Cynical would definitely not be at the top of my list when I talk about dating. However, after waking up one morning and finding myself amongst the ‘Top 10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs Of the Year’, I have to admit it got me thinking a lot! Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to find myself in that list; however I can’t help wondering: Are we becoming cynical without realizing it? Let’s face it; we are living in an era where romance has already died! Personally I think that if someone offers me their seat on the bus it’s romantic; on the other hand, if someone was waiting for me at home with candles and a bunch of rose petals saying ‘I Love You’ I would probably find it too cheesy, fake, pretentious, and the list goes on and on. Ok, yes that makes me cynical… but can you blame me? How often do we find the knight on the white horse, the perfect guy, our Mr. Dreamy? I’m just being realistic!

  Personally, heartbreak after heartbreak, I learnt not to expect too much from men, because more often than not, I get disappointed! Have a look through my past dating failures: Mat never broke up with his girlfriend (Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?), Nick is happily married (Can you fall in love with twopeople at the same time ? and  Do we need to change to be in a relationship), Chris ended up dating 9 girls in 3 weeks (When is it too soon to get excited?), and so on. Of course you will probably say ‘that’s because you still haven’t met the right guy’, and you are probably right… but until then, I’ll keep thinking of the person that give up their seats for me as Prince Charming!

 

  

  I don’t know if cynicism is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I’d say it makes us more realistic, we learn to not trust people easily (and that’s a hard-learnt lesson!), to be cautious before placing our heart in the hands of someone who blurted ‘I love you’ way too soon but on the other hand, we dismiss everything way too soon, and one day we might actually do the same thing with the right person! Maybe I was too cynical when I broke up with Nathan (After how much pain do we become emotionallyunavailable? ), just because he was too nice, because he said ‘I want to make you happy’ whenever I asked what he wanted out of our relationship, but I just couldn’t help it. Maybe we are programmed to think that unless there are some obstacles in our relationship, love life or dating then it is not real. I’m starting to think that we create a certain addiction to the pain we go through when someone breaks our hearts but we still hang on to him and it is that pain that makes us cynical, realistic, and pessimistic.

      

   However, having said all that, I think there’s something incredible about someone who is optimistic about what the future holds, someone who knows that her Prince Charming is out there, even if she has to kiss a lot of frogs before finding him. There are some people like that who brighten up our life and pass on to us their positive energy… if only I was one of them. I do believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don’t believe in fairytales anymore, and I don’t trust people easily, which is not a bad thing, in my opinion… So yes, I am cynical after all, and might I add: proud of it!

I would love to know what you think though, am I cynical? Are you cynical? And what do you think of the blog making it to the ‘10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs’ of the year? COMMENT below and tell me what you think! 

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 I have to admit that one of the main reasons for not posting so often is the fact that I have been in a mess for the past one and a half months. Frankly being a dating blogger and giving so many advices on dating should mean that I know what I’m saying, but when it comes to this post… I honestly don’t know where I’m standing. But, I realized that I can make my mistakes over and over again, and still learn from them each time… so I’m about to tell you about another of my big mistakes.

  It’s been about a month and a half since I came back home for summer holidays and naturally I had to dive into yet another love-story-gone-wrong.  I hope you remember Mat (if not then see, Just sex… Or something more?), because Mat turned out to be the highlight of this summer’s love failure. Of course he had to call me as soon as I came back, I was expecting that; what I wasn’t expecting was the fact that I ran to him as soon as he called! I should have known better, I’ve been down that road before! And I could sense trouble from the very first time that we met up… once you develop feelings for your fuck buddy things go wrong…. Wait a minute, scratch that: once you develop feelings for someone who is in a relationship things are bound to go wrong! Yes, you heard that one well: Mat is now in a relationship! So what on earth am I doing with him? I guess when you fall in love with someone reason has no part in the whole process. And so meet up we did, but this time I wasn’t going to put up with him being in a relationship… That’s another thing I’ve done before and I’m not willing to go through that pain again… So I chose to give him an ultimatum: "You leave her or I leave you". It wasn’t so simple though: I was going over and over it in my mind for weeks and when I finally said it, it was more like begging than threatening…  The thing is, I’m not one to threaten because when it comes to telling someone to leave their girlfriend: either he lives her and then at every little obstacle he just brings up the topic and you are the bitch that made him leave his girlfriend or he doesn’t, and then you are the bitch that wanted him to leave his girlfriend… either way it’s never a good thing. However, this time I had to tell Mat to leave her, mostly because it hurts me too much…. It’s excruciating imagining that he’s with someone else when he’s not with me, when I know that he won’t go out with me because he’s  scared of someone seeing us together or when we have to meet him in the middle of the night when it’s too late for his girlfriend to show up uninvited. Of course you would think: anyone in their right mind would never get into this mess in the first place… but then again, how many of you have fallen in love and followed what your brain said instead of your heart?

 Even though I did the unforgivable: asking him to leave his girlfriend (honestly what right do I have breaking up two people? But to my defense: a) he’s been thinking to break up for a while and b) I fell so in love with him it seemed like the only possible solution..) I knew how it should be played in order to maximize my chances of winning him over: no pressure, give him time, make him miss you, be positive, show him you care… And actually I did that.. for the first three weeks! After that I started getting impatient, asking him more often, pressuring him… and even though I tried to hide it I used to cry almost every day for him, I would lock myself in my room and just cry my eyes out until my eyes burnt and I had literally ran out of tears. Looking back at it now: Was he actually worth so many tears? Did I let my desire to live with him what I missed all the while I was away get bigger than him? Did he disappoint me, not because of his own fault, but because of my vast expectations? Relationship or no relationship, and regardless his feelings for me, Mat was never available for a relationship with me… and I wasn’t either.

 It’s been almost  6 weeks since I asked him to break up with his girlfriend and he still hasn’t decided… By now I know he won’t leave her, I just can’t bring myself to tell him that I want to ‘break up’ with him once and for all. Mostly I’m just staying here to confirm my suspicion that he won’t leave her… If I back up now and later on he decides to live her, I will be devastated. Even though I know the things he’s contemplating right now, I can tell you with absolute certainty the reasons why he (and most other men) will never leave their girlfriend for me (or anyone else out there that hopes the same as I do):

1.  Habit: even if he’s not head over heels with her, you have to give her credit for the one thing she offers him what you don’t : certainty! Men are creatures of habit, if they are used to her and they can live their life without much trouble with her, then why leave her? Leaving her and starting a new relationship with you (or me in this case) would cost them much more effort than just being with her and having an affair on the side with you as well. He will never leave the certainty of his girlfriend and dive into the unknown with us, no matter how much we want to believe in fairy tales.

2.  He can have you both, why bother changing that: Like they say, he can have his cake and eat it too! If he can juggle you both, why would he leave one? It just doesn’t make sense! Why would he change anything when everything is perfect? He doesn’t feel guilty, he can have his affair and then go back to his girlfriend and his friends! He has everything for granted, he will never dream of changing anything.

3. His friends: In my case this is a huuuuge factor. His current girlfriend is good friends with many of his friends. And the girlfriends of his friends. If he broke up with her and jumped into a relationship with me then he would be the jerk that left the good girl… and of course I would be the bitch that made them break up. This is another issue that I’m not sure I would be ready to deal with (when the time is right I promise to write a post on how to handle his friends). But I know this much: I love him enough to give it a go!

 Even though I know all the reasons he won’t leave her, I am just staying here, in desperate hope that he will find one reason to beat all of the above and choose me over her. I’m reaching for the stars here, aren’t I? (CLICK HERE to find out what happens with Mat when the next update comes up!) I know it’s hopeless, but once again I know I’ll have my heart in pieces and I can’t do anything to stop that. My only choice is to leave him before he does… not that it’s going to hurt any less. It’s like I’m watching a car crash happening in slow motion and I can’t do anything to stop it! Sometimes I have to swallow back my tears when I’m with him and I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs whenever he kisses my forehead.. And it’s all the little things that drive me crazy.. All the little things that I’m going to have to learn to do without.  All in all, now you know the whole story. I’m not sure what you’ve learn from it and I’m not sure what I’ve learnt either… but I’m not going to lose hope: Everything happens for a reason… right? If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the whole situation please comment and let me know, I’m a bit lost as you can see. Tell me about any similar experiences you may have had as well, and please if anyone out there knows someone who left their girlfriends for the woman he was in an affair with please let me know! I need to know if such men actually exist! CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and learn first how it turns out with Mat. Also follow me on bloglovin’ to read the posts as soon as they come up! 

NOTE: Due to the high popularity of this article, I just published a follow up: 'Being the other Woman'. Click on it to read it if you can relate! 
Comment and let me know what you think and how you feel! :) 

  

  Let me just say, from the very beginning, that when it come to this question I’m an absolute NO NO NO! However, there seems to be a great debate whether a couple can break up and still remain friends. Many people would tell me ‘Yes, it’s perfectly possible’, so after I broke up with Garrick, a guy I used to be in a (rather short) relationship with, I decided that I could try to remain friends with him, even if I never really thought it would be possible… Well, I was right, it was a complete disaster!

  I met Garrick through a group of common friends about a year after I came to London. He was a nice guy and we immediately hit it off. We had a nice relationship for as long as it lasted, it was easy going and laid back, we had fun, not very serious. It all lasted about five months. Garrick was a nice, easy going guy, a great laugh and the kind of person you would love to have with you on a night out in town.  We would go out for drinks, dinner, dancing or stay in with good food and a movie and we would still have a great time! Even though I very much liked Garrick we broke up about 5 months later due to too much fighting. We decided to break it off before it was too late and all the good memories were replaced from our fights. I was quite sad after it ended, but I knew it was for the best. And then I made the oh so unforgivable mistake of suggesting we stay friends! Seriously, what was I thinking? I knew it would be a disaster the minute I heard the words come out of my mouth!

I always knew why two people are not meant to be friends after they break up. For some unknown reason though I decided that maybe it could work out. Well, every single theory I had about why two people should never be friends after they break up, came out to be true (surprise surprise!!). Firstly, being friends with someone should be easy, effortless and not awkward and complicated. Every time Garrick and I decided to meet up as friends, even with other friends around, it was just plain awkward. We would exchange a couple of words and then look the other way or start fidgeting nervously. The most extensive conversation we would have would be about the weather or my studies or his work, but that was about it. And of course we would never look each other straight in the eyes.  Besides the whole awkwardness, for me being friends with an ex is basically like being together, but without sex. If the relationship was never very serious and it was more like an easy going fun relationship where you just like to spend time with each other, but not live together (like my relationship with Garrick), then nothing changes besides the fact that you are not having sex anymore.

 Another reason for opposing the ‘friends with an ex’ situation is the fact that you might ‘slip’ once and sleep with them again! Now, just to be sure that this is definitely a reason for NOT being friends with an ex, I had to test my luck there as well; so when one night we went out with a group of friends and Garrick happened to be there, after one too many drinks we ended up back at my place… just the two of us. We both realized what a big mistake that was the next morning, but by then it was too late. Now, there are two reasons of why you should never have sex with an ex: if it’s good then you are reminded of what you lost and you just start missing him and possibly wanting to get back together. And if it’s bad, well you just had sex with an ex, which makes you seem the sad girlfriend that can’t get over him. When guys do it though, it’s never considered to be much of a deal. If anything, it gives them credit for ‘winning the girl’ all over again.  

 And of course, there is always the matter of jealousy! What happens when one of the two meets someone else? Will you get jealous? Will you be fine with it? And let’s say that maybe, just maybe, you have absolutely no problem with him dating someone else; how much more complicated would that make the friendship between you two? And worse of the worst, will you be able to talk about their new relationship like friends are supposed to? I really don’t have an answer for that, because Garrick and I decided that being friends wasn't a good idea after we slept together that night. I wish him the best and hope he is happy, but not keeping contact with him was the best decision for both of us!  

  It is my personal belief that a break up between two people comes about because they need their distance from each other, they need time for themselves. If two people remain friends after they break up then nothing changes. Even though it is clear to me how two former lovers can never remain friends, when it comes to relationships, I couldn't help but wonder: why is it that it’s possible to turn a friendship into a relationship, but not do the reverse? Maybe it’s nature’s twisted way of making us push some people out of our lives in order to let new ones in; or maybe it’s the fact that if you broke up with someone to begin with then you know he’s no good for you, so you choose not to have him in your life! Whatever the reason is however, you should know that being friends with an ex might be good in theory, it might also seem easy when it first starts, but it’s always an excuse to keep someone next to you that you are not ready to let go off – someone that you know you can’t work it out with so you choose the next best thing in order to keep them next to you. Unfortunately, it never turns out to be good news!!

 Did you manage to stay friends with an ex? Did you make an attempt and failed? Comment and let me know! Also don’t forget to contact me with your own stories that I can use for future posts at livefornow1992@gmail.com.

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 You have to excuse my delay for this post but life has been hectic these days. With exams over and summer preparations I hardly found time to research for the material of my next post. But, I haven’t forgotten, and spent the past few days carrying out a sort of experiment for this post. As you can see from the title of the post I’m going to try and explore the issue that most women drive themselves crazy over and put the maximum effort possible to look their best, in order to get a guy…. Those women also, falsely, think that that’s all it takes! Well I’m here to prove them wrong!

   Last week I decided that I’m running out of material for my blog, so I did what I had to for some research, I decided to start dating again. I called Sandra out for a drink, put on a nice dress, pretty make up and went for a drink. I thought that going out somewhere near Liverpool Street around 6ish would probably guarantee me a date for the weekend. But when I got there and started a pleasant conversation with my friend I realized that I wasn’t very into looking for guys, I preferred to just sit and have a drink with a friend. So I said to myself “Maybe if I’m lucky someone will come and talk to me and I won’t have to get out of my way tonight to meet someone”. However after a couple of hours, it turned out to be more of a girls-night out. When Sandra had to go, I was a bit tired, but decided to stay and have another drink and maybe find someone I like for a date this weekend. That didn’t turn out so well and I kept wondering what was wrong. I had worn my nice dress, had my hair and make up nicely done, but no one would come and talk to me. I’m not saying that I’m expecting that every time I go out someone will come and talk to me, but (not to brag) I’m used to finding someone for a chat and a drink whenever I feel like it. An hour later I decided that it was game over so I dragged my tired ass home, without any material for the next post or a date! I thought to myself that it was bad luck, but I would be able to get a date probably in the next few days, so I didn’t look much into it.

  It wasn’t until two days afterwards when I was invited to a friend’s place for dinner that I realized what went wrong the night before. I was invited to Vivi’s place for home-cooked dinner and a nice movie, so thinking it was just a girls night, I put on an old pair of jeans and a shirt, no make up, hair tied back and wore my glasses, but I didn’t care; if I was going to spend the evening in I might as well be comfortable. It wasn’t until I arrived at her house that I realized that she had another two friends over; two tall, brunette guys that apparently were her flatmate’s friends. I’m not one to turn down company, so I figured the more the merrier, we could hang out and watch a movie all together. Imagine my surprise when by the end of the night one of them asked me out. I actually had to ask him if he was serious! What was he thinking? I was dressed in rugs, my hair looked as if I had just woken up and I was even wearing my glasses. Even though we had a great time hanging out that night, I had to reject the date, because he just wasn’t my type; it would be really wrong of my to lead him on. Later that night, once I got back home, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why was it that someone was willing to ask me out even though I was dressed in little more than rugs? And why was it that when I was dressed up with perfect hair no one asked me out? Could it be that  the first impression men get does not come from looks?  Thinking about it now I realized there’s something much more important than looks – body language!! The night that I went out with Sandra, I was only interested in having a nice time with my girlfriend and even when she left I was not in the mood to actually flirt, so my body language was uninviting and distant. I would look in my drink, or look around bored, maybe take a quick peek at my watch from time to time. Honestly, who would approach someone that looks like that? On the other hand, the night that I spent in Vivi’s house, even though I wasn’t looking for a date I was smiling and relaxed and in wanted to be around good company; so my body language was inviting, warm and relaxed. After I spent years and years trying to look my best every time I was going on a date with someone I suddenly realized that it takes a lot less than that to impress someone!

    However, do not let my conclusion mislead you! Dressing up and looking your best is not bad at all! Most women dress up because they like it and because it boosts their confidence – that’s the reason I do it. But, when it comes to actually trying to impress someone, it’s not so much how much lipstick you have on but exactly how you are sitting when talking to him! For instance, if you have your back to him and you just turn your head sideways to talk to him then it looks as if you are not interested at all. If you are sitting exactly opposite him and facing him straight then you are making him feel like he’s about to close a business deal. The right way to face a man that you want to make an impression on or flirt with, is sit facing him, but tilt your body slightly sideways! What your body language says now: I like you enough to actually sit on only one of my ass cheeks and wake up tomorrow with back pain (well, that was mostly free style translation but you get the meaning)!

  That was just an example of how your body language can be inviting to someone and not distant or indifferent (yes I’ve done my homework on that one).           So ladies, by all means keep dressing up, styling up your hair and having the perfect make up, but when it comes to meeting someone remember that all of that wouldn’t matter if you actually don’t have the right attitude and the right body language. And of course if you do have the body language, the perfect appearance is an extra bonus for the lucky guy ;)

 I actually read into the whole body language issue when it comes to dating so feel free to comment and ask me questions about it. Also, tell me your general thoughts on the subject and don’t forget to like my facebook page! CLICK HERE for the facebook page! 

Again apologies for the late upload of this post, will try not to repeat it! J

                                                                                                           

  

   Friend, boyfriend, fuck buddy, husband, partner… Friend, girlfriend, mistress, wife…. Why do we always need to use the labels? This is my first post that I don’t tell a story about myself, but instead about my friend Vivi and her experience with someone. Maybe I sound too self-centered, so I realized it’s about time I give other peoples' experiences as well!! Yesterday, while we were out shopping in London and stopped for a nice Mcflurry, Vivi decided it was about time to tell me her concerns over a guy she’s seeing, which brought up a lot of questions in my mind, which I naturally decided to share with you.

   At the beginning of this year Vivi was going out with a guy named Dan. Their relationship was short and brief and never clear how it ended. The closest thing she could come to a conclusion was that he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Months after that ended, she met a really nice guy called Ed. Since she met Ed I remember her being quite happier and smiling more often, but when she talks about him she always says ‘we are just friends’.  When I saw them together  a couple of times, they were being really flirty with each other (I didn't stalk them, I just bumped into them! I always need material for my blog, but I wouldn't go that far… hopefully!), but she always kept saying that nothing was going on and they were just friends. That was until one day, she came up to me while I was in the library revising (no way to get out of exams!) and she told me that she spent the night at his place. I knew there was something more to it than ‘just friends’, but she seemed quite skeptical about it. “We had a really nice time, he cooked for me and he makes me laugh… .we made out and then fell asleep together, but I don’t want to have sex with him or be in a relationship with him”. She kept saying that nothing more was going to happen and that he was great and made her laugh but they should just be friends. I didn't want to contradict her then because I knew the subject would make her uncomfortable and waited until she came to talk to me about it.

   So yesterday, somewhere between Urban Outfitters and Topshop she turned and told me “I still spend a lot of time with him, I miss him when I don’t see him for a few days and we talk every day, but  I don’t know what’s going on”. Naturally I asked her what she wanted from him and she frowned for a minute until she said “Well, I know I don’t want a relationship with him, or to have sex, but  I like him,  I like to hang out with him and I like to make out with him sometimes and sleep together… I don’t know what this is! I have to figure out if I want him as a friend or a boyfriend”.  Now it was my turn to frown and ask her “Why? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t you have fun the way you and him want to?” , to which she answered “Well, I don’t know what to tell people, are we friends or are we a couple?” By that point I was in deep thought and I pointed out that none of it matters, it doesn't matter what she will tell people, they can do whatever they like in their own privacy. I remember her saying “Deep inside we all care what other people think, even if we pretend not to” … I had to admit she was right. So I gave her the best advice I could “Do whatever you want, tell people you are just friends. Whatever you do in the privacy of your house is your own business”. Just when I thought the conversation was over and I had solved the problem (maybe I shouldn't think too much of myself!) she turned and said “But I don’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t know what we are, we are not just friends, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, we are not fuck buddies… we are just something!” That was when I started thinking about labels.

  As much as I would like to think so, it’s not just Vivi that wants labels, it’s most of us. If we don’t know what’s going on with the guy, if we can’t point our finger and name it, then suddenly we get uncomfortable. What will everyone else think? What are we doing?  Truth is, most of the time we don’t have everything clear in our minds; if we are not somewhere between dating and a relationship, then we are somewhere between friends and fuck buddies, and if we are not somewhere between couple and friends, we are somewhere between a relationship and a break up…. Why does it always have to be something?

  We girls are, by nature, perfectionists. We need to be able to define and explain everything perfectly, so it is only natural that when it comes to relationships we want the same thing. But after my afternoon of shopping with Vivi, I couldn't help but wonder: Why do we need labels to make it work? Why can’t we just go with the flow? Maybe, labels, just like in fashion, make us ‘wear’ it comfortably and with confidence, enabling us to show it off and share it with the world. Boyfriend, friend, fuck buddy, lover, husband… maybe it’s like Prada, Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and so on. Maybe it’s because of the way we grew up, in a society that judges everything, we need to be able to explain ourselves to anyone that asks for an explanation.  Later on, after contemplating on the subject for a few hours, I got a text from Vivi saying “I just realized, that’s exactly what I did wrong with Dan. I tried to put a label on him (boyfriend) that he wasn't ready for. That’s why it ended so soon!” and I had to admit, she was right! Dan ran off because Vivi wanted to jump into something that he wasn't ready for. I guess labels aren't always good after all. If Vivi had gone with the flow back then, maybe she would have hit it off with Dan, but we’ll never know.

   So my advice to all of you out there that are somewhere between relationships, dating, friends, fuck buddies and so on, is: if you are enjoying what you are doing, then just go with the flow. Don’t be in hurry to put a label on it; that will come on its own. Right now, there might not be a label for it; it might as well just be… something, or anything. Eventually all the pieces will fall into place... Until then, laugh at the confusion and live for the moment.The important thing is if you are enjoying it, then that’s all that matters. And when it comes to what others think… well, the less they know the better!

By the way, please send me your stories to get inspired from and I will create posts from your stories as well, with conclusions and advises (if I can find any!). You can contact me at livefornow1992@gmail.com

Comment and tell me if you are experiencing something similar, and how much you like labels! 

  “Can it be just sex?”: The eternal question that tortures every single woman who wants to have some fun but not get emotionally involved with anyone. If you had asked me 3 years ago I would have answered in a split second, without even thinking about it “of course it can be just sex, you don’t need to get emotionally involved!” Well, three years later I have to admit, with great regret, that I might not have been right.  I have been trying to solve this great mystery with friends and it seems that everyone’s opinion varies on the subject. So I decided that maybe I should give my experience on this topic and try to draw some conclusions out of it.

  

  His name was Mat, and I have known him for years, but I was never actually friends with him. I always thought that he seemed like a nice guy, a good laugh, but never actually thought more of him.  He was the first to approach me, first as a friend and then flirting subtly with me. I had to give it to him; this guy was smart. He knew how to play the game without making too obvious what he was after. He was really nice, he would talk to me quite often (but not all the time, so he gave me some breathing space as well!) and most of all he made me laugh. Unfortunately at the time, I was not looking for a relationship, and little did I know that neither was he.  Yes, I did reciprocate the flirting, but when we went out a few times, I kept some safe distance, just to make it clear that I wasn't up for dating.

  When a few months had passed by, it was time to have a serious conversation with Mat. I got ready to turn him down nicely (and let’s just say a little part of me took pleasure in it, it gave me that feeling of having someone chase after me… I know what you are thinking, and yes I’m embarrassed!). Imagine my surprise when Matt looked at me with a smile and said “I don’t want a relationship either!” I felt humiliated and embarrassed for my overconfidence and arrogance! But to my great surprise he added: “What do you say to just having some fun?” and winked. No one had ever asked me that before, but I always believed that casual sex was no big deal. And I was right, for the next two years it wasn't.  Matt and I had a great time together. We would meet up whenever someone was available, no commitment, we could date other people if we wanted to, if we had to cancel then no one would moan over it or complain, and the sex… oh the sex was just great! With no feelings there were no insecurities and with no insecurities… everything was possible! I wouldn't care if I looked good doing this or that, or if I was perfectly waxed, if I had enough make up on and so on and so forth. I would just go there and it would be great every time! I had no insecurities about trying anything new and I would just be myself, both in the bedroom (or kitchen, office, car, couch, etc ) and outside of it! And when we weren’t having sex, we would be having a good laugh over a glass of wine and a nice pleasant conversation. Being with him was just easy and fun, and I never questioned wanting anything more from him… until I came to London. Imagine how difficult it is to stay in a long distance relationship for years… almost impossible. Now you would think since two people in love couldn’t manage to save their relationship from the distance, what chance did we stand to save our ‘relationship’? So naturally, when I came to London I thought it was all over, and I thought that the past two years were great, a lot of fun, but that it's time to move on. I wished Matt all the best, told him we’ll talk and catch up every now and then and that was it. Well, little did I know, that my story with Matt did not come to an end there, but it was just the beginning of a very messed up situation.

  

  As I spent a few months in London, I realized that I started to miss Matt and even though we would talk every now and then, I wanted to see him. Apparently Matt was thinking the same thing because as soon as I went back for Christmas, Matt wanted to see me. And this time it wasn't the usual ‘just sex and a nice conversation’ routine, but there was something I never experienced with Matt before: romance! He poured me a glass of wine, lit the candles and held me close to him for hours before making love to me. I never used that word before to describe having sex with Matt, but apparently while I was away something had changed. Not to mentioned he said he missed me more than 10 times. I couldn't believe it… Had the distance made me fall in love with Matt, or have I been in love with him all along and just didn't realize it because he was so available to me? After that night we both realized that whatever it was we were doing had gotten out of control, and we both independently but simultaneously decided to keep some distance from each other. After a few months have passed by, I came to realize that I still care about Matt, and that every time I go back home I’m going to want to see him, and I wish him all the best. We both started dating other people after that, and even though we do keep in touch we know that a relationship between me and him would never work out. We are just way too different to be compatible.

  After my experience with Matt it seemed that my beliefs had been shaken to the core and that I had to rethink the whole ‘sex without emotion’ situation. It is in fact, scientifically proven that while making love women excrete a hormone that makes them fall in love with the man. So could it be, that we are in fact, by nature, programmed to not be able to have casual sex? And if so, if we are later meant to fall for each guy that we sleep with, why does casual sex feel so good? And to make it clear, I am not talking about one night stands; one night stands are a different situation. When I say casual sex, I refer to having a fuck buddy. So can we date our fuck buddy? And if we can’t, just like I can’t date Matt, why does the sex with someone that we are not meant to be with, feel so good?

  I had this conversation over and over again with many friends. I recall Sandra one day telling me over coffee “I never had a fuck buddy, but I don’t think that it is impossible to have sex without falling in love! I guess it depends on each person”. When I asked Javier he took one look at me and said “I never fell in love with anyone that I had casual sex with. It’s perfectly possible! And might I add, amazing!” If my friends are right, why did I fall in love with my fuck buddy? Finally I had to talk to Vivi to get an answer that would contradict them. “Well I could never have casual sex. I have to be in love with someone to have good sex, otherwise I won’t do it at all” she said one day somewhere between revising and falling asleep on some past papers. After a mixture of opinions I couldn't help but wonder: “What does it take to have casual sex with someone? And is there a thin line that separates casual sex and making love with someone? Had my almost three year sex relationship with Matt stepped well over that line, or was it all about timing? Maybe if you are sleeping with someone for that long, you are meant to develop some feelings for them at some point and maybe casual sex, just like milk, has an expiration date.

  So for all of you out there, who are having casual sex and enjoying the hell out of it (I know, it’s great!) take some caution and think about the person you are sleeping with. If you had to leave them right now, how much would you miss them? Because ladies, speaking from experience those feelings don’t warn you before showing up; and you will realize you have them when it’s too late to do anything about it!

 Let me know if any of you had any similar experiences with casual sex? Could you keep it just casual or did you fall for that person? Comment and let me know! 

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 What happens when you meet a guy and he seems like he has it all? He’s gorgeous, clever, attentive and interesting! You think you have it all! You meet this guy and he is drop dead gorgeous, you get lucky and go on a date with him, maybe a second one if you are extremely lucky and then you realize not only this guy is hot, he has a great character as well…… Ding Ding Ding! You just hit the jackpot! …. Hmmm? Maybe too soon? Well this is my story with Chris. One of my readers asked me to write a post about getting excited with a guy too soon and Chris fits the purpose of this topic perfectly!

  

 I met Chris one day, first thing in the morning when I woke up! I found him in my corridor trying to fix something in the house. You can imagine my surprise when, on my way to the bathroom, somewhere between yawning and trying to keep my eyes open, I found someone in the corridor that looks like Leonardo Dicaprio. I froze (and mid-yawn might I add! Not very attractive!). I completely forgot we had someone coming that morning and my flatmate had let him in apparently. By the time he said ‘Goodmorning’ I realized my mouth was still hanging open! As you realize there was no way I would let that guy out of my house without at least exchanging phone numbers, so after I washed my face, brushed my teeth and put on some proper clothes (I was wearing teddy bear Pjs!) I offered him a cup of coffee and started chatting him up. We exchanged phone numbers and five days later we were on our first date.  He came and picked me up with his car and we drove around, he showed me around the area and we ended up somewhere in Greenwich for a beer. I couldn't believe it, he was great! He was intelligent, well-educated, slightly older (28), had a lot of great stories to tell and so on and so forth. Ok I will say one flaw that I saw from the very first moment (even though I wanted to think of him as perfect then!) : he was full of himself. But at the moment I thought everyone has flaws, being overconfident it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Well, it turns out it was in this case, so keep reading!

  By the end of the night, I was sure I had a crush! I couldn't remember when the last time I had a crush was; I was probably 12, and even then it was the cliché crush on a high-school teacher, which I soon grew out of and was too embarrassed about it to admit it to anyone! It was  like I was 12 again, I had butterflies in my stomach and I was smiling like an idiot to myself the whole night before I went to bed, not to mention thinking about him until I fell asleep! Even though I had the crush of a 12-year old, I knew better than to text him the next day or the day after, I waited the well-known-by now 48-hour rule, and then when I was contemplating whether to text him or not, my crush texted me! We started talking, and there's no need to mention I was smiling at my phone the entire time and I swear my heart skipped a bit every time I received a text from him! Well, before I knew it we were on a second and third date, and it was all going great; I was getting an adrenaline rush every time I saw him and I felt like flying every time he texted me. Well… this was soon to change!

  One night while my crush and I were having a glass of wine at my place (and I was thinking this is the night!! Wink, wink) we were talking about a new bar that he went to, the week before, when his sentence suddenly begun with “Gloria was with me and she liked it too”.  I took a moment to think about who Gloria was; I don’t think he ever mentioned her before, and he had mentioned most of his family members and friends in London. So of course I looked at him skeptically and said with great hesitation “Gloria…?”. By that moment I hoped she would turn out to be his long-lost sister that he just found out about and took her out for a drink to get to know each other! And then, as if talking about the weather, he calmly answered: “Yes, I was on a date”. I couldn't believe what my crush was saying; I was crashed! When my mouth dropped open he smiled cheekily and said “Well baby, I don’t think we ever said this was exclusive”. While for me the idea of dating someone else while I was with him felt like trying to breath under deep water, for Chris it seemed perfectly normal! That was it, even though my crush had crashed me, he had also slapped me back to reality. I got up, gathered myself and calmly but sternly told him “I appreciate your honesty, but please get up from my couch and get the fuck out of my house”; and then of course I smiled, I had to play it perfectly! He looked at me in shock; I don’t think any woman has kicked his pretty face out of the house before, but I wasn't going to take it!

  

  Well, after Chris left, I told my story to my friends who gave me a mixture of reactions. A couple of them burst out laughing at what had happened (which I had to admit was funny!) but the rest were in shock. Javier, always calm and collected shrugged and said “Well it’s a good thing you kicked him out” But then laughed and said “Well he has the looks to pull off that attitude!” I must say Javier left me wondering: “Do we get excited too soon with first dates because the guys know exactly what to say to make us fall for their bullshit? And if so, if we act like teenagers and have crushes every now and then, how careful should we be before we actually consider seriously dating someone?... How well do we ever know the men we go out with?” I couldn't have known that Chris was going to turn out to be a playboy, or I wouldn't go out with him, and I’m sure many of you found out things about your crushes that made you regret going out with them. When is it too soon to get excited? And of course, what are the deal breakers? For me dating multiple women at once definitely was a deal breaker! I never stopped to think twice about kicking his gorgeous green eyes out of my house. I knew that respect was something that I expected, and neither his pretty face, firm ass nor green eyes could buy it off!

So ladies, it’s healthy to have a crush every now and then, to have butterflies in your stomach, to have your heart skip a bit, but try not to get excited too soon, because speaking from experience… if he seems too good to be true, he probably is!!

 Comment and tell me your experiences and if you ever had a crush that ended badly! Also, did anyone of you find that Mr. Perfect that has it all? I’m actually really curious! Don't forget to like my facebook page and tell me what you think: https://www.facebook.com/newcitygirlondating?ref=ts&fref=ts

   Most of my posts tell the story of guys that I used to date and how it all turned out to be a disaster. This post however is not about one particular guy, but rather about why we are still single. This post is about us, and about how we see dating, what we do wrong and what we expect from guys. I have to say from now that I have no specific answer to that question, but what I do have is a set of theories on why we are still single (or rather, a bunch of questions taking over my mind), and I hope you can relate to at least one of them. Personally I can relate to most of them!

  I believe that one of the most important reasons that we are still single is the fact that most of us are stuck on that one guy, who is unavailable (either in another relationship, too old or is just not interested in a relationship). Most of you will scoff and deny that you are that kind of girl. But wait a minute, take a deep breath and think about it. Can you honestly tell me that you have never (at least at some point in your life) fell for a guy that was completely wrong for you? And can you deny that you spent at least a few months obsessing over that guy and hoping that somehow things would magically change and he would end up with you? It is my personal belief that women are programmed to fall for someone completely wrong for them, at least once in their life. Maybe that’s nature’s way of making us tougher and more tolerant. (Personally I made that mistake more than once). The big question however is why – Why do we fall for these guys? Are we so hopeful that we believe that maybe he will be the one, even though we can tell from the very beginning that he is bad news? Or do we have so much faith in ourselves that we see it as a mission, and we believe that we have to make this guy right for us, that we can change him for us, even though all evidence point to the contrary? No matter what the answer is to that question (and I have no answer, so if you do please comment and tell me!), the point is that we spent months, and possibly years stuck on that guy, who never ends up with us. He either ends up as an eternal (and eligible) bachelor, or with someone else, and we are left wondering why he didn't choose us!  My experience with Nick is a great example: I got so hung up on a guy for three whole years, in a situation that I knew I would never gain anything from, but I was still there, unwilling to get out and save myself!

   

  Another question that pops up in my mind every now and then is: “Do we have high expectations?” Are we still single, because we are expecting the knight on the white horse to come in and sweep us off our feet? Do we really believe that we can find that Mr. Perfect who will adore us and treat us like a princess, be gorgeous and always say the right thing at the same time, always agree with us and be our hero? And if we do believe that he’s out there, why can’t we find him? When it comes to men, I do have high expectations, but experience taught me that Mr. Perfect is nowhere to be found. I want to believe that my high expectations source from the fact that I was brought up by an amazing man, who set a great example on how a man should treat me, hence I will not settle for anything less. However, no one is perfect! The point is not to find the perfect person, but seek for the perfect connection with that imperfect person. And ladies let’s not forget, none of us is perfect. Are we really expecting to find the perfect person who will put up with our moaning and complaining and all our imperfections and never get fed up or upset about it? I don’t think so! Having high expectations is not necessarily a bad thing, but we have to be realistic! Someone once told that the flaws are the best part… you have to love someone not despite of their flaws, but because of their flaws as well!

 My other theory on why we are still single has to do with the places we are looking for that one person. We all have our type of guy that we are into. For example, I might be 20 but I am into older guys. So I don’t expect to find the type of guys I like at university or at any university parties. I will probably find them at certain bars in London, usually not at nightclubs, or at certain restaurants/cafes. So depending on your type of guy, you have to hang out at the right places, where they hang out as well, if you are hoping to meet them.

  Despite all my theories of why we are still single, we have to consider the possibility that finding the right person just didn't happen yet. So maybe we should stop obsessing over finding that one perfect person for us, and think about the possibility that maybe we are the ones that have to rescue ourselves and not wait for the knight on the white horse to come and ride off into the sunset with us! Maybe we should learn to depend more on ourselves, and if we happen to find that one perfect person, well then that’s amazing. If not… we should just learn that we can count on ourselves for everything.

I hope you enjoyed this post and keep coming back for the next ones. Comment and tell me if you have any more theories on why we are still single and in general what you think of my blog!

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  We fall in and out of love all the time, even though the latter is much harder to do than the former. We fall for jerks that break our hearts, we fall for older men because of their experience or we might just fall for anyone that makes us feel special… but can we fall in love with two people at the same time?  This is the story of two guys that played a very important part in my life, and both broke my heart; so please excuse my potential lack of humor in this post, but as you will understand none of the two stories had a happy ending. Even though I was very much in love with both of these guys… I never expected it to happen at the same time!

  When I met Nick I was 18. He was 30. I knew he was too old for me, and our ‘relationship’ was wrong on so many levels. I had an on-and-off relationship with Nick for 3 whole years. He taught me a lot, and I’m planning to use my relationship with him as an example for many of my upcoming posts. In 3 years my relationship with Nick has taught me so many things about life and dating than anything else or anyone else ever has. From the very beginning Nick had been one hell of a complicated guy. We never dated properly, it was more like an on and off affair throughout the 3 years. At time he made my life hell and he would hurt me every chance he would get. So why did I stay with him? Well, I knew Nick many years before anything had happened between us, and I always loved him. But the reason that I put up with the excruciating relationship we had is because I was madly and unconditionally in love with him. Even now, quite a while after everything ended with him, I cannot say that I am completely over him. (But this is another topic that I’m planning on discussing in the future). 

  

  By the time I met Andy, I was in that mess with Nick for about a year. It is my personal belief that if there’s any chance that ‘love at first sight’ exists, it was exactly what I experienced with Andy.  I’m not a romantic and I definitely don’t believe in love at first sight, but since the first moment I saw Andy, it was like nothing I've never felt before; I couldn't look away and I knew I had to get to know him straight away. To make a long story short, I got to know Andy and we started dating; even though our relationship was really short-lived I somehow managed to fall deeply in love with him. I dated Andy for three months and I was madly in love with him, since the first moment. I would get butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him, and I couldn't go through the day if I didn't talk to him. For as long as it lasted, my relationship with Andy was amazing. He would treat me like a real lady; he took me to meet his family, he used to cook for me and was there every time I needed him. On the other hand, while I was dating Andy, Nick and I decided to take some time apart because things had gotten way too complicated; and even though I was head over heels with Andy, there wasn't a day when my mind wouldn't wander off to Nick. We talked from time to time, he would tell me that he misses me, and I would say I miss him too; but we both knew we were in over our heads and that our relationship was doomed. 

  

  Unfortunately Andy left me 3 months later for someone else and it really broke my heart. It took me many months to get over him, and I couldn't even understand what was wrong with me and how I had fallen so deeply in love with someone, in such a short time! Nick contacted me shortly afterwards and the moment I heard his voice I realized that while I was still heart-broken and still in love with Andy, I never stopped loving Nick; on top of that I really wanted to see him. We got back together, and he kept breaking my heart over and over again for another two years until I said enough. More on Nick’s story however is coming on the next posts.

 After my two relationships, I still had that one question coming to my mind over and over again: “ Was I really in love with two guys at the same time? How is that possible?” From there on, every time I would ask someone “Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love with two people at the same time?” no one had a straight answer. And to this day, if I hadn't lived through it, I would still think it’s impossible to happen! Even though after my experience I knew that falling in love with two people at the same time was actually possible, I couldn't help but wonder: “Was I so emotionally worn out by my relationship with Nick that I desperately needed someone else to rescue me? And if so, if Nick had actually destroyed me emotionally, was I so willing to love someone else except him, that I actually made myself believe in love at first sight?” After careful consideration, I realized that even though it was true that Nick did exhaust me psychologically, I didn't fall for Andy because I needed someone to rescue me: it was just meant to be.  That led me to conclude that even though it is possible to fall in love with two people at the same time, you can never love someone for the same reasons you love someone else! I realized that the reasons that I fell madly in love with Nick were much different than the ones that made me fall for Andy.

  I fell in love with Nick because he gave me that sense of adventure, of something forbidden, of guilty pleasure. It was passion, lust, obsession, infatuation; and even though I did love him and care about him, passion was always the main factor that kept our relationship together.  I fell in love with Andy for very different reasons: he made me laugh, he spent time with me as a friend and he was just making it so easy for me to be myself that I couldn't help but falling for him.

 So if you are wondering whether it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time, or if you are actually experiencing it now, then in my view, it is perfectly normal. You can actually be in love with two people at the same time, but truth is, you will never love someone the same way you love someone else.

Comment and tell me about your experiences. Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time? How did it work out? Do you believe that you can be in love with two people at the same time? Also, I am sorry for not posting often enough, but it is exam period right now and I hardly find any free time!!

Please also offer ideas for new posts if you want!

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  I never was one to think before speaking. Not only when it comes to men, but in general. Even though at times it proved to be bad, (I was hurting people without meaning to do so, or saying the wrong things at the worst possible timing) I never thought of changing this about myself until I met Richard. Richard was one of my first boyfriends, when I was about 16. Of course his real name is not Richard, but for the sake of this article I would like to call him Richard, mostly because the nickname for Richard is Dick, and even though I never understood why Dick is short for Richard, it really suits this guy.

  I met Dick one day at a café, while hanging out with a few friends. He wasn't very handsome, but there was something about him that I really liked. We had a couple of friends in common and they introduced me to him, and that’s how we started talking (I know it’s a cliché, but when you are 16 this is the most popular way to get a boyfriend). We talked for a few weeks, went out as friends and after about a month we were officially dating. I dated Richard (oh I mean Dick!) for 6 months, and when you are 16 that’s considered oh-so-big! Well, what went wrong this time? I had a nice time with him; we used to go out, have a good laugh and we were pretty into each other. However, I would always say the wrong thing at the worst possible time. When he did something I didn't like I would immediately tell him off, most of the time I would snap at him (teenagers do that ALL the time!) and I wouldn't think before speaking, which meant that at times I offended him. It looked like I was looking to start a fight out of nowhere. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to tell him off in front of his friends (HUGE mistake when it comes to guys!!).  I recall one time saying “I hate what you are wearing” as soon as he walked in the room with all of his friends there. That was a mistake, I have to admit it, but there were also times when I was right. For instance, we would walk down the street and he would check out another girl (most guys do that, even when they are with their girlfriends) and I would just snap at him. Well I learnt, a little bit too late, that it’s not the way to do it! Telling him off in the middle of the street about anything, will get you nowhere.

 When he would cancel on me, I would shout or moan at him for hours, and I remember telling him quite frequently “Sometimes I feel like I hate you when you do that!” I know I sound like a complete bitch right now, but please give me a break; I was 16, an angry teenager who thought I was the centre of the world – even though I should have been snapping at my parents, like all normal teenagers! Even when I told him ‘I love you’ it was at the wrong time and the wrong place. We were just walking one day and I stopped suddenly, turned and said “I think I love you”. Now you would think that saying I love you abruptly would be spontaneous and potentially romantic. But stop for a minute and think about it: “I THINK I love you?” Really? What was I thinking? If you say I love you to someone, you don’t think that you love them, you should be sure. Also: no, you wouldn't expect me to tell him over a romantic dinner, under the candlelight, but you would at least expect me to say it in a more private place; when I was sure that I loved him!

Unsurprisingly we broke up because of too much fighting - and even the break up was at the wrong time and the wrong place! (He broke up with me though. Over text. While I was abroad!).  I never thought it was my fault for nagging him too much, or for always saying the wrong thing at a really bad timing.

  However, more than 4 years later, I got to thinking about thinking before speaking. While talking about it over coffee with some friends, one late afternoon I got a few wise words from them. When I popped the question, “When it comes to dating, should you think before you speak?”, Javier thought about it for a second and then said hesitantly “Well, as long as you say it with respect…”; (translation: yes always think about what you say before you say it!). Vivi, (who also took a couple of seconds to think about it) replied that speaking before thinking is usually considered to be more honest, but more emotional rather than rational.  However, a few minutes later she said “I always think too much before I speak, which makes me not say things I actually want to say and then I regret it…”. My other friend, Julia (who’s been with her boyfriend for 5 years now, so she must know something!) said straight away, without hesitation “Think before you speak, it’s the right thing to do!”

  When I came back home, I couldn't help but wonder: “Is it possible that we scare men away because we always say what’s on our mind without thinking? And if that’s true, would we be honest and true if we didn't say what we feel, just to keep a guy?” I understood with time that the most important thing it’s not what you say, but how you say it! Thinking before speaking is the wisest thing to do, BUT you have to do it at the right time, with the nicest possible way. If something bothers you and you say it straight away, chances are you will say it in an angry manner, probably even shout, and you can be 100% sure it will sound rude. However, if you say it later on, when you are not angry anymore and have some time to think about it, then you will say it in the nicest possible way, he will understand it better and most likely won’t get pissed off at you and think that you are nagging him. He will probably respect you more for that as well. I put my advice into practice with many men that I dated afterwards and found out that it is actually the best way to say things to men! The more I took time to think about how I would say something that would potentially annoy them, the more I was able to find a better way (and time!) to say it, which meant that I was easier to get along with, and they weren't getting fed up with my nagging. Of course sometimes I still just say the first thing that comes to my mind and I regret it afterwards. Oh well, bad habits die hard, (but you can get them under control!)

  Oh and if you are wondering why I call this guy Dick: he is now dating my ex-best friend!

So ladies, think before you speak, but always say what’s on your mind, just in a nice way – respect them and you will get the same in return (I guess Javier was right after all!). Did you ever have any bad experiences because you blurted out the first thing that came to your mind or did you always think before speaking? Feel free to comment and share your experiences!!

 Don’t forget to check out my facebook page on the latest updates and the next posts’ subjects: https://www.facebook.com/newcitygirlondating?fref=ts! I hope you enjoyed this post, and don’t miss the next post on “Can we fall in love with two people at the same time?” which is coming pretty soon!!