How Much Difference Does a 20-year Age Difference Really Make?
If you have been following my blog for some time now, you
would probably now that the chances of me dating a man of the same age as mine,
are next to zero; you will also probably know that the man I’m currently dating
and I have an almost 20 year age difference. I talked about Dating An Older Man
in a previous post, but seeing as I am probably getting a lot more attached to
this topic than I initially thought I would have, I wanted to write this post
and share it with you.
I recently wrote a
post about how it felt falling for Serge, but up until that point I hadn’t
admitted it to him. That was until about two weeks ago. There comes a point
when you realize that you are in love with someone... there are also those
moments that you wonder whether you should tell them or not. And then there are
the moments that you never expect to tell them... but somehow it just comes.
Naturally, for me it had to be the latter. About two weeks ago, I invited Serge
over for a home-cooked meal and a movie, and just when I thought the whole
evening had gone by perfectly and he was
getting ready to leave, I started getting an unsettling feeling. I knew I
wanted to tell him for a while, but I never thought that would be the night
that I would actually do it. I could feel my hands sweating once again and my
breathing getting faster. I thought that if I could just calm myself down I
wouldn’t have to tell him anything, and I could put it off for another day. But
because in those moments the words usually escape my mouth long before my brain
has the time to process the thought, I stood in front of him, and blurted: “I
want to tell you... I’m in love with you”. I seem to faintly recall him asking
whether I was feeling ok before I said anything; undoubtedly he could see me
having a panic attack, as much as I tried to hide it. His response was probably
the precise reason why so many of us are scared of uttering those words out
loud: He said “that’s lovely”, gave me a tight hug and a kiss. I’m not sure how
much I recall from my haze, but I think I was so shocked I actually muttered ‘lovely?’
under my breath. I also must have not been very good at hiding my edginess and astonishment,
because he remarked that I looked a bit panicky. I tried to collect myself as
much as possible for the next minute, said thank you for coming over and kissed
him goodnight. When I closed the door I paced around the house for the next 30
minutes replaying what I could remember from the whole scene to myself
and scolding myself for saying it. To make a long story short, after discussing
it with a few friends and thinking it through rationally, I realized why what I
did was a big mistake and how naive I was. Unfortunately, these are things that
I should have thought about before and not after saying it!!
As much as I’m glad
that he didn’t dump me on the spot as soon as I said it, I can’t help but
wonder what will happen next. Coming to think about it, unless something goes
extremely wrong in this relationship, I’m probably not going to break up with
him anytime soon, simply because I am not looking for anything more. So
naturally, the only way this will end is by him waking up one day and realizing
that it’s about time to look for what most men want at this age: a woman to
settle down with and start a family. As much as I am not that woman, and I
would never want to be for at least the next 10 years of my life, I can’t deny
the fact that this thought scares the hell out of me. And as much as I wish
that this was all in my head, I know it’s not; even he admitted it earlier on
in our relationship: I’m just a distraction from the reality that he should be
looking for someone to settle down. By now I have accepted the fact that one day
he will want to look for something more with someone that can actually give him
what he is looking for – but how soon is that day going to be? And I could
probably talk to him about everything, but the one question that I need to ask,
is precisely that one that I could never bring myself to say: Will you stay
with me long enough to make up for the fact that I’m going to get my heart
broken once you have had enough of the ‘distraction’? But even if I had the
chance to get an answer to this, I am not sure that it’s not too late. Maybe I
already got too emotionally invested, no matter what the answer might have
been.
So maybe at the end
of the day it doesn’t really matter when this will end, but maybe I shouldn’t
have revealed all my cards. If I had thought this through, I wouldn’t have said ‘I’m
in love with you’ and I would save me some of my dignity and this overwhelming
feeling of vulnerability. But I guess, this way I’ll know better next time. And
as for when this ends, I guess it doesn’t really matter now. If I keep worrying
about this, I’ll forget to enjoy this relationship for what it is, even if it
has an expiration date... and even if it’s not in a long time from now.
What’s your opinion
on this? Did you ever say ‘I’m in love with you’ before thinking it through?
And where did it get you? Comment and let me know!
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