men, I do have high expectations, but experience taught me that Mr. Perfect is nowhere to be found. I want to believe that my high expectations source from the fact that I was brought up by an amazing man, who set a great example on how a man should treat me, hence I will not settle for anything less. However, no one is perfect! The point is not to find the perfect person, but seek for the perfect connection with that imperfect person. And ladies let’s not forget, none of us is perfect. Are we really expecting to find the perfect person who will put up with our moaning and complaining and all our imperfections and never get fed up or upset about it? I don’t think so! Having high expectations is not necessarily a bad thing, but we have to be realistic! Someone once told that the flaws are the best part… you have to love someone not despite of their flaws, but because of their flaws as well!

 My other theory on why we are still single has to do with the places we are looking for that one person. We all have our type of guy that we are into. For example, I might be 20 but I am into older guys. So I don’t expect to find the type of guys I like at university or at any university parties. I will probably find them at certain bars in London, usually not at nightclubs, or at certain restaurants/cafes. So depending on your type of guy, you have to hang out at the right places, where they hang out as well, if you are hoping to meet them.

  Despite all my theories of why we are still single, we have to consider the possibility that finding the right person just didn't happen yet. So maybe we should stop obsessing over finding that one perfect person for us, and think about the possibility that maybe we are the ones that have to rescue ourselves and not wait for the knight on the white horse to come and ride off into the sunset with us! Maybe we should learn to depend more on ourselves, and if we happen to find that one perfect person, well then that’s amazing. If not… we should just learn that we can count on ourselves for everything.

I hope you enjoyed this post and keep coming back for the next ones. Comment and tell me if you have any more theories on why we are still single and in general what you think of my blog!

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  We fall in and out of love all the time, even though the latter is much harder to do than the former. We fall for jerks that break our hearts, we fall for older men because of their experience or we might just fall for anyone that makes us feel special… but can we fall in love with two people at the same time?  This is the story of two guys that played a very important part in my life, and both broke my heart; so please excuse my potential lack of humor in this post, but as you will understand none of the two stories had a happy ending. Even though I was very much in love with both of these guys… I never expected it to happen at the same time!

  When I met Nick I was 18. He was 30. I knew he was too old for me, and our ‘relationship’ was wrong on so many levels. I had an on-and-off relationship with Nick for 3 whole years. He taught me a lot, and I’m planning to use my relationship with him as an example for many of my upcoming posts. In 3 years my relationship with Nick has taught me so many things about life and dating than anything else or anyone else ever has. From the very beginning Nick had been one hell of a complicated guy. We never dated properly, it was more like an on and off affair throughout the 3 years. At time he made my life hell and he would hurt me every chance he would get. So why did I stay with him? Well, I knew Nick many years before anything had happened between us, and I always loved him. But the reason that I put up with the excruciating relationship we had is because I was madly and unconditionally in love with him. Even now, quite a while after everything ended with him, I cannot say that I am completely over him. (But this is another topic that I’m planning on discussing in the future). 

  

  By the time I met Andy, I was in that mess with Nick for about a year. It is my personal belief that if there’s any chance that ‘love at first sight’ exists, it was exactly what I experienced with Andy.  I’m not a romantic and I definitely don’t believe in love at first sight, but since the first moment I saw Andy, it was like nothing I've never felt before; I couldn't look away and I knew I had to get to know him straight away. To make a long story short, I got to know Andy and we started dating; even though our relationship was really short-lived I somehow managed to fall deeply in love with him. I dated Andy for three months and I was madly in love with him, since the first moment. I would get butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him, and I couldn't go through the day if I didn't talk to him. For as long as it lasted, my relationship with Andy was amazing. He would treat me like a real lady; he took me to meet his family, he used to cook for me and was there every time I needed him. On the other hand, while I was dating Andy, Nick and I decided to take some time apart because things had gotten way too complicated; and even though I was head over heels with Andy, there wasn't a day when my mind wouldn't wander off to Nick. We talked from time to time, he would tell me that he misses me, and I would say I miss him too; but we both knew we were in over our heads and that our relationship was doomed. 

  

  Unfortunately Andy left me 3 months later for someone else and it really broke my heart. It took me many months to get over him, and I couldn't even understand what was wrong with me and how I had fallen so deeply in love with someone, in such a short time! Nick contacted me shortly afterwards and the moment I heard his voice I realized that while I was still heart-broken and still in love with Andy, I never stopped loving Nick; on top of that I really wanted to see him. We got back together, and he kept breaking my heart over and over again for another two years until I said enough. More on Nick’s story however is coming on the next posts.

 After my two relationships, I still had that one question coming to my mind over and over again: “ Was I really in love with two guys at the same time? How is that possible?” From there on, every time I would ask someone “Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love with two people at the same time?” no one had a straight answer. And to this day, if I hadn't lived through it, I would still think it’s impossible to happen! Even though after my experience I knew that falling in love with two people at the same time was actually possible, I couldn't help but wonder: “Was I so emotionally worn out by my relationship with Nick that I desperately needed someone else to rescue me? And if so, if Nick had actually destroyed me emotionally, was I so willing to love someone else except him, that I actually made myself believe in love at first sight?” After careful consideration, I realized that even though it was true that Nick did exhaust me psychologically, I didn't fall for Andy because I needed someone to rescue me: it was just meant to be.  That led me to conclude that even though it is possible to fall in love with two people at the same time, you can never love someone for the same reasons you love someone else! I realized that the reasons that I fell madly in love with Nick were much different than the ones that made me fall for Andy.

  I fell in love with Nick because he gave me that sense of adventure, of something forbidden, of guilty pleasure. It was passion, lust, obsession, infatuation; and even though I did love him and care about him, passion was always the main factor that kept our relationship together.  I fell in love with Andy for very different reasons: he made me laugh, he spent time with me as a friend and he was just making it so easy for me to be myself that I couldn't help but falling for him.

 So if you are wondering whether it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time, or if you are actually experiencing it now, then in my view, it is perfectly normal. You can actually be in love with two people at the same time, but truth is, you will never love someone the same way you love someone else.

Comment and tell me about your experiences. Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time? How did it work out? Do you believe that you can be in love with two people at the same time? Also, I am sorry for not posting often enough, but it is exam period right now and I hardly find any free time!!

Please also offer ideas for new posts if you want!

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  I never was one to think before speaking. Not only when it comes to men, but in general. Even though at times it proved to be bad, (I was hurting people without meaning to do so, or saying the wrong things at the worst possible timing) I never thought of changing this about myself until I met Richard. Richard was one of my first boyfriends, when I was about 16. Of course his real name is not Richard, but for the sake of this article I would like to call him Richard, mostly because the nickname for Richard is Dick, and even though I never understood why Dick is short for Richard, it really suits this guy.

  I met Dick one day at a café, while hanging out with a few friends. He wasn't very handsome, but there was something about him that I really liked. We had a couple of friends in common and they introduced me to him, and that’s how we started talking (I know it’s a cliché, but when you are 16 this is the most popular way to get a boyfriend). We talked for a few weeks, went out as friends and after about a month we were officially dating. I dated Richard (oh I mean Dick!) for 6 months, and when you are 16 that’s considered oh-so-big! Well, what went wrong this time? I had a nice time with him; we used to go out, have a good laugh and we were pretty into each other. However, I would always say the wrong thing at the worst possible time. When he did something I didn't like I would immediately tell him off, most of the time I would snap at him (teenagers do that ALL the time!) and I wouldn't think before speaking, which meant that at times I offended him. It looked like I was looking to start a fight out of nowhere. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to tell him off in front of his friends (HUGE mistake when it comes to guys!!).  I recall one time saying “I hate what you are wearing” as soon as he walked in the room with all of his friends there. That was a mistake, I have to admit it, but there were also times when I was right. For instance, we would walk down the street and he would check out another girl (most guys do that, even when they are with their girlfriends) and I would just snap at him. Well I learnt, a little bit too late, that it’s not the way to do it! Telling him off in the middle of the street about anything, will get you nowhere.

 When he would cancel on me, I would shout or moan at him for hours, and I remember telling him quite frequently “Sometimes I feel like I hate you when you do that!” I know I sound like a complete bitch right now, but please give me a break; I was 16, an angry teenager who thought I was the centre of the world – even though I should have been snapping at my parents, like all normal teenagers! Even when I told him ‘I love you’ it was at the wrong time and the wrong place. We were just walking one day and I stopped suddenly, turned and said “I think I love you”. Now you would think that saying I love you abruptly would be spontaneous and potentially romantic. But stop for a minute and think about it: “I THINK I love you?” Really? What was I thinking? If you say I love you to someone, you don’t think that you love them, you should be sure. Also: no, you wouldn't expect me to tell him over a romantic dinner, under the candlelight, but you would at least expect me to say it in a more private place; when I was sure that I loved him!

Unsurprisingly we broke up because of too much fighting - and even the break up was at the wrong time and the wrong place! (He broke up with me though. Over text. While I was abroad!).  I never thought it was my fault for nagging him too much, or for always saying the wrong thing at a really bad timing.

  However, more than 4 years later, I got to thinking about thinking before speaking. While talking about it over coffee with some friends, one late afternoon I got a few wise words from them. When I popped the question, “When it comes to dating, should you think before you speak?”, Javier thought about it for a second and then said hesitantly “Well, as long as you say it with respect…”; (translation: yes always think about what you say before you say it!). Vivi, (who also took a couple of seconds to think about it) replied that speaking before thinking is usually considered to be more honest, but more emotional rather than rational.  However, a few minutes later she said “I always think too much before I speak, which makes me not say things I actually want to say and then I regret it…”. My other friend, Julia (who’s been with her boyfriend for 5 years now, so she must know something!) said straight away, without hesitation “Think before you speak, it’s the right thing to do!”

  When I came back home, I couldn't help but wonder: “Is it possible that we scare men away because we always say what’s on our mind without thinking? And if that’s true, would we be honest and true if we didn't say what we feel, just to keep a guy?” I understood with time that the most important thing it’s not what you say, but how you say it! Thinking before speaking is the wisest thing to do, BUT you have to do it at the right time, with the nicest possible way. If something bothers you and you say it straight away, chances are you will say it in an angry manner, probably even shout, and you can be 100% sure it will sound rude. However, if you say it later on, when you are not angry anymore and have some time to think about it, then you will say it in the nicest possible way, he will understand it better and most likely won’t get pissed off at you and think that you are nagging him. He will probably respect you more for that as well. I put my advice into practice with many men that I dated afterwards and found out that it is actually the best way to say things to men! The more I took time to think about how I would say something that would potentially annoy them, the more I was able to find a better way (and time!) to say it, which meant that I was easier to get along with, and they weren't getting fed up with my nagging. Of course sometimes I still just say the first thing that comes to my mind and I regret it afterwards. Oh well, bad habits die hard, (but you can get them under control!)

  Oh and if you are wondering why I call this guy Dick: he is now dating my ex-best friend!

So ladies, think before you speak, but always say what’s on your mind, just in a nice way – respect them and you will get the same in return (I guess Javier was right after all!). Did you ever have any bad experiences because you blurted out the first thing that came to your mind or did you always think before speaking? Feel free to comment and share your experiences!!

 Don’t forget to check out my facebook page on the latest updates and the next posts’ subjects: https://www.facebook.com/newcitygirlondating?fref=ts! I hope you enjoyed this post, and don’t miss the next post on “Can we fall in love with two people at the same time?” which is coming pretty soon!! 

  Most of us have gone out with some real jerks (Excuse my language, but it’s true) – I don’t know why; there is something about them that drives us crazy. Truth is, sometimes we fall really hard for them and at the end we always get our heart broken. But once in a while, every blue moon we are going to meet that one genuinely nice guy who is willing to love us unconditionally and treat us like a real lady. And of course… most of us will turn him down, because he’s just too nice! Well, this is Nathan’s story; that one amazing guy who walked in my life, and I’m embarrassed to admit, I turned him down.

   

  I met Nathan on a night out with Sandra, a really good friend of mine who I’ve known for years. We were a bit tipsy and on our way home when we bumped into him on the street. He started chatting us up and said he wouldn't let us go unless I let him take me out on a date. So being drunk and a bit light-headed, of course I said yes (please don’t judge me, who hasn't done things when they were drunk that they regretted afterwards). So I gave him my number, believing he will never text (maybe he was too drunk, or he would forget, or just be a typical guy!). Imagine my surprise when he did text, 3 days later, asking me out on a date. I was about to decline his invitation in a polite way (after all, he had seen me drunk, God knows how embarrassing that must have been and what impression he must have had of me), when Sandra texted me saying “Just give him a chance! It’s just a drink and if you don’t like him you never have to see him again”. So taking my friend’s advice I accepted, and next thing I knew I was on a date with this great guy, who made laugh, had a great conversation with me, gave me his coat when I was cold and walked me home.  So what was wrong? Why wasn't I happy? Despite that feeling of something-was-missing-but-couldn't-quite-understand-what, I went out with him on a second and third date and before I knew it I was officially dating him for more than a month. And he was a real gentleman. He adored me. He would call me every time to see if I got home safely, he wouldn't push me to do things I didn't want to do, he would talk to me on the phone when I felt lonely, he would come visit me whenever I had time and never complained when I cancelled on him. Javier told me “If you don’t marry him right away I will”, and I hated myself for not being in love with this guy who adored me and was willing to fly to the moon and back just for my sake.  He asked me several times why I was distant, or sometimes avoiding to see him for days, and of course… I didn’t have an answer. One day I remember asking him “What do you want from this… relationship?” and his answer was “To make you happy”. I almost burst into tears for not being able to fall in love with this man. One afternoon over coffee, my friend Vivi asked "So what was wrong with him?” and naturally I had no answer. Nothing was wrong with him, so I said (much to my embarrassment) “He’s just… too nice”.

  After dating Nathan for another couple of weeks, we broke it off (not to anyone’s surprise). I recall him calling me a ‘cold-hearted bitch, who will never fall in love’, ‘emotionally unavailable’, ‘distant’ and many other similar things before he slammed the door in my face, and I can’t blame him. Many of those things are not true; I had fallen in love before, more than once. That was the problem! And every time ended up with my heart in pieces. I never told him that of course. He was right though, I was too ‘emotionally unavailable’ (his words, I would never say that about me, but yes it’s true!).  So what was wrong? Up to this day, I am not quite sure of the answer. The closest thing to an answer that I can get, is that I have dated so many assholes (again sorry for the language) and I was so used to fighting over someone or struggling to be with someone, that I couldn't see a perfect potential relationship even if it slapped me right in the face. After my experience with Nathan, I was horrified. Mostly because he brought to my attention things about me that no one ever said before, but mostly because he got me thinking: How much pain are we really able to take before we become numb? Or even worse, before we shut down, and become ‘emotionally unavailable’? And when that happens, how, or worse of the worst, is it possible to 'let anyone in' again?  Almost a year later, I have to admit that I regret the way I treated Nathan and after he gave me a dose of reality by making me aware of the person I had turned into, I have to say that I would give Nathan another chance. But I never texted him again of course… I was too proud for that.

 So ladies, if you happen to bump into one of those (very few) truly amazing guys learn from my experience with Nathan – do not turn them down, because they are too nice. Open up your hearts to them and let them treat you like a lady deserves to be treated – every single one of us deserves to be treated like the lady she is (well maybe I missed my chance, but it’s not too late for you! Maybe I’ll get lucky again and meet another Nathan in another 20 years!). And one last lesson: never, ever keep your distance because you are afraid of getting hurt again. Yes, we are all afraid of that. But life is too short to wake up with regrets (and I should know, I regret it every single day), so take all the chances that you can get. If it turns out to be bad, well at least it’s one more experience. But you might fall in love and he might be the one!

 I hope you enjoyed this post and learnt from one big mistake (among the many) that I've made. Did you have any similar experiences? Did you ever turn down someone because he was just too nice? Or did you get your heart broken too many times and wanted to be on the safe side and not let anyone in? Comment and let me know what you think!

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When you meet someone that you might potentially like, the most important thing is to leave him with a good impression of you. If we ever expect him to pick up the phone and ask us on that infamous first date, we definitely want to make a good impression, and not seem too desperate or too cold. But somehow we can never get it right (most of us at least).

  

  So thisis the story about the first guy I met in London that I actually liked. Thestory dates a year back, a couple of months after I moved to London; one latenight as I was going to pick up my laundry from the laundry room I bumped intothis tall, blonde, green-eyed god – I bumped into him with the laundry basket,wearing my pajamas, with crazy hair. Somehow, we started talking, and within 15minutes I had found out his name was Eric, a post-grad student at myuniversity, 26 years old. We immediately hit it off. We ended up talking forhours that night, (imagine the cold London weather at midnight, mid-November –hell I must have really liked that guy to stay outside for hours just to talkto him!). It was one of those dream-like first dates (although it wasn’t afirst date, we had just met), where you talk about everything, from music tomovies to religion to university to travelling to (yes I’m embarrassed to admitit) aliens! And we had so many things in common, it was unbelievable. And then disasterhit. Mistake no.1: when he mentioned a movie that was on at that time, I said“Let’s go next week to see it”. And I wish I had stopped there, but I kept pushingit… Mistake no.2: “What’s your facebook? I’ll add you as a friend” and ofcourse I had to make the last and biggest mistake of it all…Mistake no.3: Iasked for his number (and he reluctantly gave it to me). And if you arewondering, I could see him getting the cold feet from that moment, but that didn't stop me though!

The next day I told the story to my goodfriend Javier (Javier is one of those gay best friends that every girl wishesshe had and I got lucky enough to have him in my life), who told me to keep the“48-hour rule”, i.e. do not text him until two days have passed, and preferablywait until he texts you first. I recall him saying “You don’t want to seem toodesperate!”. Well that’s exactly what I seemed to Eric. Not wanting to stick toany stupid rule, I decided it was a great idea to text him that afternoon andmake mistake no.4… After all, I don’t meet guys that I actually like and clickwith often enough and now that I had met Eric, I wasn’t about to step back… BigMistake!! He responded… three hours later… saying he was fine, not even askingthe casual and polite “How are you?”. Well that was it, even though I tried tostart a conversation with him another couple of times after that, the situationwas hopeless. I had lost the game.

  

  After my experience with green-eyed Eric, Icouldn’t help but wonder: Are we really too eager? And is the ’48-hour’ rulenot just preferable, but compulsory? I’ve heard stories from many friendspushing the situation with guys too much too soon, and ending up alone, butdidn’t want to believe them.  It turnsout, many of us are so eager to go out with them, that we seem on the verge of desperation.The ‘48-hour’ rule is not, but should be compulsory – for self dignity issues.And ladies, the last (but not least) lesson I learnt from Eric, is that it ismuch preferred not to ask a guy for his phone number! If he is interested hewill definitely ask you for yours; if he’s not he might give you his phonenumber, but will definitely avoid returning your calls and replying to yourtexts. 

 I hope my experience with Eric makes somethings clear for all of you that wonder every time you meet a guy, when shouldyou text, when will he text or how long should you wait before asking for hisnumber!

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