As we get older, and move from relationship to relationship it is unavoidable that we will see some patterns repeating themselves. Most of us found ourselves (probably in every relationship we ever had) being disappointed in our guy for the same things over and over again. As if wondering what goes on in our minds and what we feel goes wrong with our guys wasn’t enough, there comes a time when we have to learn the awful truth: there’s always two sides to every story; we don’t just get disappointed in our guys, they get disappointed in us as well.

 As women, we are, by nature, designed to obsess about every little thing. We are well known for overanalyzing each and every detail, creating imaginary scenarios in our minds and then overreacting to them as well. So there comes a point in every relationship when we feel like something is off – even if everything is perfectly normal. Maybe he doesn’t call often enough, maybe he seems like he doesn’t care, maybe we think he doesn’t want us enough.... and maybe, just maybe this is all in our head. Just like most women out there, I tend to overthink every little detail: “Why hasn’t he called in the past few hours?”, “He doesn’t seem to be pretty into me lately”, “Maybe he’s losing interest, am I doing something wrong?”. Most of the times these are things we wonder, or obsess about to our friends but usually never tell the guy what goes on in our head – primarily because everything is a creation of our imagination; and we knew this all along! But even if this is the case, we all know perfectly well that our insecurities have their own way to manifest themselves, and these little obsessions are the most common one. But I just didn’t know how much until I got a guy’s point of view on this. One morning, over coffee at Serge’s place, he opened his ex-files. As much as this is completely unnecessary in a new relationship, there is something intriguing about finding out about your guy’s past relationships, and what went wrong – the very least, this could help you figure out a dating pattern. But, I wasn’t prepared at all for what I found out.

Apparently, our dating behaviour changes from bad to worst as we get older, and as soon as we hit early to mid 30s and our biological clock starts ticking, it gets the worst it can get. Here I was, placing all on my hopes on the illusion that I will learn from my dating mistakes as I get older and possibly be able to balance a proper relationship in 10 years time ... when it all came tumbling down. Apparently not only do we not learn anything from our past dating failures, but we get impatient... and start believing that emotional manipulation is the way to go when it comes to keeping a guy. As soon as Serge said that to me, I dismissed it as an overgeneralization of his past dating failures. But even when I got home, I still kept over obsessing about that topic (as a woman naturally would do), so I figured I’ll use my good old friend google to look into it. And I couldn’t believe it... there it was, my worst dating fear coming to life: all sorts of blog posts, comments and even famous magazine articles, all talking about the exact same thing – emotionally manipulating the men we are in a relationship with through the use of drama, dominating them, making them wait, withholding sex, underestimating them, making them jealous, instructing them on how to do things, and the lists went on and on. As I stared in horror at the countless webpages, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this going to be me in ten years time, is there any way to avoid it, or horror of horrors .... is that me already? Yes, we do like to play little games, make our men jealous from time to time, just to get some more attention or make them chase us a little, and maybe even subtly suggesting how they should change a few things we don’t like ... but is this taking a whole new dimension and overwhelming all the men we are dating? And as if this wasn’t bad enough, Serge gave me yet another reason why women in their 30s have more dating failures than successes: most of them start dating with an ultimate goal in their mind – to get married and start a family. Of course this is reasonable, but apparently, the pursuit of that goal, makes women rush into things, and forgetting to actually enjoy the relationship. At least that’s one thing that we girls in our 20s have over women in their 30s: we just enjoy the relationship for what it is and not for what it can turn into in the near future.   But the more I got to think about it, the more infuriated I got: not only did I get personally offended after this conversation, but it seems like most guys out there blame us for whatever goes wrong in the relationship.

 And just when I thought it wouldn’t get any worse, Serge gave me the old time classic reason that women find themselves single in their mid-30s: they are waiting for Prince Charming. I recall him saying:”About 3-4 months into the relationship, they realize that the guy is not Prince Charming, he can’t be there whenever she needs him, he has his own life, his own job and his own responsibilities... and that’s about the time they break up with him”. Now that’s an argument I actually couldn’t refute; that’s something that does happen and I have seen it; it’s something I even wrote about before in my blog (see Why are we still single?).  But even so, standing there, completely shocked and losing all faith in a normal stable relationship, I couldn’t find any answers to all the questions that kept going through my mind: Why are you dating me? Why are you even dating in general? And even worse, Are you expecting me to turn into one of those women in a few months time? Are you expecting me to explode in a couple of months because you are not Prince Charming or maybe start manipulating you to get what I want? And by now I know I won’t find any answers to those questions; even Kate was shocked when she heard all this, asking me the exact same questions to which I have no idea how to answer.

 Despite all this, I decided to stick around; not so much to prove him wrong and confirm that all womankind is not mentally imbalanced and psychotic, but mostly because I have to prove myself right. I may not even make a difference to him, but I’m not going to back down just because he thinks that we are all crazy women looking to get married with Prince Charming (or turn any guy into Prince Charming), have his babies and settle down in a fairytale-like relationship. Afterall, as naive as I sound saying this, who wouldn’t get bored of Prince Charming? Every woman wants a guy who has flaws; they are the best part and you just learn to love them. As for the emotional manipulation – I guess some women must do that, and some guys can’t put up with this, but honestly at this point, the only thing that counts is to be honest, respect the guy you are with and show him that you are his, not make him doubt it and keep him in a constant fear that you might run away ... and everything else will eventually fall into place. At least that’s what we have to keep believing, otherwise we might just give up on dating right here and now, because we are all doomed.

 Ever had that kind of experience with your man or heard of similar stories? Comment and let me know 

Maybe this will sound a little silly because everyone has their own different way of dealing with this situation. But what happens when falling for someone is an almost foreign concept to you, catches you by surprise and ultimately, scares the hell out of you? If you happen to be like me, you probably find it almost impossible to even genuinely like a guy, let alone fall in love with them. But sometimes, once in a blue moon, a guy comes along, changes the way we feel and puts our cynical perspective to shame.

 In my life, I have probably been in love twice; the first was with Nick (see Do we need to changeto be in a relationship?), but I was so young and it was such a complicated situation; it doesn’t even count for me. The second one, and most recent one is with Mat (see Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you? and Just sex... orsomething more?). But falling for Mat wasn’t a typical dating story, where you start falling for someone gradually and you see it coming. Having sex with no feelings for more than a year with Mat, it was only natural that even when I developed feelings I didn’t realize it until it was too late. It wasn’t until almost two years later, when Sarah brought it to my attention and said “you are in love with him”, that I realized I had actually fallen for him. So naturally, being with someone for a while and falling in love gradually with him... is a concept foreign to me; one that I wouldn’t be able to recognize even if it slapped me in the face.

 I’ve been dating Serge (see Are we exclusive ... yet?) for a little longer than three months now. I had forgotten how pleasant it feels to actually be with someone that is easy going and makes you enjoy spending time with them. With Mat, most of the time we would either be fighting, having sex or just trying to avoid the ‘elephant in the room’ and talk about irrelevant topics, which was, frankly, just exhausting. To make a short story long, it wasn’t long ago when I started feeling like I actually missed Serge when we weren’t together and started being restless and impatient until the next time we met. But when you are busy, especially in the middle of an exam season, such thoughts might occur every now and then. but you never pay much attention; so mostly I used to shelve it at the back of my mind and just get busy with studying. Today, however, was different. With revision taking up all of my days, the only way I could spend some time with Serge and still get some work done was to spend the day at his place, studying. All was good, he was working and I was getting quite a lot of work done as well, until I started feeling my hands getting sweating. About half an hour later, I got an unsettling feeling and couldn’t keep myself concentrated more than five minutes. For some inexplicable reason I felt an urge to get up, get my things and make a run for it. I had no idea what made me feel so anxious and I didn’t know how to keep this overwhelming feeling under control. I woke up and started pacing around the house, trying to think and then ... it hit me. I was shelving away all those thoughts the past few weeks, when really what I should have realized was that I was falling for him. And that’s the least of it; as soon as I realized what I was feeling I freaked out and got scared. The urge to run away was becoming more and more appealing and my hands kept shaking and sweating. For a split second, I thought about telling him; I have the worst timing possible anyway and I just needed to get it off my chest. But then again, how do you say this: “sorry to disturb you while you are working, but I think I’m falling in love with you. Now if you will excuse me I need to throw up and then make a run for it”. Writing this down now just makes me laugh, but a few hours ago it seemed like the most viable solution. I knew that if I opened my mouth to say anything at that point those would have been the exact words, so I did my best to stay silent.

 Not knowing what to do or how to deal with it, I decided to turn to a friend for some advice. I called Sarah while she was at work, made her go out of the office and told her exactly what had happened. When I said I was planning on telling him she tried to bring me back to my senses: “you do this every time. As if it’s not enough that you have the worst possible timing in everything, you just run from everything that could potentially make you happy”. After lecturing me for ten minutes about making bad choices, she decided (and I agreed with her) that the best thing to do was to enjoy this feeling, even if it’s scary as hell, calm down and not say anything until the right time comes. After we hung up, I was much calmer and realized that my solutions were neither feasible (without seem like a psycho) nor well-timed. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling; let alone saying it out loud. First, I would need to take some time to think about it and figure out what I actually feel and what I want. But even when (and if) I decide to finally tell him, there’s more to consider than just myself. With an almost 20-year age difference, two failed marriages and fifteen years more dating experience than me, I couldn’t help but wonder: will he think of me as young and naive for falling for him so soon?... or worse, what if we are not on the same page anymore? And if we are perfectly fine and I’m more than happy with where we are now, why would I want to change that? I don’t want anything to change after saying this to him, I’m perfectly happy with everything as it is.... So why can’t I get this off my mind? Why does it feel like I need to face my fear, go out there and tell him ‘I’m falling in love with you’, even if nothing will change?

 Even though every time I opened my mouth I was scared it would come out, I managed to avoid the potential humiliation of saying it out loud and finally made my way back home. When I told the whole story to Kate, she said to me “I’m not surprised, I saw it coming”.... well why the hell didn’t you say something before?! She then added “It’s only a big deal if you make it seem like a big deal. Just tell him casually, no grand gestures needed”. And she is right; I would never do it over a candle lit dinner .... I would probably say it at the worst possible timing when I’m ready, but at least I know it’s honest. And maybe I’ll give myself some time and swallow the urge to say it every time I see him; afterall he might not feel the same yet, and it’s only natural. I’d rather wait rather than make myself seem vulnerable and needy.  And even if it doesn’t turn out in the best way possible, I would know that I fell for someone that makes me want to learn, teaches me new things, gives me the best orgasms of my life and makes me think twice; and that’s probably worth my while.

Have you been in the same situation? How did you manage to tell the other person that you were in love? How did it turn out? Comment and let me know. 

  

   Dating someone new undeniably comes with getting accustomed to them, learning about their experiences, their likes and dislikes, achievements and mistakes and the list goes on and on. And this goes both ways. Maybe it’s just me, but I just wanted to put it out there: I think there is a fine line between spending time with someone and getting to know them and sharing a part of your routine with them. So naturally, when you are dating someone, and enjoy your time with them, there comes a time when you want (or at least it’s about time) to spend a night at their place (or invite them to stay at yours). 

 I have been dating Serge for the past couple of months now, and naturally spending a night together is something that came up... maybe a bit sooner than I would have liked. The first few times I thought it was reasonable to say no, it was too soon anyway. But after a while, not only is it reasonable, but it’s also a necessary step in a relationship. You get to spend more time with the other person, you get to share a bed with them and the morning after as well. But, what happens when the whole concept of spending a night at his place makes me feel, if not scared, uncomfortable, at least?

 We all have our daily and nightly routines, and most of us don’t go elegantly through them. For me, it’s usually a hot shower after a long and stressful day, and then dinner while watching trashy TV shows, in a comfortable (and definitely not sexy) pair of pyjamas. A few hours later I’ll probably have the midnight munchies, because for a weird reason my stomach seems to transform into a black hole after midnight, so I’ll open the fridge and binge eat on anything I find, preferably something sweet. And all this is the least of it. I’m used to taking over a whole double bed on my own and then falling in a comma for the few hours that I get to sleep every night – and by this point, during exam season, it doesn’t even feel like sleeping anymore; I just die a few hours each day. Anyway that’s beside the point; the point is that as if all this wasn’t enough I’m a troubled sleeper as well. I tend to roll over a lot in my sleep, breath loudly, snore when I’m tired, sometimes talk in my sleep, scream or even just throw my arms around – I actually once punched my mum. By accident! Just a quick note, all these don’t happen in combination and they definitely don’t happen every night; but they do occur, from time to time. I once called someone a whore in my sleep – in a foreign language! I do realize that all this makes me sound completely crazy and I wish I was one of those people that just sleep like a baby and don’t even move until they have to wake up – but I’m not. 

 Having said all that, you have probably figured by now that for me, to spend a night with someone, requires a certain level of comfort. And it is only natural that I’m never going to get there if I don’t try spending time with Serge and actually spending a night over at his place, but when is the right time to do that? Is there a time when you are comfortable enough with someone to share your routine with them or is this something you just get accustomed to? Yes I have spent some nights with some ex boyfriends, but the whole concept of the sleepover was never something I got used to. When unsure of what to do I usually turn to Javier to snap some sense back into me. And naturally I got the response I expected “You are just chickening out. Just go and have a nice time and stop over-thinking it. Fair enough, this is something you are uncomfortable with, but it’s about time you grow out of it and learn new things”. 

 When I couldn’t stop thinking about what Javier said, I realised it’s because he’s right. And he didn’t stop there, he made me recall all my dating failures and by reminding me that the last time I actually liked anyone was more than a year ago, I decided it’s about time to stop obsessing over the small and stupid details. So maybe I will have to put the supermassive black hole that my stomach turns into after midnight under control, and maybe I won’t get the best eight hours of sleep the first couple of times – but really how bad could it be? I’m not even a cuddler (see Cuddling Time... Maybe Not?), but maybe I’ll get over that too. 

 Because after all, if I keep finding someone I actually like every year or so, I will probably be 50 by the time I get comfortable with someone and even call it a real relationship. So before all my hair turns grey, it’s about time to take the decision to try new things. Who knows, I might be pleasantly surprised. 

 What do you think? Ever thought the same about spending a night at a guy’s place? How did you deal with it? Comment and let me know.

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  For the past few years, I, just like most girls out there, have been thinking about the labels we put on our relationships and the guys we date (see Why do we need labels?). As much as I believe that labels are not needed to make us happy, I couldn’t bypass the opportunity of writing about this new type of label I came across last night. I mentioned my friend Javier in past posts, but this time I want to dedicate a whole article on his experiences and the new type of label he came up with, about dating.  Javier was married for almost seven years, but the past few months he’s been single. It is not my purpose to talk about this break up, but about his current dating life. As a newly-single man, Javier has jumped right back into the dating game and it wasn’t long before he met Bill. I personally have never met Bill, and I’m not interested to. But what interests me and what I find intriguing is Javier’s use of the term ‘non-boyfriend’ Bill.

   Javier and Bill met through common acquaintances one night, at a dinner. To make a long story short, they went out a couple of times and then spent a few nights together after that.  When Javier talked to me about Bill for the first time, I didn’t think it was anything serious; it was just another fling. But it wasn’t long before the fling progressed. Before I knew it, Javier would call me up and say how great a movie was that he watched with Bill and what a great restaurant he had just dinner at with Bill. It didn’t take long for me to realise that Bill is probably not just a fling that would end in a few days.  And then one day, somewhere between cooking and enjoying a good bottle of red, Javier turned to me and said “Bill is taking me to Italy for a weekend in April”.  Needless to say, by the time Javier and I discussed his decision to take up Bill on his offer for a getaway weekend together, the dinner was burnt. Javier’s point of view on this is that this is nothing more than just a weekend of good company and good sex. I recall him telling me “Even though Bill wants a boyfriend, and I’m in no place to start another relationship right now, he acknowledges this. The other day he told me ‘You are no boyfriend material’, so we are on the same page”. I wasn’t sure I understood exactly what page that was, and even though we spent half the night discussing this, by the next day I wasn’t any closer to understanding what type of relationship Javier and Bill had.

  However, while out for drinks two nights ago, Javier mentioned Bill once more and that’s where I had to ask him. When I asked what the deal was between the two of them, Javier responded by saying “He’s my non-boyfriend”. I guess the dazzled look on my face gave my confusion away, because he continued by adding: “I have feelings for him and he has feelings for me too. But we are not in a relationship. He is my boyfriend when we are together, and I am his, but when we are on our own, we are single. We go out together, have dinner, watch movies, cook, and go for drinks, but they are non-dates”. By the time he explained this to me, things were a lot clearer in my mind about the situation between them; but I wasn’t any closer to understanding how this works. I went home drunk that night, but I woke up the next morning even more confused; and this new term has been on my mind ever since.

  I get why they are not in a relationship together, and why Javier is nowhere near ready to start anything serious with anyone right now. But dating someone, and labelling them something non-existent - until now - in the dating vocabulary got me thinking whether this is a way of masking he feelings that they had developed for each other, or whether this was indeed a label that worked for both of them, a label that described exactly how they felt about each other and their situation in life.  Is labelling someone ‘non-boyfriend’, and a dating situation ‘non-dating’, a new label for ‘it’s complicated’ or is this really a new form of dating? And if this is really another form of dating, how long would it be before a ‘non-boyfriend’ is not enough and the intensity of the feelings make one of them want to call each other ‘boyfriend’... if ever? 

 A few hours later I couldn’t help but wonder about my own dating life and all the times I found myself in that situation. Wasn’t it the same every time I saw Mat, or any other guy I ever had feelings for? We couldn’t be together for one reason or the other, but at the end of the day, weren’t we ‘together’, only when we were together? There were feelings involved, but that didn’t stop us from dating other people when we went our own ways ... until the next time we met up! You can stop yourself from getting in a relationship with someone, but how can you stop yourself from feeling? And how long will it take before you can’t stand the thought of your ‘non-boyfriend’, somewhere in this city, dating someone else as a single man, just because you are not around? By midnight this was driving me crazy, so I decided to call Javier and let him know that this is a dangerous game. I knew it wouldn’t stop him, but I have been there, just like many of you, even though no one called it a ‘non-boyfriend’ before. I had to tell him that, out of experience, this may not end well, and someone will end up getting hurt... and there will be nothing ‘non’ about that! So this is what I think, and what I told him: play your games all you want, date and have fun, and call it whatever you want, but just because you change the name of the game, don’t fool yourself - you can’t change the outcome. There’s nothing wrong about getting feelings for someone, but be prepared this might not turn out the way you think it will, just because you decided it’s a ‘non’ situation. So I guess I can’t change Javier’s mind, just like my friends could never change mine, but at the end of the day, label or no label, ‘non’ or not, the game is the same, you play it, sometimes you lose and sometimes you don’t, but it has nothing to do with the name!

 What do you think? Did you ever have a ‘non-boyfriend’ or did you ever come up with another label about a dating situation you have been it? Comment and let me know.