The Dating DiaryOf a City Girl

Break-ups are traumatic. They take everything you have, they take a piece of your heart and you are left back to square one. They leave you empty, broken-hearted and alone. But this is not a post to remind anyone how a break-up or a broken heart feels (that was the purpose of the last one, see TheHeartbreak). This article is to remind everyone that there is a way to move on. And hopefully through my experience some of you, feeling lost right now, may actually find their way around and start standing on their feet again.

It took me about two weeks after my break-up to hit rock bottom. I felt sorry for myself, cried myself to sleep for nights on-end, felt lost and alone and I was convinced that there was no way out of it. I knew that after everything that happened, I had hit rock bottom. And when that happens, there is nowhere to go but up. So I woke up one morning and made a decision: I could either stay in that state and feel sorry for myself, lock myself in that mindset and be miserable, or I could make a conscious decision to be happy. It was around that time that I realized how much happiness is actually a conscious decision. Tough times are going to come, for everyone. But you can either put your pieces slowly back together and try to move on or you can just stay there. It was only then that I realized how you can change your put of view on things, just by wanting to.

Pampering Yourself

So I decided to take it day by day. I woke up every morning and started being positive. I made a conscious effort to smile more. I made a conscious effort to talk to the people around me more and try and stop alienating myself from everyone and everything. And then I started treating myself right, slowly but surely. I joined the gym again and took out all my frustration and anger every afternoon there. And it worked miracles! I started eating more healthily and tried to drink and smoke less. And then I started throwing money at myself. I went shopping and bought new clothes, I moved houses and booked the most expensive facial at the best beauty salon. I was essentially pampering a damaged ego and the more money I threw at it, the more validating it felt. And it worked! Needless to say I was left penniless last month, but it worked.

Loving yourself

And whilst taking care of the outside was enjoyable, I knew I needed to take care of the inside as well. That’s when I made effort to come to peace with myself. I gradually realized that I spent a good amount of time loving and caring for someone that didn’t do the same in return. So it was about to time I loved me and cared for me. I didn’t regret anything, but realized that I can’t blame myself for everything. Instead, I felt proud of myself. I knew I was honest and did the best I could in a relationship that just didn’t work out. And I had to stop blaming myself for the fact that it didn’t work out. And then I let of all the resentment and anger towards my ex go. Holding onto harsh feelings would have hurt no one but me. I stopped wishing him a life on unhappiness and misery. I have better things to occupy my mind with – like how to succeed in everything I want. I started yoga again and it helped me calm down and be more positive. And day by day it got easier and easier. And I have to put less and less effort these days.

Rebounding

Naturally, I also had the cliché reaction to a break-up: I rebounded. I briefly dated a guy I met online for a while. We had a nice time, but I’m in no state to take anything seriously or invest in anyone but myself. But hot revenge sex always works… at least for a little while.

And with a couple weeks’ progress and boosted ego I pushed my boundaries and decided to invite my ex out for drinks. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea I ever had, but it made me realize that I owned my break-up and showed me that I did everything right. It might have set me a couple of steps back and poured salt on some fresh wounds, but it was worth it.

Don’t get me wrong, none of this works like a magic wand. It takes effort and there will be a lot of going back and forth in your head. Give it time and effort though, and it will work slowly but gradually. It doesn’t heal you forever. It is my personal belief that a break-up wound always remains open, but with time and effort you numb it and learn to live with what’s left of you. Six weeks later, it still takes effort, but not as much anymore. In a way it comes naturally. As soon as I realized that my happiness was my decision, I knew I had to take it. And now I’m in a new flat, following a new diet (most days) and having a new mind set (almost every day). I will still cry myself to sleep some nights and feel my bed empty, but they are fewer and fewer. And it is only natural. I started embracing it now. It is only natural to grieve after a break-up. But there is nothing to hold you back from moving on besides yourself!

Have you been through a traumatic break-up? How did you move on?

I usually aim at writing every post with something new that I learnt after every dating experience. However, I want to make this article slightly different – this one is for everyone out there that had their hearts broken recently and can’t shake the one thought that torments them every waking moment: “I feel so alone… I’m going through this alone”. You are not – so many of us are going or have gone through it, and know exactly how it feels. And hopefully this post will make some difference – it won’t saw the pieces of your heart back together and it won’t bring him back – but maybe, just maybe, you’ll realise that you are not going through this alone. So maybe for tonight, it might ease the pain a bit.

Serge decided to break-up with me on a Friday afternoon. I went to his place after work, to spend the weekend at his place, like every weekend. He had been thinking about it all week, so the minute I got in, he made some small talk with me and then said in a serious tone “We need to talk”. I knew right there and then what was coming. My break up with Serge was a sudden but expected one – we are two people at two very different stages of our lives (see How much difference doesa 20 year age difference really make?). Needless to say that the rest 3 days are a blur in my head due to the massive influx of emotions that overwhelmed me – and due to the immense quantity of alcohol I consumed. If it was coming out of a cheesy chick flick, at that moment I would say that I literally heard my heart cracking. But it’s not true. I once read that a heartbreak wasn’t after a cheesy break-up story – but after a biological phenomenon. Your body mimics the symptoms of a heart attack – hence the name. So all I remember is a loud ringing in my ears, shortness of breath and a feeling of not being able to move. I wish I could say that I cried and shouted and did everything that you would think would happen in a movie break up. But I didn’t. I was too much in shock to even process the thought. So before it all hit me (I knew it would, eventually), I decided to pick up my things and head out. I vaguely recall him telling me that I had my things in his bedroom and me replying that I was in no state to pick up anything. So I left.

That night I naturally decided to get drunk. What I remember is a haze of tears, anger, feeling of betrayal, and denial. I spent hours staring at a blank wall, lost in my thoughts, or crying with every little detail. I’m not sure how much I cried or for what, but I remember feeling that I would never be able to get over that. My emotions were bigger than me – they were bigger than my will to fight for anything and they were bigger than my inner strength. I felt like I lost the ground beneath my feet. The most intense feeling that I remember feeling is that of not belonging anywhere – not belonging in my best friend’s arms, who was desperately trying to console me, not belonging with anyone around me besides him, not belonging in my friend’s bed who kindly shared with me and held me until I felt asleep. It was a constant feeling of not being supposed to be anywhere but with him.

The first couple of nights I woke up in the middle of the night at least 5 times looking for him, realizing that he’s not there and breaking into tears until I was so exhausted that I had to go back to sleep. I hated waking up – and I know that’s the hardest part for everyone – because it felt like a slap all over again. It all came rushing back to me and once again I felt overwhelmed – it was the realisation that it wasn’t a dream, it was all real! It was easy and peaceful being blissfully asleep, but then I woke up and had to deal with it all over again, like it was the first time. You somehow drag yourself during the days and settle in your feeling of misery, but you absolutely dread the minute you are going to sleep, because you hate waking up and feeling everything all over again.

I’m not going to lie and say I was the bigger person and didn’t call him – I did. I called and cried and screamed and asked him to reconsider. I insulted him when he didn’t and we spoke for hours that got us nowhere. Looking back would I have called him again? Probably - I needed to get off my chest all the things that I couldn’t when he broke up with me. I used to cry with every little thing that reminded me of him – and it was everything! The breakfast we shared on Saturday mornings, the TV shows that we both enjoyed watching, the lazy Sundays that we spent, and so on. So it’s like your heart breaks over and over again just by getting through the day. You expect to see them somewhere, you expect your phone to ring – you run to it every time it rings and get pissed off that it’s not him. The first few days following a break-up, every breath you take makes your whole body ache… but you are not alone, and you are not the only one going through it.

The person that actually helped in easing the intense feeling of loneliness is Eva, a colleague of mine, who had been through this before and knew exactly how it felt even before I said anything. A couple of weeks later, at a house party, I happened to meet an 18-year old boy who was going through his first break-up. I knew how it felt and I knew what would help – so I opened up to him. I hated making myself say everything all over again, I hated making myself feel it all over again. But I knew what would help, and if it was going to help him even for one hour, I was more than willing. So I talked to him, and told him everything he was feeling before he even said it himself. And to my surprise he teared up and hugged me, and I knew that it was all worth it.

So you are not alone. I know how it feels – and it’s not exactly the same for everyone, but it’s along the same lines. This article is not meant to show how I started getting over it and what helped – I will do this in the next one – this one is to let every broken hearted person out there know that they are not alone. And this helps. At least a little, tiny bit.

One of the most common questions, if not the most common one, that every woman wonders, in every relationship, is “is he cheating on me?”, or “is he thinking of cheating on me?” or even “will he cheat on me at some point”? And no matter how you phrase it, the ultimate question, behind every woman’s suspicion, is the same: “Is there something that he wants or needs that he’s not getting from me? Am I good enough?”. Of course it’s obvious that behind such questions, there is always self-doubt… and as much as we hate to admit it, all of us (or definitely the good majority of women) wonder this every now and then in our relationships.

One of the things that I liked from the very beginning with my relationship with Serge, was the honesty. It’s probably the first relationship that buried those questions so far at the back of my mind, that I had almost forgotten their existence. He never gave me any reason to doubt him and he made it crystal clear from the very beginning how much he detested cheating. And so my mind was put to rest… Until one day I had reason to doubt everything. While spending one lazy afternoon in Serge’s bed reading a book, while he was downstairs watching a movie, I heard a notification on his phone. I hadn’t noticed until then, that his phone was charging right next to me, with him nowhere to be seen. It didn’t even cross my mind to go through his phone or even see who texted him, but the minute I turned my head towards the pages of my book again, I realized that it wasn’t a text message. It was a Tinder notification. And suddenly I was furious. I’m not one to pry, I wouldn’t dare open the message; but that didn’t stop me from heading downstairs and snapping at him. He didn’t even sweat it, he laughed and merely said with great ease “Tinder is still on my phone? I completely forgot I had it!” And just like that, he locked his phone and put it on the table next to him. He did it so skilfully that I thought to myself ”how silly of me to think that he would pick up girls from tinder to cheat on me”.

And I remained in that mind-set for two weeks after his first Tinder message. Until one night, I came back late from work, exhausted, but after dinner, there it was again; the message notification, three of them, one right after the other… all three from tinder, from a sender named “KT”. And that was it; I lost it. I was infuriated and started shouting at him, asking questions, firmly believing that he was lying to me. For one thing, I was definitely angry at him for exchanging messages with random girls from Tinder, and not even admitting to it. Three messages in a row from a girl on Tinder, wasn’t a conversation starter, it was definitely a response. But on a whole different level, I was angry at myself, and taking it out on him. I was angry at myself for letting him fool me the first time, and for believing his excuses. I was angry at how naïve I was. I recall me shouting at him “stop lying to me!” and him saying “I’m not!” I told him to delete it; he said he would, but he wouldn’t do it right there in front of me. I said, “if you are not replying to them, then show me. Open the message in front of me”, but he wouldn’t. As if I needed that confirmation to know that he was lying. So when we went to bed that night, I waited for him to get in the shower so that I could go snooping for his phone. I need to stop and clarify here, that I’m not that kind of girl – I respect someone’s privacy and it’s none of my business messing around their phone. But my anger and curiosity took over the best of me that night. He was so good with words, that he almost made me think I’m crazy, even after seeing all those notifications. So I wasn’t going to have it – I’m not a psychotic bitch, I don’t get possessive or jealous, especially without reason. So I needed to prove that to myself. And while all these thoughts were taking over my mind, I suddenly found myself with his phone unlocked (I’ve known the password for months and still didn’t attempt to snoop before that!) and looking at the tinder application on the homepage. I opened it without even giving it another second of thought, and there I was, all of my suspicions confirmed, proving to myself that I’m not crazy: A few minutes before I got home, he had messaged a girl on Tinder: “How is your evening going? Do you have anything planned? Xx”. And that message was following a long conversation with her, which started days ago – which unfortunately I didn’t have time to read. And there I was with the confirmation in my hands, and waiting for my mind to be put at ease; I wasn’t crazy afterall. But instead, for the first time in my relationship with Serge, I felt cold sweat dripping down my back and a surge of jealousy that was overwhelming.

I didn’t know how to bring up the conversation again – I couldn’t tell him I snooped around in my phone and I couldn’t tell him one more time “I just know that you are talking with girls, don’t lie to me!” – he would just say I’m crazy. But then again, I couldn’t not talk to him about it. By the time he got out of the shower, I was pacing restlessly around the bedroom, trying to calm myself. Naturally he noticed it, so he asked me “what’s wrong?”, to which I just blurted out “Why are you talking to girls on Tinder? Stop lying to me, I know that you are, just tell me why!” Once again, this led to him denying everything. But there was one thing that he said, which I had to admit he was right: “Look at this place! Your stuff is everywhere, your clothes, make up, accessories; you think I would bring another girl in here with all your stuff around my house?” When this conversation led to yet another fight, and us sleeping in two different rooms, I couldn’t put it off my mind. I kept asking myself why he was chatting to other girls, I kept wondering whether there was something that he wanted, I started doubting myself. I somehow knew that right now he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, and he wasn’t dating anyone else, not yet at least, but I couldn’t help but wonder: Is he looking for someone new, to start dating and get rid of me as soon as he finds her? Or is chatting to girls on Tinder, merely for an ego boost, something to pass his time and make him feel better about himself? And ultimately, why am I not good enough that he has to go look for other girls? In either case, it all came down to me questioning what I’m doing wrong. With a twenty year age gap, I somehow highly doubted that he was just looking for sex with someone else; but maybe, just maybe, he was looking for someone that he would actually have a future with, in contrast to me. And that scared me, probably more than the fact that he might just be looking for sex. Somehow thinking about it rationally, I knew it was just an ego boost, a way to pass his time when he had nothing better to do and feel better about himself. And that was confirmed, when two days after that, even though the topic wasn’t brought up again, Tinder was gone from his phone.

I was going to end this post by just drawing the conclusion myself, but this time, I have a definite answer, and it proves me right. A few hours ago, over an early Sunday dinner and a light conversation about dating, I brought up the topic again and half jokingly I said “All men look for an ego boost every now and then. Girls do it too. But I know that’s why you were talking to girls on Tinder”. And this time, for the first time, he didn’t deny it: “Correct, but that’s very rarely, and it’s just a chat. And that’s when I’m with a friend and we just do it as a joke”. I knew there was still a bit of lie in what he said, but he had admitted to it, and I didn’t want to push the topic anymore. I was suddenly more at ease with the idea, and although I don’t particularly like it, I just laughed and told him: “Look, I don’t get why you need an ego boost. You are 42 and you get to fuck a 23 year old, that should be enough of an ego boost”. It made him laugh in agreement; but I didn’t need his approval on that one – I was sure that was true from the very beginning. So I was finally at ease, and even though I don’t like the idea of him looking for an ego boost through pointless conversations with random Tinder girls, I know that at this point, he's content – and that’s enough for now.

What do you think? Did you ever go through the same experience? How did you deal with your boyfriend chatting to girls on dating websites/applications?

If your job takes up most of your time and you find it impossible to look for the perfect date on a regular basis, then you are not alone; half of London is in your shoes! Fortunately, there are ways to fit 20 dates in about an hour and a half (given that you can make time for that at least). With the speed and flexibility, lack of awkwardness and convenience that speed dating provides nowadays, it should come as no surprise that I decided to give it another go. This time I chose a different experience with DateinaDash.com. When it comes to speed dating, the relief that comes before the dates is priceless: no long conversations with people you might not like, no awkward silences, no pressure on whether your date will like your outfit – there are more than twenty dates here, someone is bound to love it! Even with the avoidance of the nerve-wrecking anxiousness that comes with first dates, DateinaDash.com has a lot more to offer during their speed dating events.

I attended their speed dating event last Friday, at Mahiki in Mayfair. At this point I need to stop and admire the choice of venue! With a wonderful interior, friendly staff and drinks to die for, Mahiki was, in my opinion, the best choice of venue for the event. Upon arrival we were all greeted by the friendliest host, who made sure everyone knew their way around and had a name tag. He was there all along to ensure the event run smoothly and made the last traces of nervousness vanish by a couple of witty jokes. Arrival of participants was at 7.30, which gave us all half an hour before the speed dating started, to mingle and briefly meet all the singletons of the evening. Possibly the most pleasantly striking feature of such events is the wide variety of people you get to meet, of different ages and backgrounds, which makes the conversations ever more interesting. Plus, the great number of people that were at the event (44), meant that you didn’t have to spend a second with anyone you didn’t want to talk to, and it still gave you a pool of people to interact with.

Before the dating started, everyone was given a card to write down the names of their dates and tick whether they liked them. There was a selection of three boxes to tick: ‘Yes’, ‘No’ and ‘Friend’; giving you a choice of whether you wanted to see that person again and under what conditions! The card also gave a few dating ‘Dos’ and ‘Don’ts’, just in case someone was nervous about what was acceptable to do during dating, as well as a few ice breaker questions, which gave a good push to any conversation that reached a standstill. Once all the ladies were seated, the bachelors started rotating clockwise between the women, spending three minutes at each table. This gave everyone just enough time to get to meet the other person, get a glimpse of their character and decide whether they wanted to meet them again or not! It also didn’t give enough time to interact for a long time with anyone you didn’t want to and the three minutes definitely prevented any potential awkward silences. Of course with some dates, three minutes can seem like an hour and with other it can seem like a second, but either way all is part of a worthwhile experience. A ten minute break was given to all daters halfway through the speed dating, which allowed everyone to get some drinks and mingle some more. This was a good chance to carry on any conversations that were interrupted when time run out during the speed dating. By this time, everyone was more comfortable, all the anxiety had vanished and people were mingling mindlessly making new friends, and potentially new dates!

After the event had finished, the matches were made without the singletons lifting a finger. The welcoming host collected all the cards and within twelve hours made all the matches and sent an email to all the participants. In the email you get all your matches from the event, both as dates and as friends. And if you happen to log in your account on DateinaDash.com you can even send them a direct message and start the conversation going… where you left off! Tempted yet? On top of all these, DateinaDash.com offers these events at the great price of 20 pounds, and a wide variety of events to choose from! But make sure to book your event ASAP, because tickets are running out fast!

For more information on the events and prices visit: www.dateinadash.com

*This is a sponsored post. Many thanks to DateinaDash.com for the invitation. All the opinions are my own.

In a relationship, there comes an unavoidable time when you feel the need to compare your current situation with a past one: Does he behave like my ex? What is different in this relationship from my last one? Am I happier? And to be honest, unless you were a complete wreck while dating your ex or had some awful experience during that time, the answer is not black or white. Because there is no such thing as a flawless relationship or a couple with no problems, it makes one wonder whether a current relationship is better than the last one... or simply an exchange of boyfriends with no meaningful difference.

After a few months in my current relationship, it was unavoidable for me not to compare it with the one I with Mat. Looking back at the relationship I had with Mat, with all the ups and downs, I come to realize that, at times, he probably brought out the worst in me. When you are in love, especially when things don't go well, there comes a point where you don't even recognize yourself. There were times where if I could float out of my body and looked down on how I behaved with Mat, I would slap me in the face and probably shouted at me: "Wake up this is not you!". But this never happened, and I got lost in all the emotional turbulence I had to go through with Mat. There were huge fights, the type of fights that wake up the whole neighbourhood at 4am. And then there was great sex... the type of sex that pretty much wakes the whole neighbourhood at 4am again. If I didn't know better, I would have said that when Charles Dickens wrote: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times", he wrote it for us. When things were good, they were great. I would get lost in the moment and forget about everything else. It was like Mat used to have a way to swipe me off my feet and make me forget all my problems. It would be endless conversations until dawn, and he would make me laugh like no one had ever done before. It was probably the only guy that made me comfortable enough to be a hundred percent myself. Pretty cheesy right? It would sound like that to me as well if someone else said it... but it's true.

But when things were bad with Mat, it was a disaster. I would lock myself in a room and stay there for days after a fight, or cry for a week. I would completely disregard everything that went on in my life at the moment and get lost in my thoughts everytime someone asked me to go out. I would call him, text him or leave angry voice mails. Then I would run to him first chance I got. Pretty sad right? But at least it's honest. And then there were the things with Mat that never changed throughout the ups and downs: it was a game all along. Who would call and when. The endless questions of: "Should I text or wait?", "Should I wait for a while to reply?", "He said he would call me but never did", "Should i leave a toothbrush at his place or am I invading his privacy?", "Am I too needy? What does he think? Why does he never tell me?". I would catch myself doing little things to get him to want me more, to think of me more, like spraying my perfume on his pillow when he's not looking... And it worked; he would wake up the next day and send me a text about how my scent was on his bedsheets long after I was gone. But it was exhausting... it was a constant battle between wanting to keep him as close to me as possible and wanting to let go so that I could find myself again. Finally there came a point where I realized that I couldn't afford anymore to struggle over whether he loved me enough or not, whether he was thinking of me or not, whether he was bored or not... If he was worth my while he would have been there, I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to keep him close to me.

Then there's Serge. Things with him never were and never will be anything close to whatever I had with Mat. There are no crazy ups and downs... and things are never great nor horrible. Things are mostly good. There definitely are some downturns, but it's mostly small fights that get forgotten after a while... no angry messages, no shouting, no crying. It's probably the first time that I've had something so stable, in a very long time. But that's the least of it. Given a twenty years age difference and the two different stages of our lives right now, getting into a relationship with him seemed a lot like signing a contract. I didn't care much at the beginning, but the more I think about it now, the more it seems like it - a temporary thing, with an expiration date and a no-attachment tags that comes with it (at least according to him). With Mat, there was no such agreement, there was no expiration date and it was just living the moment, without thinking about the future. We both knew we didn't have one, just like I do now with Serge, but with Mat there was no acknowledgement of it. As much as it bothers me at times, I have to acknowledge that things are much simpler most of the time. But even when that gets overwhelming, there is one thing that I am relieved about: all the dating rules and games have gone out the window and I stopped walking on eggshells just to get a guy to like me back. I don't wonder if he will call me back or when I should text - I call whenever I feel like calling and so does he. He'll always pick up, and he'll always call whenever he says he will. If there's something that's been keeping me with Serge this whole time, it's how honest this whole thing is. The minute I started wondering whether leaving a toothbrush or a cleanser at his place would freak him out, I realised there was nothing to worry about. The first few times I pretended that I forgot a couple of things and said I would pick them up next time, until I realized that it made no difference to him. Until finally, I stopped leaving things at his place just because I wanted to make him think of me more often or make him want me - now it's just out of convenience. I don't need to carry all of essentials around London anymore.

So there definitely are pros and cons in every relationship, but when it came to Mat and Serge, I couldn't help but wonder: was I better off in a relationship where I was madly in love, with all the ups and downs and insecurities that came with it or is it preferable to be with someone and know exactly what's going on with no games or rules? And ultimately, when it comes to relationships is all the emotional draining that comes with being madly in love with someone worth the effort or is honesty a much better place? I now realize that after having been through all the emotional turmoils with Mat, I am in no position to do that all over again, nor do I want to. It definitely is worth going through such a relationship if you never been through it, I would never change any of it given the chance. But right now, for me, an honest place is much better. It's easy going and everything is clear. And maybe falling for Serge is nowhere near to what it was with Mat, but I wouldn't change that either. I guess the answer to the questions would be: "it depends on what stage of your life you are at right now". And when it comes to me, I know that I am in the type of relationship that I need and want to be at this stage of my life.

What do you think? Did you ever have any similar experiences? Did you manage to combine the two? Or is there always a choice? Comment and let me know.

In a relationship, there comes a point, when a woman will probably start wondering if everything is normal. And it comes as no surprise, that most of us, take as points of comparison other couples. Usually, if you sit and have a conversation with your girlfriends and realize that their relationship works differently from yours, there will come a point when the unavoidable question will pop on your mind as well: “is my relationship normal if we do things differently?” And it also comes as no surprise that most of us ask that question every now and then, because for some weird, unexplained reason we think that relationships should follow a specific recipe, a one-size-fits-all formula.

As an unspoken girl rule, when two girlfriends meet up for a catch-up it is unavoidable to escape the boy-talk. So when I met Vivi for a drink a few weeks ago, whom I haven’t had a chance to catch up with for a few months, I was pleasantly surprised to hear how well her dating life was going. She had a met a guy whom she actually likes – something that happens next to never – and was dating him for a few good months. She told me how things are going perfectly well for the two of them and how surprised she was to meet someone that was on the same page as her. I recall her telling me: “We are both very busy people. We make time for each other but we give each other their own space. I see him every weekend, and we don’t talk in between. We have other things to do and we just catch up once a week when we meet up”. I remember being very surprised: “I get how busy you are, but how can you not talk at all during the week?” I recall her dismissing the question by just saying that it works for both of them and she’s happy – “after all, I like him but we are just dating”. When I got home that night, I couldn’t take her words off my mind. I was happy for her that she found something that works for her, but talking to someone you are dating for a few months just once a week seemed quite weird to me. With the fast-paced London life and crazily demanding jobs, I don’t think that anyone of us can say we are not busy. But how can you be so busy that you can’t find 10 minutes in a day to talk to the guy you are seeing? And if the real reason is not the busy schedule then what is?

I kept comparing her relationship to mine and thinking which one of the two of us has got it all wrong. I am not the type to text and call every hour, and we definitely don’t talk to each other all day long. But there’s going to be at least one phone call before we go to bed at night, just to catch up with each other. I usually don’t look for more contact throughout the day simply because that’s enough. But if I don’t get to talk to Serge at least once per day, I’ll usually be quite upset or worried the day afterwards. It was like her dating life made me question mine: am I too needy for wanting to call Serge at least once a day or did she put way too much distance between herself and the guy she’s dating? When I couldn’t understand how Vivi could make it work by only talking to him once a week, I dismissed the thought and decided that if it works for her, that’ great. Maybe each couple does write their own rules and no one else needs to understand them.

A few days ago, after I got home at night after a long day and warmed up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie, I got a panicky phone call from Vivi. To make a long conversation short, apparently falling for someone can write off all the rules that you had created. She came to a point where she realized she had actually fallen for the guy and seeing him or talking to him just once a week was no longer enough. “I do have a lot of things to do every day, and I’m still quite happy with him… but I think I do want more contact with him. I realise that I miss him more and more every day”. As much as I wanted to help her, I wasn’t the person to talk to about this topic. I told her that the best she could do was try to talk to him a bit more, maybe text him every other day and see how it goes. Afterall, maybe this was something he wanted as well. Turns out a couple of days later she talked to him and they called their relationship exclusive and now she’s never been happier.

But even after everything finished, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How did she come to change her mind after just a few weeks, when everything seemed to be working so perfectly for her? How can she suddenly not be happy with something that days earlier she found ideal? And ultimately, when it comes to relationships, does each couple make their own rules or is there really a one-size-fits-all formula that apply to all relationships? It is often said that falling for someone is a constant feeling of wanting more… more contact, more time with them, more reciprocation to your feelings. So if that is true, Vivi’s reaction shouldn’t come as a surprise to me. I could never see her as being needy or chasing a guy around constantly, but there’s nothing surprising about falling for someone and wanting to keep in touch with them on a regular basis. I guess the only reason that I was surprised by her, is simply because I know that usually she’s more rational than emotional, in contrast to me.

So maybe each couple does write their own rules… up to an extent. Maybe there’s a limit to how much distance you can put between yourself and the person you are dating. Some couples text every hour, some are constantly on the phone with each other, and some meet up every day. I know Vivi would never be like that, simply because it’s extremely out for character for her. And as for me, this is not who I am either. I do get more emotional that she does, and I probably would fall for someone more easily than she will. But I would always need my space and some 'me time'. But I’ll still need to keep in touch with the person I’m seeing, at least once a day… even if that sounds needy to people that have written their rules differently. I guess not changing who you are just to be in a relationship is exactly what allows you a margin for flexibility, but then again falling for someone is often a feeling of wanting to keep the other person close to you… at least once a day.

What do you think? Does Each Couple Write Their Own Rules? What are your rules? Comment and let me know!