This is going to be a long post, I have a lot to say on the subject and this doesn’t even cover everything!

I wanted to write this post for some time now, but I felt I wasn’t ready for it. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to tell people how to get over their break ups, given the fact that I haven’t properly gotten over mine yet and I don’t know when I will. But I know that I’m on a good way. I really hope this post helps some of you since I know that many of you are going through this and I know firsthand how much it sucks. This is a very recent story and one that still breaks my heart, but it was about time I tell you how I deal(t) with my breakup and hopefully it will be a wakeup call for some of you, as it was for me.

 You probably know my recent stories up to now, and how I came to feel heartbroken (if not see Just sex… or something more? and Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you). My break up became official around a month ago at 3.30 in the morning… through Skype! I know it sucks, but when you live an ocean away this is the only way to go. That night I cried myself to sleep until 5.30 in the morning, I woke up around 7.30 and cried myself to sleep all over again. This pattern was repeated every hour until 12 at noon when I finally woke up with swollen eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed so I switched off my cell phone and got under the covers for the next two days. I only got up for a trip to the fridge and then back again. I cried myself to sleep and drowned in my own thoughts. Two days later I decided it was about time to take some drastic action. I was about to exchange my old guy for three new ones: Jack, Ben & Jerry. Such a cliché right? But if it worked for so many others it would work for me as well! So I got up, threw a coat on top of my pyjamas and dragged my feet to the nearest supermarket. When I made it to the cashier with two cartons of Chunky Monkey and a bottle of whisky, some crisps and a few other delicacies the man behind the till looked down at my to-be purchases, looked up at my poor sense of fashion and my swollen eyes and said: “You know this won’t bring him back”…. And SNAP! What had just happened? I was speechless… there it was, pity from the man behind the till at my local store; Pity from someone who didn’t even know me. That was the last straw, I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself anymore or make anyone else feel sorry for me. I rushed back home and decided to become a human being again: I took a shower, put on some proper clothes and threw the overused pajamas in the wash, changed bed sheets (god knows how much that was needed after two days of literally living in my sheets!). Note that this by no means ceased the pain that I felt: but the world wouldn’t stop spinning for my grief and life didn’t stop there! I decided that if I need to get through this I needed to put my restlessness into something healthier. I threw myself into work straight away: I worked 16 hours a day, was ahead at every module at university and attended all my classes. I couldn’t stop working for even an hour because the minute I did I would choke on my tears. I realize that my method wasn’t that healthy but at least it was healthier than eating up two cartons of Chunky Monkey and downing a bottle of whisky while feeling sorry for myself at the same time.

 I know how break ups are: did I want to talk to him? Yes every minute of every day. Did I talk to him: embarrassingly yes I tried. Not because I thought it would change something but because it would give me some kind of closure. He was someone I used to talk to every day, about everything and about anything. It was unbelievably hard to just shut him down. But I learnt to deal with the pain that came with a heartbreak: it’s unbelievably painful, sometimes it hurts so much you can literally feel the pain physically, you feel like you are body is collapsing and you choke on air, you have to stop your mind from wandering off otherwise your tears will drop down your cheeks, it’s unbelievably hard to talk about your feelings to anyone and to expect them to understand. Sometimes you don’t even want to talk about it because if you do, it means that it really happened.  Every now and then my friends still ask: ‘Do you feel better?’ and my response is always the same: ‘No but I got used to it’. It is my personal belief that we don’t ever get over our past loves. We still love them but somehow, with the passage of time, we learn to deal with the pain and get used to it: after all, time is the best cure.

 That was my personal break up story, and of course I’m still not over it. The pain and the tears might not be that bad now but they are still there… and I know it will take a long time to get over them. I still go on with my life and I feel more and more like myself every day. I’m not ready to start dating though, even though I met a great guy, who has been amazing from the very first day I met him. I will probably write about him soon, but he’s the type of guy that Nathan was (See After how much pain do we become 'emotionally unavailable'?).

 There are numerous post-break up behaviors that many of you are going through and it can be different from mine, but still unhealthy:

Sixteen year old boys are not usually known for discussing their emotions with anyone- especially not their mother. So, I was pleasantly surprised when my son sent me a text message of a personal nature recently.  My son could be described as a late bloomer, and has just recently started dating a young lady.  They went to homecoming together, and, according to his text message to me, he kissed her there for the first time.  When I asked him how it was, his reply brought tears to my eyes: “better than ice cream”. My tears were not only for his innocent romanticism, but also because I can foresee the awful heartbreak that is inevitably coming his way.

 Heartbreak sucks.  I remember my first like it was yesterday (see Dear Thirteen Year Old Me), and it still stings a bit to remember almost thirty years later.  The sad thing is that I know there is nothing I can do to prepare him for what is coming, just as I was unprepared to have my heart broken again recently (see Psycho-Chicks and the Men that Create Them). I know that break ups are part of life, and that enduring them is the only way to grow stronger, but, the mom in me knows that I’m going to have to be restrained from killing this girl when she hurts my boy. (Disclaimer in case she dies in some mysterious manner- I’m not guilty and I’m sure I have an alibi!)

 But, break-ups don’t always have to be so awful.  Here, I list some of the not-so-heartbreaking reasons that my relationships have ended:

So, there you have it. For every heartbreaking reason that a relationship ends, there could be a more ridiculous reason than you have ever considered. And, I wonder why I’m single….

  Cynical would definitely not be at the top of my list when I talk about dating. However, after waking up one morning and finding myself amongst the ‘Top 10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs Of the Year’, I have to admit it got me thinking a lot! Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to find myself in that list; however I can’t help wondering: Are we becoming cynical without realizing it? Let’s face it; we are living in an era where romance has already died! Personally I think that if someone offers me their seat on the bus it’s romantic; on the other hand, if someone was waiting for me at home with candles and a bunch of rose petals saying ‘I Love You’ I would probably find it too cheesy, fake, pretentious, and the list goes on and on. Ok, yes that makes me cynical… but can you blame me? How often do we find the knight on the white horse, the perfect guy, our Mr. Dreamy? I’m just being realistic!

  Personally, heartbreak after heartbreak, I learnt not to expect too much from men, because more often than not, I get disappointed! Have a look through my past dating failures: Mat never broke up with his girlfriend (Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?), Nick is happily married (Can you fall in love with twopeople at the same time ? and  Do we need to change to be in a relationship), Chris ended up dating 9 girls in 3 weeks (When is it too soon to get excited?), and so on. Of course you will probably say ‘that’s because you still haven’t met the right guy’, and you are probably right… but until then, I’ll keep thinking of the person that give up their seats for me as Prince Charming!

 

  

  I don’t know if cynicism is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, I’d say it makes us more realistic, we learn to not trust people easily (and that’s a hard-learnt lesson!), to be cautious before placing our heart in the hands of someone who blurted ‘I love you’ way too soon but on the other hand, we dismiss everything way too soon, and one day we might actually do the same thing with the right person! Maybe I was too cynical when I broke up with Nathan (After how much pain do we become emotionallyunavailable? ), just because he was too nice, because he said ‘I want to make you happy’ whenever I asked what he wanted out of our relationship, but I just couldn’t help it. Maybe we are programmed to think that unless there are some obstacles in our relationship, love life or dating then it is not real. I’m starting to think that we create a certain addiction to the pain we go through when someone breaks our hearts but we still hang on to him and it is that pain that makes us cynical, realistic, and pessimistic.

      

   However, having said all that, I think there’s something incredible about someone who is optimistic about what the future holds, someone who knows that her Prince Charming is out there, even if she has to kiss a lot of frogs before finding him. There are some people like that who brighten up our life and pass on to us their positive energy… if only I was one of them. I do believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just don’t believe in fairytales anymore, and I don’t trust people easily, which is not a bad thing, in my opinion… So yes, I am cynical after all, and might I add: proud of it!

I would love to know what you think though, am I cynical? Are you cynical? And what do you think of the blog making it to the ‘10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs’ of the year? COMMENT below and tell me what you think! 

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  Love is selfish. I know it’s hard to hear, and you are probably thinking that loving someone is the least selfish thing you can do: you give them all you have, you sometimes change for them, and you compromise and want to make them happy. All this is true, but really, do you do all that for him or for you? You may change everything about you, but you still wouldn't do it for the sake of the other person, you would do it for the way you feel when you are with him. You love him because he makes you feel in a certain inexplicable, unimaginable, magical way – and that is perfectly fine. However, in a relationship, we draw our lines and expect someone to love us in a specific way and love us ‘under some certain conditions’: Don’t cheat on us, love only us, treat us in a certain way, etc etc. And this is all rational…. But what happens when you love someone the way he wants you to love him? Can you love someone so unconditionally that you give him everything he wants, any time he wants so that he can be happy, regardless of your own feelings? Can we put someone else above ourselves?

 My story with Mat is by now very well known (see Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?), and even though is towards its end, every once in a while I can’t help thinking: how different things would be if I was willing to love Mat the way he wanted me to? For those of you that don’t know yet, Mat has a girlfriend now, and I asked him to break up with her otherwise we are over. Of course he didn't break up, and Mat and I are history now. However… was I able to love Mat the way he wanted me to love him? Was I able to put him above myself? To do that, it would require to accept him being in another relationship and be with him when he wanted me to and the way he wanted me to. It would mean putting my needs and wants aside to make him happy. I would have to compromise with being the other woman, not complain and still be there for him for when he wanted me to. It sounds harsh on me, but loving someone so unselfishly means that you would be happy just because he would be! Happiness wouldn't be something that you would acquire based on how much the other person gave you (emotionally and/or materially) but based on how much the other person was getting from you –seeing them happy would make you happy and content. It probably sounds completely irrational right now, but pause for a minute and think about it. How many times did you feel bad because your loved one was sad or upset? How many times did that bring you down and upset you? And during those times, you would probably give up whatever you were doing (Even if you were out with friends ) and go to him to make him feel better? That is giving him love without expecting something in return, just because you love them. The kind of unconditional love I’m talking about takes this to a whole different extent. The irrationality of this love puts the other person above and beyond you throughout the relationship.

  Just to make this clear, I was never able to do this throughout a relationship, but for a short while I put Mat above me and my needs and wants. I accepted him being in another relationship and was there the way he wanted me to be there. Mat was going through a rough patch this past few months, regarding a lot of things in his life and the last thing I wanted was to upset him even more with the fact that I wanted him to break up with his girlfriend. So I decided that for those few months I would put him above me and be there for him without making his life even more difficult. I was the first person he would turn to when he needed to talk to someone about something. There were times when he was upset or angry about something and took it out on me, but I knew it would blow away so I was patient. He would come back and apologize immediately of course, but somehow the fact that I could make him feel better, just by being there; talking to him, holding him (even though he didn't belong to me) was enough for the moment. I was content with making him happy and when those feelings of anger and sadness (because I didn't have him for myself) sneaked in, I would hide them well and he would rarely see how upset I was. Now you are thinking: what kind of a relationship was it if you weren't happy but you pretended to be? And you are absolutely right. But a person that is willing to do this throughout a relationship is someone that, in my opinion, deserves to be respected and admired. They managed to put someone else’s happiness above their own; they were happy simply because their other half was. How many of us can say as much?

  Even though I love Mat with all of my heart, I know I will never be able to love someone the way they want me to love them. My love will always have a selfish side… the side where I want them to love me in a certain way and not give up everything for them. But even though I know myself well and the fact that I will never be able to love someone in such a way, I can’t help wondering once in a while: Would I have kept Mat with me if I loved him in such a way?... And if not forever, would I even be able to postpone, or even avoid, the heartache I’m feeling now that everything is over? Could I love him unconditionally? Because if unconditional love does exist, in my opinion, is something very similar to the love I described above.

I would be very interested to read your opinions on this, in the comment section below. Let me know what unconditional love is for you or if you ever experienced something similar to what I have described. CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and never miss an update!!