The Dating DiaryOf a City Girl

I was never one to date online. I never liked the idea of it. But after moving to London and realizing that online dating has become even more common than picking up guys at bars I realized that I needed to reconsider. If some of you have doubts about online dating, then I know what you are thinking: what if he’s not the guy on the photos from his profile? What if he’s dangerous? What if he gets disappointed when he sees me? And the list goes on and on. But, living in world where our lunch gets instangrammed and our broken heart gets promoted through sad quotes on everyone’s facebook newsfeed… why not date online as well? So after I met a happily married couple from an online dating website I thought I should give it a shot (Even if it doesn’t work out I would still do it in the name of research!). I decided I would meet someone, chat them online and then meet up with them just to see how awkward online dating would be!

It didn’t take long for me to get accustomed to the website (I won’t give a name, this is no promotion of any particular website) and from there on I started chatting guys up or they would start chatting me up. Truth is, I am picky and I see lots of mistakes while online dating, which I will soon make a post out of. So for me to start talking to guys it meant that I really liked what I saw and read and that they didn’t seem weird (which is extremely common when online dating!). I met Jacob about three weeks into online dating and it didn’t take long for us to start talking on a daily basis. After a week or so of online chatting we decided to exchange numbers and the conversation went on there, and I must say it was quite pleasant. I usually lose interest in guys an hour after I start talking to them (I know it’s really bad!). It wasn’t long until we decided to meet up. I said ok when he suggested a day but as the day got closer I got anxious and scared… what if he’s someone else? What if I’m in danger? What if he doesn’t like me and he turns around and walks away?... I was about to cancel on him because I was too scared but then I realized that it’s stupid and I might as well get it over with.

However, you I need to emphasize that STRANGER DANGER IS REAL and you need to take precautions for that: meet at a public place and trust your instinct when it comes to these things. If your gut tells you that you are not safe with this person then go with it! Leave immediately! Besides that, the rest of the fears are usually a lot more superficial.

So we met up in a public place for a drink. At first it was a bit awkward and we shook hands and I felt like I was on a job interview… but then again every first date is like a job interview. We stayed for a couple of hours, trying to learn more about each other, but it was nothing remarkable. I would have forgotten the whole day if there wasn’t one little thing that freaked me out in a way. The guy lied about his ethnicity. When I asked where he was from he said he was English. I knew he didn't look English, but I didn’t question it. When we met up and started talking about families he mentioned where his family was from (I don’t want to mention it here, for privacy reasons) and he just said that he lived a long time in England. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with wherever he was from, but why lie about it? I wouldn’t care if he told me, but when I realized he lied about it, it put me off immediately. He walked me to the station when it was time to say goodbye and then it was the awkward moment… to kiss or not to kiss? I wasn’t sure if I liked him or not, but I thought ‘what’s one kiss?’ I didn’t know what he was thinking so I just leaned slightly forward and waited to see his reaction. He leaned in and kissed me goodnight, we said we would meet again soon and then we never spoke again.

Now I realize that this is not a great story and there’s nothing remarkable about it, but that was just the first time I met up with someone through online dating, and I realized there’s nothing to fuss about. Later when more guys started chatting me up, I talked to someone that had gone on a lot of online dates and he said ‘it is just like meeting someone in a bar, it’s no big deal’… and I had to admit he was right! You wouldn’t blindly trust someone just because you met them once in a bar, and it’s the same with online dating. After all, if you meet up and you decide you don’t like them then find an excuse and run for your life (well not run for your life, but you get the idea!).

Even though my story has nothing remarkable, and the kiss wasn’t even that good. Sarah met up with probably the best kisser in the world (according to her!). One late night, she told me over the phone “I couldn’t stand listening to him one more second so I had to shut him up… turns out I chose the right way to do it!!” The guy was self-obsessed and adored himself more than words can say, but at least he knew what to do with his hands and lips! They spent together an hour and a half and they were in lip-lock for the bulk of it! They barely talked to each other after that, but when Sarah decided she wanted to be in a lip-lock with him for another hour she received a reply: “I’ve been a little messy lately and prefer to be alone for a while..”. It’s acceptable that he may not want to meet up with her, but come on man! We all go through personal issues, but if she barely knows you; you better it keep it to yourself! Just say I’m busy or come up with another lame excuse… on the other hand, despite the awkward reply, you gotta give it to the guy: he was honest! So Sarah’s first online date wasn’t exactly a dream come true either, but that’s not the point here. The point is that both she and I overcame the fear of it and tried it. If you are one of those people that want to do it but are just too scared and too hesitant, say to yourself: What do I have to lose? Honestly, absolutely nothing. As long as you are safe and responsible, then give it a go and see where it goes. I didn’t meet prince charming, but a really close friend of mine did, and they’ve been happily married for over 5 years now. And even if you don’t meet ‘The One’, you’ll meet new people, maybe have a couple of laughs or maybe sit around and count the minutes until he’s gone, but it’s all part of the process. It’s all going to be an experience and something to look back at and laugh later on. Don’t let the ‘awkwardness of online dating’ hold you back! Give it a go and see what comes out of it.

All in all, I didn’t meet up with Jacob again and I don’t online date that much anymore. Maybe I didn’t like Jacob, maybe he was nice and I’m just not ready to date again or maybe I’m not cut out for online dating… but at least now I know, I gave it a try and who knows I might go back to it sometime!

Did you have any experiences with online dating? Feel free to share them with me and tell me how it turned out!

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I recall, only a few years ago, that falling in love was never scary or intimidating. It was fun, it was easy and it was simple. Being with someone only meant hanging out with them more often than usual and the occasional make out session in secret places where no one would find us. When did it all stop being fun? When did fun turn into a slump and when did easy and simple turn into tears and heartache? One minute you can’t wait to fall in love because it’s just easy and joyous and the next you tread the moment you get attached to someone because you know the pain that follows!

Looking back at my failed relationships I only saw one heartache followed by yet another, greater one. But a few years ago, if I was to break up with someone it wasn’t a big deal. It was a ‘let’s stay friends’ and then no one kept in touch but it was just fine! A few years ago, when I met my friend Javier, I realized that love doesn’t have to be complicated and difficult. He had been through a lot in his life, but then he was happily married and in love. He had it all. He was my role model. However, when one day, about three months ago, he told me that he and his partner were ‘taking a break’ I was shaken to the core! I realized that no matter how much we love each other, it’s never going to get easier. Not even after 6 years of living with each other! Love is always going to take effort and pain to make it work. ‘I love him, I really do… But it just got so hard’, I recall him telling me one day over coffee. I know he does, but that didn’t stop me from wondering: Does the pain and heartache we feel over someone ever go away or do they just get greater the more we love that person? For me, Javier was always the person that had all the answers and could use reason better than any of us could. But ‘taking a break’ is a sign that something went very wrong. I remember when ‘break’ used to be a good thing: coffee break, spring break. Now it’s just ‘break up’, ‘break down’…

I just can’t help wondering: when did it all change? Did the pain come with age? It used to be phone conversations until 4 in the morning, now it’s just a girl crying over a phone with a half-empty bottle of ‘Jack Daniels’ wishing him to call. It used to be silly giggles and stupid jokes and now it’s bad sarcasm and tears we try so hard to hide! I still wonder why I still cry myself to sleep every night over Mat, with tears that no one will ever be allowed to see, but I was more than willing to trade any old boyfriend for anything more exciting that came my way without even second guessing it! Was my life better then? Why does it feel different now? Why does it feel like I’m choking on air every time I remember him? We didn’t even have many good memories together, but somehow I was happy to throw away boyfriends that offered me nothing but fond memories! Did I get off track somewhere? Did we all get bored with the happy endings and decided to trade in ‘Prince Charming’ for ‘Jesus of Suburbia’? Why can’t we just be happy?

And if we do accept that the laughs and jokes are meant to be replaced by heartache and tears as we get older… do we ever get used to it? Or, horror of horrors, do we even choose it? Do we become addicted to the exquisite pain that comes with wanting someone so much that your heart literally aches? Do we need the pain to reassure us that we are actually in love and fear living without the one we want? Maybe we are designed to believe that unless we feel the pain and cry ourselves to sleep night after night over the same person, then we don’t really know how to love. No one said relationships don’t take effort… but do they really have to take so much?

And last but not least, why does ‘falling out love’ mean feeling hollow? We used to fall out of love and go on with our lives as if nothing had happened. Now we fall out of love and we feel empty. No tears, no feelings, no memories… it’s all blank. Where did all the feelings go? I’m starting to feel that maybe there’s a certain amount of love, tears and pain that we allowed to feel or shed for each person and once we cross that limit then maybe it all just goes blank. Maybe after having felt a tremendous amount of pain that comes from love ourselves need to feel nothing for some time before going back to normal again.

So maybe we are designed to feel the pain and the tears to learn from love. We need to live through the bad in order to appreciate the better things that will come our way…. Because after all, good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place.

COMMENT and tell me your experiences on how your feelings have changed when falling in love over the years. Tell me what you’ve learnt or what you felt.

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Dear Dating-City-Girl,

I’ve been in this relationship for two years and the first year or so was the best of my life. He adored me and never hesitated to show me, he talked to me like my best friend, loved me like a boyfriend and protected me like I was a child. Of course we had our ups and downs, but in general he was everything I was looking for. Our relationship was fiery and full of passion. However, during the last 5 months or so something changed. It’s weird saying this because we are still together and if I ask anyone they will say that we are still the same as we were a year ago. But I can feel the changes; maybe they are perceptible only to me. And it’s all the little things. I don’t feel like he loves me as before. I feel him drifting away. He never holds me anymore, he never kisses my forehead, he never caresses my hair… I know it seems stupid, but I can feel him emotionally drifting away. I want to find a way for him to love me like he used to. I’m still the same, I haven’t changed and I still love him the same, I can’t afford to lose him, even though I can feel like he doesn’t love me as before and we are heading towards a break up. He never said anything, but I feel it coming.. What do you think I should do? How can I get him to love me like he used to? I don’t want to lose him…

Looking forward to your response,

Crazy-In-Love

Dear Crazy-In-Love,

Thank you for your question and I know how bad that feels! I also know that sometimes you might feel like you are going crazy, because nothing changes when you see it as an outsider, but you know, deep inside, everything changed! A bump in the road is never good, but this sounds like a lot more than a bump. There’s something wrong here, but he won’t let you know what’s going on. You should brace yourself for all possible answers. To begin with, I’m not going to tell you to go talk to him about it and solve it together.. You don’t need me to tell you this, you probably either tried to talk to him about it and he said you’re crazy, or you just know that if you do try to talk to him about it that’s what’s going to happen. So what you need to do, is try to win him back all over again. You said in your email to me that he protected you as if you were a child… and from my experience that’s the key to most successful relationships. I know it sounds a bit weird, but what you need to do here is get that back. It is in men’s nature to be the ‘protectors’. There’s nothing more of a confirmation to their manhood than a girl showing that she needs them in order to be safe. Don’t confuse this with being needy however! You need to ‘play with his buttons’ and make him feel like you need him, but not don’t asphyxiate him. He needs his space, but you have to show him that he can have that, but that you are there too; that you need him to keep you safe, to make you whole. If he gets to feel this again, then you’ll start winning him back all over again.

Now even though my proposed solution is somewhat hard, it will only work if the relationship is just in a slump, and not if something is vitally wrong! So what else can be going wrong? Well, you might need to face the fact that that type of behavior is attributed to the fact that he might be cheating. I’m definitely not saying he is!! But if he’s involved with someone else, then this might explain his more distant behavior. Maybe he feels guilty, so he avoids it, or he started having feelings for someone else and is distancing himself from you; in which case, you might need to understand that appealing to his protective side won’t work here. I don’t suggest that you ask him if he’s cheating, because the chances are very slim and you might worsen the situation as well. But this should be something you should keep at the back of your mind and look for other signs of cheating, e.g. late working nights, smell of female perfume when he enters the house, unreturned phone calls, etc etc.

Finally, it might just be the case that he doesn’t love you as much anymore… I know it sucks, but sometimes it happens. And one of the greatest pains that someone can feel in a relationship is his love fading away, when you still love him the same! If that’s the case, then I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to win him back. If someone stops loving you, then it’s sad and hurts like hell, but you just have to face it.

If you are wondering what to do now, and how to know the reason behind his behavior, then I would suggest starting by appealing to his protective side, and take it from there. See how that goes and then just keep in mind to check for signs of cheating (if there are any…). If he just doesn’t love you anymore though, you’ll soon realize it.. I wish you the best of luck and I hope I helped

Lots of love,

Dating City Girl

xoxo

I have a list of all the blog posts I am doing, one right after the other… and this one was nowhere on the list. I had to write this post though because of what I realized today. My most popular article is by far ‘Will he ever leave hisgirlfriend for you?’ and you will not believe how many people read that each day… and how many emails I receive asking me about that. I was under the impression that I’m one of the few girls that experienced what it’s like being the other woman and thinking he will leave his girlfriend for me. But I just found out otherwise. I get emails on a daily basis, all asking me the same thing in a hundred different ways: ‘He said he loves me…’ , ‘He doesn’t love his wife anymore, he said he’ll leave her…’, ‘He is staying with her for a little while longer because she’s going through a rough patch’, and the list is endless. They all finish with the same question however: ‘Do you think he will leave her for me?’… It just breaks my heart every time I have to answer the same thing to them: ‘No he won’t!’

I decided to write this post to all those women out there, who think that he will leave his girlfriend for them and who are, what is commonly known as, the 'other woman'. I know exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is. I’ve been through that and I’m still not over it, but we can’t keep telling ourselves the same lie over and over again because we think something is going to change. It’s not easy to admit, but here is what it feels like being the other woman:

1. You will always come second: I know how bad this is. But whatever happens, he’s going to put his girlfriend/wife first. He will run to her first, he will cancel on you with the first little thing that might come up that will involve her. He might genuinely love you, he might even love you more than her, but she’s the priority.

2. There’s so much sneaking around: It just feels like you are doing something illegal ALL the time!! You meet up with him after midnight, you have to leave before the sun comes up, he can’t take a call from you in public, and he can’t even answer a text from you most of the time. You probably can’t call him most of the time because he doesn’t want you to do so, in case someone else is there and sees it. It’s infuriating, it’s humiliating and frankly it’s exhausting!

3. You are ‘the other girl’: Whatever happens, even if he breaks up with his girlfriend at some point (which won’t happen for the reasons you are hoping it will), you will always be the other girl. You will be the girl that he cheated on with. No one will approve of you in his world. If he can’t have his friend’s or family’s approval your relationship will never last. And even if you don’t care about what others think, deep inside he thinks that way too: You were the woman that didn’t mind sleeping with someone who was in another relationship.

4. Are we really that special? Let me tell you, Mat said he loved me more than her. And I know I probably shouldn’t have believed him, but I did. But even if he meant it, two years ago I was nothing. I was just a girl, out of anyone he could have chosen, that he was sleeping with. And it sounds bad, but I said ok because I didn’t care. I wanted to have a good time… never in a million years did I think it would lead me here! So no, he didn’t choose me. I just happened to be there, I wasn’t even that special. But I was there for way too long, so we ended up getting attached.

5. We are sharing him: I don’t know why this didn’t come up earlier on the list. But this is the most tragic part! While for us the idea of sleeping with someone while we are so deeply attached to them is just unimaginable, he is more than conveniently sleeping with his girlfriend and there is nothing we can do about it! We know it’s happening even though we might not be admitting it to ourselves. We love them so much, we pretend it’s not even an issue, but it is. It’s the biggest issue in the whole fucked up situation.

6. We know this will end up bad: we know we will get hurt. Subconsciously we do, even though we don’t admit it even to ourselves! We hope and dream and we get so caught up in it, that we forget that what awaits for us at the end of the tunnel, it’s not light, it’s hell! It’s just more and more pain, on top of the pain of being the other woman. It’s a pain that we know it’s unavoidable, but we put it off as long as we can by staying there, being the other woman.

In a nutshell, that’s how the other woman feels. It’s horrible and painful and we are so addicted to the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unavailable to us that we tend to overlook all the disadvantages. I know how amazing and heartbreaking it can feel at the same time. At this point I need to repeat myself and say how shocked I was by how many people are in the same position as I was. I feel every single woman’s pain that emails me and asks me about that. It just breaks me to have to tell her ‘he will never leave her’, but I have to be honest with you. I have to let you know that he won’t and you can postpone the pain of leaving him all you want…. But just know that you can’t avoid it.

Does any of you have anything to add to my list? Is there something I left out? Comment and tell me how you feel. CLICK HERE TO LIKE MY FACEBOOK PAGE

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In a world where dating and relationships take up most of our time, it is inevitable that sex will, too.

Just like we move on from another heartbreak to a new relationship, and maybe to yet another failure, it is inevitable that we share our bed with more than a couple of guys.

But right after yet another lover leaves our bed, and the scent of his body is still on our bed sheets, we can’t help but wonder, “Have I gone too far?”

How many men is too many men?

After a certain age, sex becomes an important, if not vital, element of dating. First date, second date, third date…there comes a time when you have to test each other out in bed as well.

But what happens when your fling didn’t work out and yet another lover has left your life? You only come to realize you’re left with another disappointment and another man to add to your bedroom list.

Does that number ever get too high? Are we emotionally challenged, or are we sluts?

Want read the rest of this article? Visit Dating Advice and read the rest of my guest post!

It’s all too nice and comforting thinking that you met a man, took him home slept with him (had a great time!)… and then woke up and made you breakfast. What’s better than that? You worked it out in the bedroom, you know that works and then you take it on from there. You bought the car, took it for a test drive, established it works and now you are ready for the ride… Yeah well, sorry to snap you out of that, but that never works! Chances are, if you actually happen to wake up at the guy’s place, not only will you not have breakfast served, but you will be rushing around trying to find your clothes and get on your way to walk the ‘walk of shame’. Now before you say ‘what does she know?’, let me tell you my story…

About a week or so ago Sarah and I decided to go out for a few drinks at a club somewhere behind Regent Street. Everything was great, the music, the cocktails, we were dancing our heels off and having a great time… Until Ronald and Adam showed up; two very handsome, slightly older and more than slightly drunk gentlemen. Within an hour we had found out that both were high school teachers (and undoubtedly very desired by 16 year olds), single and very fun to be around. Within the next hour Sarah was dancing with Ronald and I was with Adam. (Just a small note here: I’m not the type of girl that picks up guys in a bar. I’ve done that, years ago. I’m fed up with that. BUT, there was something about this guy… I really liked Adam, I enjoyed talking to him and yes, he was a great kisser. And for me to say I liked someone from the first time I meet them… let’s just say that’s next to impossible).

Two hours later we were in a cab with them going to Adam’s place…. After spending about two or so hours locked up in Adam’s room with him, I knew I suddenly had a crush. I haven’t had a crush for ages. He was sweet and attentive, responsible and yet incredibly charming. Around 5 o’clock in the morning it was time to go home and it was around that time that he asked for my number. By that time I knew that if he had my number I would be checking my phone for the next week expecting a message from him and get extremely disappointed if I didn’t receive a text. I had a choice: I could just give it to him without a second thought and risk the disappointment or I could refuse and write this whole day off as a great night with a nice twist. I chose neither. I suddenly told him ‘Look, I’m not one of those type of girls that you bring home and then ask for their phone number pretending you are going to text, just because it’s the polite thing to do. If you actually want to text me, then you’ll get my number’. He said ‘Give me your number, I promise I’ll text tomorrow’. And that was it. Those were the last words he said to me… ever! He never texted of course. I knew he wouldn’t from the minute I gave him my number, but I knew I wanted him to text so much that I would sacrifice the risk. I spent the whole of the next day somewhere between last night’s haze and my mind-consuming thoughts, trying to figure out why he never texted. So here are the reasons why a one-night-stand will never turn into a relationship, or he will never text:

1. He was drunk: this means he probably doesn’t remember you (well that’s extreme), but at least he doesn’t remember everything clearly. His mind was cloudy and he might have said things he didn’t mean.

2. You were drunk: Now most of us think that when we are drunk we become more courageous and bring out the best in us… well, maybe. But we also think we are the best dancers, the best looking people and the best in bed. By no means am I undermining your skills and abilities in any of the three. I believe you are probably great in all three. But, when we are drunk we tend to overestimate our abilities in all those three departments. So at the end of the day, even though we were more joyful and fun we probably weren’t as great as we remember ourselves to be. And the guys don’t remember us the way we falsely remember ourselves.

3. It’s awkward: The whole let’s get in cab and go home, make out at the backseat, with probably a bit over the clothes action is all too passionate and spontaneous; especially when in danger of being seen by the cab driver, but by the time you get home, get in bed and get it over with, you will probably have sobered up and just realized you are lying naked, next to a stranger. Chances are you don’t even remember his name. So what do you do then? You don’t say ‘Well that was great… whatever your name is. Now let’s hangout and see if we are each other’s soulmate!’ NO! You get up awkwardly, while the guy is probably having a shower or pretending to be asleep, you pull on your fancy clothes and get on your way with the walk of shame.

4. He might have been lying: I know this sucks. But did he say he’s single, employed and with money in the bank? Well I’m sorry to break it to you, but he might be cheating on someone, while being unemployed and probably in debt as well. I know I’m taking it to the extremes here, but did you think about the fact that he might be rebounding? Or he might not want to be in a relationship? He could have been lying to get what he wanted, independently of how persuasive he was!

5. It’s a one-night-stand: I think this says it all. It’s supposed to be a one night thing! It’s not a ‘let’s start a relationship the wrong way round!’ It’s supposed to be passion between two people that know nothing about each other and that’s pretty much it. It says it all. If he had met you in a club and wanted to get to know you he would ask to take you out, not take you to bed.

There you have it, the top 5 reasons why a one-night-stand is not the beginning of a relationship and will never turn into one! It’s too bad, but for all of you out there who think that it might have been a good start, I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s not. If you are into the ‘one-night-stand kind of scene’ then that’s great. Go out and enjoy yourselves. But if what you are looking for is a relationship, then one-night-stands is nowhere near what you are looking for.

As for me and Sarah… we learnt the hard way, but now we know. And we just added another great experience to our list.

What did you think? Did you have a one night stand that turned into a relationship? Comment and let me know!! Remember to like my facebook page for the latest updates!